Last night I called the Police.

[AlwaysAnxious]

I am so thankful for the advise I've been receiving here and I'm truly trying to apply it all.

Last night, my daughter (undiagnosed BPD, 26 years old, does not live with me), threatened suicide again.

I called the Police but after talking with me for an hour, and reading through her texts, he said there wasn't enough blatant intent for him to do anything that would be worthwhile. He told me she sounds like a spoiled brat and that I should just "parent" her like she was a 4 year old again.  *sigh* 

Thank goodness for my amazing neighbor and my sister who stayed on text with me until 1:30 in the morning until we resolved that there was nothing more I could do.

So, today, she is with me again. We are fine though, in context, just better than last night, and I'm no further ahead. 

I feel defeated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Anxious,

I'm sorry you feel so desperate and that your daughter is threatening suicide.  That must make you incredibly scared.  It's comforting to know that you have some support in the form of understanding friends and neighbors.

In my humble opinion, I think it's a good thing that you called the police.  You made a boundary--if you hear suicide threats, you're going to believe them, and you're going to call the police--and you stuck to it.  And your daughter is still alive.  Maybe the better news is yet to come; maybe she'll think twice about threatening suicide again, because she's seen your concern is serious.  If she wants to test your boundary, maybe she'll threaten suicide once again.  If she does that, I'd say that you go ahead and call the police again.  You can try to preserve evidence (texts, a voice recording, a video) if possible, with the hope that it's enough to get her to the hospital and get some treatment.  I think the key words might be, she's a threat to herself (or others).  Imagine how you would feel if you didn't call the police and she went ahead and tried to kill herself?  You would regret not doing everything in your power to get her help.  Maybe if she's vague about her threats, you could ask, "Are you thinking about suicide now?  What is bothering you most?"  If you try not to be judgmental or threatening, and focus on listening, she might give you more insight into her current state. If she's mentioning a weapon or a method and has the means in that moment, I'd say she's a credible threat to herself.  I imagine you've seen how BPD behavior can turn on a dime.

It could be disheartening to hear from the police that she's just acting like a "brat," and that somehow you are to blame for that.  Indeed, some BPD behaviors seem to be brat-like--meltdowns/tantrums, petulance, self-centeredness, demandingness--but I don't believe it's because of bad parenting.  It's ironic that your love and concern is being construed as criticism and/or blame.  And maybe that's one of the reasons why BPD is so complex and difficult to treat, because the associated behaviors are human and natural--it's just that they lie on the extreme of the spectrum, enough to disrupt her life, as well as yours.  At any rate, the police don't know the whole story, and you couldn't possibly explain all of your concerns in a few minutes.

It's also important to keep in mind that because BPD is hard to treat, there are no quick fixes.  DBT can work, but it would take commitment from your daughter.  Medications might help co-existing conditions like anxiety or depression, and that also requires commitment from your daughter.

In the meantime, you are focusing on establishing boundaries to help YOU to cope.  She needs you, and you need to be healthy and emotionally stable in order to help her.  That's why you're setting some boundaries about getting proper sleep, ensuring your workday isn't emotionally hijacked by your daughter, and calling the police when you hear threats of suicide.  You also might think about getting additional therapy for you and your family members if possible.  Having a united front and strengthened support system can help.  A really great step forward would be for you to be able to talk with your daughter's therapist, because the therapist might have insights and tips, and you could work as a team to help your daughter.

I know I don't have a full picture of your situation, but I have had multiple encounters with suicide ideation, threats and attempts by loved ones.  And I can say that getting urgent treatment at the hospital was critical, even if it made her angry in the moment.  And every conversation about it was extremely unsettling, it was hard to think straight at the time.  It's natural to feel defeated, I just hope you don't give up, for both you and your daughter.  Neither of you should give up hope.  Every day is a NEW DAY.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi.

Thank you for the words of experience.
Unfortunately, the police didn't go there.  They coached me on how to properly address it because they said they didn't have enough to go on. They said it would be worse if they did a check than if I just went over.

[Sancho]

Hi AlwaysAnxious
Hi AlwaysAnxious
You must be exhausted - it is a huge thing to take the step to involve others, and change the way you have been dealing with a situation. I think you are certainly furtr a conhead than you were before you made the decision to call the police., ,
;
I am so glad you were supported through the process.

I am also impressed with the response of the police. Whoever it was sounds quite experienced and spent time looking at what your daughter was saying. Perhaps this wasn’t the moment to take the step of them going there.

But you have taken a huge step and it might mean that you are more confident in taking further steps – however small – to construct those boundaries you need for your own health and wellbeing.

These steps make a difference. We often can’t see it at the time, but if you can keep making them you will look back in 12 months’ time and be able to see just how far you have come.

Well done

[Josie C]

Hi Always Anxious,
Your name says it all, doesn’t it?  I hear you when you say you feel defeated.

My dd(29, lives alone) has threatened suicide regularly for the last three months.  Usually with a “well, I should just kill myself then” response, as she has been dealing with a major set back. When I’ve called our local Mental Health Crisis Hotline, they simply took her name and called her directly.  She tells them she’s fine and they leave it at that.  Then she’s angry at us for calling. And nothing changes.

But this past week, the threats have had a calmer tone, one that’s actually more frightening.  Instead of anger and rage, it seems more like she’s giving up. 

I’ve been told by her therapist and my own that unless I think she is actively attempting to harm herself, it’s better for her to stay out of the hospital. But how do we know when a threat becomes a reality?

So today I wrote a letter to her therapist (who does not have permission to speak with me) describing my fear, her continuing emotional dysreg, suicidal ideation, and my desire to get her some intensive treatment.

And I’ve been reading the “Letting Go” poem as well. Letting go is HARD.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi Josie

Seems like we're living similar existences.  My daughter has just recently told me she feels her body dying and she doesn't even care anymore.  It's so hard to hear those words.

I wish I knew how to help her learn to help herself.  I am not allowed to reach out to her therapist and if I do, and she finds out, she would consider it a betrayal. 

I wish my daughter knew there were options and was willing to try some of them.