Grieving Process Question

[bluebarleystrawb]

Hello,
This is my first post on the board.  I am a 48m, I have ADHD.  My partner is 48f.  We have two teenage kids, one is recently diagnosed bipolar, married 20 plus years.

As i begin to navigate the site I was wondering first how those of you with undiagnosed (at least to me) spouses use it?  All that's been disclosed to me by my spouse is that she is working through childhood trauma with her therapist. My partner has told me she needs space, and when she wants to address the relationship again she will let me know. It has been three years and contact has continually decreased, to the point of essentially raising the kids together now in a dual household with minimal contact. We are currently separated living in the same house, as I have been practicing loving detachment with the help of my therapist, who specializes in polyvagal work.

My therapist has told me "get out, get the kids out" as he believes the percentage of time with me even if it is half the time (my partner works a lot as an entrepreneur, long days plus continuing to work long hours at home, so it would most likely be more) will be beneficial for the kids.  His thinking is my being concerned about her DX is a rabbit hole and all that matters is the behavior and my somatic response.  His thought is somatic work for grief and loss is the way to go for right now (I am doing this with an embodiment therapist), and possibly family therapy (which she will have to choose/buy in on) as we begin to figure out how to coparent. 

I have done DBT skills training with my older teen, and have been using skills which have made our marriage less high conflict.  But there is still a considerate (although varied) impact on our day to day family life, particularly with our kids, and there have been some very high conflict moments with her and our eldest, particularly as my partner sometimes only gets 4-5 hours of sleep. Our eldest teen's therapist has recommended family therapy, and my partner's therapist has recommended someone with familiarity with both BP I and BPD, my partner says this is because of the possibility of comorbidity in our teen's diagnosis (there is currently only a BP 1 Diagnosis).  I don't think she is capable of lying, and my therapist (who has met with her therapist to coordinate care on 2 occasions) agrees. He has mentioned to me that her therapist assumed I had NPD or NPD tendencies based on her reports and he disagrees.  He also says that I absolutely do not have BPD. Currently my focus is processing the grief about the state of the relationship and moving toward acceptance.  Any thoughts about this without having info regarding a DX? I like simple, but this situation feels complicated. Thanks everyone.

[bluebarleystrawb]

I should add I have gone through the lessons on this site, and the lessons regarding the end of a relationship with a BPD partner particularly resonated with me.