Causes of BPD

[Zuzmat]

Hi all,

I often read on this forum that "you did not cause this" and yet all the books, experts etc claim that BPD starts from trauma in childhood, poor attachment, parental invalidation etc.  I am wondering how both things can be true?

I do not recognise the "trauma in childhood" trope.  Nor do I believe that my daughter had a poor childhood - she was loved, supported, encouraged etc throughout her life, and still is.  I hear many parents saying similar things, both here and elsewhere.

I'm hoping some of you wise people may be able to explain this to me.  I really struggle with guilt and shame over this issue even though I know in my heart it is not true.  My daughter was truly loved her whole life.  Why do "experts" seem to feel it is ok to always blame the parents?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

i am so sorry for your troubles, it is such an awful "burden" to carry...my 24 y/o BPD daughter cut ties with her father, me (I was her ONLY support system....long story, her sister & her beautiful nieces (that is the WORST) like you, my daughter had a wonderful childhood (that I KNEW of....come to find out she cannot come in the house b/c of the traumatic memories...heck if I knew of one) (I was told I was not "present" during her childhood (than told, I was the reason for her issues, because I enable her) so...which is it?  I am sad every single day.  It has been OVER a year since I saw pwBPD, so...if anyone knows, I, too, am most willing for any tips

[CC43]

Hi Zuzmat,

You've homed in on the contradictory nature of BPD!  I think that's the basic idea behind dialectical therapy:  being able to reconcile supposedly contradictory things and accepting them.

The pwBPD in my life claims that she had an abusive childhood, and that's why she's having all sorts of problems as an adult.  I see two important elements in this very negative way of thinking.

First, her opinion is that she was abused as a child.  I think that's not true, at least in terms what a "normal" person would call abuse.  She wasn't molested, she wasn't deprived, she was hardly ever punished.  She had a privileged upbringing!  She went to a great school and had close friends.  Though her parents divorced when she was young, they both remained fully present in her life.  Maybe they didn't love her together, but they certainly loved her apart.  So I wouldn't call that abuse.  Sure, her childhood wasn't perfect, but nobody's is.  However, I think that she is just wired to be ultra-sensitive, and her demeanor is highly negative.  So disappointments, arguments or events that would feel like a mild frustration or setback to a "normal" person made her feel extreme pain, shame, frustration or whatever.  She was overwhelmed.  Every little disappointment felt like the end of the world to her.  And with BPD, her brain twisted facts and memories to make those moments seem abusive, at least in her mind.

Second, the "abusive childhood" serves as an excuse.  I think that when someone reaches adulthood with BPD, they are emotionally developmentally delayed, equipped only with the emotional skills of a child.  Think tantrums, low frustration tolerance, low patience, believing life is unfair when things don't immediately go their way, giving up easily or an inability to handle uncertainty.  And with adulthood come more challenges that require mental fortitude and problem-solving skills that they just don't have.  Social situations become more complex.  Working a full-time job is hard.  Delaying gratification isn't always fun.  In a word, adulthood is scary and hard.  And scary or hard is just too painful to them.  So what do they do?  They can't handle the present, or planning for the future, so their mind fixates on the past.  They use the past as the "excuse," the reason they can't seem to function in the present.  Why?  Because it's much easier to blame parents or family for causing their dysfunction, than admitting their own shortcomings or poor behavior in the present.  If they accepted their own shortcomings, they'd completely fall apart!  They cling to victimhood status like their life depends on it, and they deflect blame onto others.  If they are a young adult, this strategy might be extremely effective in the short to medium term.  Why?  Because her parents feel guilty, or fearful, and they'll step in and try to fix the problem, or eliminate all the stress and obstacles for their daughter, to avoid a blow-up (or worse, a suicide attempt).  Some young adults are experts at appearing helpless when they do this--in fact, the are REWARDED for acting like a toddler.  Because their parents will give in, help or fix the issue just to get her to stop.  If unchecked, it could become an entitlement arms race, with escalating demands and tantrums to get them.  In summary, in her twisted world, she's rewarded for saying she was abused as a kid.  And you'll hear her warped versions of history, over and over again, that you start to wonder if you yourself are remembering things correctly.

I'm sure that many people with BPD actually experienced real traumas, and that's a shame.  But I'm pretty sure it's true that many people with completely normal childhoods have BPD too.  Maybe what therapists and "experts" are doing is validating the feelings behind the purported trauma.  In other words, the patient feels they experienced a trauma (even if you or I wouldn't consider it a trauma), and the therapist is really focusing on having the patient learn to accept those feelings, and eventually move past them.  That can be an approach that's counter-intuitive for parents, because when their child accuses them of abuse, the natural inclination is to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain the facts.  But this natural inclination only serves to rile up their daughter, as she feels invalidated once again, that you never listen to her, and you don't care about her.  Plus, the rational part of her brain just isn't working when she's riled up--she's all emotion, and she can't process logical arguments.  Her brain distorts facts to fit her emotions.  Only when she's settled down can you begin to focus on problem-solving.  So the general advice is, validate the feelings, but don't validate the invalid.

I could illustrate for you what the pwBPD in my life (my stepdaughter) considers "abuse."  If you look at some of my posts, you might get a feel, and then compare it to your own situation.  There was one incident that I feel illustrates how skewed her view of abuse is to an extreme.  My stepdaughter took a summer off so she could attend some try-outs.  One such try-out was out of state.  Fortunately, her beloved aunt lived near the event and offered to host my stepdaughter for a couple of days.  The aunt took a day off, showed her around town and took her niece to dinner.  The next day, she inquired about the tryouts, showing some concern over logistics (transportation, leaving time to account for traffic, whether her niece had enough cash).  Since it was hot, the aunt suggested that her niece take some water with her, lest she get hot walking or standing in line in the sun.  I think she even offered to accompany her to the tryouts.  That's nice, right?  Well, a couple of days later, my stepdaughter sent a very nasty text to her aunt.  I know it was nasty, because she called her brother (my husband) to tell him about it.  I don't know all the particulars, but I gather that the text threatened my sister-in-law with violence, because she acted in a demeaning and disrespectful way by offering a bottle of water!  My sister-in-law was distraught, thinking she had a very pleasant visit, and she went above and beyond to make it nice for her niece.  She felt so threatened that she decided not to attend an upcoming family gathering, out of fear that she would provoke violence in her niece.  This is a person who is an accomplished businesswoman and has surely dealt with difficult interpersonal conflicts throughout her life!  Then later I learned what really happened:  my stepdaughter didn't get called back for the tryouts.  Maybe she didn't even get to try out, because she apparently arrived late.  So rather than just accept that fact (the try-outs didn't go how she wanted), she deflected the bad feelings and blamed her aunt!  Since her aunt was nothing but nice to her, she had to invent a convoluted "rationale," saying that offering water was disrespectful, treating her like a little girl!  And that constitutes "abuse" in my BPD's mind.  But really it's just deflection, and projection of her own insecurities (feeling like a little girl).

[kells76]

Hello Zuzmat and welcome 

"Did I cause it" is a huge question that parents ask when they arrive here; you're not alone.

The balanced answer is "it depends". Our current understanding here (in our article "Am I the Cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?") is:

In a study conducted by Marijn A Distel, PhD of 5,496 twin siblings, 42% of the people with BPD were reared in the same environment as siblings without the disorder. This suggests that there is a genetic predisposition for BPD [Heritability of borderline personality disorder features is similar across three countries, Distel MA, Trull TJ, Derom CA, Thiery EW, Grimmer MA, Martin NG, Willemsen G, Boomsma DI. .Psychol Med. 2008 Sep;38(9):1219-29. Epub 2007 Nov 8]

This tracks with the NEABPD perspective as well:

Research on the causes and risk factors for BPD is still in its early stages. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental influences are likely to be involved.

Certain events during childhood may also play a role in the development of the disorder, such as those involving emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Loss, neglect and bullying may also contribute. The current theory is that some people are more likely to develop BPD due to their biology or genetics and harmful childhood experiences can further increase the risk.

We try to find balance in our perspectives about BPD, in addition to our communication with our loved one with BPD 

...

Does your daughter blame you?

[Zuzmat]

Hi CC43,

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply in such depth.  This is the best explanation I have read in a long time of trying to understand this.  What you say makes complete sense and really helps me to put the whole thing in perspective.

Thank you also for the other replies.  I am very grateful to have found this forum - it really helps to talk to people who truly understand the nightmare of this condition.

Zuzmat

[Tangled mangled]

Did I cause it?

In my FOO, my mother has undiagnosed bpd/npd. I’ve observed my cousins and note there’s a high probability that the disorder exists in every household of my mum and her 7 siblings. There’s also a tendency towards learning disability on my mum’s side of the family.

I’ve read widely on this topic and what I’ve found that it makes a lot of sense ,  the connection between BPD and ADHD.

Looking at ADHD alone there’s the rule of thirds: adult outcomes,

 1/3 of persons with ADHD will remain in remission, 1/3 will show signs and symptoms of the condition and 1/3 will go on to develop antisocial personality disorder etc.

https://preferredmedgroup.com/services/adhd-in-children-learning-problems/#:~:text=We%20often%20use%20the%20%E2%80%9CRule,achievement%2C%20substance%20abuse%2C%20antisocial%20adults

The pwBPD in my life : my mum, my ex husband and possibly an older brother: all have impulsivity in common. It’s possible that they all have ADHD.

Is it possible that pwBPD are neurodivergent to varying degrees especially ADHD and even autism : the emotional dysregulation and other symptoms. Maybe they are the 1/3 that go on to develop antisocial personalities due to adverse events/ trauma resulting from their ADHD.

But again why do most people with ADHD not go on to develop BPD? Maybe the home environment plays a role in the way their ADHD was managed.

My ex husband always blamed his parents for all his problems- but from the brief encounters I had with his family they seemed like the ‘loving’, kind , people- they actually infantilised him to a point that it would make any adult sick- I think his mum has bpd- extremely emotional over nothing, constantly triangulating and manipulative etc

I’ve read elsewhere that while traumatic events may lead to the disorder, in the majority of cases the type of abuse is mainly indulgence.
Maybe a codependent parent contributes to this problem unknowingly , by over parenting and over compensating for adverse events- such as a disordered parent or family separation.

 I see in myself a tendency to walk on eggshells around my older son who is 10, and a sensitive child with possible ADHD and by doing this I’ve unknowingly encouraged him to behave immaturely.

What CC43 described about her step daughter is an example of this indulgence- the aunt went above and beyond to accommodate her step daughter’s needs- and still got accused by the pwbpd- this is the indulgence part of the trauma.

Pwbpd usually attack kind hearted people and will not try it with someone who doesn’t provide that indulgence that they are accustomed to.
I remember my ex husband hated people who appeared confident and seemed to mind their business. These people appeared ‘ uncaring’ even though they were going about their business and didn’t have to be caring towards him.

[CC43]

Tangled, you really hit the nail on the head with this observation:

I've read elsewhere that while traumatic events may lead to the disorder, in the majority of cases the type of abuse is mainly indulgence.  Maybe a codependent parent contributes to this problem unknowingly , by over parenting and over compensating for adverse events- such as a disordered parent or family separation.

I think that is completely true in the case of my diagnosed stepdaughter!  Added to that background environment is her temperament of sensitivity, impulsiveness and negativity, and voila, she's got BPD behaviors.

Indeed, the story of my stepdaughter's short visit with her aunt is one rooted in indulgence.  Clearly the aunt went out of her way to be nice, because she knew how hard it had been for her niece, after dropping out of school and spending weeks in the hospital.  At the same time, her niece regularly appears to be spacey/clueless and generally ill prepared, for example by thinking that she can park just anywhere for free, or zip across a major metropolitan area in no time, and travel around the city with little cash or money in her bank account, oblivious to costs and ways to economize (like taking public transportation, preparing a packed lunch or snack, or bringing some water on a scalding day).  The natural tendency for loving adults is to step in with "help" and start to over-function, to shield her from adverse consequences (like getting lost, being late to the try-outs, being stranded without money or feeling parched on a scalding day).  At the same time, the pwBPD rarely notices the sacrifices that others make on her behalf, such as her aunt taking a day off work, at a moment's notice, to host her.  And surely the aunt wanted to know the plans for the visit, such as arrival and departure times, because she has a life to juggle--meetings, walking her dogs, a spare bedroom to prepare, etc.  Yet the pwBPD views any questions about her plans as aggressive, judgmental, prying, demeaning, whatever.  And to cap it all off, when reeling from the rejection of not getting called back for the try-outs, the pwBPD re-interprets her aunt's offer of water offer as "abusive," and lashes out in anger and threats of violence, in a misguided and ironic attempt to redirect her pain of rejection.  At the end of the day, the person who is abusive is the pwBPD, not the other way around.  At the same time, her aunt is shocked, confused, fearful and nearly tearful, lamenting how she could have possibly provoked such a reaction in her niece.  Instead of thanks or appreciation for her hospitality, she received vitriol and threats.

So Zuzmat, maybe you can imagine how the pwBPD might have related this story to her therapist.  She will say that she's abused--a frequent allegation that I hear from her.  The "abuse" in this case will be described as disrespect, demeaning behavior, condescension and/or infantilization.  The thing is, she'll leave out her role in the story, as well as omit the fact that she sent threatening messages to her aunt.  Even so, the therapist might work on getting to the core of her feelings--basically, that my stepdaughter feels inferior, insecure and/or childish.  I'm certain she feels this way, possibly because the world seems to treat her this way.  And maybe she has a point there.  It's just that she ACTS so childishly (including tantrums), so that's how she's treated, especially by the people who know and love her most.  It's almost a vicious circle.

[Ourworld]

Hi Zuzmat,

I believe that if a child has the genetical problem that the effects will come out and that certain childhood events can bring it to the surface.

As a child my daughter had symptoms that I thought were just her normal personality (shyness & sensitivity), she was an only child and we talked a lot. She did not act out, and any genetic predisposition was held at bay.

When she was 11 years old her dad deserted us, and she tried to be ok, and I was unaware of issues bubbling inside of her because of abandonment.
Then when she became a teenager I could feel a pulling away but she tried to push the feelings she was having away and spent a lot of time with me, but she did not have close friends.

By age 15, it was worse and I began to see big changes in her behavior.

Her grades went down when we moved, but she graduated. Then she wanted to leave (as far as I would allow) to go to college and that was when the BPD really raged.

So, bottom line is that there was a genetic predisposition that other children in my family did not have and turned out fine as they learned from and got past their mistakes in life.
The genetic problem comes from the father.
Since my child is considered high-functioning and had no major issues, plus had a very close and open relationship with me, she got through her young childhood okay.
But due to her genetic predisposition she probably felt a lot of abandonment when her father deserted her and the symptoms and emotional dysregulation started coming out in full force.

Over the years they became much worse, first she cutoff any phone communication with me (including text) after graduating with her undergraduate degree, and still unaware of her mental disorder I moved for work to Germany from 7/2010-11/2012, she once again was abandoned (in her mind) and wanted nothing more to do with me from when I left at the age of 24 and is now completely estranged from me at age 38.

[Ourworld]

I never actually abused her in the sense of the word, but she was very petite and cute (she only reached 4’11” in height) plus had a genius-level IQ and photographic memory and was avoidant towards others, so she was bullied (although she never said anything).

She blames me for things that have happened in her life, the bullying, my husband leaving, and the horrible experiences in college because they are too difficult for her to even think about.

OurWorld