Family stuff and stress

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

H and I had another argument tonight. He works half-days on Fridays and will often run errands or go to the pool for a while. Today, he came home and tension was rolling off him. He didn’t respond to me when I called out a greeting (a bad sign). I tried to stay normal.

He accused me of being testy.
Yesterday was my birthday and we met my parents for dinner. It went extremely well. But tonight, he started going into things he felt were wrong. He pointed out my parents gave me more money than they give him on his birthday. They didn’t. They give us the same. It was a single bill, but folded over in the card and I unfolded it to put in my wallet. I told him this, but he kept bringing it up how his mom is always careful to be equitable. Then, yes, I got annoyed, because my parents are equal, too.

A number of other things came up.

Then he turned the conversation turned to SS13. How I’m critical of him but defend my family. Last month, there was a dinner at my sister’s on a week SS was with Ex. H and I talked about working it out with Ex to bring him. I did say we may want to work it out to have him shower at our house first — some way it wouldn’t embarrass him. Unfortunately, Ex has multiple pets and, despite a regular cleaning lady, her house reeks. H actually has to roll down the windows when we get SS because he smells so bad our eyes water. Turns out, SS didn’t want to go. Fine.

But tonight, H brought it up again. He said SS has been weird ever since my nephew’s graduation party in May. I haven’t noticed a thing. He’s not close to my family and I think that’s ok. The adults are nice to him. He gets gifts like everyone else. My parents come to baseball games. But H is now convinced one of my nieces said something to upset him and we need to find out what and who and then make the girl apologize to him.

That made me very anxious. For one thing, yes, I’m protective of my family. H has been so critical over the years and has gotten so upset at any perceived slight, I feel defensive. SS may just not want to go. He’s 13 and may not want to be around people he has nothing in common with. So what?

H just switched over to our financial advisor. I had used her (knew her from my home church) for years and he switched over after we married. He complains frequently. I’ve told him mans times he or we can find a new person. He says no. She was at my grandmother’s funeral. He just said “I didn’t even know who she was. I didn’t know anyone in that stupid receiving line.”

That was triggering for me, to have him say that about the funeral. Probably an overreaction. But I got up and took the dogs out.

[Ozzie101]

H and I had another argument tonight. He works half-days on Fridays and will often run errands or go to the pool for a while. Today, he came home and tension was rolling off him. He didn’t respond to me when I called out a greeting (a bad sign). I tried to stay normal.

He accused me of being testy.
Yesterday was my birthday and we met my parents for dinner. It went extremely well. But tonight, he started going into things he felt were wrong. He pointed out my parents gave me more money than they give him on his birthday. They didn’t. They give us the same. It was a single bill, but folded over in the card and I unfolded it to put in my wallet. I told him this, but he kept bringing it up how his mom is always careful to be equitable. Then, yes, I got annoyed, because my parents are equal, too.

A number of other things came up.

Then he turned the conversation turned to SS13. How I’m critical of him but defend my family. Last month, there was a dinner at my sister’s on a week SS was with Ex. H and I talked about working it out with Ex to bring him. I did say we may want to work it out to have him shower at our house first — some way it wouldn’t embarrass him. Unfortunately, Ex has multiple pets and, despite a regular cleaning lady, her house reeks. H actually has to roll down the windows when we get SS because he smells so bad our eyes water. Turns out, SS didn’t want to go. Fine.

But tonight, H brought it up again. He said SS has been weird ever since my nephew’s graduation party in May. I haven’t noticed a thing. He’s not close to my family and I think that’s ok. The adults are nice to him. He gets gifts like everyone else. My parents come to baseball games. But H is now convinced one of my nieces said something to upset him and we need to find out what and who and then make the girl apologize to him.

That made me very anxious. For one thing, yes, I’m protective of my family. H has been so critical over the years and has gotten so upset at any perceived slight, I feel defensive. SS may just not want to go. He’s 13 and may not want to be around people he has nothing in common with. So what?

H just switched over to our financial advisor. I had used her (knew her from my home church) for years and he switched over after we married. He complains frequently. I’ve told him mans times he or we can find a new person. He says no. She was at my grandmother’s funeral. He just said “I didn’t even know who she was. I didn’t know anyone in that stupid receiving line.”

That was triggering for me, to have him say that about the funeral. Probably an overreaction. But I got up and took the dogs out.

[ForeverDad]

Birthdays, funerals and so many other family events can trigger overreactions.  Actually, anything can.  I can remember my ex complaining how long it took me to load the car for vacation.  For her even preparing for vacation was a trigger.