I feel so confused and conflicted….

[SoooConfused]

I have never felt so confused and conflicted in my life. I recently have become aware that my 33 year old daughter has all of the symptoms of BPD with definite elements of NPD.

 I have become aware that, although I thought we were very close, she lies compulsively. I have sought psychological and psychiatric advice. It’s a long and complex story. But, I took the advice of these professionals to set boundaries and, I guess, rules of engagement. She is my only child. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m confused about her mental state and her thinking.

She created a total mess of her personal life and our family life and then has walked away from our relationship and created a new reality with a new set of people. I guess I’m confused by this sudden withdrawal and I’m conflicted because of all the lies, manipulations, and misinformation. All of this has lead me to question everything she has ever done or said.

I  feel embarrassed because of my naïveté and because of all the harm she has done. I’m angry because I now see how she has manipulated me throughout her life. But, I still love my daughter who now seems to have disappeared. Do other people feel this way?? I feel paralyzed. I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward. I have provided her with info on this disorder from trusted sources so that she will perhaps seek help. However, she appears to take no personal responsibility for any of her actions. She is the victim….always.

I have a natural fear of someone who lies so convincingly and without conscience. I no longer know what to think or do. I find it so hard to communicate with her. The grief I feel for what is gone and the fear I feel regarding her is unbearable. I have tried to approach this as I have been advised. Yo not take her behaviors personally. But, that is almost impossible since she means them personally. Does anyone out there have any advice on how to cope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hello confused,

I understand how you feel, because a similar thing happened to me with my only child. She graduated from college and was engaged to her boyfriend she lived with and was no longer financially dependent on me. She seemed happy and I chose to work overseas for 2-3 years for civil service with the AF. I wrote her emails, sent her gifts and postcards from my European travels and thought things were ok.

But, shortly after I got back, she told me that she was blocking me from her phone and the computer at age 27. I had no idea why, and never imagined a mental issue, after a couple of years of trying to figure out what could cause such a dis-joining. I finally came to the conclusion that it was not due to anything I had ever done and decided that she was experiencing problems from the things that happened to her when she went away to college (some pretty devastating things happened to her).

It has now been over 11 years! I spend a lot of time alone (my husband died when she was eleven), and whenever I’m alone at home I pray and cry out to God on most days questioning if I will ever even hear from her again.
I don’t know what your beliefs are, but God has given me peace in my soul. All I can say is to focus on other things as much as possible and when you start to feel like crying, ask God to Fill you with His Peace.
He sees, understands, and cares deeply about what you’re going through, believe me, I know.

Do not stop doing things and start up more hobbies, and volunteering to help with meaningful things can help.

Take care, chin up, hugs!

OurWorld

[SoooConfused]

Thank you so much for reaching out with your personal story. My daughter lived with us until she was 27. This was for many reasons. She attended college actually entering at age 16 but I withdrew her when she began enrolling in classes then withdrawing repeatedly. Then our family relocated from coast to coast due to an illness and death in my husband’s family. Although, now looking back on it, I see many warning signs in her past, at the time I thought they were just normal teenage rebellion or experimentation.

Once she left home, things became more complicated. We have now discovered she was a compulsive liar, created a relationship with a 67 year old at 27, and developed all the traits of BPD. Unfortunately, I was unaware that there was anything wrong because when they speak about masking she was superb. To the point that it was almost like multiple personalities. She behaved like my best friend. And, then lied to my face on a daily basis.

This all came apart for her then this elderly man broke off their relationship. She fell apart. Accused him of abuse. And, ran back to us with a sordid tale. We actually packed her up and moved out of State.

Still, after the initial trauma , she appeared normal again until I realized she had never stopped lying. Began dangerous impulsive behavior (drink and driving and drinking to great excess) Began another covert relationship with a man 20 years her senior and began acting out against us.

I had no idea she had any mental problems until this point. She moved out two months ago and turned her back on us unless she wants something from us.

I am heartbroken. I came to believe she is psychotic. I feel all alone. This is so confusing because the range of emotions I feel it astounding.

[LonelyOnly77]

It's hard when the mask comes off, so I empathize. When things like this happens it feels like the family you once had with her was a lie. I know that's how I felt when my possibly BPD afflicted youngest sister suddenly stopped speaking to me this year after she'd already cut off our father and eldest sister.

The only consolation I can give is this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and her mental issues. I know from the years of closeness I had with my sister that a lot of her behavior comes from a place of profound pain and self-hatred. She can't deal with it, so she lashes out at those who care for her the most and over-values people who are awful to her and cause her heartache. After several unsuccessful relationships (both platonic and romantic) she's pretty much given up on people and has chosen to self-isolate. Her only companion is her 12-year-old son who I think is even aware that something isn't right, as he spends all his free time with our father.  (The fact that she hates our dad, but still lets her kid spend copious amounts of time with him is "interesting." It's like on some level she knows we're not bad people, but she's gone all "black" in her mentality on us, so we're all "bad.")

Grappling with the lying is probably the hardest part because you don't know what to believe. Was anything ever real? The thing is, your feelings were genuine and real. The love you have is real. You'll just never know if your daughter's intentions were the same. On some messed up level, she probably does care for you, but the illness has the tendency to make sufferers see people as either all good or all bad. And any flaw, real or imagined, can trigger them going no-contact. It's not logical. It's not healthy. But this is their choice and they're adults and there's nothing you can do about it but get off the rollercoaster and hope one day they'll see the light, understanding that with this particular illness, it is unlikely they will.

I'm still mourning losing my sister while she's still living. It hasn't been easy. But we haven't spoken since May and it's now September and with each passing week, it's gotten a little easier to accept. Time won't heal this kind of wound, but it will make it easier to manage. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the love between a parent and child can be intense and strong, so to have that cut off might feel like losing a limb. But just remember, it's not about you. She's chosen the lie over confronting her issues, and that's her choice.

[SoooConfused]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

When my daughter chose to leave rather than stay in the second floor apartment of our new home…. which she help us select for that purpose, I still had no idea how mentally ill she was or any idea what was wrong. However, I was very aware of the chaos and fear I felt. Once we relocated to our new State, it was like she couldn’t take our happiness. She began acting out constantly like a teenager. We have always been very understanding accepting parents. We had forgiven her for the lies she told us for seven years. I felt that now that we lived in a very small town, she just needed her space and would normalize after she settled in. I will admit after her immediate departure I didn’t respond to her every text because I was hurt by her behaviors and especially the treatment of her father.


However, I have come to realize she only approaches me when she wants something. I feel at this point for my own sanity I need to step away. This rollercoaster ride is causing me far too much stress. I’m in my 60’s. At this rate, it will kill me. I’m not being hyperbolic. I feel guilty that I’m making this about myself. I have provided her with all sorts of information given to me by the three psychologists and psychiatrist I consulted. Found her a local psychologist who preforms evaluations. She chose to go to a couples therapist recommended by a new friend of three months.


I feel like my heart is breaking. I’d hope she would improve. But if she doesn’t seek appropriate treatment, she may never improve. I really have been totally unable to not take her behaviors personally after 33 years of daily contact. I didn’t even know anything about personality disorders. I know I need to just come to terms with her new reality and move on with my life, but I have also come to realize that is a lot easier said than done.

Thank you again for allowing me to vent my feelings. I’m very sorry for your loss too. It is like they died and in a way they did. The person we thought we knew is gone.

[KitKat68]

Hi SC,

I also have a 33yo daughter wBPD and can relate to your post very much. She and I have been estranged for a few years now and she spent the time before lying to me and has since been lying about me to anyone who will listen. This is not the first time we’ve been estranged but it was the first and only time I was the one to walk away from her. My daughter went through a separation and divorce from her first husband (she’s remarried already to someone we don’t know but he used to be married to one of her good friends, now former friend) and that’s when everything blew up after years of relative calm. Definitely not calm but less chaotic than her life is most the time.

It’s a long story but my daughter managed to steal from my mom, use my husband and I for money, get another dui, and almost lost primary custody of her children. It’s become evident she’s been lying to everyone her entire life and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d go outside to check. She also alienated her siblings but I think my DIL has recently decided she feels sorry for my daughter, as my daughter is good at playing the victim until her mask slips and she forgets to keep up the act. My daughter always ends up “burning” anyone who gives her a chance and I hope my DIL doesn’t find out the hard way why the rest of keep our distance.

What I have found works for me is therapy and once I was ready, moving on with my life without her in it. While I realize my daughter is mentally unwell, she also knows there is help which she refuses to get. I absolutely do not trust my daughter to tell the truth or do the right thing. She only does what she feels in the moment and none of it’s good, especially now.

Like you mentioned you’ve done with your own daughter, I also used to send my own daughter information about her issues hoping it would convince her to get help. With mine it never worked, she just ignored it or told me to mind my own business. If she was dysregulated she would blow up at me over it and make horrible social media posts about me, my husband, my mom, and so on.

My daughter now has “new” parents and she tells people they are her actual parents. I believe her “new dad” walked her down the aisle at her wedding awhile back.Her “former” parents  and siblings weren’t invited to the wedding as she now exists in this new reality.

I miss who I thought (years ago) my daughter was but knowing now it was all a facade takes away from missing any of that. I used to miss her kids but so much time has passed that they wouldn’t know us anymore and I doubt they care, they were too young when this all went down the last time. Which is probably just as well, it would be awful if they remembered us and were sad about it.

Therapy to work on my issues (not for trying to figure my daughter out) and taking it one day at a time, staying busy and engaged with my hobbies has worked the best for me dealing with all this.

I also keep my daughter blocked from being able to communicate with me aside from one email address. My daughter still tries to reach out but not to work on things, just to be abusive and play the victim (blames me for everything that’s gone wrong in her life). Not being able to readily reach me, such as via text, has really helped my own mental health - she isn’t able to quickly reach out to be abusive, which is her MO. She can send email, which she does maybe a couple times a year, and it’s always the same abusive rhetoric and I’ve learned to not respond or respond minimally without giving her any extra fodder to verbally abuse me about.

[SoooConfused]

Dear KitKat,

I had no idea so many people were dealing with this disorder. I’m very sorry for your situation. The pain I feel in the realization that my daughter has lied to me about absolutely everything for god knows how long is devastating. I no longer know what’s real. What really happened. Was there any love between us. The gentleman from the previous post summed it up with the mask being ripped off. The one fortunate thing with my relationship with my daughter is that her BPD lacks rage. It just involves reckless behavior, lying, and I believe the spreading of lies about us. I truly don’t care about what she has to say about me. But. I am a person of integrity. I am embarrassed that someone I  raised turned out like this. I feel guilt.

I also feel guilt about having brought her to a new community of kind and trusting people. How long will it be before she deceives one of them?? Or, harms one of their lives? 

The more I read and learn about this illness the more I realize…. These people are psychotic. The fear I felt from my beautiful daughter as she devolved was real. It took me a long time to really accept this. And, while I miss her desperately, is that person even there and when was the last time she was??

My daughter too went out and replaced us with a group of people she’s known for a whole three or four months. As if your family and parents are just replaceable. She got involved with another man 30 years her senior. I am mainly worried about what happens when she has alienated us and then goes through the next crisis without a safety net because I don’t believe I will be there to help her clean up the next mess. She asked for my help finding treatment and I spent two weeks talking to doctors and therapists …. She then informs me she’s going to bff of two months “couples counselor “. I think it may have been this that was a final straw for me. She’s just toying with me.

Thank you for your story. Everyone has been so helpful in validating my feelings. Making me realize that it is about me and taking care of me. Because, there is very little one can do to save anyone from themselves.

[Ourworld]

Dear confused,

It’s important for you to understand, that even though it’s unbelievable that something like this is happening to our kids, YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. There is a motto to remember called the three C’s- you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you certainly cannot Cure it, or even help them find help.  They have to want to be better, but they do not see anything wrong I suppose, even though most ‘kids’ with BPD symptoms are highly intelligent and attractive.

Think about if anything ever occurred in their lives that might have caused them to feel abandoned, as if things were not about them. For my daughter it started (as far as I know, the disorder is generic from the father) when my husband died at age 11, she started showing more signs in her teens, which I just figured was normal for that age. So, when I went to Germany for 2.5 years, having no clue, that was when she cut me off, because she felt abandoned. Abandonment is a great fear of people with this disorder.

Thinking back, my daughter was always quite sensitive and clingy to me.

I hope that little bit helps, and I wish you a wonderful life with your husband!

OurWorld