Glad to find this community

[Lainney]

Hello everyone

My daughter is 20 and was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago.

From a young age she seemed to have ODD, although I never knew much about it at the time. She had a lot of tantrums when she was young. looking back, I didn’t really deal with it properly. She was a middle child and I have been brought up in quite a traditional way. I didn’t think I was a strict parent, but I did believe that when there were tantrums or what I thought was unacceptable behavior, that there needed to be consequences for example time out. I didn’t realize how sensitive she was and I didn’t realize that was the cause of so many tantrums.

 I believed we needed to be firm.I tried to also talk with her but at one point she seemed to hate us both and refused to come on family outings or spend time together. Besides for these tantrums she seemed to be doing well externally . She was doing well in school, she had activities she enjoyed. She had friends but from the age of around eight or nine we had so many conflicts.  Looking back now I do feel guilty. I ask myself. Why didn’t I see that there was something wrong, something seriously wrong? Because her two siblings seemed so ´fine’ it just felt like she was ‘difficult’.

Cut to the age of around 14, then she started to skip school and her grades fell. She started to smoke, drink, even drugs, stay out at night. We changed her school, with her agreement , going private, hoping this would help but it didn’t. She seemed to do well at first and made friends but at one point she became very depressed, started eating less and self harming. Sherefused to go and see a psychologist. We did get her to see some psychologists, but it never lasted. Eventually she was in hospital after a suicide attempt. She was hospitalized a few times. On the last time, she, a highly intelligent young woman,  did her own research and suspected that she had BPD. Once she pointed it out it was obvious, all the signals matched up, and in fact when we started to look at the notes from previous doctors, it had been mentioned as a possible diagnosis by two doctors. We mentioned it to the doctor at the hospital and she didn’t want to diagnose her at that time. She was under 18.

I was extremely fortunate because we had an opportunity to take her to a hospital for an outpatient program where they diagnosed her as BPD and she joined this weekly program which involved a psychologist session of DBT. This program lasted 18 months and it saved her life. She also has an eating disorder which has lasted five or six years. She’s seeing a nutritionist twice a month and it seems to be helping. I feel very very grateful that she’s still with us and that there is hope for the future.

She didn’t finish school. I found this heartbreaking because she’s highly intelligent. She was also almost diagnosed with ADHD so it’s not quite sure if she has that. She has two siblings who are both in university and it’s very difficult for her to be at home with no real prospects of moving out.

At the same time I am very grateful because she is very passionate about animals and recently she started to offer her services as a dog walker and  pet sitter and she is also working with a pet trainer. I am just happy that she is earning something for herself, so this is our story of where she is now.

While am so so grateful that she is alive and talks about the future, we do struggle so much with living with her. We just came back from holidays and we had some difficult moments. My husband, and I also did a course, called connections to help us understand BPD and be more validating. We don’t always succeed, but we find it hard even though she is no longer self harming or at risk of suicide parenthesis for now. Life is not easy. We are always walking on eggshells. everything we do is wrong, her condition is our fault according to her.

Sometimes I find it so hurtful to be criticized and attacked sometimes really for no reason and of course blamed. That’s why I joined this forum and I really look forward to having your support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Lainney and a warm

Your post really captures the reality of having a loved one with BPD. You all can be "doing everything right": she's done some treatment, you've done family connections, she's having some successes and is talking about the future, you're working on validation... yet fundamentally she still suffers from a significant mental illness. It's bittersweet, I would imagine: the good times have a tinge of darkness; the bad times still aren't as bad as the worst times were.

Do you feel like you've accepted, at a core level, that she may be emotionally and relationally impaired as a lifetime condition?

Has she ever talked about living elsewhere?

Looking forward to learning more about your story;

kells76

[Lainney]

Thanks so much Kells76. Indeed it’s often bitter sweet.

I guess we both haven’t really  fully accepted this as a disability. We often make allowances for her, but it’s so different from a physical one..

Looking forward to support others and share.