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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Graduating Skip - When should your life on the Nook end?  (Read 3001 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 649

« on: January 26, 2006, 02:50:02 PM »

I can't thank everyone here enough for what you have done for me; and I hope those that I helped will be able to say the same at some time.  After 6 months, it seems like it is time to try to fly again.

So one last topic - When should your life on bpdfamily end?  How can you know you are ready?

Here's one story... .mine.

When I came here, I was an emotionally broken man with no rudder to guide me.  I found myself with no control over my emotions, and no idea how to get control, and deeply meshed in an abusive relationship.

In the process here, through all of you (and a fair amount of reading), I've learned a lot about BPD, a lot about the relationship I was in, and a lot on my contribution to the problem.

With the aid of everyone, I got to NC and I let it take its course.  Letting go was hard.  Not cheating on NC was harder (I had many ways to learn things indirectly).  Letting go of her children was the hardest of all (but with her, it wasn't going to be any other way). 

Knowing that I was just another man in a long string of men that she mesmerized with her idealization, dynamic personality, and good looks, made the relationship a fraud... .one that she knew about and I didn't (I should have, but I didn't).  This statement, however simple, was the most difficult for me to understand and took the most time.

Don't get me wrong, she has a lovely side, but it was always "in the day" and I've never lived my life "in the day".  With nothing to healthy to think back about and nothing to hope for the future (she can't play the game twice on  the same person), there is little to feel a loss about... .except maybe time and the boys.  Yes there were terrific moments but she was in control at all times - I was the only one "hopelessly in love".

When I do run into her (it will likely happen some day), I'm not sure how I will handle it and I still need to work on that a bit.  But I have visualized her with the men in the past and some men she may be involved with now... .doing the same things we did.  I think its called conditioning... .nothing should surprise me.  If she contacted me, there is no risk of going back in.   She can appear to change, and be very convincing I'm sure, but she won't.

In the end, I'm mostly sorry that I didn't recognize the obvious signs when they surfaced... .if I had, the relationship would have ended after a year (instead of 4) with mostly good memories.  And I wouldn't feel the loss of so much time. This may seem odd to say, but I don't think I could ever have prevented the relationship from starting.

At some point, we "chosen relationship" nons (and it may be unique to us) need to graduate from  the board (but not before helping others in return).  This seems like a natural course of events... .the BPD relationship is over and you understand her "deal", now its time to work on your future (and unless BPD is a hobby, what place does it have... .).  This was also took a long time to understand... .there is so much comfort and compassion here.

With this, Skip is going to try his wings (chicken wings- got to get a last joke in).  I know I can always come back here to my friends for help (so don't close my account), but flying is what my future needs to be about.

I will miss you all, dear friends... .and I wish you the best.

When should your life on bpdfamily end?  How can you know you are ready?

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Posts: 209

« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2006, 03:08:14 PM »

Hey Skip-  let us know how you're doing every now and then -- you've helped me through a lot these six months and I'm very grateful for all you have given -- to all of us! 

hugs for you

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« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2006, 03:26:17 PM »

I'll miss you at bpdfamily... .you were such an important and helpful person here.

But, I fully support the need to move on.  Stretch those wings and find a good life.  It is a very individual thing, how long to stay at bpdfamily.  I've been here more than a year, and probably will stay a while longer.  Others found their sanity and moved on fairly quickly.  Each knows when it's time.

Stop back now and then.  We always need an experienced non to give advice to newbies.

Best, Brucey.
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Gender: Female
Posts: 204

« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2006, 04:06:38 PM »


Stay well, dear friend.

formerly istayed, planB
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1106

« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2006, 04:18:45 PM »

Dun... .Dun-Dun-Dun... .Dun-Dun... .

Is that "Pomp and Circumstance" I hear?

Best wishes!



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« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2006, 04:31:45 PM »

So Skip what is your degree in?  Masters of Non Mentality?

I have only known you for a short while but I always enjoyed you posts. Gave me a lot of insight into what hell I was going through. Thank you and best of luck in your life's journey.

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Posts: 414

« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2006, 10:01:14 PM »


I for one am glad to see you go! I'm so glad that you have gotten to the point that this is pointless, get my point? I will miss Jack... .Your banter is great, feels like I'm loosing a friend... .  I hope you'll never be back here, and that this is all becomes just a memory and a bad joke.

I guess for me, I'm getting close as well... .yes this can be a hobby, and a destructive one at that, so clear the path for me out there, and if you have just too many to handle, throw me a bone guy!

Good Luck... .

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married, 6 years to current wife. Non-BPD thank God!
Posts: 435

« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2006, 10:37:25 AM »

I don't think it necessarily has to end. Myself, I still have some relatively minor issues with my UBPDXW, but nothing that I feel like I need to bother people here with. I still check in fairly regularly to offer some of my experiences to people that I see having similar problems that I experienced and hope that I can help a few people since I had already been through it. Also, I still struggle from time to time with thinking that her new victim is enjoying the perfect life with her, and maybe that I was one that was messed up. But when I read about things here that were similar to what she had done or said, it kind of re-affirms my belief in her illness. Plus, based on what I've read here, sounds like it's only a matter of time until the new victims incur the BPD wrath. Also makes me feel better that it's probably not me, and that new-victim is most likely getting his daily beratings... .  /:)

So I kind of look at it like this, I already graduated and now I'm helping to teach the class... .  Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2006, 12:02:30 PM »

I think that if you really didn't think you were ready that you wouldn't even think of sticking your nose out the back door.

Reguardless there is no shame if you did discover you were just a little early.

The important this is that it's your goal to be able to leave.
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married to long-term 9-year partner (also a non)
Posts: 22834

« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2006, 10:32:56 AM »

Some stick around, some leave quickly.  There is one thing to consider in leaving however:  There were issues within us that led us to "get stuck" with and hang around with a BPD-ish person.  Sometimes we need to leave to forget all of that stuff.  But sometimes people leave too early and run the risk of not looking at themselves long enough to understand the dynamics.  Therefore, they put themselves at risk for another BPD-ish relationship.  So... .  no need to "graduate".  Just hang around less and less, skip.  You probably aren't healed yet... .be gentle on yourself!

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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2006, 11:23:15 AM »

Ok... .now I understand your PM ... stupid is as stupid does... .Boy I love that movie... .even Her name was the same... .

Well my good good friend... .you have received many wonderful comments here in this thread. Gary and Joannak as usual put it so well in that what we may think is best... .is... .but just not quite at this moment... .And all of the others... .so right and true from where they sit... .

A little story... .

I worked in a rehab for 14 months... It was a beautiful place (and still is... I visit from time to time). I was reborn there 17 years ago. Well after my residence was over... the money ran out... .the director somehow knew that this alcoholic needed more work before he was let back on the street. Just at that moment a position became available and he offered me a job. No such thing as coincidences... .

I became the cook for the farm... .I had experience and generally fed everyone well.

I had three roommates while I stayed on at the farm. All three have died as a result of our disease.  But my second roommate Jimmy is the crust of this story. He was younger than I,,Irish... .full of spit and vinegar... .strong as an ox, a wonderful smile... .and a hopeless drunk and crack addict when he arrived at the farm. By God's Grace he also needed more time to recover... .so a job opened just in time for him... .and he became my assistant in the kitchen. He evolved into a good cook,,and our friendship also rose like a good dough. I really liked him and what he was becoming and what he could be.

As roommates we would often,,like on bpdfamily,,discuss big things like love, loss, hope, friendship, loyalty,,and of course staying away from a drink or drug.  Many nights were spent with the murmur of shared feelings with the lights off while we talked of pain and recovery as we waited for sleep to comfort us.

After 6 months he told me one day that he was cured. I said "What?"

Jimmy told me that he knew everything he needed to know about our disease and he was ready to go. I immediately felt that terrible tug in my belly... .which always meant that my friend was hearing the voice... .that terrible voice... .the one that says... ."come to me... .come back to me... .I am your real friend... ."... .17 years later I still hear that voice from time to time... .Only fools listen to such nonsense... .I long ago learned to save spit for such moments.

I told him he was wrong... .asked him to listen to me... .begged him to stay... .

He told me I was wrong... .pay no mind... .everything would be fine... .he had changed.

There was a practice on the farm that when a staff member left in good standing,,that the cook would bake them a cake for a final goodbye. The cook,,that would be me... .decided in his ultimate anger based wisdom... .not to bake Jimmy a cake.

So Jimmy left without his piece of cake,,and a few words of forgiveness to the cook for being an "∂ƒ∫∆˚"... .a big smile,,a wave and down the mountain he went... .

I waved back... .shook my head... .contained my anger... .and went back to the kitchen.

I was baking toll house cookies when the call came the following Saturday... .Jimmy was found dead of an overdose... .alone in a rented room... .cold... .blue... .27 years old and finished.

I finished my cookies and went off to cry on Lenny's bench. It was my place for such things,,and it was used far too often.

Well Skip... .I'll bake you a cake... .cause I want you to like it so much you'll come back for another piece.

That is all.

Your Friend Always.


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Posts: 649

« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2006, 04:33:10 PM »

... .But sometimes people leave too early and run the risk of not looking at themselves long enough to understand the dynamics.  Therefore, they put themselves at risk for another BPD-ish relationship... .

JoannaK, Lenny, as always, thank for a well thought out response, and some very valid points. Here are my thoughts... .if I'm missing something, it would be a great help to let me know.

"Graduating", means ready to advance from Grade School, to Junior High - not dropping out.

The Nook was  a most effective resource (in a portfolio that included meds, a therapist, friends, books, support group) and it helped me

    1) "get out of the anxiety tree and onto terra firma", 

    2) see what was happening in my life (BPD),

    3) develop  a plan to deal with it, and the motivation to see it through,

    4) conduct a detailed post-mortem" of the relationship to see what actually happened (as opposed to my romantic version), and

    5) let go of (physically, and later mentally) of three people that I truly dearly loved.

But as you say, there a many things still left to do. 

Why Did I run The Stoplights?

I can tell you the exact day/abuse that should caused me to walk from the relationship - but I don't understand why I choose to not to see the obvious. I don't have detection problems, and I don't have analytical problems.  I choose to interpret the situation incorrectly and to continue to do so.

I have a good understanding of BPD, but almost nothing of this hot potato.

Compass Calibration

I'm confident I would not go back to my BPD, but if another came along would I be attracted to her?... .I think yes.  Would I act on it, probably not.

"Probably "  doesn't seem good enough, does it?   :-)

These things concern really concern me .  And while bpdfamily has been an awesome resource for 1-5 (above), I think another venue might be better for trhese latter issues.

So "graduating" may not be a good choice of words.   I'm changing the focus from her problems (BPD), to mine.

I picked "graduation" because I wanted to mark the milestone/accomplishment of getting out from under the relationship.
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 242

« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2006, 10:28:05 PM »

I'll miss you... .

You got me through so very rough times... Thank you ... .


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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 338

« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2006, 06:25:18 PM »

Aww, Skip/Jack,

I just read this post, I had no idea you were going until now!

I want to tell you that you are one of the most beautiful souls on this forum, and have inspired me greatly.  Thanks so much for your ever-pressent, compassionate encouragement and understanding.  You have a soft heart, and an iron-strong will.  I wish you the very best. 

I hope you do check in from time to time, to let us know how you are doing.  I have come to detest goodbyes, especially from people who have touched my life so much.
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