Help With Boundary Setting for Young BPD Daughter Back at Home

[nymama]

Hi all -
My 18 yo BPD daughter is back at home after leaving school (and attending residential treatment) last spring. While she's attending a virtual IOP and doing therapy, she is refusing family therapy and otherwise not really doing well.

My question is - what are some reasonable boundaries/ rules we can set for her this fall when she's home?  Right now she has two modes - in bed, miserable / on her phone or at work (and work is really only about 2x week). That's it. She's not practicing or working on skills to recover or doing anything else really other than isolating in her room (which happens to be a garbage dump).

She lost car privileges for a month because she was caught driving 119 mph in a 65 zone and we are considering giving privileges back but with conditions. Of course she's blaming her spiral on not being able to leave the house because she doesn't have the car.

Help! (And thank you).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi NY Mama,

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  I was there too, with a stepdaughter who dropped out of college four(!) times and landed at home.  I'll paint you a picture of what transpired over six or so years, and I'll tell you how it ended, so you can get some ideas and perspective.  My diagnosed stepdaughter's home life was miserable, and she made us miserable right along with her.  Basically she slept until 3 or 4 PM, stayed up all night and spent 23 hours per day lying in her bed or in front of the basement TV.  Her waking hours were spent in front of screens.  She used marijuana daily.  Her room was a mess, and she made a messes around the house (especially the kitchen after midnight), but she did not contribute to the household one bit.  She barely showered, and her looks matched her mood.  She often wouldn't even flush the toilet.  She was moody, passive-aggressive, angry and raging.  She lost every last one of her friends.  She blamed her family and friends for all her own poor choices.  She was NEETT for a few years (Not in Employment, Education, Training or Therapy).  She could pull herself together if she wanted something (like go to a concert), but otherwise she was a mess.  She spiraled downward and would threaten or attempt suicide when she didn't get what she wanted.  She did try a couple of times to get a job, but invariably she'd quit in two or three days--basically as soon as she was required to work solo after going through training.  She tried college a bunch of times too, but she'd withdraw as soon as there was significant homework or a test.

My husband wanted to help her, and he tried by getting her into therapy, allowing her to enroll in school, etc., but nothing seemed to work at first.  He had a really hard time enforcing any boundaries, because he feared for her life.  You see, when she didn't get what she wanted, she'd threaten suicide.  And this situation continued far too long in my opinion.  What eventually turned things around was my stepdaughter hitting bottom after a fourth serious suicide attempt.  That time, the doctors told her, since none of the previous treatments seemed to do any good, and she didn't want more residential therapy, she had exhausted all of her treatment options, and the only alternative would be involuntary commitment.  I think that scared some sense into her, and into my husband as well.  At that point, I told my husband that his chief responsibility was to ensure that his daughter did whatever the doctors told her to do.  You see, until then, my stepdaughter would make poor decisions about her life, which is logical because she wasn't in her right mind.  Of course she didn't really WANT to do more therapy.  But now she had no other acceptable choice.  And her dad's job was to ensure she stuck with it. The notion of following an expert doctor's orders--a treatment program, medications, etc.--seemed to click for both of them.  I guess that when she hit bottom, she was finally willing to try anything to start to feel better.  And she has been doing much better now.  It hasn't been perfect, but we're not constantly fearing for her life anymore.

Anyway, I think it's important for you to set boundaries.  I'd start with boundaries that ensure that YOU have a household that you can live in.  Remember, you can't force your daughter to want to get therapy, and you can't control her moods.  But you can refuse to endure abuse in your own home.  And if you are supporting her financially, then you have every right to determine how her money is spent.  I think that removing car privileges was the perfect consequence for her speeding.  I hope she had to pay for the ticket, too.  You're right on track with the boundaries and consequences.  Of course she'll push back and blame you for her state--that's just BPD (or immaturity) talking!

My case was different, because I'm not my stepdaughter's mother, and my husband wanted to be the only person to enforce rules with his daughter in our household.  Nevertheless, I'd say that there should be some basic rules that apply to everyone in the house:

-Treat everyone (and everyone's property) with respect.  Physical violence, breaking things, sabotage and stealing are not allowed.
-Everyone contributes to caring for the household, through chores and/or rent/mortgage payments.
-No illicit drugs allowed on the premises.
-No visitors allowed overnight unless they are the homeowner's guest.
-Adults are responsible for paying for their own personal luxuries like cell phones, entertainment or pet care.
-Adults must be engaged ("employed") a minimum amount of time each week in Employment, Education, Training, Volunteering and/or Therapy.  There is no long-term "unemployment" or "vacation" permitted.  If it were up to me, I'd say that everyone has to be engaged the equivalent of 40 hours per week, because that's the typical schedule of both school and work.
-Safety trumps privacy.  Members of the family deserve privacy unless there is suspected harm, theft or drug use, etc.

By the way, I think that some version of these rules are requirements in most places, even shelters.

If it were up to me, I would consider turning off the Internet each night to prevent unhealthy nocturnal binging on social media, as that was a huge problem for my stepdaughter in my opinion.  Not only did it disrupt her sleep, but it feed into her negativity, as she felt like she was missing out.  And she was, because she spent years rotting in bed.  By the same token, I'd make her pay for her own phone, because that way, she'd have to work at least a little bit to earn the privilege. 

The thing is that with rules, they have to be enforced.  You need to consider what you will do when a rule is broken.  With BPD, I assure you, rules will be broken.  But if you cave, then you've lost.  For example, if someone is violent or uses drugs, you have to be prepared to call the cops or throw them out out of the house.  And if people don't work, then you can't give them any extra money.  And if bad behavior spirals, you have to be prepared to kick them out of the house.  I hope it doesn't come to that.

But my main advice to you is, if you can't stand your current living situation, then you have to change it.  If you don't change it, it will surely continue, and probably get worse.

The upshot is, your daughter is still only 18.  She's young enough that her (bad) habits aren't fully ingrained yet.  She can turn things around without ruining her life.  If she gripes about not having a car, what's preventing her from walking, riding a bike, taking public transportation, getting an Uber or finding a car pool?  If she were an adult, she'd have to figure it out for herself. 

[livednlearned]

what are some reasonable boundaries/ rules we can set for her this fall when she's home?  Right now she has two modes - in bed, miserable / on her phone or at work (and work is really only about 2x week). That's it. She's not practicing or working on skills to recover or doing anything else really other than isolating in her room (which happens to be a garbage dump).

Boundaries need to be 1) for you; and 2) ones you can control.

We often think of boundaries as rules but rules don't often work and can sometimes be counter-productive.

She lost car privileges for a month because she was caught driving 119 mph in a 65 zone and we are considering giving privileges back but with conditions. Of course she's blaming her spiral on not being able to leave the house because she doesn't have the car.

This sounds like 2 boundaries. One is that she loses car privileges when there is evidence she drives recklessly. The other is that you want her to not spend all of her time at home.

A lot of times with boundaries it comes down to what you are willing to tolerate and/or assert.

Are you and your partner on the same page about giving your daughter back her car privileges? Would the two of you be willing to put a monitoring device on the car to track her driving habits? And if so, and if the second boundary is equally important (meaning, you want her to leave the house) would you be willing to come up with limitations on her car access (versus taking it away completely)?

For example, if you get notice she was speeding more than 5 miles over the limit, she loses privileges for driving after ______ pm.

You know your D18 best. Will she drive recklessly again? If you think so, have a clear plan in place for when that happens and make sure it's something you can follow through with in a calm and matter-of-fact way. Expect it to happen and think through all the ways she will deny your narrative.

Something that took me years to figure out is how to build a validating environment without being a doormat. I found it easier to validate than I did to set firm boundaries.

When you consistently set compassionate, loving boundaries you may see a shift in D18.

With SD26 I earned begrudging respect. She pushes hard on every boundary I have and for a while regularly tested me. I truly believe she thinks that people with weak boundaries are suckers. To me it was a sign of love that I let her do x, but to her I was an idiot.

If you don't think you and your partner can assert a boundary, take more time to figure out why. If asserting boundaries brings up difficult emotions, it might help to see a couples counselor or individual T until you can process what's going on.

If you feel ready to have boundaries, start with something small and have a plan for how you'll have a unified front. Or, if you're like me and your partner is more enabling, figure out what if any boundaries you can assert there, in that relationship. The boundaries don't have to be verbal -- some of the most effective ones are non-verbal.

This may not apply to your situation but I would want to know if D18 understands what was going on when she was speeding. Does she have the capacity to break that down? Do you have the kind of relationship where she would even answer the question?

[CC43]

Hi Live and Learn,

I think you make some excellent points!  Regarding the driving, I know parents who pay for their adult children's phones, and because they pay for them, they install an app that tracks their child's whereabouts as well as their driving speeds.  The app sends an alert to a parent's phone when speed limits are broken.  One parent tells me, she takes great comfort in knowing where her adult children are, and she rarely intervenes, unless there is evidence of reckless driving (or if her kid is switching off the phone during suspicious times).  She is a firm but fair lady, so I'm confident that if she thinks her child is driving recklessly, there will be consequences.  Maybe they lose car privileges for a week.  I'm not sure of her rules, but it certainly works for her family.

However, if you are asking, "Do you think your kid knew what was going on when she was speeding?" meaning that she didn't have her full mental faculties when she was driving at 119 miles per hour, then I'd say, she's clearly a threat to herself or others.  Driving at that speed would be grounds for jail time in my state.  I think you were wise to revoke driving privileges for a time, as it is a direct consequence of reckless driving.  If your kid is whining incessantly about not having access to a car, I'm willing to bet it's because her whining has been effective in the past.  If you cave and resume her privileges early, she'll learn that whining or throwing a fit or acting petulant gets her what she wants.  For the duration of her revoked car privileges, she can find alternative transportation. 

[livednlearned]

If she's driving 119 in a 65 mph because of the thrill, that's different than a friend was encouraging her to go fast. Or she was driving that fast because she was late for something. Or she didn't realize it because she was angry and wasn't paying attention to how hard she was pressing on the gas. Was she emotionally dysregulated? Maybe she can articulate that. 

I mean, quite possibly she doesn't know, and maybe it doesn't matter, but sometimes showing curiosity about why someone does x or y can be validating. "I've been pulled over before for speeding, D18. It was humiliating. I was coming back from an ex BF's house and was so emotional I wasn't paying attention to the speed limit. Any thoughts on what was going on for you?"

If it's "I hate you, give me back the car" then no harm no foul. You're back to where you started.

We come here in different stages of relationships with our kids/stepkids and different levels of trust. With some, the relationship is in tatters and getting level answers isn't possible.

It might not be applicable in your situation, NY Mama. My SD26 was in a dysreg recently and attributed her behavior to hormones, dehydration, sore muscles, lack of sleep, coming off a med, something her sister said, something sister's BF said, something I thought, how the whole family perceived her. A real kitchen sink.

Sometimes just asking the question can make them realize that it does matter, being able to understand cause and effect and finding words to describe that.