Is your daughter living at home? How old is she? Those factors can make a difference in how to move forward healthily.
Here’s a brief history:
She has a learning disability diagnosed at age 3.
She has had three suicide attempts and five inpatient admissions.
She has had depression since age 4. Has additional diagnoses of anxiety, OCDish, disagreement on DX of bipolar, was DX with BPD during an inpatient admission then another provider disagreed (ohhhh if they could see her now….).
Father is Covert Narcissist
Has threatened to kill/harm family members she is living with.
Has PTSD from her own personal trauma experiences in her late teens/early 20’s (that I'm aware of).
She currently lives in a home owned by her dad, and other family members are living in the home as well, temporarily. He has basically been supporting her since her last inpatient admission 6-7 years ago.
When she last lived with me (7+ yrs ago), she was really struggling, escalated, threatening physical harm to my son, etc. I was sleeping with my door locked and furniture in front of the door, so was my son. She threatened to call the police when I wouldn’t let her leave the house in her car - she was not safe to drive, etc. She was volatile and unpredictable. I was struggling with my own emotions at that time. Our divorce was NASTY as I was breaking the codependent/NPD cycle we had been in for the past 25 yrs, I was trying to be NC with him while trying to address her mental health issues as a team, etc. Ultimately, my ex took her in after her last IP admission and has supported her ever since.
She is currently 27. I have watched her take advantage of her dad’s generosity for the last seven years. His intent was to provide a space for her to save money and he’ll set her up for success (she never paid him the LOW agreed upon rent, which he intended to save for her and give to her when she moved out). She has spent her money on frivolous things, hasn’t saved a dime, hasn’t accepted offers to help her set up a budget, trashed the space she lives in, etc.
Four-ish years ago she asked me if she could come and live with me, as things were pretty toxic with her dad’s live-in gf at the time (1000% true). I said no. I knew she was in a terrible situation and I left her there to keep my own boundaries and sanity safe, but it was so hard and I still feel awful about it. My home is quiet and peaceful, she and I were getting along. I knew none of that would continue to be trueif she moved in. But…GUILT.
Fast forward to now - her current behaviors have escalated (there was a triggering event several months ago) and she has made threats to the other family members of the household. Her dad has told her she can no longer stay there because of this. He has offered to have her come and stay in his home (as much as I can’t stand that man, God love him for that). (To clarify, she is currently living in a home he owns, but it’s not where he currently lives. He is remarried to a lovely woman - not the toxic gf - that I have never met, but she’s wonderful to my kids per their report!)
She is refusing to move in with him and has instead said she will just move out. She sent me a text asking to move in with me (she did not give me the details, but I knew). I again said no and offered to get together to discuss the reasoning, but that I would not discuss over text. She declined to discuss.
A few days ago she sent me a text saying how awful it is not to be loved as much as the other children, how distraught she’s been for years because the ex told her I said I couldn’t have her in my house because I couldn’t deal with the potential of coming home and finding her deceased in my home (true but, dude, use some discretion with what you tell her), how she’s never felt as loved as the other kids and has been doing all this therapy to accept that it isn’t true but now she knows it actually is true because “my own mother won’t let me stay at her house”. She cited some specific incidents which are inaccurate. And so on.
Needless to say that was upsetting. However, I’m giving props to my therapist who taught me about boundaries, and to my infidelity community that taught me about BAIT.
I simply responded and said I’d be happy to get together and discuss those points with her, but that I would not discuss over text. She agreed it isn’t a convo for text but declined to get together saying she’s busy trying to find a place to live so she can’t talk about it right now.
Do I feel guilty? Absolutely. I’m trying to remind myself that healthy boundaries are healthy for a reason, and tough love is tough for a reason.
She is doing Trauma therapy right now, which I’m really grateful for, but I feel like this therapist is either whackadoodle, therapist is being manipulated, daughter is hearing what she wants to hear, or daughter is lying about the feedback she is getting from the therapist. Per daughter, therapist has validated that her threatening to kill her family member was appropriate because it was the only way daughter could see to end the conversation. I’m sorry, WHAT? This has to be her own interpretation of the therapist saying “I can understand why you felt that way”, right?
Anyway, as she goes through this process I’m anticipating a lot more blame coming my way. My kids were my whole world during that time of my life. I was a SAHM and my whole world was dictated by my husband and my kids. I did the best that I could at all times, and I thought I did a pretty good job. Her siblings are well adjusted, successful adults. My world no longer revolves around them and I like it that way.
In a way this feels like dealing with my NPD ex, who I’ve been blissfully NC with for five years. I don’t want to feel the same way about her that I feel about him. I recognize that by setting boundaries with her she may make the decision to go NC with me, and that idea makes me sad, but I’ll deal with it if it happens.
I don’t know. It just feels like a hot mess is brewing.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening.
