Communication with pwBPD, am I fueling the fire?

[LukewarmHappy]

Hi All,

First off I’m still in the stage of researching if what my wife is struggling with is BPD or possible Covert Narcissism or nothing and I’m just being paranoid and reading into too much. Maybe it’s me that is fueling all this? Starting to doubt that anything I do or say is helpful and the completely wrong thing.

I’d like to share this example of what happened yesterday and get thoughts and opinions other than my wife’s.

So to give context, we haven’t been doing well lately and started marriage counseling last week. To say the least it’s been tense and cold at home lately after some big issues surfaced.

We had a long discussion yesterday about things and why I haven’t been communicating as much and cold. This after our last counseling session where I asked her if she told friends of ours about contents in my journal she read(without asking).
She said she did and took no responsibility, and wasn’t sorry. 

I’ve honestly been furious, so I told her I’m processing some feelings around that and not going to be as my “normal” self. In a way I have shut down. It’s all just been so much that I’ve isolated a bit at home as well.

Anyway, after we had our long talk yesterday, which was more positive then not, I asked her for the time to take some space and breathe. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but just the time to go out (eat, park, golf, whatever) just out. She said it was fine and I even called my mother-in-law to come watch our 16mo old with my wife so she wouldn’t be alone.

So away I went, told her I probably wouldn’t be home for dinner (this was about 1pm) and all was fine until about 3:30. She then texts me if I’d like to take her yoga class spot tonight, as she won’t be going. I said no thank you.

I was doing my thing, at Top Golf for a while, I got a massage, just getting away from the stress that’s been overwhelming for me the last few weeks. And not to sound like an all-star or anything but anytime she needs time away to go with friends somewhere, self-care, extra-work, I take care of our daughter and am always available at a moments notice. I’m actually a stay at home Dad and realtor so I’m with my daughter the  majority of the time. Always in Dad mode. And I don’t do a ton of “social” activities since she’s been born.

At around 5:30 I text her and say “hey, I am going to head to see this band (we live in Nashville) around 7:30, I’ll be home sometime after that, not sure exactly when.”

Well, that set off a bomb.

I immediately get a request to track my location on my phone. I deny it. Then, she says “you can stay at a hotel tonight. Bye.” “I’ve had enough.”

I’m just in shock honestly in seeing this. So I say “enough of what?”

I repeatedly get long paragraphs about how I’ve been gone all day, not checking in, I’m immature, I’m going downtown without my wedding ring (not sure why she thought I didn’t have it on),
She keeps saying she doesn’t know who I am, what have i  done with her real husband etc. the texts go on and on. Just anger and mistrust.

She says she’s suspicious I’m with someone else, she’s not sure who I am with and she’s not ok with my behavior. My behavior is shady and she doesn’t trust me, all these unreal accusations. All out of no where.

She then calls me 7-8 times in a row. And sends some more really insane texts about how awful of a person I am and don’t care about her and I’m selfish and probably cheating on her.

So I stopped responding. And I did end up staying at a hotel after the show.

The crazy thing about all this is, I thought this morning I’d come home and she’d still be upset, maybe not wanting to talk to me, but she was just so relieved I was home and SAFE?! She hugged me and we embraced, it was like I just came home from Vietnam or something.

Now, I see in myself that I could have been more considerate and asked her if going to the concert was going to be ok and if her and our  baby were doing fine. But I had already communicated to her - what I thought was clearly - that I needed the day to recharge alone and wasn’t sure when I’d be back. Now in past relationships this has been reasonable information. But now I’m seeing she needs all the details, places, times, nothing unexpected, and that’s on me for not giving her that. To be honest I didn’t really know what I wanted to do I just needed to get out.and I told her this before leaving.

I know the fear of abandonment and insecurity is so strong with a pwBPD. But her texts were so shocking to me.


There was another instance recently when we were on vacation in Florida and I went out for a bit to the store and run errands. I didn’t come back for an hour or so after maybe she thought I would be, as I was just walking around target. She  became enraged. Said I should have been back and how could I not let her know where and what I was doing every second.

To me it’s controlling and insecurity and it’s pushing me away.
I want her to trust me. But I guess since our relationship isn’t the best that is too much to ask right now.

Anyways, just venting. If you can relate or share feedback, even something I can do better - please do!
Thank you!

[ForeverDad]

"Or is it me?"  If you're asking, then most likely you're a reasonably normal person.  So relax a bit on that score.  Many persons arrive here asking "is it me?" so you're not the only one willing to scrutinize oneself.

The behaviors you described are not uncommon here.  The cycles of ups and downs, as though you're on an unsettling roller coaster, is one of several indicators you're probably dealing with BPD traits.  However, often we don't hear of a diagnosis.  (And it's unwise to mention a specific diagnostic label to your spouse... it can trigger Denial and Blame Shifting.)  I was in divorce process for two years and my domestic court and all the professionals involved seemed to studiously avoid the topic of mental health issues.  My court was like others, starting off by assuming we were a typical emotion-heightened bickering couple.

I am reminded of my own experience.

Years ago before we separated, I would come home not knowing who I would meet.  I could leave a ranting maniac in the morning and come home to a calm spouse.  I could leave a calm spouse in the morning and come home to a raging stranger on the rampage.  I recall one time I came home to a calm spouse but as she sat down on the sofa to tell me about something, it reminded her of something else and before my eyes her face changed and morphed into my anti-spouse.  She did it by herself, I didn't do anything but listen.

So accept that you may be able to avoid causing some triggering but it will happen with or without you.  In fact, what works now many not work in the future, it's like these chronic immune diseases we have today, some things may work but in time the malady finds a way to reduce the effectiveness.  Unless and until he/she seeks meaningful therapy and diligently applies it in his thinking and perceptions for the long term and makes real progress then it won't get better.  There will still be some less-conflictual times now and then but he/she will keep relapsing back to the cycles of poor behavior.

Good that you're a very involved parent.  Should your marriage fail, that "history" will help to ensure you remain a very involved parent.  Be careful to be perceived by others as the parent seeking practical solutions, not creating problems.

[LukewarmHappy]

That’s really helpful to hear ForeverDad, thank you.

During a recent fight the thought of her maybe having a BPD slipped out of my mouth and that did not go well. The denial and anger was not good. So I learned my lesson.

These wild mood shifts from one person to another are certainly alarming. Your experience I can relate to. It happening mid conversation to themselves provoked by nothing we have said or done. It’s wild.

She calls herself and is aware she is “Moody”. She’ll say that her and her sisters have always been known to be moody. Almost like it’s ok because it’s a trait of all of them. But she’s not aware to the point that I experience.

Appreciate the feedback on being perceived as a Dad who is responsible. Should anything happen I don’t want her to have anything to point the finger at.

Are you relieved to be past the relationship? Or has it been a challenge since ending it?

Thanks again!