Thoughts on legal action

[felixthedog]

My 30yo pwBPD has been harassing her sibling for months (on and off for years, more intense in past year), with false accusations along with simply cruel, demeaning messages. The sibling is considering taking out a restraining order against her. I am concerned this may escalate her behavior or put her over the edge.
Have others taken such action? If so, can you share your experiences with the aftermath of such action?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and is married to a guy with many NPD traits. ~8ish years ago H had to get a lawyer to protect his parenting time with the kids. Mom did escalate mostly through roping the kids (then 8-ish and 10-ish) in to adult issues and emotionally manipulating them to be on "her" side. Lots of blaming emails to H, lots of continued subtle attempts to interfere with his parenting time.

A couple months ago, we had to get CPS involved due to things the kids had told us about their mom's house and their stepdad's behavior. I expected significant retaliation (I made the call) but got nothing. Mom did blame our oldest (SD18) significantly for the situation, but has not interacted with me in any way since then, not even blaming emails/texts. She has not tried to interfere with H's parenting time or with us taking our youngest (SD16) to school.

So, response can vary after legal involvement, and it isn't always predictable. Or, I should say, it's predictably unpredictable. I couldn't rule out that Mom and Stepdad might impulsively try to contact my workplace or show up at my work (they didn't, after all), so I emailed HR ahead of time letting them know that we were in an active CPS investigation and to be aware that they may receive contact from CPS or from the kids' mom/stepdad. No matter what your other child ends up choosing (RO or not), giving workplaces a proactive heads up is a good protective move.

RO's are one strategy; there are others to try as well. It can depend on the content of the messages and to whom the messages are directed. Blocking and phone/email change, and/or filtering emails from D30 into an unread folder or trash, would be a reasonable first step.

It is important to know that while there can be benefits to RO's, there can be significant drawbacks as well. Taking out an RO means you have to be committed to contacting law enforcement if/when it's breached, so it wouldn't be just one escalation (getting the RO), it might mean multiple escalating instances (calling LEO's every time a new message is received or there's breaching contact, not just "when I feel up for it").

If your child hasn't yet read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker yet, that's a good place to start for straight talk about RO's. They definitely aren't one-size-fits-all.

Stepping back a bit, the other thing to consider is that at the end of the day, your child is making the choice... not you (I'm assuming your non-BPD child is also an adult, not a minor). Finding a way to "read the room" on if your child wants your advice is important. As the parent of an adult child, your role has shifted over the years, away from the hand-holding that is so loving and necessary when the kids are young, to more of a "we'll be beside you as you choose your path" role. More freedom... definitely more fear. I get it.

Has your non-BPD child asked you for your thoughts on the situation?

[felixthedog]

Thank you for this helpful reply.
Sibling is 32 yo and very, very stressed and frankly, fearful of sis wBPD exerting some sort of revenge (beyond cruel emails) for perceived wrongs. 32yo nonBPD has had not responded to texts/emails/calls for months, and blocked all social media w/BPD sis. Email is technically blocked (but accessible and she chooses to read them - we advised not reading them). We try to not get in the middle, but it is hard to not try to intervene. No amount of asking pwBPD to stop the behavior has worked. We now do not even acknowledge that we are aware of what she is doing, as it seemed a back-door way for pwBPD to know the message was received. We also cut off any discussion with pwBPD that is abusive (towards sister, or myself). I am worried that a RO might push BPD daughter over the edge. Her life is very unstable right now - unemployed, broke, very dysregulated.
This illness is so hard to bear. As painful as it is for the family, my DDBPD must be living in some kind of hellish internal existence, and this breaks my heart.

[Sancho]

Hi felixthedog
I would ring a community legal service to ask what sorts of things a restraining order can be used for. My understanding is that they can be applied for on the basis that there is a threat of harm involved eg texts that state the other person is going to physically harm you in some way, threats of violence etc.

Spreading horrible rumours etc would be more the realm of defamation law, which is a civil matter.

I think the first step is to get free advice as to whether the sorts of things being said/done come under the scope of the criteria for a restraining order to be granted.

If it does, then I agree with what Kells76 has said.

[kells76]

According to your D32, how did D30 respond after D32 blocked her everywhere? That is to say, did D30's frequency/intensity increase, decrease, or stay the same over the last couple of months?

What specific revenge is your D32 worried about? D30 calling D32's workplace/boss? D30 slashing tires/keying the car? D30 setting something on fire, showing up with a weapon, making violent threats via email or in a voicemail? D30 influencing mutual friends? Something else?

There is a wide range of what "revenge" can mean and the specific nature of the concerns makes a difference in how to move forward. It is a big difference between "telling my boss that my sister, who suffers from a mental health condition, might call the workplace" and "telling the police that my sister, who suffers from a mental health condition, emailed me to say she plans to kill me next Monday with the knife she owns".

We don't want to overreact if it isn't warranted, even if we're afraid. We also don't want to underreact. Information helps us find balance.

[felixthedog]

The fear is more in the arena of defamation, contacting an employer, or posting something online that is damaging (and false). As they live in different states, unlikely any physical threat (which has not been made) would be carried out. Seems she just wants to make her sister's life miserable. DDBPD has cut her sister off many times in the last 6 years (for up to a year or two at a time), most recently a year ago. When nonBPD32 stopped all contact, the harassing texts/emails accelerated, sometimes 5-10/day. NonBPD finally had enough and does not want any relationship with BPD sis. She is considering getting legal advise and we support that. I worried a RO would affect DDBPD's ability to get employment and housing if this comes up in a background check and asked nonBPD to hold off on RO. Now I am backing off that advise and just supporting her right to do what she needs to do to feel safe.
Thanks for the clarifications Sancho and Kells76