Adult Middle aged son

[Kaj52]

My 52 year old son who has a life long history of "blowing up his life" but has never received mental health help or a diagnosis was recently diagnosed with BPD. My family and I are struggling with how to interact with him.  His relationship ended abruptly leaving him without anywhere to live, he has no job, and has what are probably going to be some fairly significant health issues.   My husband and I are in our 70s. We let him come stay on our couch, which was a mistake. Descriptions of the situation are the same anyone who has a loved one with BPD knows well.  The upshot is I had to have him removed from my home due to an episode that I allowed to become a screaming match. I am trying now to figure out how to cope with my guilt and grief about him being out on the street homeless in a way that isn't harmful to him, but also isn't harmful to us. I don't know if what I'm trying is right so am asking for advice and/or suggestions.  I have asked him to not text or call and told him I will respond to emails. That we love him. That I will provide him with answers/resources that I may have to any questions he asks. I am not responding to any "angry or threatening" emails. 
Let me add - I am a licensed social worker and work with homeless people so do have knowledge of resources but am limited ethically in how I can access them for friends or family benefit. My MH experience is limited to the more common diagnoses of depression and anxiety and substance use disorders.  The personality disorders are completely outside my scope of experience. 

Please help me learn how to do what's best for my son and my family.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Kai,

First, welcome to the group. Things must have gotten pretty miserable for your son to end up on your couch, and then for you to ask him to leave. You both must be reeling.

I’d encourage you to read the boards so you see you are not alone. I’ll just say it’s not your fault, your son is an adult, and he is responsible for him. You are absolutely right to set some boundaries about communication, such as you will not respond to raging or threatening messages!

My advice would be to consider helping him to get help—for example therapy for BPD. But you do not help him if he is unemployed, mistreating you or resisting therapy. If you do that, you will probably be enabling dysfunction while exhausting your resources and accepting abuse from him, and nothing will change.

The mantra here is to remember the three Cs—you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. Only your son can do that. Alas, he might have to hit bottom before he decides to change for the better. Being homeless might or might not be that bottom.

BPD is not easy. But the pwBPD in my life has improved with DBT and medication for depression. She still has emotional issues and makes rash decisions, but we’re not fearing for her life on a daily basis anymore. The loving support of a parent and a direct line of communication with her therapist were key in helping turn things around. Of course the pwBPD deserves much credit, because she worked hard to change.

I wish you some peace with establishing firm but fair boundaries. You are not to blame, no matter what your son says. If he says mean and illogical things, that’s BPD talking. He doesn’t really mean it, and you shouldn’t take it personally.

[js friend]

Hi kaj52,

As well as having good boundaries another important technique is remembering not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) When dealing with someone with pwbpd. I used to get caught up in many arguments with my udd which always ended up unresolved and left me  feeling very frustrated and worn out. Udd  on the other hand seemed to enjoy them. It never thankfully came to the level of the calling the police but Im  sure it often became loud enough for my neighbours to hear,  (which is quite embarrassing)but the moment I started to apply JADE  our arguments became much, much less as she finally got the idea that just would no longer engage in these senseless arguments.

[js friend]

oh yes I meant to add....yes that I think it is quite normal to feel guilty for putting your child out on the street. My udd left home at 17yo and survived. I also felt guilty as she was so young but she wanted her freedom for many many years i  had to let her go.  She also knew that there was no way that she would be allowed back home without some form of treatment. After she left home she moved around quite a lot and  stayed in hostels and with family members and is now 31yo. She was very resourceful and she worked it out for herself.. Many adult kids can become enabled by their parents, as parents think it is their lives work to protect and serve their kids. Your son  has lived somewhat successfully before albeit with the blowups so hopefully given space and time that your son will get back on track and work things out for himself.

[Kaj52]

Thank you to everyone who responded and provided insight and support.  I've been reading avidly, trying to inhale as much as possible.

I know I need a therapist to help me work on my own stuff but also to help guide me in this relationship..  But I have no idea if a therapist specializing in DBT is the right place to start. Any suggestions about the best type of therapist is best would be appreciated.

[Notwendy]

My situation is with an elderly parent with BPD. There could be some similarities due to the age of your son- and also you and your husband's.

First, you have to secure your own situation. You need to preserve your income and savings for your own needs. In addition, you need to have a plan should either of you need more care in the future. Your son isn't going to be a reliable person to assist in any of this- such as having POA to help if you were to need that as it can not be your son in this position.

If you have significant assets - then consult an elder law attorney for how to place them into some kind of trust- or some arrangement so that your son doesn't get access to them- and appoint someone to manage that if the trust is to be used for his needs/care. After my father's passing, my BPD mother controlled all assets and didn't manage them carefully and so she is now in a more difficult financial situation.

PwBPD can vary in function but it appears that if your son is this affected at his age, and homeless, he is significantly affected and so could qualify for disability. While you aren't the one to get resources for him, you would have colleagues who can do this- help him to obtain SSI, Medicaid. Through these resources, he may be able to qualify for some kind of housing or group home. If he experiences health challenges in the future, he would then qualify for Medicaid nursing home placement. 

Keep in mind, you can lead him to these resources but it is still up to him to access them.

Your priority is you and your husband but I think if you do these steps- you will at least feel you have done what you can to help within your own boundaries. He's an adult and is responsible for his own choices.

For therapy- I think the issue is the line between helping and enabling and your own feelings. DBT is more for the person with BPD. Someone to help you avoid co-dependency and keep boundaries would be my suggestion as to what has helped me. I have done 12 steps ACA/CODA too.