Looking for tips and advice with helping daughter with BPD deal with a situation

[3chords]

Hello this is my first post and I am afraid it may be a bit long but here goes.
My 27 year old daughter has quite recently been diagnosed with BPD, it is something that until about a year ago we had never heard of but I think our daughter was probably showing signs from a very early age. She did have other physical health problems that impacted her education and we thought this was the reason why she struggled to keep friends at school. After attending 3 different schools in 4 years eventually she dropped out without any qualifications.
At 18 she was pregnant with her first child, her partner already had a house he was renovating and when the baby came she lived with us until the house was ready and then she moved in with him and the baby. On the face of it everything looked ok and 2 years later she was pregnant again with their second child and they were making plans to get married. There were some almighty arguments between them at times and she had short spells moving back with us but then she would return to her partner.
Eventually they split up altogether and she and her 2 beautiful children moved in with us. She was raging constantly, with us and her bewildered teenage brother being the subjects of her rage. Her ex partner was contributing financially but completely washed his hands with her in every other way and when I tried to get information from him I found his attitude frustrating.
The violent rages we had to endure were frightening, the children would cower behind clothes rails and behind furniture crying although I must stress they have never been the subject of her rage they just got frightened by seeing it. Her younger brother was the main subject of her anger, he was a typical teenager, just out of high school and she just couldn’t tolerate him, or us. The house was a bit overcrowded and we couldn’t avoid each other and her frequent rages would go on through the night until the early hours. She would throw things around the house, throw knives and physically attack her brother. Eventually we asked her to get in touch with the local authorities about emergency housing for her and her children because we genuinely thought that someone would be seriously hurt or worse if she stayed in our house. We had calls from the housing department asking if we would take them back but we thought we were doing the right thing and they would find her a home, which they did shortly afterwards although it’s not in a nice area it is close to us and we are a big part of her life.
Now, almost 5 years on she is still in her flat with her 2 beautiful children trying to get a house, we have always had the children stay with us when she asks, we have them all over for meals a few times a week, we have taken them in holidays with us and look after her dogs and cats when she asks but in her eyes we took her brothers side and threw her and her children out. Before her BPD diagnosis we thought her rage was a way of punishing us but now I think our home might be a trigger.
Anyway, this is where I need advice, her brother has now got his girlfriend pregnant and they have nowhere to live until they save enough money for a deposit so they will probably need to live with us. This is causing deep pain and rage from our BP daughter who has been to our house shouting and accusing us all of things, she has said some awful things about everyone including the unborn baby and she’s been self harming. She knows some very unsavoury characters and threatened to get her brother killed by someone so when he started receiving threatening texts from an anonymous number he reported it to the police and our daughter was arrested and held over night. We have since found out she has burner phones and she was sending the texts.
We have had spells where we have calmed her down recently and continue to have her children and pets stay when she asks us, my wife still does her house work and shopping for her as she can’t get motivated to do it but as soon as she thinks of her brother and his girlfriend living with us she rages and says we threw her and her children out but we are taking them in. She also accuses her brother of beating her when as far as we have seen he’s just tried to restrain her and defend himself.
We obviously want to help our son but we also don’t want to make our daughter suffer and we want to know the best way to do this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You're in a really tough situation, not only with a low-functioning BPD daughter but grandchildren in the mix.  It sounds like you're cool-headed, but the situation must be very distressing for you.  Unfortunately, it's not that uncommon on these boards.

I think you can start by enforcing a no-violence boundary.  It sounds like you called the cops on some occasions, but on others you let violence happen in your house.  I think that absolutely has to stop, lest someone get hurt, and it sends a terrible message to the grandkids.  It might take several run-ins with police to have the message sink in.

I also think it's typical for the BPD daughter to "project" violence onto her brother.  This happened more than once in my family (but not in my household).  She would accuse her brother of violence, when what really happened is that he defended himself from her attacks, or he didn't strike her at all--maybe he tapped her shoulder to get her attention, or barely brushed her as he passed her in a narrow hallway.  She wouldn't ever acknowledge that she instigated the violence, or that she distorted the facts to fit her narrative.  So my advice is to be aware of lying and serious fact-distortion when it comes to BPD.  I don't think it really matters whether she's "unaware" she's lying (because she's having a bout of stress-induced psychosis), or if she's lying to avoid responsibility, or if she's lying to paint herself as a victim.  Either way, the fact distortion doesn't help the situation, because it could enable further violence.

Anyway, the assistance you give to your son could be viewed as "abandonment" by your daughter, in the sense that she's not the center of attention all the time, which is very triggering for someone with BPD.  She'll let you know it, claiming you are not being "fair" or attentive enough to HER more important needs.  She could also be jealous of her brother, merely because he seems "normal" or functional, whereas she struggles with everything.  She probably has very low self-esteem.  And yes, she will re-interpret history to make herself out to be a victim.  Even if she left your household willingly, you will have thrown her out, in her opinion.  If she disobeys rules (no violence), and you throw her out, it's not because she is facing the consequences of her behavior, but because you're narcissistic, vengeful, hateful, rude, unfair, unreasonable, sadistic, etc., which happens to describe her, not you (i.e. projection).  Does this sound familiar?  I think that is a thinking pattern that is very typical of BPD.

It's almost impossible to avoid all triggers for your daughter.  This phenomenon is sometimes called "walking on eggshells" on these boards, describing the constant attempts to avoid any actions or words that might set your daughter off.  While "placating" her might help you temporarily, by avoiding a meltdown, I think it's futile in the long term, because so many things can trigger her.

Also, if you are NOT helping your other child(ren) just because you are placating your daughter, I think you might run the risk of resentment from them.  That is a dynamic I'm sensitive to in my family.  Though "help" might come in different forms, I think it's important to keep overall fairness in mind.

Maybe in your case, rather than having your son and partner live in your house, you could help out with first and last month's rent?  Would that achieve the goal of providing some help to your son while maintaining some normalcy in your household?

You are very kind in supporting your children and grandchildren so much.  I hope you can find some boundaries to protect yourselves from long-term harm.  And there are others on these boards who are skilled at finding ways to protect the grandchildren as much as possible.  I'm sure if you read the boards more in depth, you'll come across some really good advice.  There might be points where you need to call Child Protective Services or the equivalent in your area.

[3chords]

Thanks for the reply. You do seem to have a fair idea about what has been happening and it amazes me when I read what others have gone through and how similar it is to what we have experienced. Do you think that some BPD sufferers do things to fit into the symptoms sometimes? I ask this because our daughter seems to have worsened since her diagnosis, especially the lack of motivation, although she has spells where she is smoking weed and I’m sure this affects her motivation.
We do really appreciate your advice and I think we will be using it soon because we appear to be stuck in the middle of a battlefield at the moment. Once again thanks for the response.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Indeed BPD is on a spectrum, but the behaviors are eerily similar in many cases.

My diagnosed stepdaughter, who is now in her mid-20s, self-medicated with marijuana. It made her dysfunction and paranoia much, much worse. If I were you, I’d make another boundary of no marijuana in your household. It doesn’t help that marijuana is now legal in some states and widely available. It’s still illegal at a federal level in the US. A person suffering from disordered thinking does NOT improve her thinking with marijuana. If she is anxious, there are much better medications and treatments for that. It sends a terrible message to your grandkids to allow pot in your home.

[3chords]

We would never allow that in our house, we live in the UK where weed is illegal but using it is becoming more and more common and unfortunately accessible. She smokes weed in her own flat and I suspect from the smell that most of her neighbours do too. I think she has spells when she smokes and spells when she doesn’t and her BPD and laziness is worse when she is smoking it but how do we tackle it without triggering? Even though it is her own home it is us who are picking up the slack when she doesn’t have any motivation.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Alas, low motivation seems to be a consequence of pot use.  You say that you are picking up the slack for your daughter.  If you do that, then she probably doesn't feel the direct consequences of her behaviors.  When she smokes, she doesn't feel like doing anything, and she neglects her responsibilities.  Maybe she's not getting up in the morning, getting her kids breakfast, cleaning her flat, or attending to other daily tasks.  Are you stepping in to compensate?  If you do, then she will likely never learn, and she will never change.  That could be deemed enablement.

I know that things get really tricky when grandchildren are involved.  I don't really have answers for that.  Maybe you could feed the grandchildren at your house, or let them (the grandchildren) stay with you?

Is your daughter employed?  How does she afford marijuana?  If you are supporting her financially, is there a way to ensure she doesn't use any of the money you give her for pot?  Maybe you pay for things like rent directly, and have groceries delivered directly to her, but you don't give her any cash that she could spend on pot.  At the very least, she should have to work to generate cash for drugs.

All I can say is that my stepdaughter with BPD had to hit bottom, twice, before she recognized that she needed to get help.  And my husband probably prolonged the time that she went untreated, through enablement.  Now that she's gotten treatment and taken it seriously, she's turning things around.  I have hope for her, because she's young enough that she didn't derail her entire life with self-destructive drug use, laziness and hopelessness.  But, there weren't babies complicating the situation in her case, so maybe we had it relatively easy.