Where do you find help?

[AlwaysAnxious]

Last night I failed to maintain my night boundary because of her begging and threats.

When my 26 year old daughter who live alone, texted me in a panic and needed a quick drive, I went to help. I clearly stated only 30 minutes.

It turned out to be 2.5 hours of psychological abuse.  She told me how horrible I am in every way and with every adjective you can imagine. Accused me of not caring, of lying, of never being there for her - ironic at 2:30 in the morning.

She insists on "a drive" and instead, I parked (one of my boundaries to avoid her leaving the car and wandering in the dark), she got out of the car and walked, barefoot, down into a darkened, gravel road.  One that I can't reach by car without driving around to get there.  She would call me and mumble into the phone about being lost and alone, not able to see because it's so dark and that her feet hurt - but wouldn't share her location (because she says she doesn't trust me) or tell me "clues" to where she is.

When I found her, we were close to a highway. She wouldn't get in the car and began to talk out loud to herself for 15+ minutes about how she could end it all by running into traffic. I threatened to call the police and she threatened to run onto the highway.  That is a race she would have won and so, I got into the car (confident I could run and tackle if needed) and eventually she came into the car. Of course, the abuse began again.

I took advise from my therapist and one of the responses from my first post when I first got home, to tell her I was turning my phone off and I said goodnight.  Before I could physically turn if off, (remembering it was 2:40 am at this time) and as I wrote this out last night, she phoned me 11 times and texted once (to tell me my promise of being there for her was clearly a lie).  I didn't answer. Hardest thing I've ever done.  She didn't call my husband or my other child for help.  Clearly, it was only meant for me.

How do I convince her she needs help? When I say anything, she hops right into the same as I described above....calls me a victim, etc.  When I say I'm going to call 911 or the Mobile Crisis Line, she threatens more.  How do I show her the damage she is doing. She doesn't care about my health (mental or physical - both of which are being affected) so showing her that isn't going to work. She doesn't think the problem is with her. She sees a therapist (social worker) who, I don't think, knows the entire situation. No, I can't reach out to her (I don't know who it is). 

This has to stop but I don't know how. I truly wouldn't let anyone else talk to me like this....  treat me like this and today, I know I'm in for another bad night based on her plans. 

Sorry for the long post...I just don't know what to do and today, grieving the death of my uncle 2 days ago, and having gone through last night...  I'm so lost.

I simply do not know where to get help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Anxious,

Clearly this is a very trying and worrying situation.  Your daughter isn't playing fair, by threatening suicide.  Maybe what she wants is your undivided attention all day and night.  But clearly you can't be up late every night taking her abuse and listening to her threats.

When I read your story, you said that you threatened to call 911 or the crisis line.  Yet you didn't.  Why didn't you?  Look, if your daughter is saying she's hopeless, and she wants to end it all by running into the street, then you need to call 911.  She's not in her right mind.  I think you record her on your phone when she makes the threats and then directly dial 911.  You might need some evidence of her threats, lest she lie and try to blame YOU for the incident, as tends to happen with BPD.  (Or she'll try to talk her way out of going.)  I'm wondering if you can record her words using the phone recorder without her knowing?  Anyway, if you call 911, a few of things will happen:

*she'll see that her suicidal threats have consequences
*she'll be taken to a hospital and get some treatment
*she'll be validated, because you believed her when she said she was in pain and wanted to die
*you'll hopefully prevent her from actually harming herself
*threatening suicide is a cry for help, and she'll get some

Maybe eventually, she'll learn that she can't make threats on her life and expect you to do nothing about it.  But it might take more than one hospital trip.  And she might "hate" you for a time, because most people don't like to be in a hospital.  But getting her some help is what she needs, right?  And maybe while she's at the hospital, you can get a little breathing room.  You'll probably still be anxious, because nobody enjoys having a family member in the hospital.  But maybe you'll rest just a little easier because you know she's being monitored for the time being.

It sounds like she acts this way mainly (or only) with you.  Why?  Because you have a hard time enforcing boundaries.  Of course you do, because you really do care for her, and fear for her life, and don't want to see her get hurt.  I lived through the exact same situation in my household.  I called it the "nuclear" phase.  My stepdaughter upped the ante by threatening suicide whenever she didn't get what she wanted.  And my husband would cave into her demands, because he didn't want to see her hurt herself.  Or she'd spiral and actually attempt suicide by swallowing pills.  Shortly after a fourth suicide attempt, my husband was so distraught when he found his daughter throwing up, that he called me while on my way home from work and asked me to PRETEND like she hadn't just swallowed an entire bottle of pills.  My husband didn't want to see his precious daughter get checked back into the hospital, and she clearly didn't want to go either.  I had to step in and say, honey, you're not thinking straight, she has to go to the hospital right now, she just tried to take her life.  She is not well.  She needs some help immediately, no matter what she says.  And so he took her.  I really think that the stress of the situation and the desire to protect her got in the way of exercising good judgment.  In the end, taking her to the hospital was absolutely the right thing to do, because it got her on the path to getting the treatment she really needed.  And maybe it knocked some sense into my husband, realizing that his daughter really wasn't well, and she needed professional help, because nothing he was doing seemed to be working.

In the meantime, I think you tell your daughter that you're exhausted and won't be driving around with her any later than 10:30 PM (or whatever cutoff time you want).  You are going to bed, turning off the lights AND silencing your phone at 11 PM, no matter what.  You could tell her, if there's really an emergency, then she can call the crisis hotline any time, day or night.  But your phone goes off at 11 PM and stays off until the morning.  If it were up to me, I would suggest that you DO NOT answer ANY personal calls during working hours.  All calls go to voicemail first (or texts), and you get to determine what qualifies as an emergency.  An added benefit is that you have recorded correspondence, in case you need some proof later on.  If she doesn't leave any messages, then treat her calls just like spam--you ignore them.  And maybe you respond to your personal voicemails and texts during your morning or afternoon break, like many people do, including me.  You can start this new routine RIGHT NOW.  All you have to do is follow it.  Maybe you tell your daughter what your new routine is, or maybe not.  If you don't tell her, she'll figure it out quickly enough!  You are not abandoning her at all, you are just having some healthy boundaries so that you can work effectively and get some much needed sleep.  You're being an efficient and responsible employee, because you are busy and need to focus on your work during working hours. And you're focusing on your health!  Your daughter is an adult, not a newborn baby requiring attention 24/7.  If she really is that bad, then she needs to be in a hospital.

So I really want you to get into bed at a reasonable hour tonight, turn off your lights and turn off your phone.  If you have trouble sleeping, practice deep breathing and repeat to yourself, "Don't think," or whatever is your mantra or calming word(s).  Even if you don't fall asleep right away, you are relaxing your body and getting some rest.  And Monday, do not take any personal calls during the working day.  Only respond to important messages left on voicemail or by text during your break.  And if you have calls without messages, great!  The calls weren't important.  If something is important, they will call back and leave a message.

By the way, if your daughter throws a fit when you set these boundaries, do not be surprised.  This is called an extinction burst.  She acts out because in the past, it always worked for her.  She'll act out until she finally learns that you will be unphased by her demands and antics.  Or you'll dial 911 if she is a danger to herself.  It's up to her what she does.  But if you give in, she'll continue to keep you up late at night, for as long as you let her.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Thank you SO much. I always feel so empowered when reading the response someone has taken the time to offer. Now to put it in practice. That's the tough part.  I think perhaps it's especially tough because she doesn't realize anything is wrong with her...it's always everyone else.

A couple of things you asked that I wanted to answer:

I didn't call 911 because we were literally running distance from the highway and I knew if I raised my phone, she'd run.  She also always tells me if I call the authorities (EMS, Police, crisis line, etc.) that she will ensure they believe she is fine - and then she'll set out to do what she intended and make sure I know it's my fault.  I can't record her because she watches for it. She's very paranoid of everything when she's dysregulated. 

She does act like this mostly with me. My youngest also gets some of it.  She does get nasty with my husband, but mostly in a rude, disrespectful way as opposed to a dysregulation way.  We've all learned to just keep calm and avoid the fight.

Thank you also for sharing your families story. It really does help to know I'm not out of my mind and that I'm not alone.  I've been doing this by myself for 2 years now and I'm beginning to show signs of abuse (I'm told) so it's time for me to try and take control of my own health.

I did tell her tonight that my phone would be turned off when I go to bed and that if she needs help, she can call her dad. If he doesn't answer, she'll have to figure out a solution.

I hope it all works out for the night but I'm already holding back a panic attack.

[Sancho]

Hi AlwaysAnxious
Reading your post reminded me of someone I knew who used to drive around at night - with young daughter in the car. This person didn't have BPD, but became very anxious in the evenings, and driving around, the motion helped it seemed.

You are really cornered in your situation - and so isolated. You must be exhausted. You are the target of blame for all your dd feels bad about; you are put into an impossible situation (come and drive or I will . . .); you are sworn to secrecy on the same basis - so this intense situation must be just between the two of you, you can't unload and get support from others.

I am so glad you are here, because we all understand this complex, awful condition and how it looks on a day to day (or night to night in your case) basis.

I can only share what I have found helpful. First of all I found some natural, herbal type things that really did lessen my anxiety (I was at a point where I felt as though I would fall apart - literally - with anxiety).

The other thing was that I went on a journey of self examination - based on the poem 'Letting Go'.

There are many statements in the poem and I used to focus on one at a time and repeat it over and over again.

'Letting go means to fear less and to love more'.

I realised that I felt completely responsible for my dd's problems, actions - and the possible consequences of her actions. I had to let go of this responsibility in my own heart and mind. This was no easy thing for me as I am a 'fixit' personality, and feel responsible for everything.

I knew I was making progress when dd walked past me with a rope in her hand one day, muttering that she was going to take her life - and I stayed at my computer. I had come to a point where I knew I could not be responsible for making sure dd was safe every minute of every day. I had faced the possibility of losing her and come to terms with it.

Your dd has you in a position which is untenable in the long term and you have probably done all you can do to try to get her to get some help. If so, then you have done all that you can do. Your dd is wanting your total focus to unload her pain and anxiety, and things can't move forward in this situation. The boundaries you put up are a weaning process that can hopefully allow you to have some sort of independent life, and hopefully allow your dd to take some steps towards emotional independence.

But first i think - once again just from my own experience - we have to help ourselves to 'let go'.

Thinking of you tonight.

[js friend]

Hi AlwaysAnxious,

Just  a thought.....If you think it is not possible to record your dd using your phone how about having a dashcam fitted to your car? You can have them fitted to both the front and rear facing and some can even record while you are parked and so will capture when your dd is making her threats.

My udd would often wonder about late at night saying she was lost and could I come and pick her up but would never make threats on her own life. I remember how exhusting it would be going to pick her up so late at night after I had been at work all day and all I wanted to do was rewind at home and  it was becoming more and more regular. I would pick her up and she would become defiant and refuse to speak or tell me where she had been and sometimes even fall asleep in the back seat! I did it until I reached the point where I decided no more and if udd had put herself out there so she could also find her own way home. It was a tough decision to make but I had to break the cycle and come to the realisation that whatever happened out there was on her. She never talked about doing herself harm which much so difficult for you but I think you do need to follow through and call the police when she makes these threats and you will have all the proof you need from a dashcam.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Thank you all for your kindness and ideas.

I love the poem and will be using it as a mantra over the next while I think.

I also have an uninstalled Dashcam that I think I'll have to install very soon.  Great idea!