Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 16, 2019, 12:59:42 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed, Scarlet Phoenix
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, GaGrl, Longterm, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
PSYCHOLOGY: Help us build this database.
26
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BEHAVIORS: Devaluation  (Read 7579 times)
Boy

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 22


« on: October 09, 2008, 10:35:59 AM »

Hi

My ex BF Has a long history of short but intense relationships.

I ve already read the article: 'how a borderline relationship evolves' and it gave me more insight in BDP s relationships.

But i was wondering if anyone knows more about the devaluation ‘stage’, when does it start, how do you recognize that, do they become suspicious to their loved one, do they become aggressive, do they need more attention from their friends then in the beginning stage of the relationship? Etc

What I noticed was, that, after 1- 2months, he (the BDP) suddenly needed more attention from others, friends, relatives and even new people (strangers), the attention from their loved one is not enough anymore at that stage.

Is devaluation a kind of, a dream that’s falling to pieces?

Is this correct?

Feel free to post your story and thoughts

Kind regards

Logged


GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question.

Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board.

You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

Bitzee
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 732


« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2008, 09:02:42 AM »



Devaluation is when they suddenly behave as if they don't value you anymore.  They become inexplicably cool toward you for no discernible rhyme or reason.  And they seem to have no memory of how much they adored you yesterday.

They may be doing this as a reaction to feeling abandoned.  And they may feel abandoned at the *slightest* sign of rejection from someone.  It may be something as inconsequential as you showing up 10 minutes late for a date.  Or they might imagine you were paying attention to someone else in a sexual way, etc.  Many things can trigger their fear of abandonment.

They also typically devalue their partners at times when a relationship is becoming especially close or is about to move to a new level... .this also triggers their fear of abandonment.  Things have become too close, they become frightened, and they push the partner away.  Often, this response is an automatic reaction, more of a reflex, and not something to which they give much conscious thought.  And they truly can forget how much they cared about you yesterday... .they live very much in the moment... .and their mood of the moment is all encompassing, they can forget everything else.

Devaluation is usually a part of a cycle of Idealization and Devaluation.  They go back and forth between these two extremes of feeling for their partner.  This is the push/pull dynamic of BPD.  They devalue and push the partner away until there is too much distance... .at which point, they will begin again to idealize the partner and try to pull them back in. 
Logged
JoannaK
DSA Recipient
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 22836



« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2008, 12:18:12 PM »

In my opinion, the devaluation starts when they realize that you can't keep all of their demons at bay after all.  When a person with BPD embarks on a new relationship, they count on that relationship to fill all of the emptiness, all of the misery that is inside of them.  When it doesn't work (as nobody can fill the internal emptiness of another person), the devaluation begins.  I'm not saying that this explains all of the devaluation for everybody with BPD, but I think it is a very strong element.
Logged

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7813


« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2008, 12:41:36 PM »

Is devaluation a kind of a dream that’s falling to pieces?

I suspect that is what drives it.

When a person affected with BPD falls in love, they see you very much the way the act, as a super wonderful human being.  You are their soulmate.  This relationship will fill their life and will finally make them feel loved and whole.

Depending how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is (that is how I was described) and how stressful their life is - probably determines how long it takes.

I think devaluation often takes place in waves - in the beginning they see you as wonderful 100% of the time, then 80%, then 60% - you get the idea.

We tend to feed these cycles.  When they first start to devalue us, we try harder... .and it works for a little while.

There is a very confusing period when your partner starts feeling their dreams slip away as you are reaching new levels in your love and attraction to them... .

Just some thoughts... .curious to see what others say.

Skippy
Logged

StrongThanILook

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35


« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2008, 08:19:08 PM »

Excerpt
They also typically devalue their partners at times when a relationship is becoming especially close or is about to move to a new level... .this also triggers their fear of abandonment.  Things have become too close, they become frightened, and they push the partner away.

This is one of the truest statements about my relationship with my BPDso.The truth behind this lies in that BPD's (in my experience) do not push away those who are not close to them.  Why?  Well... duh, they aren't close and there is no need to push away.  Fear.  They don't fear abandonment from people that they truly don't care about.  If you weren't getting close, this wouldn't even be an issue.  Eventually, I learned to look at this as a good sign!

It's one of the few times you can say "He does it (whatever horrible thing the BPD has done) because he loves me." and potentially be right about it.  Within reason of course.  I'm not trying to be delusional, just trying to put a positive spin on it.

Incidentally, I when this happened to me, I was unaware of BPD itself but had an idea of why he was pushing away.  When I reacted with love to all his  horrid emotional/verbal attacks and all his attempts to distance me failed to make me bolt on him, he went REALLY haywire and became very confused.  No one ever did that before.  I went through a zillion defense mechanisms and moved several levels closer the whole time he was blasting me and I really had no idea what was going on.  He's in therapy now and things are going so much better Smiling (click to insert in post).  Good thing, but it was a total accident. 
Logged
clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 422



« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2019, 08:48:46 AM »

Would it then be accurate to say that the more a person with BPD cares about/loves you, the harder the 'split', the further they will push you away?
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 9902



« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2019, 11:48:33 PM »

Would it then be accurate to say that the more a person with BPD cares about/loves you, the harder the 'split', the further they will push you away?
'

i think that in a lot of ways, this is true for all of us, and certainly for someone with BPD traits.

an intimate relationship is a vulnerable one. when we are vulnerable, our fears (rejection, abandonment, engulfment) and sensitivities are heightened. more is at stake.

think about it. if i called you names, im just some stranger; it wouldnt feel good, but deep down, you dont care what i think. if a loved one calls you names, its personal.

i think generally speaking its the same for pwBPD, just more extreme.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
ColdKnight
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 291



« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2019, 05:05:14 AM »

Do we really believe this (the more they push us away the more they care about us) or are we just saying this to make ourselves feel better.

It makes me feel better but I don't know if i believe it

I miss her..
Logged

Take it for what it’s worth, I am no one of consequence.
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!