I kicked out my 19 daughter with signs of BPD Undiagnosed

[BIRD86]

Hello I am feeling hopeless and exhausted it has been 4 years since she started this behavior of disrespecting my house rules and disrespecting me. She would smoke marihuana in the house we told her several times to stop and she did not care and the house would be smelling like it and she denied in my face. she will run away everytime we confronted her and will disrespect me. police was involved several times when things got out of control. I wrote a house contract and she rip it off on my face.
one day I asked her to clean her room and she call me a bitch.
She went to live with her boyfriend when she was 17 and call CPS on me and my husband to force her way back into our house after a fight with her boyfriend we had no other choice but to take her back in.
that year was a nightmare for me. I have put up with blames towards me of how horrible of a mother I am and that she's like this because of me and that she was neglected as a child and a lot of other accusations. every time she goes thru something with her relationships she gets depressed and take her anger and frustration on me. She threatens to call my job to get me fired and threatens to accuse me and my husband to the police for child neglect. I have been very loving understanding and worked hard to provide for her she had a clean room with a bathroom at home and she constantly complained how that she doesn't wanna be there and stated I rather live on my car or be homeless etc.
She moved with a friend for while and they wind up having problems. she moved with my sister for but she did not respect rules at her house so my sister got upset but never kicked her out she didn't feel comfortable because my sister would not talk to her so she decided to move out again with other friends they let her stay with them rent free and provided her with her own room and bed nice basemant. she burn those bridges very fast. she tried to commit suicide I am not sure why  wind up in a psych ward for a week. when she got out she had no where to go and beg me to take her back In I decided not to take her back I am scared and  I don't wanna go thru that nightmare again as I see from her behavior she hasn't changed I offered to help her look for a room to rent and she refused saying that she need to be with me and acting like a 5 year old who need mommy. I told her she need  to be Indepedent and offered to help financially for a couple of months while she gets better she refuses to live on her  own even tho she has a full time job and have her own car. she earns two paychecks. She met a guy from afganistan who is a liar and not good for her. I believe he use her for sex and promise things to her her very toxic relationship fights everyday with him.. she fall so in love with him and wont live him alone her world revolves around him.
she shows up at he's work sometimes. call him several times a day and was looking for a room to move in with him. and the guy wasn't even gonna move out of he's parents house.
When she got kick out of her friends house after her suicide attempt she sent threatening messages to all her friends and family. I stayed firm and refused to let her back in my house. my sister took her back again and now she is crushing on my sis couch.
Her boyfriend left her and blocked her and she was devastated. she tried all she could to manipulate him to take her back she used my sister and family phone to reach out to him several times a day. finally she made up a story that she is pregnant and the guy told her to get an abortion and wants nothing to do with her. I know she is not pregnant it was a manipulative tactic. She text me horrible things some days and I don't reply anymore. two days ago she called me crying saying that she is very depressed and sad and she needs me to come sleep with her and cuddle her and begged me . I told her I cant and I wont doit I am way to damage to even try to be close to her right now. I didn't say that to her but I just told her no. my therapist told me to set firm boudaries and I am. I suffer from anxiety and worry sick everyday day I have cried countless nights and my heart aches. I was at the point in my life where I almost loss my marriage because my husband wont put up with it and I refused to see my daughter homeless. Everytime she had a problem in the past I was there to help her and fix her problems. I have spent a lot of money helping her move, fix her car and lot of other necesities. i pay for her phone car insurance health insurance and gave my sister some money for rent. fix her car tire renewed her tags car inspection and pay for storage unit for her things etc. I am exhausted and hopeless.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Bird, you’ve certainly had it rough. This community understands the desperation you feel. Clearly you love your daughter, and you’ve probably tried everything, and yet nothing seems to work. You’re not sure what hurts most:  her abuse towards you, or seeing her in such distress, or feeling your world is crumbling.  Add to that the suicide attempts, and it seems like a nuclear war, with mutually assured destruction.

But I think you’re right in not letting her back in your house, if she’s abusing you. Just because she has BPD doesn’t give her a free pass to abuse others  That’s where your boundaries need to be firm:  if she’s abusive, she’s not welcome. If she doesn’t learn that from you, then she’ll have to learn from others, when she’s evicted by friends, lovers or extended family. The sooner she learns this, the better. For both of you.

The mantra here is the three Cs—I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. It’s not up to you, it’s up to your daughter to decide she needs to change to feel better. If you enable her to maintain the status quo—by housing her while she’s abusive and blaming you, playing the victim card—then you’re prolonging the misery.

I would suggest you look at some of the posts by Pook, who went through a similar situation. My own situation was a little different, but in my case, the adult child with BPD had to hit bottom, twice, before deciding to take therapy seriously. Fortunately, she’s in a much better place right now. But her period of misery was probably prolonged by her dad who paid her rent, health and car insurance, utilities, etc. while she was abusive to him and checked out of life (not in school, work, training or therapy).

I know you must feel miserable and stressed right now, but I see a silver lining. You say your daughter worked two jobs, and that she had a romantic relationship. Those are major accomplishments for someone battling BPD. She might even be high functioning. To me that sounds a lot better than some situations where adults can’t function at all or even leave the house.

I wish you strength and some tranquility. You’ve got this.

[BIRD86]

Hello CC43 thank you for your words it certainly brigs prospective and encouragement for my situation.

My daughter hasn’t been diagnosed with BPD only with severe depression. Is very hard and sometimes I feel guilty when I am living my life and enjoying experiences I often think of her and her misery and brings me so much sadness. I cannot include her on anything fun outings or gatherings because she often acts out and always in a bad mood.
Is very unpleasant to live life with her. Breaks my heart.

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

Boy do I get where you're coming from.  The diagnosed BPD in my life had a perpetually dark mood and outlook.  She interpreted everything as negative.  She was depressed, too.

The thing is, if your daughter is depressed--which I understand is a typical co-existing condition with BPD--there are medications to help with that.  Medications were vital in helping turn around the situation for the BPD in my life.  I personally don't think there's any stigma anymore in taking medications to treat depression or anxiety.  Just look at TV commercials today; it's as if half the world is taking something!  If she's really feeling blue, then wouldn't medications be worth a try?  True, it may take some time to figure out what meds and what dosage works best, but I suspect that feeling better, even a little better, would be worth the trouble.

I'll also add that the pwBPD in my life self-medicated with marijuana for a few years.  Clearly, marijuana made her situation MUCH worse.  I think it even led to psychosis.  She had to hear it from doctors that the marijuana was harming her, and when she stopped using, I think that also helped her quite a bit.  So I would support you 100% in not allowing any pot in your household.  You can't control what goes on outside your house, but you can control what goes on inside.  I might suggest to be careful about not indirectly financing the pot consumption by your daughter.  So if it were up to me, I wouldn't give her cash.  Rather, I'd give her help in kind, for example by paying her rent or health insurance directly, or by inviting her over to dinner so she can eat something (or maybe having food delivered to her home).  If she's addicted, she probably just wants money, so that she can continue to buy drugs.  I'd say, if she wants that, then at least she has to work to get it--but it's not coming out of your pocketbook.

I know this is heart-wrenching.  I'm sure if you continue reading posts on this website, you'll see you're not alone.  I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones, where treatment has turned things around for the adult child with BPD in my life.  Yes she still has struggles, but she's much, much better off now.  I feel like I can breathe again, and I'm not consumed with worries and doubts all the time.  I still panic if there's a late-night phone call, but those have all but disappeared.

I wish you strength and some peace.

[BIRD86]

CC43 Thank sharing your story with me.

My daughter is in therapy and was prescribed médica but she refuse to take it and is very close up on trying to find something that can work for her. Every time I tell her she shut me down.

I hope this situation gets better I just pray.

[js friend]

Hi Bird86

This is all so familiar to my own story with my udd. My udd left home when she was 17years old. She was disrespectful, lazy, secretive, abusive, told lies constantly, and manipulative..... Even family members and friends (who she know longer speaks to) who took her in  eventually had to ask her to leave so she moved around quite a lot, but I never her allowed her back home because I knew that she wasnt willing to change her ways.
Now she is 31years old and has 3  kids. I dont know what her life is like now because have been no contact for 3 years and I have to admit that I dont miss her at all. You are doing the right thing by having strong boundaries with your dd because your dd needs them...and you dont need to take the abuse just because you are her mother..Without having boundaries I felt that my udd was constantly trying to manipulate me in one way or another as she very rarely would tell the truth about anything.
Try to remember Bird86 that Boundaries are for you....to protect your health both mentally and physically. Keep practicing them with your udd and it will get easier to apply them and she will eventually get it. 

[BIRD86]

Js friend thank your for sharing your story.

The idea of going no contact terrifies me.
I’ve thought about tho sometimes it gets so overwhelming and suffocated by her. She has become very needy towards me and calls me crying asking me to go sleep with her is kinda scary in a way she acts like a 5 year old.  I have committed to see her once a week and she said is not enough time. She just recently started acting this way.
She’s hot and cold and often blames me for her childhood.
She is slowly pushing me away sometimes I don’t wanna see her. It breaks my heart but she doesn’t respect my life and also is jealous that I have a husband and I make time for him.
I’m staying firm and I have also started not picking up every time she calls or text. Is hard for me and I have fallen for it a couple of times end up explaining myself to her for not spending enough time with her.
She’s almost 20 and acts like she needs me to lay down with her to make her feel better. She needs to learn how to self soothe when she’s lonely or sad. I wanna be there for her and talk to her over the phone when she feels sad but it has become too much and I am feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. I’m always expecting the worse when the phone rings my heart race and I get trembling feeling in my body. I am to the point where I have contemplating moving that way she doesn’t expect me to be around.

[k66]

Hi Bird86,
It sounds like we are going through very similar struggles.  I too have a 19-year-old daughter with BPD who is extremely verbally abusive to me and blames me for all that's wrong in her life.  She has wrongfully accused me and my husband of abuse and neglect and continues to make up events that never occurred.
It sounds like you are setting boundaries which is very important.
Unfortunately, we cannot really help our children unless they are willing to accept it.  This is the hardest thing I am learning.  It's heart breaking watching a potential "train wreck" and being helpless to stop it. 
Just know you are not alone.

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

I totally understand the dread you feel when you hear the phone ring or see a text.  You sense something is wrong, and you brace yourself for abuse and/or fear, because that's what history has taught you to expect from your daughter.

I think your daughter needs you, but that you can establish firmer boundaries with her, to protect yourself from her.  I'd suggest keeping the lines of communication open, but if she starts yelling at you or being abusive, you put a stop to it.  I often employ the "three strikes" approach.  So when she has adopted an overly negative, whiny, nonsensical or abusive tone, I'll say something like, "We're not getting anywhere, so let's change the topic, or I'll have to hang up (or leave the room)."  If she continues, you remind her, "Look, we're not getting anywhere, and this conversation is stressing me out.  I'm going to hang up if you continue this way."  And if she continues, you hang up.  That way, she gets some time and space to cool off.  If she calls again, you can pick up, and try to have a positive conversation again.  If not, hang up again (or go to another room).

You are right, she needs to learn how to self-soothe.  And you are also right in that she sometimes acts like a five-year-old.  Because though intellectually she may be an adult, emotionally, she hasn't fully matured, and she resorts to tantrums, blame-shifting, crying and victimhood to cope with adult situations.  She's impulsive, and she can't control her emotions once triggered.  That's where DBT can really help, as can establishing your boundaries with her.  She needs to learn that throwing a tantrum, crying like a baby or insulting you or blaming others for her own problems won't work to get her what she wants.  What does she want?  I'm not sure, but maybe she wants attention, help doing things she should be doing for herself, money, or merely an outlet for her rage/sadness/inferiority complex.  She might not even really know what she wants.  She might feel miserable, and misery loves miserable company.

[Ourworld]

Hello Bird86,
I recommend that instead of calling you when she’s upset for you to suggest her writing an email instead.
This might be better for both of you; she might get out her feelings enabling her to begin self-soothing and it would give you some tranquility from her verbal abuse to try and make you feel like she needs your help.
I learned a longtime ago not to watch or listen to negative news reports, I will only read them so that my vision from watching and hearing senses are not affected.

I know you care, but do your best not to enable.

My own daughter has completely stopped all communication with me for 11 years now. I did not realize that she had any mental health problems (that is not anything that runs in my family), but I found out from her ex in January about some of her erratic behaviors and beliefs.

In 2013 when she told me that she would no longer communicate with me I went through trying to figure out what I could have done for her to do this for a few years. I finally came to the conclusion that it was her problem from bad things that occurred when she left home for college out of town.
Flash forward to January of 2024; she had left her husband July of 2023 because he was in a severe psychosis from (I have found out now) severe mental health problems from Special Forces. He is being treated appropriately now at the VA, I have been mentoring him and once he told me about her behavior and her beliefs and memories I began to research possibilities. That was when I came to realize that she is probably suffering from BPD, and I realized that when her father left probably caused the deep-seated Abandonment issue that is a difficult problem for kids with BPD. He gave me her current email address (I did NOT ask for it) and I got up the courage from this site to email her 3 facts; that I was unaware that the way her father left affected her, that I went to work in Germany because I needed to, and the current status of her husband.
I was really surprised that she wrote me back; even though the email was cruel, blaming and accusing me of being crazy. But unfortunately this did confirm my suspensions of BPD because they blame the person closest to them, usually the mothers.
So even though the email response was mean, I was relieved in a way to realize that I was right about her state of mind. I heard the emotion of love, because she did actually write a longer email to me which showed she did care.
My daughter is now 38 and quite self-sufficient, thankfully this gives me peace, and to be honest, I would really like for her to return to me but only in her right mind.

The main reason I shared my story is to help you realize and believe that what has happened with her is NOT because of anything you did, plus your daughter does truly love you, it is her dysregulated emotions that get in her way.

You are doing well to establish boundaries, you got this!
And how kind of your sister or sister-in-law to help!!

I truly wish you the best, OurWorld