If BPD is hereditary, how is it not my fault

[Just2Much]

Hello Group! I just joined a few hours ago and I already feel relieved about some of my feelings of sadness, anger, aggravation, loss, depression, etc. My 20 yr old daughter has been recently diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. She was originally diagnosed with bipolar, but it has since been changed to BOD which is definitely makes sense.

I’ve been through a long day with her and I’m exhausted. I’ve been exhausted for years, but the last two have really taken it out of me. Like most, it’s all my fault! Some days I can ignore the accusations, and some times really sting. What’s really gotten to me lately is that I keep reading how BPD is hereditary. I mean, my daughter tells me I’m psycho, I’m bipolar, I’m way beyond needing therapy….on and on, but I keep thinking about the hereditary thing. Yes, when I was younger I went through a depressive phase, but once I met my now husband I was a changed woman. It is just weighing on me.


Thanks to you all in advance for your support! To the group I never hoped I needed but glad I found!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Just2Much and a warm

Receiving an actual diagnosis can mean a lot of different things. Some families feel relief -- there is a real reason for everything going on that makes sense. Some pwBPD (persons with BPD) also feel relief; some accept the diagnosis; some reject the diagnosis. There's a big range for sure. It sounds like you personally feel some "aha!", like finally things make sense? Does your D20 accept the diagnosis, or deny it, or...?

Now that she's diagnosed, is there a path forward for treatment/therapy?

And is she living at home right now?

...

Your "nature vs nurture" question comes up frequently. We do have a thread on What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder? that may be helpful; one part that stood out to me was here:

Wanted to add this recent information to the discussion:

Possible Genetic Causes Of Borderline Personality Disorder Identified

ScienceDaily (Dec. 20, 2008) — According to the National Institute of Mental Health, borderline personality disorder (BPD) is more common than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder and is estimated to affect 2 percent of the population. In a new study, a University of Missouri researcher and Dutch team of research collaborators found that genetic material on chromosome nine was linked to BPD features, a disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image and behavior, and can lead to suicidal behavior, substance abuse and failed relationships.

“The results of this study hopefully will bring researchers closer to determining the genetic causes of BPD and may have important implications for treatment programs in the future,” said Timothy Trull, professor of psychology in the MU College of Arts and Science. “Localizing and identifying the genes that influence the development of BPD will not only be important for scientific purposes, but will also have clinical implications.”

In an ongoing study of the health and lifestyles of families with twins in the Netherlands, Trull and colleagues examined 711 pairs of siblings and 561 parents to identify the location of genetic traits that influences the manifestation of BPD. The researchers conducted a genetic linkage analysis of the families and identified chromosomal regions that could contain genes that influence the development of BPD. Trull found the strongest evidence for a genetic influence on BPD features on chromosome nine.

In a previous study, Trull and research colleagues examined data from 5,496 twins in the Netherlands, Belgium and Australia to assess the extent of genetic influence on the manifestation of BPD features. The research team found that 42 percent of variation in BPD features was attributable to genetic influences and 58 percent was attributable to environmental influences, and this was consistent across the three countries. In addition, Trull and colleagues found that there was no significant difference in heritability rates between men and women, and that young adults displayed more BPD features then older adults.

“We were able to provide precise estimates of the genetic influence on BPD features, test for differences between the sexes, and determine if our estimates were consistent across three different countries,” Trull said. “Our results suggest that genetic factors play a major role in individual differences of borderline personality disorder features in Western society.”

Journal references:

   1. Distel et al. Chromosome 9: linkage for borderline personality disorder features. Psychiatric Genetics, 2008; 18 (6): 302 DOI: 10.1097/YPG.0b013e3283118468

   2. Distel et al. Heritability of borderline personality disorder features is similar across three countries. Psychological Medicine, 2008; 38 (9): DOI: 10.1017/S0033291707002024

At the time of that study (in the early 2000s), the thinking was that it was a ~42/58 split between genetic (nature) and environmental (nurture) contributors to BPD. But like another poster said in that thread, it isn't one of those conditions where you can say "A plus B equals BPD".

Current thinking remains similar -- about a half and half contribution from genetics and environment, per McLean Hospital's FAQ's:

What Causes BPD?
For a long time, says Choi-Kain, we thought that BPD was an environmentally caused disorder. It was believed that relationships in a person’s early childhood really shaped the likelihood that someone would develop BPD.

Lately, research has shown that more of the disorder comes from genetics—that there is about half of the risk of BPD that is derived from having a biological basis.

We can find a balanced approach to our thinking about the causes of BPD -- it's not "I had nothing to do with it, it's not my fault" and it's not "if only I'd done X instead of Y, all of this could've been avoided". Parents don't purposefully intend to cause BPD in their children, though sometimes parents can parent in ways that can increase the chances of an already-sensitive child developing challenges. Not all children in the same family have the same sensitivities, which is why some parents find themselves saying "I parented all 5 kids the same so why does only my youngest say I was a demon?"

An important thing to remember is that parents do the best they can with the information they have at the time. Being able to balance that yes, if you could go back, you would do some things differently, and not everything was under your control, may help in moving forward and focusing on present-day problemsolving.

Lots to think about... looking forward to hearing more from you, whenever works for you --

kells76

[Notwendy]

The inheritance patterns vary. It's not like passing down brown hair color to your child with brown hair.

I know of parents who don't have a mental illness and didn't do anything "wrong" and have a child with BPD or other mental illness.

It's not your fault but even if it was from your genetics- we don't control our genes so even then, it's not your fault. You have no control over what genes were in your egg that she came from.

Even if your D blames you, it's not your fault.

[CC43]

Hi Too Much,

That's a tricky question, whether nature or nurture "caused" BPD.  In life, it's often the case that a combination of factors are at play, including chance.  If BPD were caused mainly by nature (being coded in the genes), I'd think that there would be some sort of medication that could work, as it would have a biological basis.  But BPD to me seems more like a set of behaviors, and a social construct.  Biology might have some pull--like a generally negative outlook, or hormones that wreak havoc on emotional energy--but most of it seems to be learned in my humble opinion.

I'll ask the question:  if you knew the cause of BPD, would that make any difference in your situation?  Or are you asking the question because your daughter is constantly blaming you?   Maybe she's saying:  "It's your FAULT my life is terrible.  Why did you even have me, knowing that I'd end up this way?  You caused this mess, and you have to PAY.  No, you have to FIX it.  No, you have to FIX it and PAY me for all the grief you've caused me.  It's hopeless, I can't continue on like this."  If she's using this line of argument, she's pressing your buttons, because in a way, it's working splendidly for her.  If she rages and throws fits, and if you give into her demands, giving her concessions out of guilt and fear, anything to get her to stop, then what's happening is that you are rewarding her for blaming you.  Given that feedback loop, the most likely outcome is she'll continue this behavior.  She might even amp it up, becoming more demanding and more entitled, always a victim and perpetually blaming others, especially you.  She might go nuclear and threaten to kill herself, unless you give her what she wants.  She might fabricate stories to portray herself as a helpless victim.  You just can't see straight because you're stuck in a FOG--acting out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  Perhaps mothers operate in a FOG more than anyone else, because they love their daughters so much.  Maybe they love their daughters too much.  Does that make sense?  I don't mean to be harsh, I'm actually painting a picture of what transpired in my own household.

Why does BPD seem to be worst in young adulthood?  The way I see it, a few factors are at play.  First, young adults are generally still dependent on their parents.  They keep pressing the parents' buttons to get what they want.  And parents end up over-functioning for their young adult children, because they don't want them to suffer, or get in trouble, or continue to put up such a fuss, or hurt themselves.  Similarly, young adults seem so helpless and clueless.  Parents tend to step in and rescue them, because that's what they've always done; they are afraid to allow their kidults to learn from consequences, because the consequences seem too harsh, especially for someone dealing with BPD.  Moreover, young adults are facing adult-level challenges--maybe higher education, jobs, intimate relationships, etc.--but they are equipped only with the emotional skills of a child.  They might have been granted adult-level privileges (a car, money, freedom to stay out all night) in accordance with their chronological age, but just don't have the common sense and decision-making skills they need to stay safe and be responsible for themselves.   They seem like they can pull things together for a while, and so we have hopes and expectations that they can function like adults.  But then, under a little stress, they seem to flounder and self-destruct.  And the cycle of blaming, rescuing and enablement continues.

[CC43]

P.S.

If you hear accusations from your daughter that you're psycho, or narcissistic, or demanding, or selfish, that's probably just projection.  In other words, she's describing what is on her mind at that moment and attributing those thoughts and feelings to you.  In a way, when she accuses you, you can see what's really bothering her.  At least that's what I experienced with my diagnosed stepdaughter.  A huge tip-off was how she accused absolutely everyone of treating her like a child.  For example, once she described someone who offered her a bottle of water as being "condescending" and trying to "baby" her.  Well that was merely how she perceived herself--as a child, inferior, incompetent.  Indeed, she was extremely preoccupied with not hitting adult milestones--graduating, holding a job, having a boyfriend--and she felt like she was being left behind by her peers.  That preoccupation colored her perception of ordinary interactions; everything in life she saw through that distorted lens of feeling childish.  Those feelings emerged as projections.

[livednlearned]

I’ve been through a long day with her and I’m exhausted.

Is D20 living at home with you?

What's your relationship with her like at the moment, and is she accepting her dx?

I think of BPD as a sensitive genotype. A puff of wind one way and maybe it doesn't switch on, or there are traits that can be managed. Another puff in a different direction and things can go sideways into full-blown BPD.

What do you say to D20 when she says negative things to you? Maybe we can swap thoughts on how to make those moments less bad.