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Author Topic: A positive message of hope  (Read 644 times)
parisian
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 237


« on: January 09, 2015, 03:17:52 AM »

I wanted to post to hopefully help those people who have just arrived here, or for those currently going through that awful withdrawal period.

BPD is a love addiction. That means when you don't have that relationship any longer, you will experience horrible cravings like you've never experienced before in your life.

I broke up with my exBPD about 4.5 months ago now. I went NC for two months, and am now in low contact with the ocassional 'catch up' (I am doing this out of compassion).

When I called off my 1.5/2 year r/s, I went through what was the worst, darkest period of my life. Ever. It was depresing, gut wrenching, hopelessly sad. I couldn't cope with life or anything. I had extreme anxiety. It truly was awful. I feel safe saying that all of us on this board have experienced that and truly understand how difficult that period is.

I just wanted to say that the 'cliche' about time healing everything (along with lots of reading and work on my own co-dependency)  is true. Whilst everyone has different circumstances to mine and recovery is therefore very individual, today I felt infinitely happy. I smiled about life. I just felt damn good. I know that breaking off my awful r/s was the best thing for me, and I am feeling so much happier about me and life in general. I'm starting to get my zest and energy back Smiling (click to insert in post)

The very odd thing I have noticed is that even though I sunk to the lowest depths of my life,  I actually feel like I am recovering much quicker from this, than I would from a 'normal healthy' r/s. I think that is because when you b/u in a normal r/s, you tend to idealize (and grieve) the future more, because it is more realistic. You once had an awesome r/s and know that in the future, that would be possible again, but because of the b/up now you cannot, and that is sad.

For a BPD b/up though, once you have got your head around BPD, and realize that the person you thought you loved is incapable of a normal relationship, that they never loved you or treated you with respect or kindness, that your r/s would never ever improve but only get worse, then you realize that 'idealized' future, was just that. A pretend, contrived, non-existant fantasy world that would never ever exist. There is no future and there never would be. Unless your ex has years and years of intensive therapy, there is no 'getting better'. Your ex is a stranger that you never knew and they will never be anything but that awful, heart-breaking illness.

So for those in despair, keep posting on here, read everything you can on here, just grit your teeth and hold on. Be patient. Look after you. You will one day (hopefully soon) wake up, realize you are happy, and smile at yourself and the world around you.
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Trog
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 698


« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 03:55:04 AM »

Beautiful Smiling (click to insert in post)

Good luck to everyone, the last sentences are the most painful to accept that it was never love but that doesn't mean you are not loveable. Understanding why we invested so much in a relationship that hurt us often is the key. There are two. NC is one, looking deeply into yourself and the whys of how you behaved/allowed and working on your issues (for a good % of us that is rescuer/co-dependency/taking on stuff that was not ours to take - BPDs thrust responsibility onto you that is simply not yours, and it is unfair.

So NC & Learning. Those are the keys.

I'm still pretty angry at my ex but I always feel better if I refocus on myself.
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Deeno02
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 06:04:43 AM »

That word, unlovable. Had that thrown in my face at the b/u. Along with emotionless and incapable of love. Hurt me pretty bad with that. Still suffering the ill effect of those words. But you guys are spot on. Had my clarity on it. Know now it was a bad time in both our lives. I know I was all in, she wasnt. And it has been rough, sometimes still is, but Im marching on with you all. No doubt in my mind she will continue her ways with the new guy, who can either suck it up and deal with it like me, may be a big douche bag and will turn the tables on her, or just say "screw this" and bail when her crazy making kicks in (they are still in goo goo stage). However this cake is cut, it's not my damn problem. I have to fix my ___. Im the important one, not her. Cheers to 2015!
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Darkvoid

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 09:33:58 AM »

Parisian, the first part of you post, it was like reading a post that would write! amazing!



Thank you.
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Rifka
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540



« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 10:34:22 AM »

I wanted to post to hopefully help those people who have just arrived here, or for those currently going through that awful withdrawal period.

BPD is a love addiction. That means when you don't have that relationship any longer, you will experience horrible cravings like you've never experienced before in your life.

I broke up with my exBPD about 4.5 months ago now. I went NC for two months, and am now in low contact with the ocassional 'catch up' (I am doing this out of compassion).

When I called off my 1.5/2 year r/s, I went through what was the worst, darkest period of my life. Ever. It was depresing, gut wrenching, hopelessly sad. I couldn't cope with life or anything. I had extreme anxiety. It truly was awful. I feel safe saying that all of us on this board have experienced that and truly understand how difficult that period is.

I just wanted to say that the 'cliche' about time healing everything (along with lots of reading and work on my own co-dependency)  is true. Whilst everyone has different circumstances to mine and recovery is therefore very individual, today I felt infinitely happy. I smiled about life. I just felt damn good. I know that breaking off my awful r/s was the best thing for me, and I am feeling so much happier about me and life in general. I'm starting to get my zest and energy back Smiling (click to insert in post)

The very odd thing I have noticed is that even though I sunk to the lowest depths of my life,  I actually feel like I am recovering much quicker from this, than I would from a 'normal healthy' r/s. I think that is because when you b/u in a normal r/s, you tend to idealize (and grieve) the future more, because it is more realistic. You once had an awesome r/s and know that in the future, that would be possible again, but because of the b/up now you cannot, and that is sad.

For a BPD b/up though, once you have got your head around BPD, and realize that the person you thought you loved is incapable of a normal relationship, that they never loved you or treated you with respect or kindness, that your r/s would never ever improve but only get worse, then you realize that 'idealized' future, was just that. A pretend, contrived, non-existant fantasy world that would never ever exist. There is no future and there never would be. Unless your ex has years and years of intensive therapy, there is no 'getting better'. Your ex is a stranger that you never knew and they will never be anything but that awful, heart-breaking illness.

So for those in despair, keep posting on here, read everything you can on here, just grit your teeth and hold on. Be patient. Look after you. You will one day (hopefully soon) wake up, realize you are happy, and smile at yourself and the world around you.

5 months out myself and yes I agree. Time has made many of those deep hurts fade. Knowledge is so important with this disorder as is getting to the point where you focus wholly on yourself.

Not that the memories don't come back into my mind at all, but I choose to put the focus on me and my healing of myself. I see the sunsets again, I feel and smell the air. I'm getting massages and dealing with my inner child who I was only able to reach through being with my ex BPDbf. How deeply I had pushed her down in my mind and how easily he was able to bring her out to play and be visible.

I went to a group session last night and we talked about this stuff. How were they able to bring this out of us?

We also discussed how it was like a play that was performed to perfection but it's over and they have moved to the next new preview of a brand new show, but some are still sitting there waiting for the next great performance, but the show ended! Still some are hopeful for one more show.

It is better 5 months out and seeing much clearer that this is about myself!

Rifka




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