In my relationship, I tried to understand her part as a way to uncover what my part was - after all a relationship is largely about the reaction of two people to each other.

Nothing really made sense to me until I saw the "stages" as described by Roger Melton, M.A. (see Melton's article).  It's not the most well written article, but the concept of the stages answers a lot.

My thoughts/observations (using Melton's titles)



The Vulnerable Seducer Stage

BP: I suspect this is the idealization phase where the BP sees the relationship partner as the "wonderful" answer to their life and become awed by the relationship partner - and is even willing to transform to be just as attractive back.

NON: In the idealization phase, I suspect many NONs are just as intoxicated about the relationship as the BP- wanting to believe that they have found someone that really appreciates them for who they are. As Melton and others suggest, this adoration is all consuming and is intoxicating - even difficult for therapists treating a BP patient to keep in perspective.


The Clinger Stage

BP: The is the absorption (clinging, controlling) phase where the BP wants this new and  "wonderful" relationship partner as committed to their life as possible.  I suspect there are all kinds of ways this comes about. Isolating the partner from friends and family is often part of this.

NON: As things start moving way too fast, I've often wondered if this is where the the healthy start to back off.  An astute NON would see that "it is too good to be true" and would back off - feel suffocated - resists as the BP tries harder. This probably results in the slowing down and eventual ending of the relationship.

A less astute NON - someone in a down phase (e.g., after a divorce), or with chronic low self esteem, or with very high, possibly blinding, self esteem (e.g. narcissistic traits), or maybe just someone that is naive - continues on.


The Hater Stage

BP: Maybe this takes shape when the BP sees the reality and the flaws in the "wonderful" partner and the disappointment and resentment sets in... .as the partner is not living up to expectations.  It's a slow progression where the disappoint/resentment comes and goes and as the BP initially hopes to return to the earlier phases but becomes more disappointed/resentful with time / situations. Some of the resentment is about everything they did and sacrificed earlier to be "perfect".

NON: This is shock stage where the NON sees the "perfect" relationship starting to fail and takes responsibility for it either by trying to live up to the expectations set by the BP, or by trying to justify why they can't. 

This dynamic between the BP and the NON sets up the "push and pull", ups and downs (roller coaster), that we refer to the dysfunctional dance.  Both sides are dealing with the "dream" - one trying to get it back - one resentful that it is gone.


The Resolution Stage (I'm adding this one  )

I think, from reading on the board, eventually one of four things happen:

1) The BP moves on in hopes of finding better.

2) The NON gets out because the situation becomes intolerable.

3) Both eventually accept the dysfunctional dance for many years, find ways to make it more tolerable, and live it as long as they can.

4) Both get professional help and work independently and together to improve the relationship - with varying degrees of success/failure over time.

Great posts!  

Everybody needs love. And unfortunately, many men and women will go to any lengths to get it--even if it means remaining in a bad relationship. Some people who are accustomed to unhealthy relationships often stay cornered in situations like this because they do not recognize that there is another way of living. They might continue the unhealthy relationship indefinitely and never seek a better way of life for themselves or they may leave the unhealthy relationship, but not the pattern. 

Agree with all of the above.  Here is a simple recipe for creating a non- who will stay to the bitter end with an abusive BP:

There are four basic ingredients:

1. Actual love: We nons tend to be nurturing by nature, and we do give more of ourselves to relationships than the average bloke;

2. Addiction: To the highs of the relationship, the great sex, the memories, etc.

3. Commitment:  Based on vows, religious views, children - or all three

4. Co-dependency:  encompassing everything from the Stockholm Syndrome to intermittent reinforcement to becoming an enabler, to fear of being without them etc. etc.

IMHO nons stay too long and don't see it coming because all four of these components are often present to some degree, and together they form a difficult-to-destruct glue that keeps us attached to our abusive BPs

lapdr hits on an important point - while every case has similarities (I think your summarization of the three stages is spot on, Street) every resolution is not the same.  Too many variables. Life 'taint black and white.

Another reason we stay is fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear to hurt our loved one, fear our SO won't make it if we leave, fear that life will become intolerable while we try to leave, fear that we will be alone, fear that maybe YOU'RE the one who is sick and if you get out you will still be messed up inside but without anyone to love you.

I know that is what is happening to me.  I am so afraid... .  when I'm talking to her I start think I am so out of here, but then I get scared... .  Especially when she talks about the future or says something sweet (which is rare, but it happens).

All of these are very good points

The naivety in regards to mental illness.

This was definitely a factor, here.

A BPD relationship is so multifaceted.

Really any relationship is, but you just don't expect to be hit from all directions.

~AguyD

Some additional items that appears to dwell on others.

Bound to stick by the marriage vows.

Bound to stick by the religious dogma of their religion.

Fear of a long drawn out nasty divorce.

Fear of maybe loosing contact with their children.

Fear that divorce will harm the children more than staying.

Afraid of change, period.

Some are SHMs and have no assets or income to survive on.

A few still doubt their own sanity and may think they are the crazy one.

   (Still in the FOG but they want to get away so bad)

Chime in if you have ideas or personal thoughts.

lapdr,

You have listed every reason I've used to stay. Fear of change, needing to do the right thing, financially scared, and especially how the kids would be affected. I am at another point where I feel I must find the strength to leave, but it is soo hard.

I look at my notes and I see that almost weekly I write about a fight or something that makes me comment that I have to get out. Yet, I stay.

I attribute it to such beaten down esteem. I look over almost 20 yrs together and I can't see anything that has lifted me from w, only negatives. How strong I had to be to stay and fight her and fight for my kids. Why can't I assume that will carry on in a new life without her?

My family, like many on this board, say I will thrive once I get out. It's hard to believe sometimes. Tony is again right on, what has changed other than more of my life is gone. Nothing. Time goes by and as I get older I see it's precious.

I personally want to thank all on this site for such helping words. This place has helped me more than you know.

owdrs