We have hit a new low

[dtkm]

A couple of weeks ago, I was so happy as my uBPDh seemed to be making some positive strides...ok small steps, but they were meaningful to me!  The last 2 weeks that switched and have been horrible, with the last couple of days being complete hell.  I have never been so close to pulling the D trigger in my life.  As I posted on here, on Saturday, my H accused me of stealing and hiding my SD's medical supplies, an accusation that has made me very mad because I would NEVER do anything like that!  In his ranting, he text my parents and his mom to tell them to ask me to stop taking my SD's stuff.  I ignored the texts and told my parents to do the same as he just wanted attention.  Sunday rolls around and I can tell that he is beginning to regulate, so I open my self up just a little bit to him, telling him that he is welcome to join the kids and I on our outing.  At bed time, he climbs in bed next to me, wanting to cuddle and have sex.  It took me a little bit, but after saying one or two of my issues, I went along with some of his wants, partially because I know that its the only way to completely shift his mood over.  Monday morning all seemed good.  He left for the gym and was gone his usual 3 hours.  A little before he got home, his mom responded to the text saying how disappointed she was in me and that is a horrible thing to do.  All ignored her response but him saying that all is fine, but that he did agree that taking medical supplies is a horrible thing to do.  I, mad that he didn't stand up for me, was short with him when he returned home.  He made it look like he was working, then went up stairs to shower, etc.  I went up to shower as well and was talking to him about getting additional daycare that we need, which he was pretty short with me...I could feel the tension in the air the second we spoke.  After about 20 minutes, he started in on me with the same rant as always, that he isn't happy and it is because of me, and that I don't respect him and that I sleep with every coach of my son's, etc...blah blah blah.  I said, I am not doing this, you are correct, you don't respect me and I am sick of the false accusations and I walked out closing the door behind me.  He left for work, but came home at about 5...my kids were all playing outside.  My D3 wouldn't give my S6 a ball, so my S6 kicked my D3.  I told my son he had to get off the trampoline and he started yelling that it wasn't his fault, etc.  My H comes outside and starts yelling at me for telling my son to get off of the trampoline as my D3 has hit him before... and my S13 (who is standing right there) punched him in the neck and then proceeded to go off on my S13.  My S13 said, no I didn't and the incident that you are talking about was over a year ago...and the policed got called on you!  The day goes on.  At about 7 pm my H yells at me that he has to go into work tomorrow and he can't take off from work like planned or he will get fired...it is my responsibility and I need to take work off.  I can't as I followed through with our plan and took off last week.  I told him it is both of our responsibilities and he said nope just mine...I think that this shows how much he actually cares about the kids, but in reality he has no friends, so he doesn't have anyone to help.  I find some one to help, which is so much better than the kids being home alone with him...oh I forgot to mention that yesterday my D3 had a bad dream and woke up saying mom don't leave me alone with him.  When I asked her what was going on she just said it scares me.  I finally got out of her that she hates it when I leave, but wants dad around but only if mom is around.  I am at work, and decide to check my bank account.  There is a $750 payment to his back account.  Mind you it is a joint account, but he has not used this account for over 2 years and we agreed in our initial D proceedings that it was my account.  Because his name is on the account though, I can't say its fraud.  I contact him about it and he says that it is to pay for the medical supplies that I stole...I will not pay for something that I didn't do!  This is crazy...plus I pay $750 a week to something so he thought that he could sneek this in and I wouldn't notice.  I told him that this has been documented as well as his logging into my account with my information and is illegal and that I would take the money out of our joint savings and he needed to replace that money.  I also called my SD's mom to tell her and she said that he hadn't paid her child support yet for the month and was sure that the money would not come to her but that she would let me know.  We are supposed to go on vacation leaving on Sunday.  I feel like I need to make some pretty big choices by the time I get back from vacation... 

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[dtkm]

So that I remember in case it is needed in the future…the story continues at about 3pm yesterday I get a text from my H saying that cameras have been set up in the house. Ok. I’m not huge on my every move being recorded, but honestly as long as I have access to it I don’t care as I have nothing to hide. I tell him that I expect access to the cameras in 24 hours or less or I do not agree to having them up. He says you already have access check your email, then follows that with you can expect all you want. I need to learn more about RING!  My daycare lady texts me that she is leaving (to which I later find out that my H was an a$$ to her but she told me she had so much fun with my kids…luckily her ex had NPD so she understands!) I get home from work, open the door and my D3 is screaming crying. My H is saying see it told you she would be home any minute. My D3 runs over to me saying that she tried not to cry today but that she needs me. I lay with my kids then my H disappears (I think he went on a walk as leaving without saying anything is his new thing) and my kids ask if I would take them to the park so I did ( my oldest was at basketball and then had a sleepover after). We played at the park for about an hour, then went home and I made the kids dinner and said that I was going to go upstairs and watch some tv…it was probably 7:30 at this point. All 3 of the kids say that they want to go upstairs with me and follow me up when I go. My H at this point is sitting on the couch in the kids tv room watching a violent movie on the tv that he has told my S13 that he is to never use for video games again…even though that is the reason it was set up for…no one watching the main tv or even sitting on that couch!  At about 8:15 he comes up and give our 2 youngest a kiss goodnight…ignores my D9. We are playing around at this point laughing at whatever silly tv show we are watching. At about 8:45 he comes up again to do the same thing and tells the kids, that they better enjoy watching the tv tonight as tomorrow he is bringing it to the storage unit as he believes that the kids are going to bed to early because of the tv!  He wants them up all night just like him, but wants no responsibility for them at this time!  They look at me and when he leaves I tell them not to worry, I will figure it out and get a new one if needed as I didn’t agree with this parenting decision he just made. I put my D9 and S6 to sleep and turn the tv off at 9 as my D3 can’t sleep if the tv is on…which he knows. He then comes back upstairs as his movie must have ended and he grabs the remote and put the tv back on telling our D3 that he is putting his tv on not hers. I ask him to turn the volume down and he loudly refuses.He starts in on me, I can’t remember what he was saying …but I have it recorded…demanding my wedding ring, which I refused to give him, but I took it off myself this morning, and more. I said nothing, but asked if he could leave us alone and sleep downstairs. He refused and said I could do that, that he has had to do that the last couple of nights because of me, he has never done it before and will never do it again…what you spend more nights staying up all night watching movies than ones you actually come upstairs!!  And this has nothing to do with me!!  He gets in bed, our 2 youngest were in the bed between us and he pulls the blankets so that they are only slightly over me, so I tug them just a little bit so that I have enough to cover myself and so does he…it was not a big tug or meant to ruffle feathers. He grabs the blanket and rips the whole thing off of me and my D3 yelling something as he does it. I respond saying really, you seriously are like a 2 year old and I go (taking my D3 who is still awake with me) to sleep on a mattress that is on our floor. I hug my D3 and get her to fall asleep…with my H’s violent movie going on in the background. After about 15 minutes my H gets up and stands next to the mattress to watch the movie for a minute or two then lays back down. He then gets up again and comes over to me and tells me that there is plenty if space that I am welcome back in bed. I tell him that I am fine where I am…the only thing that I want to be near in that bed is my S6. I eventually fall asleep. I wake up around 5is to the Ring notifications buzzing on my phone and realize that he has been downstairs since 4:40 am. I hear him go down to the treadmill at 5:30 and decide that I would rather cuddle my babies this morning then workout. Around 7 am he leaves for the gym. I have spent the day playing with my kids and organizing for our trip we leave for on Sunday. Surprise surprise…it’s getting pretty late and he is downstairs watching a movie eating crap…”something he has never done or will ever do again…according to the last night him! 

[kells76]

It is really difficult and hurtful when the other parent's BPD impacts the kids. These are not easy situations to navigate.

As you reflect back on the last few years, do you think there might be a conflict cycle? I.e., 1 "good" week then 3 "bad" weeks, 2 "good" months then 2 "bad" months, couple of good days then a dozen bad days... do you think there is something repeating there, or more random?

Whether repeating/cyclical or more random, do you feel caught off-guard by his behaviors?

[dtkm]

Thanks Kells, yes he does have a pattern where he is usually in his not nice mood starting on Mondays, since I work the next day and transitions back to being nice on Fridays, since I don't work again until Tuesday.  Then usually one week a month he will switch it and be nice during the week and not on the weekend.  I could usually tie it to either me leaving the house to go to work or work stress of his.  But...with the boundaries that I put in place, he started to switch that pattern with the weekdays not being so horribly bad as before, but then they switched back to bad again lately.  I have put in so much work, that I was hoping that the progress that we had made would at least stick, if not move forward with the expectation set at that of a snail's pace.  I guess I have to remember where we are coming from, which was way worse than we are at right this moment, but I am tired and feel like I have to document everything!  Especially tired of always having to be on guard of my children.  I wouldn't say that I am ever surprised at his outbursts any longer, I think I am just always disappointed as "here we go again" and wonder "how bad is it going to be this time?".  I know his triggers, me leaving the house (mostly for work), me attending any of my children's sporting events, something happening to one of "his" children or "his" children's belongings (even if he was the one to do the thing or lose/break the item), one of "my" children excelling in something that "his" can't or "my" kids seen as "better" than "his" in his eyes, anyone showing any indication that I could be "better" than him in any area (brains, looks, fitness, money, the age we look, health, parenting, friends, family, etc), work stress (which I think comes from people questioning him on his work or the amount of time he puts into work, which I would too if I were his employment), etc.  I think I am tired of being in a committed relationship, but always having to plan for the "what ifs".  But thank you for your questions...it really got me thinking about the truth behind all of this.