Realizing presence of BPD clouding my ability to see the good in my partner

[deeperwell]

About a month ago I realized that my spouse has uBPD with NPD traits. I have been reeling. All of the weird behaviors I have observed over the last 15 years that I never could previously explain are replaying like a bad movie in my mind. My sleep is erratic, my anxiety is like a pulsing knot in my stomach, I sometimes can't eat. I think about what this means for me and our family (we have a 10 year old) non-stop all day long. I am wildly distracted at work and having trouble focusing on anything other than this realization. Somehow I am able to focus on books about the disorder (have already finished Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Raising Resilient Children with a BP Partner, and am moving onto The Essential Family Guide to BPD).

My mind is basically both chaotic and completely clear - but the realization of what's going on for my partner and how that has affected me and our relationship is making me struggle to see and remember his good qualities. One of the books I finished said something like "Nothing has changed in your relationship except your awareness."

To this end - for those of you who have held this knowledge of your undiagnosed spouse for longer than my 30 days, how do you remind yourself of their good qualities? I need to hold onto this while I get stronger and continue through my own individual therapy. (Even if I ultimately decide I can't stay in the relationship, right now I know that I can't handle separating.)

Thanks for your input!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mugsydublin]

"Nothing has changed in this relationship except your awareness."

So valid. Something to really think about.

[mugsydublin]

Addendum: I really appreciate that insight about nothing changing except our awareness.

I still see some of the wife that I have loved and do love. She has moments where her anxiety must be low and times when we are able to actually have fun with each other. They are like little vacations, and they help me see who she might be underneath.

Part of the problem with the awareness--why it changes everything--is that we have had plans, and I have had plans that I no longer see as possible. We are in our 60s. I have a vision of growing old(er) together and our home being a place of creativity and intellectual/artistic engagement. I no longer see how that is possible. I am mourning a lot right now. Part of the mourning is my vision of how the last decades of my life might look.

[Providence]

I understand... I have just came to that realization with my spouse 6-7 months ago. It is really tough...but knowing, or understanding what may be going on helps. Keep researching, and getting tools and knowledge help. That's, where I am at. Not sure yet how to apply successfully. Hang in there...they are amazing people to love.

[FrozenBerry]

Hi deeperwell,

I'm usually lurking but felt compelled to reply to you because what you describe brings back so many memories. I found out about BPD in February 2022 and immediately as the pieces clicked had a 3 day migraine. The following weeks I was obsessively reading about BPD, up to 6 hours a day, while trying to somehow do the minimum at work to not get me noticed for underperformance. It was hellish and frightening. Like the bad movie you describe, my brain went through all my memories of situations and reexamined them in light of the information I was learning, recategorizing them to the new narrative. It was happening nonstop and without my consent, like a system update of my brain I hadn't asked for.

My point is to give yourself grace. My guess is your brain wants to focus on this because you feel its important. I am fiercely protective of the people I love, and learning the tools just became my top priority back then. In my case, things continued to get much worse until October 2023, and then started getting better. Every situation, relationship and pwBPD is different, you will know in time what the right path is for you and your family.

I wish you the best. Remember to look after yourself as you process the news, whatever that looks like for you.