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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage  (Read 28194 times)
MindfulJavaJoe
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« Reply #40 on: August 02, 2011, 04:01:00 PM »

Randi Kreger is correct to point out that this is not a diagnostic criteria.

My uBPDw is skilled at getting her needs met.

She will turn on the charm (coy, diminutive, fluttering eyelashed) and if that does not work she quickly turns into full rage.

She might say 5 minutes later why do we have to fight why can't we just be friends. Suggesting that I am to blame.

She is emotionally labile switching from calm to full volcano mode in a blink of an eye sometimes triggered by trivial mannerisms or gestures. 
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Phaedrus
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« Reply #41 on: August 02, 2011, 04:17:32 PM »

Mine is extremely passive aggressive. When she's really angry she offers to say special prayers for me. In an e-mail last week she referenced my job but put the title in quotes as if that's not really what I do for a living.
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What we have here is failure to communicate.
MindfulJavaJoe
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« Reply #42 on: August 02, 2011, 04:23:43 PM »

That's funny because my uBPDw has no regard for my Job or my career.

Completely devalued and yer my colleagues holdd me in high esteem.

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Gettingthere
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« Reply #43 on: August 05, 2011, 08:05:55 AM »

Does passive agressive behaviour come under " 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger" in BPD diagnosis, or is it a stand alone entity?

Can anyone clarify for me plse
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whitedoe
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« Reply #44 on: August 06, 2011, 10:13:07 PM »

Great question! Mine also displayed what my therapist has called "rage" in the form of extremely "passive aggressive" behavior? I used to wonder about "rage" because I never really saw "rage" in this personality disordered man that I loved? But, perhaps the patterns of "passive aggression" are just another "flavor" of "rage"? I would love to hear what others know about this topic?

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david
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« Reply #45 on: August 06, 2011, 10:40:23 PM »

My BPDw can't rage at me anymore since we are separated and I only communicate via email. (we have kids so NC is not possible) Her emails are full of pa stuff. I've shown some to my T and she saw the same thing. Several friends and our parent coordinator saw it too.  I read somewhere that pa is covert anger.
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larissap
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« Reply #46 on: August 07, 2011, 04:20:03 AM »

My BPDw can't rage at me anymore since we are separated and I only communicate via email. (we have kids so NC is not possible) Her emails are full of pa stuff. I've shown some to my T and she saw the same thing. Several friends and our parent coordinator saw it too.  I read somewhere that pa is covert anger.

Ditto to that.  My XBPDh never used to rage as such.  It was all passive aggressive stuff, verbal abuse and so o while we were together.  Since I left him and have cut down all contact to emails/text he does still use the pa stuff with me. It is never actually calling of names but baiting, snide little remarks, inferring things without actually saying them specifically. His mother also showed very pa behaviour too.  So in my opinion yes, I agree that pa behaviour is just another form of rage.
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Gettingthere
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« Reply #47 on: August 07, 2011, 04:25:59 PM »

Thanks for the input everyone.

From what i've read P.A is about unexpressed anger (or not directly expressed!) - see "living with the passive agressive man".  I think that's where i was getting confused - my husb VERY P.A but has other BPD traits without the full on verbal raging - but then my uBPD/NPDm was also pa with stony silences to boot  rolleyes

Sp p.a behaviour can b a part of BPD in the context of rage?
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ennie
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« Reply #48 on: August 09, 2011, 04:16:00 PM »

My DH's BPD ex is somewhere between waif and witch, in the vocabulary of the book Borderline Mothers.  She raises her voice, shakes her fists, was regularly physically abusive of my DH during their marriage, and has threatened to kill me.  But the words she uses all this time are things like, "Look what  you have done to me!  You have ruined my life!  You are trying to steal my children!"  She can be screaming, "Why can't we all just get along?"  She weeps and yells and rants and raves, and accuses all manner of people of harming her in all kinds of ways. 

This can be very confusing.  She shows up on psych evals as "honest," I think due to one of her strategies of naming her "faults," then making it others' fault.  There is always a story that makes her crazy behavior make sense.  She seems dysfunctional, a troubled person...but sympathetic.  Until you start to realize that all the stories are made up.  It makes sense to be angry at an ex who abuses the kids, neglected and abused her in marriage and then left her for another woman, treats her badly and never is willing to work with her.  PEople feel sympathy for this person, despite the fact that she is not dealing with the situation gracefully.  They assume the rage will die down when she "heals" from this bad experience.  But if people know her for longer than that crisis, they know that she was the abusive person in the relationship, that she has blamed all those around her for years, that she left her husband, that she "cheated" on him repeatedly during marriage while he never did, that she is willing to be utterly stubborn about things while he is attempting to cooperate, and then to lie to the kids about it to make him look like the stubborn one. 

I do not really see this as "passive aggressive."  She is aggressive, but she is terribly blaming and unwilling to be accountable for any amount of fault or discomfort.  When she lets in even a little it the possibility that she has made an error, she is devastated, sees herself as a monster, a terrible mother.  Even that she immediately projects on others, "You must think I am a monster.  You hate me." 

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deelee

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« Reply #49 on: August 16, 2011, 12:52:40 PM »

Married 35 years and my H's rages were almost always over nothing significant. He even forwarned me during courtship that he could have a scary temper, but I rarely saw it until after we were married. Years of this anger and rages toward me... then after having children, he refused to believe that our 2 young chidren were seeing his rages for what they were and instead accused me of turning them against him by "making him lose his temper." When the kids became teens and fought like teen siblings do, he couldn't take it and left the house for the bar/club we belonged to for years. Several years of this leaving behavior and he was in an emotional affair with the bartender and raging at us even more. We just found out about the affair 7 months ago. Don't know what to think ... the rages came before when they were toddlers and the rages came after when they were older teens. This BPD is so confusing when looking at and comparring to bi-polar, male depression, ocd, adhd ... Other than rage, what would be some identifying symptoms cause rage plays a part in several mental illness dx. His therapist identified male depresison, ocd and adult adhd but not BPD. Any help on this one?
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