My husband had an affair

[JEV1]

My husband has BPD, I'm sure of it. His drinking and spending drove me to confront him again,  so he left my son and I for a close friend.  He blames me exclusively because he "sees everything he's done to me in my eyes and she is guilt-free." He's been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me. These past few years, I say awful things back because the pain and stress of his highs and lows, ups and downs,  and bouts of anger have left me feeling helpless. He's now drinking and living with her. He refuses to acknowledge any of our good times and believes I'm the villain, blaming me for everything,  accusing me of attacking him when I am not. I can't reach him. I believe I've lost him. Everyone says I'm better off but I feel like the future is a black hole without him will he come back?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

Hello and welcome.

No one can say for sure if he will come back, but if he has BPD... there's a good chance that this cycle will repeat - which means that yes might might come back, yes the abuse will likely continue, yes he will likely continue the affair or have a new one, and yes you may find yourself right back in this same situation.

Many of us have found that these dynamics play out again and again.

Why do you feel that "everyone" says you're better off without him?  Why do you feel differently?   Do you have a sense of why you perceive a "black hole" without him?

Sorry for all the questions, but you'll get better input with more context.

For my part, when I realized my uBPDxw (then wife) was having an affair, it was gut wrenching.  Even with all the conflict, I didn't see it coming.  Sorry you're going through it.

[JEV1]

It isn't his first instance of infidelity.  I once caught him with a man, a total stranger he met on Craigslist,  even though he identifies as straight.  This time it's a woman. All the friends I've confided in think we should divorce because "it's the best thing for me." I miss him, in spite of everything.  I love him deeply.  I don't know how to consider a future without him. I had to stop responding to his texts. He'll claim he's worried about me but then blame me for his cheating.  He swears our entire marriage has been misery. There have been plenty of good times,  although also many bad, but he can only see the bad and is just done with me. I don't know how to get through to him. The woman he left me for is also a highly unstable alcoholic.  He must see that, but often, if he's making a mistake,  even if he knows it's a mistake,  he'll dig in and carry it through come he'll or high water rather than reverse on it. I can't get through to him. I want him to come home and don't know how to even speak to him without him insulting me even though he's the one having the affair.

[ForeverDad]

A comment often made by people with BPD (pwBPD) is that all their past relationships were bad (or worse) and were the other person's fault.  Just what your H is claiming about you.

Will he try to come back?  That's a question we can't answer, but time will tell.  However, as already mentioned in the replies, this is a typical cycle of push-pull... you pull and he pushes, then when you push he pulls back... a dysfunctional dance going nowhere good.

Infidelity is a historical deal breaker for most of history.  It is evidence of lost Trust and in his case a dysfunctional mental state, more than mere "oops I was weak and made a mistake."  You both would benefit from counseling or therapy.  The problem is that pwBPD have a heightened level of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  That makes sincere and meaningful long term therapy an extremely high hurdle for him to follow through on.  That's why he's blaming you (overmuch) for his choices.

Ponder too whether you have codependency traits.  As adults we ought to be able to stand on our own two feet and weather the storms of life, however good or bad.  Not saying you can't grieve, grieving a loss is a normal process, just ensure it is healthy grieving and with the aim to progress toward overall recovery.

[JEV1]

I feel very codependent.  I learned today he's been lying to me even since the incident and his new FP. He is a literal monster and I don't know how I could have been so blind for so long.

[kells76]

Hi JEV1, want to add my welcome to the others you've received. I hear a lot of pain going on in your life right now, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

How long have you and your H been married? And how old is your son?

Affair recovery when there are significant mental health issues in play doesn't sound like a "do-it-yourself" project. Even without major MH issues, affair

Because you're posting on the "Bettering a relationship" board, my thought is that the first step in improving your relationship might be to look into affair recovery resources in your area.

As you mention, though, you're learning new information about his choices.

Are you still interested in trying to recover the relationship?

If not, it might be worth exploring some of our other boards, whether Conflicted/Divorce or Detaching from a relationship. The advice and approaches differ significantly between the boards, so you get to decide where you're at and what your goals are, no matter what he does or doesn't do.

Fill us in on your thoughts about what you want to pursue -- no judgment here.

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Have you ever watched the 1944 movie Gaslight?  This naïve and unprepared woman is convinced by a slick criminal to doubt her own sanity.

So don't feel too bad, it's really not your fault, you trusted and your trust was nefariously betrayed.  Now you know the reality and see more than the painted face.  It's your choice what to do next, though it's likely to be difficult to take the needs steps for your future and recovery.

IF you are pondering ending the marriage, now is not the time to be nice and fair - even though I'm sure those are some of your excellent qualities - or you risk being sabotaged.  Giving "fair notice" may alert him to use that advance information to sabotage your decisions.  (If you choose to divorce, the court will not care one bit whether you're nice or fair or not... just be careful not to be nasty.)  And sharing too much of your next decision making may be TMI to share with him. 

We encourage all new members to find support wherever possible...

• Trusted friends* and family
  * mutual friends may not be trustworthy
• local counselor or therapist
• local experienced proactive lawyer for legal matters
  you should expect privacy and confidentiality
• peer support such as found here

[JEV1]

I was considering taking him back,  but after this most recent bout of all new lies...I feel as though I've loved a stranger and the past 8 years have been a lie. I am in therapy,  but I also feel as though my life won't function without him. I know longer know what is true or real. I suppose I did push him away,  but it's hard to constantly show affection to someone who's mean and dismissive more than half the time. My son is not showing any emotion,  says he doesn't want to see my husband.
I know I'm quite codependent.  I've been having insomnia and panic attacks since he left. The fact that he has simply stopped loving us is mind blowing,  but I'm no longer the fp,  right? My therapist prescribed ambien.  I still don't sleep.  Life feels like a nightmare I can't wake from.

[JEV1]

He came back. And left again.  What he wants is changing literally by the hour. I couldn't take it so I told him it was over and I'm terrified that it really is. I don't understand how any can change who they love or want to be with by the hour.  It's torture for me. Now it hurts as bad as it did on day one. How does anyone cope with this pain and uncertainty? I'm in therapy.  I still feel like the pain is unbearable

[EyesUp]

Sorry for the late reply. 

The answer is (probably):  focus on yourself and your kid.

Easier said than done.

When you find yourself ruminating, consider how to change the channel of your inner voice.   Instead of “how does he…” or “why did he…” switch it to “what’s for dinner tonight?  What does my kid enjoy that I haven’t made in a while?  Can I get him to come in the kitchen and help make it?  What are we doing next weekend? 

Etc.

Do all the self care things you’ve possibly neglected.  Take long walks, go to the gym, read a book, call a friend…

Day by day, it gets better.

[Outdorenthusiast]

I feel very codependent.  I learned today he's been lying to me even since the incident and his new FP. He is a literal monster and I don't know how I could have been so blind for so long.

I am sorry to hear your pain - I can feel how sad, scared, angry, and frightened you are.  These feelings are very understandable and I am glad you are getting the help you need from a professional. 

I would recommend a book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie if you want additional resources and help to feel better and make sense of your feelings.  After 25 years of emotional abuse - it helped me understand and fix my mental state a lot.

Outdoor