Stunned

[Tyingaknot]

Good morning,
I am new here.  I adopted two full biological siblings.  They came to live with me when they were 6 and 8.  The oldest left home when she was 18 and went into a shelter.  She had a mood d/o, narcissistic personality disorder, and psychosis.  She will be 20 in the fall.  My youngest is now 18.  She decided that she did not want to follow the rules in the home.  We had asked that she not date because she needed to work on her own mental health.  When she got her first real boyfriend, she ended up getting hospitalized.  With the second boyfriend, she tried to destroy the house.  She decided that she was 18 and didn't need to follow our direction.  She met a boy and began dating, willing to give up her relationships to myself and her grandmother to "have" this boy.  She only knew him for a week.  She started dating and refused to come home unless we allowed her to date him and also did not take her cell phone away.  I caved.  I was going to have her sign a living agreement, but before that could happen, she told him that she loved him.  When he did not tell her the same, she became dysregulated/angry, so he broke up with her.  She then "overdosed" by taking more than what was prescribed of her mental health medications (nowhere near enough to actually overdose).  Her best friend called me to tell me she OD'd, so I called 911.  I was out of town at my grandmother's funeral.  Someone else also called the police.  They breached the door of my home because she refused to answer the door.  They took her to the hospital, where she admitted herself.  In less than a week, she signed herself out, despite my pleading that she sign herself into a DBT program (inpatient).  Because of this, I told her that she could not return home, so she went to a shelter.  Now that she has gotten the items that she wants from the home, there are no more "I love you" or "I miss you" texts.  She only calls/texts when she wants something.  I finally said last night, don't bother if you are only reaching out so you can get something from me.  When she was "ok", she was an amazing child.  She has had behavioral issues since she was 2 or 3 (long history of CYS involvement, etc).  She lies so easily and I can't even tell anymore what is a lie or truth.  I just want the truth, I don't care what that is; but she just continues to lie about everything.  If her mouth is moving, she is probably lying.  I thought she cared.  I feel stupid.  While in the hospital, they diagnosed her now with Bi-Polar D/O and Borderline Personality Disorder.  I feel horrible that I am not letting her come home, but I also want off of this crazy train that I feel that I am on.  I don't want to keep chasing her for a relationship.  I don't feel that is ok for my own mental health, and then I wonder at times if I am being selfish.  Sorry for the long post, but maybe I just needed to get some of it out and I am hoping that someone here understands.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome, you are in the right place.  We understand.  While there are feelings of guilt , we must realize we are as important as the bpd adult child.  Some of us here , including me, have had to protect ourselves and establish this boundary. I'll comment more later , have to run.  Know we are here for you.

[js friend]

Hi Tyingaknot,

 I dont think  this is a particulary long post ( My first couple of posts here could easily have gone on for pages and pages ) nor is it is selfish at all that you are putting your own mental health first. How can you be in a position to  help your dd's if your own mental health is down the pan. My udd left home at 17years old after years and years of choas. Every day was it was total chaos and I was truly worn down by it by the time she left. I  also used to get caught up on the lying....some were so ridiculous that that they were laughable. My udd has told lies from a very early age. I remember telling her the story about "The boy who called wolf"  many times and emphasised the importance of telling the truth but she would just carry on telling lies. Now I understand from what Ive read the lying is a part of the condition (psychopathy). Once I accepted that was the reason for it I decided to let it go and it did my own mental health a world of good.
My udd has always wanted to an adult from a very age and did almost everything to be thrown out .After she left at 17yo I refused to let her back home. I remember the lady from the hostel calling me asking if my udd would be allowed back home....I told her no. She asked why?....I told her that udd  was abusive and wouldnt follow the rules and I had had enough! By that stage I truly didnt care what others felt or said about me. They werent living in my home and didnt know how badly behaved my udd was to everyone...so no i wouldnt have her back. I  did allow her back home brief visits  for meals 2x times a week and brought her toiletries before she found her own place. She is now 31years with 3 kids, has a partner and has lived successfully on her own 2 feet for many years. I have also had to deal with the fall out from my udd's early relationships. It is often a pattern of the part of the instable relationships that pwbpd often have. It  was endless until It became one of my boundaries that did not want to know from either udd or her b/f's about the dysfunction in their r/s and  I would not rescue my udd anymore and again having this boundary helped my mental health tremendously. 

Please dont be too hard on yourself Tyingaknot because your mental health is just as important as your dd's mental health.