Eggshell walking and no contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

So basically one week since the call to PD for false DV. Heard from her mother yesterday and strongly suggested the therapist as someone for her daughter to speak to. I was asked if I thought we could still live together: interesting as all the allegations are obviously not being shared elsewhere; what I mean is I see that it was directed entirely at me, like a delusion for just the two of us. To make me hurt? Push me away? Just get space? As I read other’s posts here I see that the future most likely would never improve. Too risky. I don’t contact her, her mother reached out to me and that conversation was brief and over. She still is not talking to me, which is fine aside from me needing to grab a few things from the house. I definitely wouldn’t go alone but prefer she not be there. Who knows what I could walk in on/into. New partners? More false allegations? But do I contact her or is it best just to wait it out? I think the plan is she is still moving. Room posted, notice in… so do I just wait and see if she or maybe her mom contact me to set it up? I don’t know. My instincts say ‘patience’ but also I’m couch surfing with a friend and don’t want to overstay my welcome. I have no RO or anything like that to deal with, just don’t trust her so my mind races painting all these scenarios that I could possibly find myself in trying to move through this transition with clear communication and empathy that I’m not going to find.

[Firsttimefather]

So basically one week since the call to PD for false DV. Heard from her mother yesterday and strongly suggested the therapist as someone for her daughter to speak to. I was asked if I thought we could still live together: interesting as all the allegations are obviously not being shared elsewhere; what I mean is I see that it was directed entirely at me, like a delusion for just the two of us. To make me hurt? Push me away? Just get space? As I read other’s posts here I see that the future most likely would never improve. Too risky. I don’t contact her, her mother reached out to me and that conversation was brief and over. She still is not talking to me, which is fine aside from me needing to grab a few things from the house. I definitely wouldn’t go alone but prefer she not be there. Who knows what I could walk in on/into. New partners? More false allegations? But do I contact her or is it best just to wait it out? I think the plan is she is still moving. Room posted, notice in… so do I just wait and see if she or maybe her mom contact me to set it up? I don’t know. My instincts say ‘patience’ but also I’m couch surfing with a friend and don’t want to overstay my welcome. I have no RO or anything like that to deal with, just don’t trust her so my mind races painting all these scenarios that I could possibly find myself in trying to move through this transition with clear communication and empathy that I’m not going to find.

[Rev]

She still is not talking to me, which is fine aside from me needing to grab a few things from the house. I definitely wouldn’t go alone but prefer she not be there. Who knows what I could walk in on/into. New partners? More false allegations? But do I contact her or is it best just to wait it out? I think the plan is she is still moving. Room posted, notice in… so do I just wait and see if she or maybe her mom contact me to set it up? I don’t know. My instincts say ‘patience’ but also I’m couch surfing with a friend and don’t want to overstay my welcome. I have no RO or anything like that to deal with, just don’t trust her so my mind races painting all these scenarios that I could possibly find myself in trying to move through this transition with clear communication and empathy that I’m not going to find.

Hey there my friend.

Sounds an awful lot like my story in terms of moving out. There was never a DV statement - but there was definitely the threat of one. So I empathize with the need to be careful. pwBPD can be very volatile when they feel threatened.

The advice I got from my lawyer was to

A) Not bite when she tried to goad me into getting into a fight.
B) Follow a time line that made sense for me.
C) Communicate in writing - fewest words necessary - facts only. to  Offer to do follow up on administrative things together and if/and when she doesn't follow through, confirm to her in writing how you intend to proceed.
D) NEVER, as you say, enter your home again alone. Always bring a friend. Cover yourself at all times.
E) Know that if you follow through like this, time is your ally. Because, there's a chance, perhaps better than average even, that your ex will overstep her bounds and behave in such a way that will negate anything she may have said to smear you.

As for the mother in law comment, I had the same thing happen. My guess is that she's seen this pattern before, doesn't really know what to do about it, so is just doing her best (even if that's not much). At least that's what happened in my case.

Hope this helps.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you. I emailed her last night stating just the facts: I need to come by and get some items. Asked here when might be a good time preferably if she isn’t there. No response, and not sure if she is receiving emails from me. What next? Just call police? Just go? Try her mom?  I don’t know what to do but I do feel a week after the incident is a lot of space to give and I too have responsibilities I need to tend to. I’d prefer to not communicate with her right now but how else can I get my needs met as to get back to work?

[Rev]

Thank you. I emailed her last night stating just the facts: I need to come by and get some items. Asked here when might be a good time preferably if she isn’t there. No response, and not sure if she is receiving emails from me. What next? Just call police? Just go? Try her mom?  I don’t know what to do but I do feel a week after the incident is a lot of space to give and I too have responsibilities I need to tend to. I’d prefer to not communicate with her right now but how else can I get my needs met as to get back to work?

Can you get a friend to contact her?  Just going doesn't appear to be a safe option - and on average trusting the mother of an unwell daughter seems dicey at best. Is this your legal home?  As for calling the police, perhaps you might seek their advice first - as in go to a station in person to ask.  Also, do you have a lawyer? Dealing with police, especially in these pandemic times, tends to be even more of a case by case basis.

Also, do you own the home or is it a rental?  If it's a rental, can the landlord go with you?

Best I can offer over a forum like this.

Know this for sure - the better and cleaner you conduct yourself now, even if it's frustrating as heck, the better things will be for you if and when it hits the fan. AND ... the more rope you are giving her to show her true self others.

Hope this helps.

Hang in there,
Rev

[Firsttimefather]

Hello Rev and thanks again,
 It is a rental and I am on the lease. She did put in notice and posted her room as available on line. I am consulting an attorney and have decided to start with calling the police to ask questions. Waiting to hear back. I agree on in regards to asking her mother: hard to gauge any of that and besides that , I prefer advocating for myself. Hopefully police will provide me some kind of insight. It’s very scary. I just want to continue moving forward but want to make sure I am protected. Who knows what I could walk in on.

[Rev]

I prefer advocating for myself.

This might be a total projection on my part - because when my story went down, I was really very, very angry.  I had to learn to let others do the talking for me. My therapist made me promise.  Depending on what part of the world you are living in, how men are perceived as abuse victims, etc..., sometimes stepping back from self-advocation is a prudent thing.

Just a thought.   Again, could be a total projection.

Rev

[Rev]

It’s very scary. I just want to continue moving forward but want to make sure I am protected. Who knows what I could walk in on.

And yes - it can be very scary. I had never had a panic attack in my life. I'm a solid male, good career, well respected, all that kind of thing. And when I needed to figure out how to get my stuff out and get this settled. I had two within three weeks.

Very real.

[Firsttimefather]

I spoke with the police who informed me I have every right to go back home and any issues just call them. I also did hear from her mother who informed me my calls are no longer being blocked. In this world yes it is very easy to be labeled an abuser simply by being male. I take it all very seriously and feel you have to. It’s also doubly hard as I really don’t want to contact her at all for sake of triggering either of us or being ‘sucked in’ , but I think of your lawyers advice of :”don’t take the bate”

[Rev]

I spoke with the police who informed me I have every right to go back home and any issues just call them. I also did hear from her mother who informed me my calls are no longer being blocked. In this world yes it is very easy to be labeled an abuser simply by being male. I take it all very seriously and feel you have to. It’s also doubly hard as I really don’t want to contact her at all for sake of triggering either of us or being ‘sucked in’ , but I think of your lawyers advice of :”don’t take the bate”

Good luck... sounds like you've got your bases covered now.