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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the romantic partner  (Read 37482 times)
MindfulJavaJoe
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Everything is as it is meant to be.


« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2012, 05:55:13 AM »

Objectification is an interesting topic and very hard as a non to get your head around.

My stbx uBPD/ uNPDw sees herself as the victim. Part of her rejection of me involve not just devaluation but dehumanisation of me. In her eyes so long as I was present she saw me a monster. Feeling became facts. I made her feel bad and therefore in her eyes I was bad. This allowed her to project all her negative feeling and shame about herself onto me. She certainly did not think about me as being hurt, she does not see it that way. My feelings did not come into it. If anything she felt that she had the right to treat me badly because of how I made her feel about herself. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=147008.0

Once out of sight and no longer the object of her attachment I doubt she thinks of me at all.


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MindfulJavaJoe
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« Reply #21 on: June 16, 2012, 12:33:56 PM »

I think the following article explains this process better than anything I have ever read. It come from an unternationally renowned expert:


   

3 Levels of Emotions found in Borderline Personality-John G. Gunderson's

(tm)_ on: May 26, 2011, 02:43:20 PM (tm)
« Last Edit: June 16, 2012, 12:44:06 PM by MindfulJavaJoe » Logged


Rhymes w/Orange
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« Reply #22 on: June 16, 2012, 05:54:09 PM »

WOW. That's exactly it.  Idea

If only I could give this to some other people so they could understand... but I know even then they would not.

Thank you for posting this article.
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vincent11
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« Reply #23 on: June 18, 2012, 01:12:49 AM »

I find this thread so insightful and helpful.  I don't know if anyone can answer this at all but I will put it out there in case there is someone who can answer it and in case it might also be helpful to others.  What is the primary behavioral difference between BPD and NPD?  It would seem while the motivation is quite different the behaviors are very similar.  If I am wrong my apologies.  I hope someone can illustrate how the behaviors differ or are distinguishable between these two diagnoses.
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vincent11
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« Reply #24 on: June 18, 2012, 01:20:53 AM »

Oceanheart   xoxox

So glad you are posting... xoxox

Quote
R. is like a  wounded bear caught in a trap, striking out because he is hurting; G. is a crocodile, coldly predatory, striking out only to feed himself.

Since DB was likely a combo NPD/BPD I think I got a bit of both here...pretty ugly to be on the recieving end of that kind of objectification.  My needs simply did not exist, only his needs/wants/feelings...I only served a need, I really didn't exist in his world for any other purpose.

It is a dificult thing for the Non to completely get their head around and it's great that you can post so intelligently and help give us some understanding from the other side.

PS - You sound well...and I'm very glad to see you on here.

Elphaba...your post opened my eyes so much.  I never even thought of the man in my life as having both NPD and BPD!  Thank you that would explain so much.  My needs do NOT exist to him at all!  I am beyond an afterthought.   His issues are so multiple and so complex it is extremely difficult to know how to navigate these waters.  Yesterday his insensitivity triggered a major meltdown for me and I am hating myself today!  I work so hard to be level headed and just find nearly impossible to forgive myself when I fall into the snares and react...especially when I OVER react!  It's a relief to have found this particular thread.
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MindfulJavaJoe
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« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2012, 02:38:32 AM »

Oceanheart   xoxox

So glad you are posting... xoxox

Quote
R. is like a  wounded bear caught in a trap, striking out because he is hurting; G. is a crocodile, coldly predatory, striking out only to feed himself.

Since DB was likely a combo NPD/BPD I think I got a bit of both here...pretty ugly to be on the recieving end of that kind of objectification.  My needs simply did not exist, only his needs/wants/feelings...I only served a need, I really didn't exist in his world for any other purpose.

It is a dificult thing for the Non to completely get their head around and it's great that you can post so intelligently and help give us some understanding from the other side.

PS - You sound well...and I'm very glad to see you on here.

Elphaba...your post opened my eyes so much.  I never even thought of the man in my life as having both NPD and BPD!  Thank you that would explain so much.  My needs do NOT exist to him at all!  I am beyond an afterthought.   His issues are so multiple and so complex it is extremely difficult to know how to navigate these waters.  Yesterday his insensitivity triggered a major meltdown for me and I am hating myself today!  I work so hard to be level headed and just find nearly impossible to forgive myself when I fall into the snares and react...especially when I OVER react!  It's a relief to have found this particular thread.

The two are considered to coexist in ~40% of pwBPD (Randi Kreger).
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riptapart
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« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2012, 02:46:31 PM »

I think the following article explains this process better than anything I have ever read. It come from an unternationally renowned expert:


   

3 Levels of Emotions found in Borderline Personality-John G. Gunderson's

(tm)_ on: May 26, 2011, 02:43:20 PM (tm)
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beachtalks
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« Reply #27 on: August 24, 2012, 01:53:43 AM »

Thanks for the confession/comment, Oceanheart, about objectification.  I DO see how the BPD person can be seen as treating others in this way, although I do think that the feelings run deeper than  this.  When a person is not emotionally mature, they often remain in an egocentric state of mind, and treat others as less than themselves.

About the neediness factor...  Something that has helped my husband and I TREMENDOUSLY in softening his blow outs, and even avoiding blowouts, is for me to stop and ask him to clarify his exact feelings.  Often he appears angry and scary to me, when really he is feeling vulnerable, humiliated, desperate, afraid, hurt...  As soon as he clarifies these feelings, I am there for him.  For all you BPD peeps---neediness is fine for some of us (at least it is for me; it is a base emotion that I support).  Cruel defensive and intimidating anger is the control part I can't handle myself. Clarifying feelings in the middle of an argument is crucial.  When a person is in a high state of suffering/pain, they usually function from an egocentric place.  The key in my relationship with my husband is to reassure him, constantly... 

I know it sounds like a lot of work, and it IS, but he is worth it.
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« Reply #28 on: October 02, 2012, 10:20:10 PM »

Ah, "Perfection" became my middle name. I was the person who was so perfect that I could fix his life and his kids.  The moment I asked for help, as it's his life and kids,  the anger would erupted.  I now know why: I'd destroyed his image of me.

When he's in good functioning he's a delight to be with.  There are times that I clearly compliment him for doing something well that he hears as criticism.  This is going to take work on my part.
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Peace & Blessings
beachtalks
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« Reply #29 on: October 17, 2012, 10:57:43 AM »

Interesting that so many BPD partners DON'T insult us for our sexual appearance/attractiveness, yet feel entirely free to assassinate our characters and hurt us in so many other ways.  I wonder if this is because the sexual bond is so strong, that they know if they break this there will be no safety net to grab on to.  Making love can truly keep a bond tight and help couples relax enough to begin to heal and repair issues. 
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"Perhaps the only real short cut in life, is brutal honesty..."
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