How do you bear it?

[Josie C]

Things have escalated today.
My dd(29) had asked for help with some health insurance matters and we met this morning to sort it all out.  Before we even began, it was obvious she was dysregulated.  I tread lightly, and things seemed okay (not great, but manageable). She ended up having to talk to someone on the phone and it went downhill from there.

I knew she was uncomfortable on the phone (she was harsh and disrespectful to the rep) and once she hung up she turned her wealth of ugly emotions onto me. Turns out she missed her therapy appt this morning (so was likely feeling shame).  Perhaps embarrassed with how she handled the phone call (I’m certain she noticed my facial expression when she asked the rep “who do I kill?”). She screamed that she doesn’t want to “live like this” and demanded that I “fix it.”  She began to use abusive language, blaming me for all her mental health issues. I couldn’t bear it and left.

She followed up with a phone call continuing the rage. Again, I calmly told her we could talk but not if she was shouting. She hung up.

We spoke again about an hour ago—but this time for her to tell me how much she hates me.  She said the only thing that will make it better is for me to apologize for making her the way she is.  And if I won’t apologize, she never wants to speak to me again.  (This sentiment is new territory for us.) I tried my very best to engage her in what she wanted from me, tried validating the intensity of her feelings.  She kept saying it wasn’t worth talking if I wouldn’t do what she needed: to apologize for “f-ing her up.” We got nowhere—and she hung up.

In the past month, I have said to her “I’m so sorry that you are in such pain. I apologize that all the avenues we tried and all the resources we’ve found haven’t helped. I’m truly sorry that what we did for you as a child wasn’t enough.” Her dad and I have offered group counseling, DBT, outpatient therapy.

I know she’s in tremendous pain and has so much fear and shame. I get that the anger towards me is easier than being angry with herself. She can’t bear to accept any responsibility for her emotions and it’s all projected onto me (largely ignores her dad, I’m the target). 

But how does one bear it?  Is it helpful for a parent apologize for such generic accusations as “everything is your fault”?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wannabeamomma]

Dear Josie C,

Your post reminded me of how my 28 yo son has confronted me and demanded that I take accountability for all of his issues. He cut me off from all communications a few months ago because I wouldn’t admit certain things he was accusing me of (which were highly exaggerated and a mentally healthy child would not have been affected by). 

Ah, to be sure, threading that needle of trying to validate your daughter when such confrontations occur is not easy.  It sounds like you’ve tried to appease her by apologizing for the fact that your attempts to help her have not worked. I apologized to my son for not getting him help when he was a young child.  But that’s not what they want it seems. The shame and worthlessness they feel is so overwhelming that they must put the blame on us for all of their issues in order to deal with it.  And if we are not willing to accept the blame then we do become the problem in their eyes-a problem that must be dealt with by eliminating us from their world.

It’s hard but you have to remind yourself that you did not cause her mental illness, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.  It’s absolutely heartbreaking for us moms in countless ways. I wish I could give you some comfort but, if you are like me, you will never get over the heartache unless and until she gets better. Try to give yourself some grace.

[js friend]

Hi Josie

My udd comes at it from a different angle. She has never blamed or accused me of any wrongdoings from her childhood....not to me anyway. Ive asked her outright if I or anyone did anything to her and she has always remained silent on this subject. I have also asked members of my family she has been close to if she has said anything to them and again I have been told no. Even exb/f said the same so I have never been able to apologise for anything specific. What she has always blamed me for is the here and now.
When my udd was 17yo she left home and I went (Limited Contact) with her for a short period of time. I would see her 2x and cook her a meal. She seemed very appreciative and would share little details about her life. She seemed much happier and almost "Normal" in her behaviour towards me....No more anger, raging, secrecy, lies.
3 years ago udd decided to go NC with me. It wasnt a shock and I half expected it. Also reading other members stories over the years prepared me for it. I saw her very briefly last year and all the old feelings came back around interacting with her. I felt anxiety, dread and panic but I knew I would have to go through  it and I talked myself through it. I left udd dumbfounded....with her mouth practically open
I kept it very short and walked away feeling much better than I ever expected to. I greatly miss my Gkids but dont miss the abuse from my Udd. I would personally say to try LC with your udd Josie. Allow yourself the space and time to heal from all the abuse, Your body may not give up and show it now but it will eventually believe me.

[CC43]

I feel for you parents who are taking the brunt of your daughter's rage.  You can try to validate, and apologize (even if you're not at fault), and offer to find solutions or get help, and yet nothing seems to work.  Sometimes, I think that is the basic fact:  nothing that you do will ever work when she's raging.  Why?  Because the rage isn't rational, and your daughter's notion of getting "retribution" is misguided.  Even with apologies and atonement, she still feels terrible.  Why?  Because she's not really mad at you--she just thinks she is.  I think that deep down, she's mad at herself for getting stuck in a rut and not being able to solve the problem du jour, and she feels powerless to extricate herself.

Once I asked my stepdaughter, who was angry all the time, what would make her feel better.  Her response?  Her adversaries had to APOLOGIZE.  No, they had to PAY.  No, they had to be PUNISHED.  Then I said something like, well, how would you like to punish (insert adversary of the week).  How would that make you feel better?  She quickly left the room to watch TV.  I think she couldn't handle thinking logically about her anger.  Or maybe she didn't want to admit that "punishment" wouldn't suddenly solve all her problems.  I tend to think that she really wanted to hold onto her victimhood indefinitely, as that's who she had become:  the poor little abused girl.  With that role, her dad would feel sorry for her, try to relieve her stress and over-function for her.

However, as our loved ones with BPD get a little older, they're still acting like teenagers, with outsized emotional outbursts and drama-making.  The older they get--with adult bodies, situations, privileges, relationships and resources--the more dysfunctional their behavior becomes.  I think they start to feel even worse, because their peers have moved on, while they feel "stuck," maybe still living at home, unemployed, or with no diploma.  What was once fun for them--hanging out on the couch, watching movies, consuming marijuana, looking at social media all night--has lost its luster, as former friends move on and lead adults' lives.  She, however, is stuck like a petulant teenager, but at the same time, she feels she's entitled to extensive parental support (emotional, financial, etc.).  I imagine that makes her feel very low, and maybe powerless to change.  So she takes it out on you, because you're the only people left who will give her attention and support.  She remains focused on the past, like how you ruined her childhood, because she can't look forward.  She's too SCARED to look forward to adulthood and take on adult-level responsibilities (working, signing a lease, getting a mortgage, arranging for insurance, etc.).  She's still saying YOU are responsible for her, even if she's in her late 20s or early 30s.  Since she lacks resilience, every adult problem seems super-sized to her--even something routine like calling about health insurance.  I can see how this situation would make her feel triggered and angry all the time.  She's a full-grown woman but still feels and acts like a child.

How do you stand it?  I think I stand it by not taking any of her accusations or rage personally.  I just see that as a signal that something else is going on in her life that is disappointing or stressful, and she just can't handle it.  Over time, I've come to learn that her outbursts invariably coincide with events that have nothing to do with the family or her childhood, as she alleges.  She's just re-living the past and re-casting it as horrible because she can't handle the truth of the present.  What has been happening in the present?  Well, I learn that she's dropped out of school, or quit her job, or broke up with her boyfriend, or didn't get what she wanted, etc.  Instead of recognizing her role in the events of the present, she's blaming her family for messing her up.  It's still very hard to see her struggle, even if I don't take any of her angry outbursts personally.  I try to give her time and space to calm down.  Only when she's in a better mood is it possible to work on solving some problems with guidance and hand-holding, when she seems to be of the right mind to accept it.  Otherwise, I step back and keep conversations light.

[Sancho]

Hi Josie C
I think the only way I bear it is turning my mind to the seriousness of this mental disorder. At the moment I am reading up on 'Projective Identification' - where a person can't cope with some aspect of themselves and projects it on to another - usually the person most supportive/close etc.

In terms of this and your scenario, I think you hit the nail on the head when you wondered if dd felt bad about missing her therapy session. It's unbearable to blame herself, hence the defensiveness and blaming attitude towards the person on the phone and then yourself.

The more I read the more I discover how complex BPD is. I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. So I just do my best . .

[Ourworld]

Hi Josie,

I know you have tried using boundaries, but you certainly cannot accept or apologize for the horrible things she is blaming you for.
The only thing I have ever said to my daughter was that I was sorry I did not realize she was messed-up. You have done that I believe-so stop apologizing.
Just as CC43 said, apologizing won’t help, because they are in another world in their messed-up minds. This is such a horrible and debilitating disorder, where all rationality has gone out the window.

Since my 38-yr old cut off all communication with me 11 years ago, I have just gotten to the point that I regularly pray for her healing. I still cry sometimes and I reach out to God in my hurting, but to be honest, I really would not want her communicating with me in a weakened state of mind that would be blame and accusations.
Oh, how I pray that someday her mind is cleared and that she contacts me in love, with kindness and respect.

In the meantime, I must move on in my own life to do the things I wish. But it is truly heart-breakingly sad when you think about the pain your child endures.

My daughter is high-functioning, has a decent career, she was even married for 12 years (she married her fiancé while I was out of the country for work and did not realize there was a problem).
So, you must make the choice of continuing to take care of your adult child if she cannot figure out away but limit the communication (say to email only and if you believe a situation needs to be addressed right away you will contact her). Or just letting her go.

I have an ebook to help keep me encouraged on this journey called ‘When Your Child Divorces You…” Estrangement by Jean Lash.

Take Care, OurWorld