moving forward - what questions should I be pondering?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello!

I have been in no contact with my ex for about a month. For me, I see no contact as a method of gaining distance from the disruption of my peace, but not necessarily a long term solution. I recognize that a part of me that is ready to move on,  and meet someone new. But there is also a part of me that is attached to my ex. A lot of this holding on is because I have the (maybe false) belief that, if circumstances were different (pertaining to family, my own capacity to emotionally regulate), then the relationship would have had a better shot.

I feel like I am now in a better position than I was before. I understand and accept that he is in a relationship now. That's enough for me to understand the distance he has taken without reading into it.

I don't want to be a doormat, but if I also don't want to close the door completely (i.e. eventually unblock him), what questions should I be asking myself?

[tina7868]

Hello!

I have been in no contact with my ex for about a month. For me, I see no contact as a method of gaining distance from the disruption of my peace, but not necessarily a long term solution. I recognize that a part of me that is ready to move on,  and meet someone new. But there is also a part of me that is attached to my ex. A lot of this holding on is because I have the (maybe false) belief that, if circumstances were different (pertaining to family, my own capacity to emotionally regulate), then the relationship would have had a better shot.

I feel like I am now in a better position than I was before. I understand and accept that he is in a relationship now. That's enough for me to understand the distance he has taken without reading into it.

I don't want to be a doormat, but if I also don't want to close the door completely (i.e. eventually unblock him), what questions should I be asking myself?

[OKrunch]

I am approaching or in a similar place.
I would like to eventually be at least amicable, if for no other reason than to see my dogs.
Then there is the ego hurdle of wanting her to reach out, just so I know i got some leverage, or slice of my own power back.

I feel like I am ready to handle contact if it happens, and not to try to reconcile, like I did in January, which blew up in my face.

My therapist has many a time said "She is like a cat, you cant chase her, just let her come to you if and when she will"

Tina, We seem to share similar feelings and struggles.
We are both looking to stay nice, amicable, but also respect the fact that they are in new relationships, which always hurts badly.
Ive had to sit back and watch her do this one time before.
The main difference now, is the entire first breakup, i was waiting for her, and she knew it.
She probably still thinks I am, but that will fade with time and lack of contact.
I was frequently reminding her i was there. I was as available as a glass of water, and now I am NOT.
Mostly I am doing this for myself, and to show I can be stronger after each hardship in my life, learn and grow from them.
I hope she can do the same.

Each day i focus more on what I want to do, enjoying my life, and not worrying if she has chosen to be in it, or push me away.
I told her when breaking up (both times) we need to CHOOSE eachother, even in hard times.
I have always chosen her, and waited for her.
She CHOSE to NOT choose me, several times.

Unless that changes, this is how it will be now.
Im not CHOOSING anything other than someone who CHOOSES me without my having to beg, or be beholden to in order to recieve that.

Whether its her, or someone else, my heart is reserved for who CHOOSES me, and at this point, that will take some proving by whomsoever does chose me.
I will not fall for love bombing again.

Stay Strong Tina, It's been a hard week on my end too, up until a day or two ago. The Moon is approaching full, so emotions are high. Be kind to yourself

[tina7868]

Thanks for your reply, OKrunch

The main difference now, is the entire first breakup, i was waiting for her, and she knew it.
She probably still thinks I am, but that will fade with time and lack of contact.
I was frequently reminding her i was there. I was as available as a glass of water, and now I am NOT.

This reminds me of how I used to be. I used to find other ways to contact my ex when he blocked me to send desperate messages about how much I cared and was sorry. I have stopped doing that for about a year now. I respect his boundaries. I will not contact someone who makes it clear that they don't want to talk to me.

As I get better with this, and don't feel as desperate to reach out, it may have had an effect that he feels like he has less control over me. If I have to lower myself down that much, a relationship with him isn't worth it for me.

Mostly I am doing this for myself, and to show I can be stronger after each hardship in my life, learn and grow from them.

That is a healthy motivation. It's in line with my perspective that some people are not meant to be a part of your life in the long run. They are there to help you learn lessons, so that you can learn and grow.

Im not CHOOSING anything other than someone who CHOOSES me without my having to beg, or be beholden to in order to recieve that.

Whether its her, or someone else, my heart is reserved for who CHOOSES me, and at this point, that will take some proving by whomsoever does chose me.
I will not fall for love bombing again.

I agree with this! What I am struggling with is, what does ´some proving´ mean? I think I have been naive in the past. Him showing up and asking about me was enough for me to respond and pick things right back up. Say he calls me and asks to see me. I like him, so I'd agree to see him. But I feel like maybe that's not what would serve me best. I don't know any other way to be though, I feel like I try to be genuine in these situations, but it wouldn't be fair to myself and all the hard work I put into healing to just jump back in without a thought.

[NarcsEverywhere]

What got you into the relationship? What do you need to learn to avoid it again? Why was it so unhealthy? From both ends, even yours. Those are the things I'd try to ask, because repeating the mistake would lead to more pain and suffering.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for your reply, OKrunch

This reminds me of how I used to be. I used to find other ways to contact my ex when he blocked me to send desperate messages about how much I cared and was sorry. I have stopped doing that for about a year now. I respect his boundaries. I will not contact someone who makes it clear that they don't want to talk to me.

As I get better with this, and don't feel as desperate to reach out, it may have had an effect that he feels like he has less control over me. If I have to lower myself down that much, a relationship with him isn't worth it for me.


That is a healthy motivation. It's in line with my perspective that some people are not meant to be a part of your life in the long run. They are there to help you learn lessons, so that you can learn and grow.

I agree with this! What I am struggling with is, what does ´some proving´ mean? I think I have been naive in the past. Him showing up and asking about me was enough for me to respond and pick things right back up. Say he calls me and asks to see me. I like him, so I'd agree to see him. But I feel like maybe that's not what would serve me best. I don't know any other way to be though, I feel like I try to be genuine in these situations, but it wouldn't be fair to myself and all the hard work I put into healing to just jump back in without a thought.

Philosophical or not the truth of the matter is that the old saying of some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime I believe is spot on.

So real talk...the fact you are struggling with this should tell you...you are not the problem. It is okay to just LET GO!

So my advice for you is that you are a soft, sweet, gentle person. You do not have it in you to be a stone cold force. That is okay...do not compare yourself to others and believe you have to change or be that way. Many people struggle just like you. You are more empathetic, sympathetic, and more sensitive. That gives you your own unique strengths which are also your downfalls, but only in the sense when it comes to protecting your feelings and heart.

With that said you are going to have to go the route of being non-confrontational and keeping your distance and let things fade away naturally. If you engage YOU are going to get hurt. You already know this. Its not a question of if and thinking I'll be okay...no, you know you will falter and disrupt the progress you've made.

Your greatest weakness is not wanting to enforce stiff boundaries because of your non-confrontational nature. So to make sure you protect yourself you must keep your distance. To help you with perspective...do not look at it or think of it as something negative such as punishing him or being someone you are not...this how you will end up hurting yourself in the long run. Instead take the approach that you are doing it to protect yourself because you deserve better and peace of mind. You deserve happiness too. You are actually doing it out of kindness and not malice.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

Philosophical or not the truth of the matter is that the old saying of some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime I believe is spot on.

So real talk...the fact you are struggling with this should tell you...you are not the problem. It is okay to just LET GO!

So my advice for you is that you are a soft, sweet, gentle person. You do not have it in you to be a stone cold force. That is okay...do not compare yourself to others and believe you have to change or be that way. Many people struggle just like you. You are more empathetic, sympathetic, and more sensitive. That gives you your own unique strengths which are also your downfalls, but only in the sense when it comes to protecting your feelings and heart.

With that said you are going to have to go the route of being non-confrontational and keeping your distance and let things fade away naturally. If you engage YOU are going to get hurt. You already know this. Its not a question of if and thinking I'll be okay...no, you know you will falter and disrupt the progress you've made.

Your greatest weakness is not wanting to enforce stiff boundaries because of your non-confrontational nature. So to make sure you protect yourself you must keep your distance. To help you with perspective...do not look at it or think of it as something negative such as punishing him or being someone you are not...this how you will end up hurting yourself in the long run. Instead take the approach that you are doing it to protect yourself because you deserve better and peace of mind. You deserve happiness too. You are actually doing it out of kindness and not malice.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you SC, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this reply. Reading it makes me feel understood. It is okay to let go, and I do deserve to be happy. I can move forward while embracing who I am. Getting to know myself has been the most rewarding part of this journey.

I was feeling unsure about the following.

It has become easy for me to let things be in moments when my ex does not reach out to me. I couldn't imagine writing that a year ago, but it's true! I recognize that, as you mentionned, my progress falters after I engage with him, even if I tell myself I won't have any expectations. I have my own pattern of feeling disappointed, hoping painfully to reconcile with him, and then coming out on the other side stronger and with clarity. As long as I have my space.

If he does reach out, whatever his motivations are, I was worried about how I could navigate that. Would my distance from him affect a possibility of friendship? But then I would engage and falter again. Yet I don't want to ignore him. It seemed impossible.

This really bothered me. So, I go back to the lessons I have learned. It doesn't matter what I say, but what my intentions are behind how I respond. I deserve happiness and peace, that is my priority. I take care of me. Wanting to recreate and control things is my own behaviour that does not serve me. Instead, I can allow things to unfold naturally. If he is meant to be my friend, it will happen. Right now, he is not meant to be in my life, by the very fact that he isn't in my life. And that's okay. It's not something I am missing out on. I should strive for better.

[cranmango]

It doesn't matter what I say, but what my intentions are behind how I respond. I deserve happiness and peace, that is my priority. I take care of me. Wanting to recreate and control things is my own behaviour that does not serve me. Instead, I can allow things to unfold naturally. If he is meant to be my friend, it will happen. Right now, he is not meant to be in my life, by the very fact that he isn't in my life. And that's okay. It's not something I am missing out on. I should strive for better.

This resonates with me. Your happiness does not depend on him (or anyone else) being in your life. You do indeed deserve happiness, and you deserve to be treated with respect.

I have long been frustrated with the ambiguous messages that my ex sends me. I took it upon myself to try and 'decode' her intentions. Which kept me locked in that same loop you describe: getting my hopes up for reconciliation, feeling disappointed, and dealing with the hurt all over again. I still don't understand her intentions. I'm not sure she does either.

If your ex really wants to be your friend, he will put in the effort to build that friendship. Not with push/pull behavior, not with ambiguous messages. With direct contact, respect for your boundaries, and sustained effort. And if he's unwilling or unable to put in that effort, then he's not ready to be your friend.

[tina7868]

Thanks for your reply, cranmango. I feel more confident that I can be strong in my self worth during future interactions.

Well…speaking of future interactions  

It’s been over a month since I last spoke to him. I have difficulty describing how I have been feeling lately. First, I didn’t expect the NC period to last this long. I know it’s out of my control and not personal. I feel like as time passes by he becomes more and more of a blur in my mind, but I still wake up wondering if he messaged me. Intrusive thoughts aren’t too bad, and still I remain busy with my life.

I guess if I could express what I need comfort with, it’s that I will hear from him again. But, nobody knows what will happen. He maybe doesn’t even know. I do miss him. Which I feel annoyed at myself for even writing. He disappeared!

[cranmango]

Hi tina—right there with you. My ex hasn’t texted me in months. First thing I do every morning is check to see if she texted. Some habits just die hard.

It’s very likely that you and your ex will talk again. I choose to believe that my ex is walking her own path currently, as am I. And I am working to stay open to wherever my path may lead, while not worrying too much about her path. It’s still a daily struggle.

[Pook075]

Hi Tina!  I've followed your journey pretty closely since we both had our worlds explode around the same time.  In fact, everyone posting here in your thread sort of feels like our support group since we all went through this together.  So I want to share a little bit of my recent story for inspiration.

You guys know I'm a Christian and I'm married, so I didn't want to rush out to find love while still being married and waiting things out.  Like everyone else, I was hopeful that we'd eventually sit down and talk, become friends again, and possibly reconcile.  For us.  For the kids.  For our extended family that I love so dearly.  So I waited from a distance and hoped.

But I did meet someone in a long distance relationship and from the very start, I could see how much she cared about me, the genuine authentic me.  She'd nag at me if I didn't make breakfast, and remind me to visit my sick uncle, and ask how my day was.  She remembers everything I tell her, and responds with love and empathy...which seemed so remarkable at first because I never had that in my 24 year marriage.  She does that though because she cares about me and chooses me, chooses to be a part of my life.

Even today, I still have moments where I want to reconcile.  But then I look at what a balanced, loving relationship looks like, feels like, etc, and I realize that God doesn't want any of us to feel abused, neglected, or unloved.  We shouldn't have to sacrifice our own feelings to love someone else, or feel lesser to make our ex stable.  None of us are meant to do that, but we did because we are good people with big hearts.

I don't know if I'll marry this person or not, but I am so in love with her and she feels the exact same way about me.  I'm going to go visit her soon and meet in person for the first time, and I'm going to buy an engagement ring before I go (just in case).

I shared that to tell all of you this- you deserve to be loved, cherished, and accepted EXACTLY as you are.  So dip your toes into the dating world Tina, and don't be afraid to love again.  Mr. Right is out there looking for you and I hope you're as shocked and delighted as I am right now once you meet him.

At first I felt guilt for meeting someone new, like I was doing something bad by actually moving on from my wife.  But the more I got to know this new person, the more she loved me for being me, the more I realized that it's okay for me to live my own life and be happy.  That's what God wants for all of us, to let go of past pains and live a life full of love, hope, and promise.

I hope that helps you, my friends.  I really do care about you all.

[tina7868]

Thank you for your replies!

cranmango - Your perspective is beautiful, and reading your words comforts me. You are strong and capable. Be easy on yourself.

Pook - I am so happy to read that you met someone who makes you feel this way  ! It brings a smile to my face. You make great points. We do all deserve to be happy. I also appreciate your message not to be afraid to love again. I did meet someone who I felt excited to talk with a few weeks ago. He wasn't emotionally available, so I decided to distance myself, but it was nice to know I could feel that way again.

I think both of your perspectives lead towards letting go, being open and focusing on being happy with or without a specific person in my life. Put my emotional well bring first. I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months, and I do feel like I've come farther than I could have imagined.

I've been feeling lately like maybe a short message to reach out to him is in alignment with how I'm feeling. Hear me out - right now, it feels like reaching out and extending warm wishes aligns with my intentions and personal growth. For the past few months, I've been very passive in his coming in and out of my life. I chose to do that, and I believe that was what I needed to do at the time. Now, I feel empowered to find a sense of closure. Send goodwill and kindness.

[Pook075]

I've been feeling lately like maybe a short message to reach out to him is in alignment with how I'm feeling. Hear me out - right now, it feels like reaching out and extending warm wishes aligns with my intentions and personal growth. For the past few months, I've been very passive in his coming in and out of my life. I chose to do that, and I believe that was what I needed to do at the time. Now, I feel empowered to find a sense of closure. Send goodwill and kindness.

I agree with your plan because at some point, it stops being about him and starts being about what's best for you.  If you want closure, seek it.  If he responds poorly, then that's a sort of closure as well.  Just be kind, be authentic, and share what's on your heart.  I don't think you can ever go wrong that way.

I love ya Tina- keep being you!  There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

[cranmango]

Hi tina—your words resonate with me. If you feel solid enough to speak from your heart, if speaking will help to bring you peace, if you can speak with no hope of outcome—then I for one say go for it. Shine your light into the world.

I sent my ex a goodbye letter last week. Not ‘goodbye’ in a strict sense, but more of a closing the book on the previous  chapter of our lives. I was brief, and honest about my complicated emotions—including how much I still care about her. I wished her well, and expressed a commitment to continue to work together as colleagues. I feel good about what I wrote. The tears were flowing. I wrote from the heart. I wrote without worrying how she might react. It was genuine.

I did mail the letter. But it wasn’t for her, not really. It was for me.

So write your letter, for you. Find your peace.

P.S. happy for you, Pook. Keep us posted.

[once removed]

Now, I feel empowered to find a sense of closure.

what sort of closure?

in other words, is this a message to reach out, or to terminate the friendship, or?

[tina7868]

I sent my ex a goodbye letter last week. Not ‘goodbye’ in a strict sense, but more of a closing the book on the previous  chapter of our lives. I was brief, and honest about my complicated emotions—including how much I still care about her. I wished her well, and expressed a commitment to continue to work together as colleagues. I feel good about what I wrote. The tears were flowing. I wrote from the heart. I wrote without worrying how she might react. It was genuine.

I did mail the letter. But it wasn’t for her, not really. It was for me.

That took a lot of strength. I really admire that, and hope it brings you peace. Trust yourself, and keep putting yourself first.

I agree with your plan because at some point, it stops being about him and starts being about what's best for you.  If you want closure, seek it.  If he responds poorly, then that's a sort of closure as well.  Just be kind, be authentic, and share what's on your heart.  I don't think you can ever go wrong that way.

And it feels like what's good for me has changed. I took a while to process what I was going through. Now I feel solid.

what sort of closure?

in other words, is this a message to reach out, or to terminate the friendship, or?

This is a good question.

I don't think I will gain any clarity or answers from him. I also don't want to terminate the friendship. Although there is currently no friendship.

I would like to be respectful, warm, and extend well wishes. I want to convey leaving the past in the past, that I've been reflecting, that I still care about him but respect his boundaries. I would say it's a reach out, but with no expectations. I would also like to tell him that I am moving cities. I realized it's something I've been waiting to share with him, because it had been something he had supported me in. Now that it's finally happening, it makes me sad to not tell him. Which is okay, he can choose not to respond to me.

Does this make sense? I can't tell sometimes  

[cranmango]

It does make sense. The danger is in hoping for any particular outcome. There’s no way to know how your message might be received.

It sounds like you are offering your ex a chance to see what genuine friendship would look like. You sharing your thoughts, making yourself a little vulnerable, but with no agenda.

Maybe he will take it as such. Maybe he will be scared of it. Maybe he will be dysregulated. But maybe a part of him will hear it, even if he can’t reciprocate.

I agree with the advice above—keep being you. We cause harm when we try to be smaller, lesser versions of ourselves. Eggshells don’t help them or us. Be the full version of you.

And good luck with the move, too!

[tina7868]

I wrote the message. I let everything my feelings flow out. The message had a lot of well wishes, a lot of recognition and acceptance that our paths in life have diverged but that I still think about him and am happy he was part of my life because of everything I learned.

Then, I got busy. My days filled up and I didn't send it because I didn't want to be distracted. Now, I don't want to send it anymore. Writing that letter did make me realize:

- The well wishes are something I can hold in my heart, because they feel nice to me
- I don't want a reply from him. I don't want to be his friend. I wanted to spend my life with him. I don't want to hear about his relationship, even if it's just a tidbit. Out of kindness to myself, I don't want to feel discomforted wondering where I could have placed myself in his life. I don't want to hear sporadic life updates from him about which washing machine he is considering buying. And that's okay. It doesn't mean I haven't moved on. It doesn't mean I am not open to meeting someone else. It means I recognize how much I cared and dreamed of a future with this person, and how out of recognition to how I felt I don't want to accept any other form of relationship. It's not out of bitterness or punishment to him (as in, you didn't give me what I wanted, so too bad). It's out of respect for my heart.
- The fact that I want to tell him I'm moving is something I should explore. Do I want to impress him? It shouldn't matter whether he knows or not. I want to be more aware of these motivations.
- Given all this information, how would I interact with him if he reaches out? I want to be clear and focused and accept nothing less than what I decide for myself, and keep this strength

On a more general note, I have realized :
- it is not my job to prove my worth to anyone
- I bring a lot to the table, and I like myself
- I don't need to compare myself to anyone. I am my own individual amalgamation of experiences and thoughts and qualities and flaws that make me who I am. I am caring and kind and thoughtful and empathetic. I like to laugh and cook. When I walk into a room, I can enjoy the energy of other people without feeling like they are better than me or I have something to prove to them.

And good luck with the move, too!

Thank you so much 

[cranmango]

- The well wishes are something I can hold in my heart, because they feel nice to me
- I don't want a reply from him. I don't want to be his friend. I wanted to spend my life with him. I don't want to hear about his relationship, even if it's just a tidbit. Out of kindness to myself, I don't want to feel discomforted wondering where I could have placed myself in his life. I don't want to hear sporadic life updates from him about which washing machine he is considering buying. And that's okay. It doesn't mean I haven't moved on. It doesn't mean I am not open to meeting someone else. It means I recognize how much I cared and dreamed of a future with this person, and how out of recognition to how I felt I don't want to accept any other form of relationship. It's not out of bitterness or punishment to him (as in, you didn't give me what I wanted, so too bad). It's out of respect for my heart.

This fills my heart. You are showing tremendous growth and self-compassion. You are in touch with your values and goals, and you are aligning your actions accordingly. Thank you for sharing. I am learning from your example.

If your ex reached out today? It sounds like you wouldn't want any contact at all. And that's totally ok. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. If your ex reaches out a year from now, or 10 years from now? You can cross that bridge when you get to it, based on where you are in life at that time.

[tina7868]

This fills my heart. You are showing tremendous growth and self-compassion. You are in touch with your values and goals, and you are aligning your actions accordingly. Thank you for sharing. I am learning from your example. 

If your ex reached out today? It sounds like you wouldn't want any contact at all. And that's totally ok. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. If your ex reaches out a year from now, or 10 years from now? You can cross that bridge when you get to it, based on where you are in life at that time.

Thank you for your kind words, cranmango.

So, I see myself as focusing on my life. Trying my best at work to hone my skills, exploring the new environment I'll be in, taking care of myself, relaxing, keeping my place clean, connecting with people. That's my default state. If my ex contacts me, I am not reactive. I don't engage over text messages, because that medium allows for unnecessary time delays. I don't make assumptions. I am kind and polite. I keep the conversation short. I can share bulletpoints about new developments. I ask him directly, what made you want to reach out? 

If he seems to be emotionally available, as in single and genuinely reaching out to reconnect, I continue engaging. If not, if he is still in a relationship and just taking a temperature check, I cut it off dry immediately, no hesitation. I return my energy to myself. I remind myself not to compare myself to anyone, that I should want better for myself and I don't need to worry. I make myself pizza and go about my life 

[Pook075]

I wrote the message. I let everything my feelings flow out. The message had a lot of well wishes, a lot of recognition and acceptance that our paths in life have diverged but that I still think about him and am happy he was part of my life because of everything I learned.

All good stuff Tina.  You're growing.  You're healing.  And you're thinking this all out in a healthy way.  I went on the exact same journey and in some aspects, I'm well ahead of you.  In other aspects, I'm way behind.  I still think I can help my wife heal and I still feel it's my responsibility to be there for her, even though the marriage is over.  Maybe I'm the fool, who knows, but I do hope someday we can be friends again since we have young adult kids and a grandson.

One of the biggest, most critical lessons I've learned is that I have to be true to myself, and I have to chase after whatever makes me the best version of me.  I can be that person now where it was impossible in a broken, suffocating marriage.  The breakup was such a blessing...even though I couldn't see it that way as it unfolded.  I really feel like you're blessed as well as you gain acceptance and can just dig into your own feelings about what matters to you.

As I said before- send the letter, don't send the letter, that doesn't matter.  What matters is you took the reins and processed what you want, what matters in your life.  Good for you sister, good for you.

[tina7868]

Thanks Pook   Your words comfort me.

Well, a special occasion passed in the last week. I of course considered that he wouldn’t reach out, which he didn’t. I spent the day with friends and did lots of activities. I still feel bummed though.

I have healthy thoughts floating around in my head, like there could be a million reasons why he didn’t reach out and none of them have anything to do with me. That it’s for the best not to get confused again. That I feel surrounded by love and good people who want the best for me and that I am finding success in other parts of my life.

I guess it sinks in that he ghosted me around 2 months ago now. I wonder why. Healthy thought says someone’s lack of communication is more of a reflection of themselves than of my worth and value. That someone else’s actions shouldn’t affect how I view myself. That I should wish for better, that I deserve better.

That feels good to write. I almost believe it all. I will believe it all. One day at a time.

[tina7868]

I'm letting myself feel sad today. I had been so busy that I didn't register everything I was feeling.

I am thinking of what I said right before he ghosted me. The last time we had a video call, he was nervous and cut the call abruptly. I messaged him a few times after, pictures of recipes I had tried. Then, in between two texts, my messages stopped going through. I haven't heard from him since.

I feel disappointed. I cared too much. I care too much.

I know ghosting can be a reflection of his issues, maybe an inability to confront difficult emotions. Or his girlfriend doesn't want him to talk to me. Or he has moved on.

[cranmango]

Hi Tina—keep feeling your feelings. It’s ok to have a sad day. All part of the grieving and detaching process.

Your thoughts sound balanced. Ghosting is indeed a reflection of his issues, and his inability to confront difficult emotions. It still hurts, though.

Not sure it’s fair to say you cared too much. You care deeply. You care a lot. And the healthy relationships in your life will be stronger because of it.

[tina7868]

Hi Tina—keep feeling your feelings. It’s ok to have a sad day. All part of the grieving and detaching process.

Your thoughts sound balanced. Ghosting is indeed a reflection of his issues, and his inability to confront difficult emotions. It still hurts, though.

Not sure it’s fair to say you cared too much. You care deeply. You care a lot. And the healthy relationships in your life will be stronger because of it.

Thank you for your message, cranmango. It's helpful to read.

I read a reply that once removed wrote on another thread, that helped me gain a clearer perspective. I will reflect on it here.

Ghosting wasn't kind of him. However, when it comes to him acknowledging a special occasion for me, he doesn't owe that to me. That was an expectation that I had set. It led to me feeling dissapointed.

I consider his perspective. He's in a relationship. He's giving it his best shot at it working out, and if that means cutting out what could be either bringing up difficult emotions within himself or causing friction within his relationship, I understand why he wouldn't want to talk to me. I'm going to have to accept that, and let it play out. Maybe he is anxious about how I would react. Maybe he doesn't understand how he feels, or has difficulty expressing himself, so shutting everything to do with me off completely is his way of finding solace.

This doesn't have any bad, ultimate, implications about the future either. First, I know that I am fine without him in my life, as proven by all the growth I have had over this past year, and I can let myself feel these feelings while knowing I'll feel better with time. From another perspective, this experience is letting me grieve and let go of the past relationship more completely. And that may be exactly what a fresh, healthy relationship between the two of us would require to be sustainable.

I've learned that change is part of life, and I create pain for myself by feeling attached to a conception I have of a person or a situation in my head and don't allow room for them to change.

[once removed]

I've learned that change is part of life, and I create pain for myself by feeling attached to a conception I have of a person or a situation in my head and don't allow room for them to change.

trying to build or maintain a friendship with an ex, when there is still any level of hope, longing, or expectations, is such a precarious place to be in. not the wrong one, necessarily, but it can be brutal.

the other person is generally clueless about our feelings. they are on a totally different wavelength. it doesnt mean they dont care about us, but theyre just carrying on mostly, with whatever their day to day priorities are.

but the person with hope, or longing, or expectations, typically is at least a bit preoccupied by it. every conversation, every move, is something to be analyzed through those lens. the other person just going about their lives, may feel, at times, like a choice, or a message sent to us, when typically, there is little to no thought of that.

and it all just sucks. because when they do reach out, or show that theyre thinking of us, it typically just results in wanting more, and amplifying our feelings about whatever they are doing, or not doing. or its disappointing because its less than what we were hoping for.

what isnt clear to me, is whether he is ghosting you or cutting you out, vs prioritizing the life hes building. i know he stopped replying the last time you spoke, but was that a possible oversight, and you just havent happened to speak since, or do you know well enough here to say theres something more distinct going on?

[tina7868]

what isnt clear to me, is whether he is ghosting you or cutting you out, vs prioritizing the life hes building. i know he stopped replying the last time you spoke, but was that a possible oversight, and you just havent happened to speak since, or do you know well enough here to say theres something more distinct going on?

I feel like something is off, because of the way my messages were delivered. Through the messaging platform, my messages used to clearly be delivered. Then, it showed that not only were they no longer delivered, but that switch happened between me sending two messages (within the span of a minute, they went from being delivered to no longer delivered).

He could have decided to disconnect his account, which is the only way we communicated, for his own reasons. That hurts in a different way. I tried reaching out on that platform twice since,  but my messages remain undelivered.

Also, I think my mind went there because it’s happened many times before

I guess I assumed it was purposeful. I could try reaching out on another platform.

[tina7868]

Well, things moved a lot faster than I thought. I reached out on another platform, and he called me. We spoke quickly, he asked about my move and general things. He said he didn’t want to be in contact with me. I asked if he could share why. He said it was because his girlfriend isn’t comfortable with that.

Fair enough. I feel like I’ve heard this before (because I have). I said I understood and left it at that.