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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting  (Read 63387 times)
veronica lodge


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Posts: 20


« Reply #20 on: May 05, 2014, 10:25:29 PM »

I've only now realised what goes on in my husband's family with his BPD mother.  When we are good, my husband's brothers are bad and all she does when we are around her is backstab them and their partners.  We now realise that when she is with us and is not backstabbing the others to us that we are the ones that she is actually backstabbing to the others and that we are the bad ones.  It used to drive me crazy but now that I know what she has I can move on from it.  For 20 years she made us feel guilty for no reason and we could not work out what was going on because one day we were the best and then the next day she was totally ignoring us and we couldn't work out why.  It was totally crazy making stuff.  Thanks to sites like this I have grown really strong and am now challenging her silent treatment but not contacting her and letting her go.  I presume it is driving her nuts but I want her to realise that I have stepped away from her madness and that I will not particpate in her illness any longer.
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catdv

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2015, 07:39:30 AM »

Can someone please explain what "splitting" is?  I have not been able to find sufficient information here that explains it for me.  Thank you!

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Turkish
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Person in your life: Other
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2015, 11:09:21 PM »

Hi catdv, have you seen this thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0;all
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Value yourself for who you are, not for what you are to others.
catdv

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #23 on: July 08, 2015, 09:41:21 PM »

Very helpful and tremendously insightful information!

I have not posted since my introduction to this amazing resource. Perhaps just becoming part of a community where others shared their experiences was enough.  I did the same thing when I lost my beautiful daughter in 1997. After struggling with overwhelming grief for 2 1/2 year I went to a Compassionate Friends support group meeting.  Just being around others who has suffered the same loss, I left that night with a very heavy burden lifted from me. One meeting was all it took.

I have struggled plenty with the break up with my BPD partner, but joining this group was me turning the corner.  Through the insightful posts of others I traced my belief of "not being enough back to my childhood and my relationship with my parents. That helped change my perspective.  It has taken time but I realize that what I clung to were the positive memories of being with my ex, but looking at the big picture, those memories were few.  Now when I catch myself doing that, i shift my thinking to what is reality based - the ugliness of who he could be, how cruel and hurtful he could be and the many, many incidents of bad, really messed up behavior on his part.  i have blocked every form of communication he can attempt, and short of him stalking me (which is not his style), I am free.  It is the best feeling in the world and I want to thank each and every member who has posted and has contributed to my recovery.
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VitaminC
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 717


A little mereology goes a long way


« Reply #24 on: January 06, 2016, 05:15:32 AM »

Thank you for this information and these insights.
 
I have some questions:
 
In thinking about my own relationship (now ended) with a man who has all the characteristics of a high functioning pwBPD and my narcissistic characteristics, I think now that I was a huge trigger for him and he for me. Realising that I was contributing in an unhealthy way to the dynamic kept me in the relationship for almost a year after I decided I really must end it (because I blamed myself, because I wanted to try a more mature and healthy and emotionally honest approach), and 4 months of that year were after I found out about a cheating episode. Very very painful.
 
Very early in the relationship, I was aware of shifts from attentive and adoring to seemingly barely recongnising my existence. I myself swung between thinking there was something unhealthy about it to deciding I was acting like a princess and just wanted all the admiration and attention. Of course, the reality is both and somewhere between those two.
 
I reacted in typical narcissist fashion; withdrawing, removing myself physically and emotionally from the relationship. Naturally, this triggered huge fears in my pwBPD. The attraction between us was very strong, on several levels, and we kept ending up back together, somehow forgetting or just putting aside any insights we might have reached individually or together. 
 
I see now that both of us had unhealthy defensive mechanisms and that, despite my better awareness of all this, I did react in ways that were impossible for BPD to fathom. Eventually we ended up in a situation with me feeling a lack of connection, a lack of being acknowledged as a separate human at all, and trying to explain this with specific examples in ever crazier and more circular conversations. The exact experience that many members on this board describe and have lived. Towards the end I became calm and patient, about a year or more too late, and he defensive, accusing, projecting, very very angry, paranoid etc.
 
The thing that bothers me now is thinking I somehow drove him to it. In a way I KNOW that's only partly correct - he would have ended up there anyway. In my break-up speech (and it had to be a speech because he, as usual, would say nothing during one of our break-ups, answer no questions, nothing) I said that I basically felt that I was asking him for things that were *just not in his arsenal* and that it didn't mean either of us was wrong or 'bad', just that we didn't fit. That's only partly true as well. But I decided to let him off the hook, as I saw it, to end things as peacefully and maturely as I could figure out.
 
What he's done with that, I don't know.
 
My question, finally, is this: How do you "hold a borderline responsible for their behaviour"? In my experience, whatever method I tried, seemed to result in incomprehension or anger.
 
The inconsistency you mention was ever a part of our life. His life, in general.
 
I would find that after a bad episode and then re-uniting, there would be a gradual return to his own 'stuff'. I would be the recipient of his interests and vagaries and there was less and less interest in what I thought or felt. I put it down to selfishness. I saw many examples of this in his life, even with his own child. That's what really made me pay attention; when I noticed he seemed to have only a patchy awareness or care for his child.
 
I don't really know what I'm saying. I started off with one thing and am now confusing myself. Maybe this is just another stage in my thinking about the relationship. It's been two weeks since we've broken up and one week since NC.  Thinking about my own part is confusing me. Sorry.
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