Reaching out to others who share the suffering of living with adult child

[Standing Bear]

I am reaching out in exhaustion and loneliness living with a young adult daughter with BPD. She is in therapy and I am supporting her financially as her life is a mess and she also has learning disabilities and a number of other mental health diagnoses making it almost impossible for her to work much or keep employment. I work long hours in a care taking profession to support her and do not get time to rebuild my own life and find meaningful connections. My daughter is exactly like her father who I left 18 years ago now due to his BPD Jeckle and Hyde driven by alcoholism. I don’t have any support in my life to discuss the situation without overburdening others and fear that Inwill never be able to find that due to living with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[2much4me]

Welcome. I too have a young adult daughter with this disorder. She is not living with us after running off about 9 months ago in a BPD + drug-induced psychosis accusing her dad of molesting her all her life and me witnessing it and doing nothing.  An absolute fabrication and not one person (even her own friends) believed her.  So, now she's gotten another family (she just  met) to take her in as the poor abandoned victim that no one believes. The only thing worse than BPD? BPD + drugs.

My point is that we understand the devastation, constant disappointments, isolation and grief of loving a child with this disorder.  It seems to thrive and feed on using guilt to get what they want and who is going to feel more guilty than a mother who's child tells them "you failed to protect me" or "you are the source of all my pain"? I think she accused my husband to get him out of the way, isolate me, because he's not nearly as vulnerable to that kind of thing as me and I notice this is a common theme on the threads- Mom as both favorite person and target of abuse.

I will say that, for us, a therapist has been helpful to provide some clarity in the mess that this illness creates and Alanon has been helpful as well just to know that all kinds of parents and families raise kids who break their hearts and for tools that, hopefully, take me out of the role of being my daughter's hostage.  I hope you find some help and hope, some comfort knowing you are not alone.

[CC43]

Hi Standing Bear,

You've come to the right place.  On these boards you will read about many parents like yourself trying to cope with adult children with BPD.  It seems very common that there are co-existing conditions, from anxiety/depression to ADHD/OCD and alcohol/drug abuse.  Though the degree of behaviors are on a spectrum, I think that virtually all parents feel a mix of guilt, love, desperation, hope, mourning, loss and exhaustion at one point or another.  Living with someone with BPD can feel like emotional whiplash, often leaving you in pain and reeling, and at the same time questioning your every word.

I have a stepdaughter in her mid-20s who has been diagnosed with BPD.  It sounds like she is a bit higher functioning than your daughter, as she doesn't suffer from learning disabilities.  Even so, BPD severely "crippled" her for several years.  Her thinking was so negative and disordered that she couldn't function at a basic level.  She alienated absolutely everyone in her life, and she had to come home to live with her dad and me, even though she hated us at the time (she had exhausted all other alternatives).  Self-medication with illicit substances (marijuana in her case) made her much, much worse, brining on bouts of psychosis.  She attempted suicide four times, each attempt more serious than the last one.  I call this her "nuclear option" phase.  When she didn't get what she wanted, she would threaten or attempt suicide.  It was horrible.  At one point, my husband didn't want to take her to the hospital, because he knew she didn't like it, and he didn't want to see her hospitalized once again.  So you see the extent of desperation, impaired judgment and family disfunction, thinking that someone who just tried to commit suicide shouldn't go to the hospital and get treatment?  If your daughter threatens or attempts suicide, you need to call 911 or take her to the hospital so that she gets some treatment.  She might hate you for it, but she'd hate you more if you disregarded her threats, "invalidating" her.

I am happy to say that things have gotten better for my stepdaughter.  After she hit bottom, she started taking therapy seriously.  She had to hear it from doctors that marijuana made her worse, not better.  She became more compliant about taking medication to treat her moodiness, and the medications do seem to iron out her moods, according to her.  I also think she has slowly matured over time.  In a way, I think that having BPD is like having an emotional disability.  It's as if a grown woman is equipped with only a child's emotional skills, while she's facing adult-level stresses and responsibilities.  I think of her emotional age being only 70% of her calendar age, so when she was 21, she was barely 15 in her head.  At 25, she was barely functioning like an 18-year-old.  And at 30, she'll effectively be 21 . . . which might be why some experts say that in the 30s, BPD symptoms might appear to get better with treatment.  Having her dad as her chief ally was critical to getting her on the right track, and she has worked hard at it too.  It hasn't been easy, and there have been slip-ups and regressions, but we aren't fearing for her life all the time now.

I think you need to make sure that you are taking care of YOU, because your daughter needs you, and you can only help her if you are strong physically and emotionally.  It's like the safety instructions on the airplane:  be sure to put on your oxygen mask before you help others.  If that means you see a therapist or a support group like AA, then prioritize that.  You also need to take some breaks--you have a life too.  I find that taking walks in nature can help me feel calmer and more centered.  If your daughter has disabilities, does she qualify for assistance?  Special education/job training?  Residential programs?   Maybe getting her some financial or social assistance could help alleviate the burden on you a little bit.  I bet that if you look into some assistance, you might find other parents with similar circumstances, and maybe you wouldn't feel so alone.

Another burden you likely face is being the target of so much venom and hate.  I'd advise, don't take any of your daughter's accusations personally.  That's just BPD talking; she doesn't really mean it.  It's just that she knows you well, and she knows how to push your buttons!  If she lashes out at you, then you know she's dysregulated in that moment, and try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  When she's angry her brain is a mess of emotions, and she just can't process any arguments, even if you're trying to make her feel better.  The way I see it, when she has an "adult tantrum," she needs an "adult time-out".  By that I mean she needs time and space to cool off, before you can try to engage again.

I wish you a little peace and patience today.  Like your name, you might need to stand and bear it.  We know it's not easy.  When you're feeling like sharing more, please do.  A typical question is how to set boundaries, so that you create some peace and safety for yourself.

[Standing Bear]

Thank you both for sharing your personal stories. It makes me feel less alone on this difficult and lonely journey. I really appreciate your thoughtful words of understanding and support.

I will certainly seek out a therapist to find ways to creat more resilience so that I can stand and bear it and be there for my daughter in the healthiest and most helpful way possible.

We are in the process of seeking disability assistance, it has been difficult to get health professionals to see the need and help us in the process. I am hopeful that with some support I can manage my stress levels a little more effectively, as my health is suffering. Although part of me dreads the impulsive use of her own money management. Especially fearful of her being led to use drugs by friends who are of a similar ilk. I just pray as I know I cannot control her behaviour or choices, only try to be supportive in healthy ways. I definitely need help with boundaries and how to implement them on the roller coaster of chaos.

It has been a long road single parenting for 18 years, weathering all the emotional storms on my own and carrying all the burdens. Some days it feels like the burdens will never end and others I have some faint hope that I can create a somewhat fulfilling life for myself with caring connections.

Slowly learning to care more for myself, especially to let go of some of this burden internally and lean into grief more gently.

[CC43]

Hi Standing Bear,

Some things you might do to reclaim your life include setting boundaries in your home.  One boundary might be no illicit drugs or drug use on the premises.  So you call the cops if you find drugs, and you don't let your daughter or any of her friends in your house when high.  She's free to do what she likes outside the home, but not on the premises.  Fair enough?  Would that help you a little?

When living with my stepdaughter with BPD, one of the most disruptive aspects was her hours.  She'd sleep until 3 or 4 pm, wouldn't eat meals with the family and would be up all night.  She'd prepare food at 1 or 2 am, keeping me awake (I'm a light sleeper), and leave a mess for me to clean in the mornings.  I was exhausted by that routine, because like you, I had a demanding job.  My husband wouldn't enforce any rules in the house, so I had to bear it.  And it certainly didn't do my stepdaughter any favors.  She wasn't following a healthy routine, and she was NEETT for years (Not in Employment, Education, Training or Therapy).  When you're not doing anything and have no goals, what does that do to you mentally?  Who are you?  What do you do all day?  I'll tell you:  if you do nothing, you feel like nothing.  You have nothing to look forward to, you lose hope, and you ruminate how your life is pathetic in a million ways.  You consume social media all night and feel like a loser, because everyone else seems to be having fun without you.  You're stuck at home and become dependent on someone else.  You start to RESENT being dependent on someone else.  And then you rage at the caretaker.  And you might do drugs to escape the drudgery.  Sound familiar?

Anyway, I'd say it's important for everyone to have some sort of routine, and avoid being NEETT.  Maybe you make that one of your boundaries:  everyone in the household has to follow some sort of routine.  Maybe it's chores, maybe it's consistent waking hours, maybe people aren't allowed in the house from 9 to 5 on weekdays, because they should be working, studying, training or in therapy.  If it were up to me, I'd say that wi-fi gets turned off at 11 pm, to discourage phone use when people are supposed to be sleeping.  If it were up to me, I'd insist that everyone pay for their own luxuries, including phones.  That way, your daughter would have to work at least a little bit to earn her phone.  Maybe she could do chores around the house, or maybe she could walk a neighbor's dog or mow a lawn.  Maybe she could pack bags at a grocery on a weekend, or run errands for an elderly neighbor.  If she doesn't want to do that, that's her choice, but then she doesn't get her own phone.