About to leave?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi!

I'm really close to making a decision on moving out, I could do it right this minute. I feel ready. I'm just not sure if I'm calm enough today, or if this is too much of a reaction. I had been thinking of doing it next week but things are so intense.

My plan is;
Today (or "day 1" if not today)
1. Inform her that I'm moving out, and that I'm not coming home tonight
2. Contact the owner of an apartment for rent (I've found an interesting one online)
3. Try to arrange meeting my kids for 1-2 hours this evening. (If she doesn't cooperate, I'll just sit outside in the car for one hour and after that I'll leave.)
4. Go stay with my parents
(I have a set of clothes at my parents house and there's a bed ready for me)
Tomorrow (or "day 2")
1. Arrange picking up s8 for school
2. Go to work
3. Proceed with the steps needed to find a new home for me and the kids.
4. Arrange meeting the kids for 1-2 hours in the evening. (if she doesn't work with me, I'm telling her I'm contacting social services tomorrow (day 3))
Day 3
1. Arrange meeting the kids for more than 1-2 hours. Especially if its a weekend. (contacting social services if she doesn't cooperate)
2. Proceed with the steps needed to find a new home for me and the kids.


Other plans the first 3 days
1. Buy beds, kitchen table and chairs for the new home, order online if I haven't gotten the new apartment yet.
2. Buy new clothes - I happen to have a gift card that I have saved for this purpose.
3. Pick up important stuff from the apartment.
4. Send a message to s8 teacher that there's an ongoing separation in the family. Inform son and wife that I've done that.
What else?

Things that can go wrong
1. Wife threatens suicide - I'll tell her that if she's serious, I'm calling the police. I'm ready to do that.
2. That I get stuck in debating with her if I see her or if I answer her call.  - I can hang up, and/or leave the apartment (at least go out for a few minutes before proceeding with whatever I have to do, get the kids or get some stuff from the apartment.
3. I don't know about how she'll react - and how that reaction will make me feel.
4. Wife will tell me s8 can stay home sick the day after - how do I react?
What else?


PS. I've been consulting my T about the importance of legal assistance in my country, she says it's not important at this stage.

[15years]

Hi!

I'm really close to making a decision on moving out, I could do it right this minute. I feel ready. I'm just not sure if I'm calm enough today, or if this is too much of a reaction. I had been thinking of doing it next week but things are so intense.

My plan is;
Today (or "day 1" if not today)
1. Inform her that I'm moving out, and that I'm not coming home tonight
2. Contact the owner of an apartment for rent (I've found an interesting one online)
3. Try to arrange meeting my kids for 1-2 hours this evening. (If she doesn't cooperate, I'll just sit outside in the car for one hour and after that I'll leave.)
4. Go stay with my parents
(I have a set of clothes at my parents house and there's a bed ready for me)
Tomorrow (or "day 2")
1. Arrange picking up s8 for school
2. Go to work
3. Proceed with the steps needed to find a new home for me and the kids.
4. Arrange meeting the kids for 1-2 hours in the evening. (if she doesn't work with me, I'm telling her I'm contacting social services tomorrow (day 3))
Day 3
1. Arrange meeting the kids for more than 1-2 hours. Especially if its a weekend. (contacting social services if she doesn't cooperate)
2. Proceed with the steps needed to find a new home for me and the kids.


Other plans the first 3 days
1. Buy beds, kitchen table and chairs for the new home, order online if I haven't gotten the new apartment yet.
2. Buy new clothes - I happen to have a gift card that I have saved for this purpose.
3. Pick up important stuff from the apartment.
4. Send a message to s8 teacher that there's an ongoing separation in the family. Inform son and wife that I've done that.
What else?

Things that can go wrong
1. Wife threatens suicide - I'll tell her that if she's serious, I'm calling the police. I'm ready to do that.
2. That I get stuck in debating with her if I see her or if I answer her call.  - I can hang up, and/or leave the apartment (at least go out for a few minutes before proceeding with whatever I have to do, get the kids or get some stuff from the apartment.
3. I don't know about how she'll react - and how that reaction will make me feel.
4. Wife will tell me s8 can stay home sick the day after - how do I react?
What else?


PS. I've been consulting my T about the importance of legal assistance in my country, she says it's not important at this stage.

[15years]

Didn't do it yesterday and today I'm worn out from intense feelings and thought yesterday. On a positive note I have more time to plan now and yesterday was a good rehearsal, because I was serious about it and was almost ready to do it.


Any thoughts on my plan?

[phoenix blue]

I cannot offer any advice as I am in a similar boat myself.  But I feel your pain. It is f-ing hard.

[ForeverDad]

You've been pondering this for quite some time but this is the first I've heard you actually accepting that change is not just needed but will happen soon.

The first step or two will be the hardest but once you're on a new and better path it will be less difficult to continue following that new, better path.  Of course, there will be roadblocks and unexpected traps and pitfalls.  That's our life.

[15years]

Thank you FD for noticing that.

I've lost momentum on feeling able to leave but I'm sure I'll feel more ready again soon. Is it normal that it comes in waves like that? Like contractions during child birth if anyone get that comparison. The mother cannot try to push the child out between contractions, only at its peak. Could it be that it works like that leaving a rs too?

[Under The Bridge]

I think that, even subconsciously, there's the thought that 'What if I left just before something magical happened and she got better or at least accepted she had problems and wanted to sort them?'.  The 'what if i'd given it another month..' thoughts are very strong at this time.

I had such thoughts and hesitations, as you do, but after coldly looking at all of our 4-year relationship I could see that things were getting worse not better and her final off-the-charts blow-up caused me to finally end it. I have no doubt she would never have changed nor even accepted any responsibility for her actions.

If you do decide it's over then stick to it, that's all I can advise.

[livednlearned]

PS. I've been consulting my T about the importance of legal assistance in my country, she says it's not important at this stage.

If I remember correctly you're in Europe? It may be different where you live but in the US there is no wise path to leaving that doesn't involve legal counsel.

Something I learned the hard way was that my lawyer was not a good therapist and my therapist was not a lawyer. Talk to a lawyer about legal matters and let it be a lawyer who tells you that legal assistance is not important, not a therapist.

It's hard to comment on your plan without knowing what a legal expert in your community recommends.

[15years]

Yes, Northern Europe.

Thank you livednlearned for your concern.
I'm going to consider sending an email to a law firm, to ask their opinion on the matter.

This is from a local law-firms web page (translated);
"...Sometimes the parents may nevertheless have different views on what is best for the child or children - in such situations, the starting point of the law is that it is the child's needs and point of view that must be taken into account in the first place."

I'm quite adamant that I know what kind of actions would present me at the very least as a "good enough" parent in the eyes of the law/social services and in what way I'm putting the children's needs first. The fact that I've already taken steps to try to improve my parenting by receiving help from mental health professionals is a good thing. Reliability would also work in my favor, I know it's easy for me to follow instructions and I wouldn't miss appointments. I would also show consistency in caring for my children, before and after we have a custody schedule in order.

In the divorce stage, legal assistance can be needed to sort out the financial stuff.

In the leaving stage I worry more about my own emotions and other practical things that would help me go through with it. I'm especially worried about what I cannot anticipate emotionally. Like what will I do if I feel myself feeling unmotivated to continue the process. What will I do if she says I need to come home straight away, and stop with the nonsense... Things like that.

[Notwendy]

I am not a therapist or a lawyer, but some thoughts about your plan:

In the US - leaving the family home and children can be seen as "abandonment" of the family and that would work against you.

Your wife has a history of physical abuse. In DV situations, an "escape plan" does not involve telling the person ahead of time or leaving the children with them as the leaving becomes a risk for violence.

What do you do if she reacts, orders you to come home? Expect that she will, and have your support system available- your parents, your T- to help you stand up to that.

I agree with the advice to consult a lawyer first, before doing anything, and come up with a plan in accordance with the lawyer's advice. If you are serious about divorce, you will need a lawyer- so consulting one is the first step.

[15years]

I'm sure that leaving the family home wouldn't be seen as abandonment where I live.

You mean I shouldn't leave her without taking the kids with me because she has been violent? That would involve a lot more planning. I don't think she's a risk for them when I'm leaving, she'll be a better mom than ever, to prove that she's capable. The risk is I postpone the exit more if I need to involve them in the leaving stage, and by staying longer, they'll live in chaos longer, which is what is hurting them most.

She is usually much more functional when I'm out of the picture. During the summer holidays, only on two occasions did she go out with the kids when I was at work. First time was the first day of S8 summer holiday. Second time was the first day I was back at work after my holiday. Tells me she will be at her best behavior when I decide to leave.


If she simply tells me to come home I won't, but together with guilt and waif-behavior, I'm not sure how I'll react.
Tell her I'm picking up the kids?
Tell her I'm calling her parents?
Tell her I'm stopping by for 15 minutes at a specific time?
Call her bluff?


Involving lawyers before leaving really isn't common here, maybe for millionaires. The advice is to not do that, as it means taking a hostile position, which may harm the rs between the parents. In the eyes of the law, the children has a right to its parents, not the other way around. Child protective services are always involved to varying degrees in a divorce with kids. More problems - more involvement from the social services. I have asked more than one person, everyone says the same thing, that they don't recommend legal assistance as a precaution even if its a chaotic rs. Sorry I don't mean to sound arrogant if that's the case. I just want to focus on what's relevant for me.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you live in a more civilized country than the US when it comes to family court  

What a relief.

My sense given what you've shared here over the years is that your biggest hurdle will be finding the emotional and psychological conviction to follow through with your plan to leave.

You have to know yourself and then have a plan for that self so you know how to change old habits, processing information she has already shared with you: "Tells me she will be at her best behavior when I decide to leave."

[15years]

My sense given what you've shared here over the years is that your biggest hurdle will be finding the emotional and psychological conviction to follow through with your plan to leave.

Thank you, that's it, the conviction.

Strangely I feel so exhausted from last weeks intense thoughts that I find myself not planning at the moment. Also, some appointments and occasions in the calendar now three weeks in a row. Her mood also affects me. She was so intense last week and this week she is more relaxed.

[15years]

I have been preparing for leaving by packing a bag that I'm keeping at work. I wanted to add a towel, but W noticed it when I had placed it in my bag at home yesterday. I couldn't come up with a lie so I told her the truth, that it's in case I decide to move out.

She doesn't believe me, she says I'm doing it to punish her and that it's my intention for her to find out. Also she says this is what I've always done, do things behind her back. How do I  mentally protect myself from buying into these kinds of narratives? And just because she says I'm insane and abusive thinking of leaving, it sort of makes me feel unable to go through with it.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if you would find this feedback helpful or not- but reading your thread about planning to leave reminded me of the times my father would express his feelings about this. He rarely did this and mostly when we were adults. My BPD mother, on the other hand, threatened divorce frequently. Neither of them actually followed through with it.

As children, the idea of divorce was scary to us. As adults, we would not have blamed him if he did. If he expressed a wish to do it, and we became supportive of his idea- his reply would be surprisingly hostile and abrupt. He may have wanted to do it at times but when it came to actually doing it, he wouldn't.

You mentioned that  you are swayed by your wife's feelings and what she says about you- even if it isn't true, you second guess yourself. This is my BPD mother's power or pull on all of us. Dad, and us kids as we were raised to be focused on her feelings and walk on eggshells around her.

I perceived my BPD mother as the problem and my father as a victim of her behavior. It took some time, and also working on my own tendencies to be enabling to see that he had a part in the dynamics between them too, as he had a part in her emotional pull on him. Not to blame him- or you for that matter- but in some way, your wife has a lot of power over your feelings and this is something you would have to work on- because it's the only thing you can change. You can't change your wife or her thinking.

We don't post "run" messages on this board - or neither do we tell people to "stay" and the reasons for doing this are clear to me due to seeing this dynamic with my father- because, if he were to ever leave, he'd have to come to that conviction on his own- and it would involve working on his own part in the dynamics. Trying to step in when he himself wasn't ready led push back on his part. However, if you don't feel you can go through with it, talking about it with your spouse leads to drama and conflict.

IMHO, your wife has some distorted thinking- as does my BPD mother as well. Another similarity is that your relationship is abusive and my mother is verbally and emotionally abusive. Physical abuse was not as much of a component, possibly because she is very petite and that would be less effective. However, she talks frequently about her view of things, her opinion and even if it is distorted, it's difficult to not second guess oneself when listening to it. Also, her perspective is as a victim. She may be the one with the abusive behavior- but she perceives others as being the ones who are abusing her.

People who haven't observed this dynamic tend to think "why doesn't the person who is being abused just leave" but abusive relationships are complicated.  I'm not saying you can't leave or you won't leave- but to go from expressing the wish to do it to actually following through may take some more work with your therapist to be able to resist your wife's narratives.

[15years]

Thank you Notwendy I do agree with you, but I'd be happy to prove to myself that I can make it out. At the same time I think I'm destined to suffer in this relationship for the rest of my life.

I'm also concerned about my children. I was kind of an anxious kid and my parents didn't argue with each other, it strangely made me afraid of even the tiniest bit of arguing between them. But I felt safe at home. My kids hear extreme arguing all the time, and I'm starting to recognize that same anxiousness in S8 too. He likes being at home but it's not safe. But he might see it as safe because it's his home. At the same time, he really dislikes us arguing.

What makes it even worse is that I very easily get angry at typical kid-behavior. So on one hand I worry about the kids being anxious, and on the other hand I express anger that probably makes them more anxious.

I guess it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I do feel like that today. But I do feel more confident leaving than I've ever felt before. It just feels very alien to me at the same time. And this week and next week I have family related stuff in the calendar. No chance of leaving...

I told her in anger this weekend that I'm going to leave before October. That's my goal, but today I don't feel strong enough.

[ForeverDad]

She doesn't believe me, she says I'm doing it to punish her and that it's my intention for her to find out. Also she says this is what I've always done, do things behind her back. How do I  mentally protect myself from buying into these kinds of narratives? And just because she says I'm insane and abusive thinking of leaving, it sort of makes me feel unable to go through with it.

Reading this, I'm reminded of Stockholm syndrome where hostages sometimes develop a psychological bond with their captors.  While you don't quite experience this, your abuse and repeated criticism you've experienced over the years has weakened your sense of self trust to the point that you have little will power left to stand up for yourself.

[Notwendy]

Personally, I think it's best that you stop discussing leaving with your wife. If we say something and don't follow through, it makes your words meaningless. This is just going to increase drama and conflict.

FD made the suggestion of Stockholm syndrome and I thought the same thing about my father.

I'm not suggesting it's impossible for you to leave, but it is complicated. I am also not blaming you for any of this- you were very young when you entered into this relationship and didn't know what you know now.

I think your anxiety as a kid and fear of any arguing is something to explore with your T. It's good that your parents didn't argue the same way but no arguing isn't showing an example of conflict resolution either- so you had no role model for seeing that two people can have disagreements and work them out. Not saying your parents were disordered- we can't know that- but it's also not a "normal" to never have a disagreement. No two people will always agree on the same things.

The anxiety on your part over conflict may play a part in your fear of your wife's disagreements with you. Also, not knowing an emotionally healthy way of resolving conflict may play a part in your anger at the kids. Or it's possible you are so stressed that your tolerance is low.

[15years]

I just hung up the phone when she called me at work. She wouldn't accept that I won't stop following acquaintances on instagram that posts "lightly dressed" content. In this case it's about a former colleague of mine who sometime in the past has posted pictures of herself dressed up for partying etc, nothing out of the ordinary. She mostly posts pictures from family life. Also, I rarely check instagram.

To the point, hanging up the phone as a way to not buy into her beliefs is very effective. I wish that would work as smoothly irl. It's so easy to hang up.

I wonder what would happen to my brain if I wouldn't interact with her for 48 hours.

[Notwendy]

Do you recognize the pattern of "moving targets" of her emotions- when the actual issue is her emotions but the issues she brings up are external- projections?

You can address the "issue" and not do the action she's concerned about- not follow people on instagram, not watch certain movies, not speak to any woman she's concerned about- in an attempt to calm her concern. But does it work? Why not? Because the "problem" she claims isn't the actual issue- it's her emotions and distorted thinking.

My BPD mother also doesn't "converse"- but rather, she states her opinions and talks at you. After a while, it is difficult to not buy into that point of view- but her points of view can be distorted. It's hard to hear your own thoughts when she's talking at you.

What would happen if you didn't listen to your wife for 2 days? You'd probably hear your own thoughts. Then, it's possible that you'd have a challenge because if they aren't aligned with hers- then what?

That is the issue with my BPD mother. Two different views can't coexist well because her thinking is disordered. To coexist without conflict- means ignoring your own sense of reality and adopting hers. However every once in a while, your own sense of reality may conflict with hers, but there's a pull to go back to aligning with her.

I observed this with my father, who was a very logical man, and yet, my mother's needs and feelings were compelling to him. She can be persistent in what she wants and it is emotionally tiring to resist her requests. Easier to just give in. However, the peace of "giving in" is temporary as her emotions and thinking persist and so eventually there's another request.

Part of you knows this instagram request is absurd- as were the other ones- don't talk to women, don't watch certain movies- yet, your own opinion about this puts you in conflict with your wife's emotional request because, to her, this is absolutely real and she believes you are torturing her by looking at a woman's post on Instagram.

[15years]

Do you recognize the pattern of "moving targets" of her emotions- when the actual issue is her emotions but the issues she brings up are external- projections?

You can address the "issue" and not do the action she's concerned about- not follow people on instagram, not watch certain movies, not speak to any woman she's concerned about- in an attempt to calm her concern. But does it work? Why not? Because the "problem" she claims isn't the actual issue- it's her emotions and distorted thinking.

I do recognize it and by now there are a bunch of things that I haven't given up on. I didn't delete my music or movie library history and I haven't yet accepted her wish to have a third child. Plus this instagram issue has been ongoing for a two weeks now. It's easy to spot that if the request has permanent consequences it's easier for me to not give in. I can't undelete my music or movie history, I can't undo a pregnancy. But I can follow my colleague again at a later point if I were to give in now, that's what makes it hard to not give in. But I can try to not give in this time and see what happens.

It might not be healthy but I do like conflict more than no conflict. It's more authentic to be in conflict with her than to make her content by giving in. I hate the false companionship between us after having given up on my freedom.
On the other hand, sometimes I get so sick of the tireless complaining. Giving in at that time doesn't mean I wish for us to be friends again, just that I'm tired of the issue.

[Notwendy]

It is good that you are standing up for your boundaries. I think some conflict in every relationship is inevitable- no two people would agree all the time, but I also think how they deal with conflict is important- and how much there is.

[15years]

Kids where away for a few hours yesterday, made me think of how easy it would be to leave if it were only us grown ups. Is this some sort of mental barrier. Kids feelings change quickly, maybe it wouldn't be as dramatic as I imagine, me moving out. They would probably do what they always do, watch TV, play with lego etc... Only be a little confused why I'm not home and why I won't come home. But find themselves in that new reality pretty quickly.

Also, this is something I discussed with T, I want everything to be like normal. Normal is safe (even if it isn't). When it's normal I can squeeze in a moment here and there and do the things I enjoy. I somehow imagine I won't be able to do that for weeks if I leave.

T said something comforting. Wife, kids and me have to sleep, so things can't be intense all the time. Or something like that. That made me feel a sense of relief.

I want everything to be normal, safe, like I'm used to. I'm afraid to rob the kids of that sense of normalcy too by leaving. But maybe this is an unnecessary worry. A new normal will establish itself no matter what. It always does, and quicker than you'd imagine.

Does that sound logical? And share if you have personal experience of this.

[livednlearned]

It might not be healthy but I do like conflict more than no conflict.

I wonder if this is part of what makes it hard for you to leave.

[ForeverDad]

You're not leaving the kids.
You're not leaving the kids.
You're not leaving the kids.

If you depart the residence, you parents will split the parenting time.  The kids can be with you too!

The advantage of you timing the split is that you and your local supporters (lawyer, therapist, etc) can get your ducks in a row so you do have a decent amount of parenting time.  Many BPD mothers view children as extensions of themselves and will resist sharing the kids.  They view themselves as having all the authority, and deny you any authority.  Guess what?  Family court sets orders, not requests.  Family court is The Real Authority.  It ensures fathers get a decent amount of contact and parenting with the kids.

Since your spouse can really verbally crush your spirit, once you separate you can request that all communication goes through a court approved parenting app.

[15years]

I'm worried about the kids. Maybe I could save them from a lot of anxiety in the coming years if I'd leave now.

When they're grown up, what kind of thoughts about their childhood will they have if I stay. How would that change if I could go back to now and change the story, leave the marriage, give them a stable home, a stable father (hopefully). That's where I'm at right now, I don't need to invent a time machine to change the story.

Despite all this, I can't find the conviction right now. I felt it when I started this thread but now it feels like it's gone.

Thank you FD for noticing that.

I've lost momentum on feeling able to leave but I'm sure I'll feel more ready again soon. Is it normal that it comes in waves like that? Like contractions during child birth if anyone get that comparison. The mother cannot try to push the child out between contractions, only at its peak. Could it be that it works like that leaving a rs too?

Does it work like this? Next week would be a perfect time to exit, but I need the strength I felt  three weeks ago. The way I feel now makes an exit attempt sound naive.

[ForeverDad]

I'm worried about the kids. Maybe I could save them from a lot of anxiety in the coming years if I'd leave now.

When they're grown up, what kind of thoughts about their childhood will they have if I stay?

Re-read Notwendy's posts.  As a girl she wished her father would take her to a home where she would have some sanity and time away from her mother, even if it was only part of the time.

Don't expect the kids to speak up, though they may send signals.  If they're young, they may not even know the words or that they can approach you.  Or they may even assume the childhood they're experiencing is 'normal', after all, this life is all they've experienced.

Just do your best (planning & local lawyer & our time-tested strategies) and even if there are some glitches (plan to not feel too sabotaged but there will be some surprise gotchas) it ought to work out over time.

And expect your spouse to sense something's up, remember that she has spent her life manipulating, guilting and venting on others... and especially you.

I recall when my marriage failed... It wasn't my timing.  I too had seen the slow motion train wreck approaching and I was struggling on what to do.  I really wasn't prepared but then I called the police in one ragefest, almost got carted off, then I produced a recording of the incident and she was the one facing a Threat of DV case, and suddenly my marriage had imploded.  Then came the divorce and post-divorce parenting.  It was rough at first but gradually improved.  Now my then-preschooler is grown and the custody/parenting stress is all behind me.

[Notwendy]

My father was in an abusive relationship with my mentally ill mother, similar to yours. Yet, like you, he didn't feel he could leave- even though- like you- I think there were times he wanted to. There were many reasons, I am sure. When people hear about relationships like this and are unaware of the dynamics- they wonder- why doesn't the abused person just leave? But it's a lot more complicated than that. I don't fully understand it all myself, but I do know this- you are the other part of the dynamics and you need to figure out why it is so difficult for you to leave.

You may have an opportunity to leave next week- and likely there will be other opportunities too, but before you take action on any opportunity, you need to figure out why you don't maintain the resolve to leave.

The answer to why my father didn't change the situation for us kids is because, he couldn't bring himself to change it for himself. Was it the right thing to do or not? I don't know. He did what he felt was best at the time. It's not my place to judge his relationship. Nobody knows the whole of what goes on between any two people.

Your kids will have their own stories but the one you "create" starts with you. What is yours going to be?

[Notwendy]

And yes, as FD said- given the choice as a child, if my parents had divorced, I'd have rather stayed with my father. But this wasn't his choice. The dynamics between my parents were complicated. I can't know the road not taken. What I do know is that the dynamics were both of them and understanding your part in the situation may be the key to knowing how and what to change.

I somehow see similarities in your posts- which is why I respond. How is it that my logical thinking father somehow managed to be complacent with my mother's distorted thinking? How is it that he minimized her behavior- that would have been alarming to others if they had known about it?

The answer is with you- and with your T - to figure this out for yourself.

[15years]

Thank you 


She's making comments about how I need to decide now if I'll "follow her" or not. Follow her values, goals etc. She puts on a powerful facade, almost threatening.

She's also wants me to watch YouTube videos about "betrayal trauma" with her, where the Youtuber says that the betrayed partner need to set ultimatums on "the cheating partner". She's the betrayed partner of course. She wants to make it seem like it's in her power and not my to decide whether we have a future or not.

This somehow makes me feel more confident to leave but only for a while. So her mindset somehow affects my thoughts about leaving. Which makes me question if I ever really feel strong myself.

[ForeverDad]

Those YouTubers likely aren't real counselors, therapists or mental health experts, right?  And more to the point, who is interpreting which person is the betrayer and which person betrayed?  A neutral third party such as a counselor or therapist would be needed, not that she would follow through on listening to that option.  As my ex essentially proclaimed, "It's my way or the highway!"

Dr Joe Carver, retired, identified traits of controllers and abusers in his PDFs on his website.