The High Conflict Couple Author: Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (December 3, 2006) Paperback: 190 pages ISBN-10: 157224450X ISBN-13: 978-1572244504

Book Description
High Conflict Couple is a concise, easy to understand guide for couples seeking to deepen their relationship and ease their conflicts.  This is an excellent book to share with your BPD partner as it doesn't make direct mention of BPD - other than that the authors are all leaders in the field of BPD.

Some couples need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems in love. When out-of-control emotions (BPD) are the root cause of problems in a relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it. What these "high-conflict" couples need is help regulating the emotions that provoke the "escape or win" mode of interaction that has come to define them.

In this book, Fruzzetti, an expert in the use of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) in couples’ therapy adapts this powerful set of emotion regulation tools. Using mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, you’ll learn how to deescalate conflict situations before they have a chance to flare into serious fights. Other techniques help partners in a relationship disclose their personal fears and vulnerabilities and validate one another’s experiences. Ultimately, you’ll learn how to manage problems with negotiation, not conflict, and how to find true acceptance and closeness with your partner.

The books tone is a bit crisper, cooler, and more analytical than most marriage guides. This is actually its strength, speaking to the analytical half of your relationship in a straight-forward way they will appreciate and understand even if they shy away from most relationship-help books as being too touchie-feelie. The message is the same as many guides, that "validation" is the key to a happy, intimate relationship-- and it is the key. This is the first book to use dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help high-conflict couples regulate out-of-control emotions, tolerate distressing situations, and resolve problems-an approach proven to help even the most highly reactive couples build healthy relationships.

About the Author
Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D., is associate professor of psychology and director of the DBT Therapy and Research Program at the University of Nevada, Reno. He is the coauthor with Perry Hoffman and Marsha Linehan of Dialectical Behavior Therapy with Couples and Families.

I don't think that any book in and of itself is "the answer". What I think books have to offer is a new way of viewing things. They give you an opportunity to re-evaluate your beliefs and ideas and to maybe decide to make some changes.

I liked many of the ideas in this book.

I am still making my way through it, since it isn't an easy read, with lots of areas to practice on and think about.

I would say for those who wish to make things work, that this is a good starting point.

I ordered this yesterday after getting agreement over the weekend that we would work through it together.  We'll see though - could be just another empty promise.

Lynn

One word of caution: The cover does note that the authors are involved with treating BPD.  So, if you need something that absolutely does not mention BPD - this probably won't work.  Especially if your BPD is in denial.

I like to go to the bookstore as a way of taking some time to myself. I am working my way through "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", perused "High Conflict Couple" (that's my next full read) and I finish my session with a meditation book (I forget the title).

I find solace and it also helps financially since I am on a tight budget

This is a really good point - either side of a r/s can be not-ready to move out of their comfort zone. I try to focus on what is working, and letting go of what is not working.

I read this book when I first came to bpdfamily.com in Aug2009. I was struggling with my BPDDD25 (23 at that time) moving back into our home after leaving her hubby (very complex story of her taking a break/canceling the lease on their apt, DUI/domestic violence arrest of them both, hubby deported, relinquishment/termination of parental rights of my gs, drug/alcohol abuse as her coping strategy WHILE DOING ALCOHOL CLASSES FOR DUI  ) and the stresses all this had on my marriage. Even though neither my dh nor I have BPD, he is very resistant to anything 'therapy' (a very 'pull yourself up' kind of guy) and this was my initial exposure to the concepts of DBT,  the book helped me to help myself cope with life in many ways. It motivated me to push for couples therapy in a very validating way - accepting my role in our issues. (I was searching for family therapy but couldn't find any therapist willing to include DD in the mix with that due to her violent history). Dh agreed to 6 sessions that would be paid for by his employee assistance program benefit. Even though he claims no benefit, we learned how to listen to each other - it allowed me to listen to him and let go of some of my control needs in dealing with our DD and gd (4 at that time).

I highly recommend this book for anyone that wants to grow a value-based, respectful relationship. And it helped even though I was the only one to read the book and practice the tools. Guess my dh benefits from the 'trickle-down' theory.

qcr xoxo

I really liked this book and cannot help wonder what would have happend to my relationship with my UBDPEX if we had both read this a long time ago.  It's to late now but for anyone still in the zone I would highly recommend this book... .Even if it only helps you protect yourself.  There are always two sides to a story... .But this book might actually help you teach you to actually get the facts of what is actually going on in their heads instead of what is initially presented to you... .Which is so often not what it seems.  I look back on my experiences and so wish that I could have dealt with things differently.  This book really could help.

/Stillness

Any idea if this book has been translated to Hebrew?