Finally had an overnight stay, away from my uhwBPD.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Recently, I was able to tell my uhwBPD that I was planning an overnight visit with a dear friend, who lives quite a distance away from us.  Surprisingly, I got ZERO push back. I think it’s because at the suggestion of my friends, I made the getaway more about visiting my old friend  than getting out of the house, and  getting away from him.

Even though I only went away for a day, I was able to think, and gain some clarity, without him hovering over me  all the time. I also enjoyed the company of my friend, and I vented some of my frustrations to her.

 At the end of the brief vacation , I realized I’m only at the beginning of gathering my thoughts, and figuring out how to handle everything my H has thrown at me..  I’ve kinda been in shock for nearly a year, after one of his worst outbursts in May, 2023.  It was the first time I’d seen him behave in such a bizarre way, and I was traumatized.  Fortunately, soon after that outburst,  I found this website and reread Stop Walking on Eggshells. I got some tools and wonderful support, and I’ve been a lot better at dealing with him, day-to-day. But this little break helped me see…I’m not quite ready to make any major decisions about moving, or throwing him out.   

I now see that I only have total peace when I’m not around him, yet I haven’t figured out how and if I can survive, on a fixed income, without financial contributions  from him. And I already know he’s not open to it.  At the same time, I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this.  Still, as much as I fantasize about a perfect, peaceful life without him, realistically ,  I’m not sure how I’d fare being single,  in my mid-seventies. I sometimes need physical support.  . In spite of all of his awful behaviors, he’s a big help in many areas, and we share a love for music - we record and have regular jam sessions. Sometimes we get lost in music all day.  During these moments, we’re good together.  On the other hand,  being away from him showed me he’s almost always negative, dark, complaining, and full of criticisms. 

Well, I can see why I’m in this group.  But whether I’ve made sense here or not,  the short vacation from him did give me more clarity. But I’m still sorting things out.

Not sure where to go from here.

Lastly, here’s some good news — He’s going for a brain MRI today. This is because I vented to a doctor we both see, and the doctor somehow talked him into the MRI, without ever referencing mental illness.  Instead, he referred to a TMI (mini stroke) my H had 10 years ago. The doctor thinks dementia may be partially responsible for some of his behaviors.

We’ll see.

Again, I’m not sure where to go from here.

[JazzSinger]

Recently, I was able to tell my uhwBPD that I was planning an overnight visit with a dear friend, who lives quite a distance away from us.  Surprisingly, I got ZERO push back. I think it’s because at the suggestion of my friends, I made the getaway more about visiting my old friend  than getting out of the house, and  getting away from him.

Even though I only went away for a day, I was able to think, and gain some clarity, without him hovering over me  all the time. I also enjoyed the company of my friend, and I vented some of my frustrations to her.

 At the end of the brief vacation , I realized I’m only at the beginning of gathering my thoughts, and figuring out how to handle everything my H has thrown at me..  I’ve kinda been in shock for nearly a year, after one of his worst outbursts in May, 2023.  It was the first time I’d seen him behave in such a bizarre way, and I was traumatized.  Fortunately, soon after that outburst,  I found this website and reread Stop Walking on Eggshells. I got some tools and wonderful support, and I’ve been a lot better at dealing with him, day-to-day. But this little break helped me see…I’m not quite ready to make any major decisions about moving, or throwing him out.   

I now see that I only have total peace when I’m not around him, yet I haven’t figured out how and if I can survive, on a fixed income, without financial contributions  from him. And I already know he’s not open to it.  At the same time, I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this.  Still, as much as I fantasize about a perfect, peaceful life without him, realistically ,  I’m not sure how I’d fare being single,  in my mid-seventies. I sometimes need physical support.  . In spite of all of his awful behaviors, he’s a big help in many areas, and we share a love for music - we record and have regular jam sessions. Sometimes we get lost in music all day.  During these moments, we’re good together.  On the other hand,  being away from him showed me he’s almost always negative, dark, complaining, and full of criticisms. 

Well, I can see why I’m in this group.  But whether I’ve made sense here or not,  the short vacation from him did give me more clarity. But I’m still sorting things out.

Not sure where to go from here.

Lastly, here’s some good news — He’s going for a brain MRI today. This is because I vented to a doctor we both see, and the doctor somehow talked him into the MRI, without ever referencing mental illness.  Instead, he referred to a TMI (mini stroke) my H had 10 years ago. The doctor thinks dementia may be partially responsible for some of his behaviors.

We’ll see.

Again, I’m not sure where to go from here.

[GaGrl]

I'm so glad you were able to get that break! And the MRI is good news. From what you've shared, I think you have to eliminate neurological/medical issues.

I'm in my early 70s, and I know my decision-making is based on different criteria than it was just five years ago when I retired.

[jaded7]

I think this is progress. You managed to get away for a day, and during that day you got some real clarity and were able to
think without the pressure of him around you. That is an important step and realization.

So now you're seeing the big picture, maybe a little differently. That's a sign that the clear thinking was useful. That's really
good information to have. No answers yet, but evidence of good clear thinking is good in the mess of these relationships.

Also, it's a great thing he's going to get the MRI, that is a step toward him taking some ownership of the dynamics there.
It's just a first step, but positive.

[JazzSinger]

I'm so glad you were able to get that break! And the MRI is good news. From what you've shared, I think you have to eliminate neurological/medical issues.

I'm in my early 70s, and I know my decision-making is based on different criteria than it was just five years ago when I retired.

Thanks so much, GaGrl.

I’ve been retired almost 9 years now. My decision-making is definitely based on different criteria now.  I’m a different person. 

The MRI was definitely great news, when I discovered my doctor had pulled it off.  Now let’s see what it will tell us.  The doctor is thinking dementia, since an older MRI (10 years ago, after a mini stroke), showed white spots. 

We should know more in a couple of days.

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

I think this is progress. You managed to get away for a day, and during that day you got some real clarity and were able to
think without the pressure of him around you. That is an important step and realization.

So now you're seeing the big picture, maybe a little differently. That's a sign that the clear thinking was useful. That's really
good information to have. No answers yet, but evidence of good clear thinking is good in the mess of these relationships.

Also, it's a great thing he's going to get the MRI, that is a step toward him taking some ownership of the dynamics there.
It's just a first step, but positive.

Thanks jaded7,

It’s definitely progress.  I’m seeing much clearer now.  And I see I’ll be needing a longer break, at least two days, in the future.  Because ONE day away helped a lot.

Truth be told, the doctor’s order for a brain MRI comes as a  result of my venting to him, about my anxiety (and concerns), dealing with my H’s behavior.  (We both have the same doctor.) He somehow talked my H into it, saying he wanted to  have a look at  his post-stroke brain.  My husband has NEVER shared anything about his behavior with a single doctor. I DID IT — because he was driving me crazy. 

The doctor thinks dementia is part of the problem, and he thinks he’ll see signs of it on the MRI.  I believe it’s dementia too, in addition to BPD. 

I’ve got my hands full, but progress is being made, and I’ll have more answers soon. 

Thanks again.

[GaGrl]

My husband and I have the same internist, and she is excellent. I think that is important.