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Author Topic: Worried about what other people think?  (Read 660 times)
PDQuick
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« on: May 09, 2009, 09:18:15 AM »

The

Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and

it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey

that he entered it in the race

again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S

ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

publicity that he ordered the

pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline

read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he

ordered the pastor to get rid

of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a

nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the

next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to

get rid of the donkey, so she

sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he

ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being

concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery .. .

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

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PDQuick
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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2009, 09:20:35 AM »

This was an email I just got, and I thought Id use it to open up a discussion about why we value other peoples perceptions, and give up things to try to influence it.
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Natasha Tomicic
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2009, 11:53:19 AM »

you mean...like being married to an ass?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2009, 12:55:39 PM »

This was an email I just got, and I thought Id use it to open up a discussion about why we value other peoples perceptions, and give up things to try to influence it.

Ahhhhhhh the good feeling we get when we receive the old "atta boy" or "atta girl".  We feel wonderful, valuable, competent.  It boots our self-esteem, sense of recognition and all the other stuff. 

When we let those "compliments" define how we feel about ourselves, then the old "finger-pointing" does just the opposite; we feel hurt, wronged, less-esteem, and all that goes with it too.

When we inherintly feel good about ourselves, compliments are taken as an "added plus", likewise negative thoughts by others are taken for what they are too...

Peace
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2009, 03:37:36 PM »



Ah yes...

"You can't save your ass and your face at the same time."

Ego identification can be one of the most dominant dysfunctions in this life.

From what I have learned, a healthy ego is simply a part of what lets me know I exist.

A dysfunctional ego is the part of me that has confused existing with, "existing as," something.

Existing as: Happy.

Existing as: Got it all together.

Existing as: My vocation.

Existing as: My passions.

Existing as: Always strong.

Existing as: Righteous.

Existing as: Indifferent.

Existing as: It's not who you think I am nor is it even who I think I am.  It's who you think, I think I am...don't-cha-know.

Two things I have learned about the daily practice of observing my own dysfunctional ego are:

1: When I share my humanness with others I find that they are either going to identify at some level or distance out of their own fear of rejection and threatened preceptions of reality/self.  Either one is okay with me.

2: That as I can choose to share my flaws as well as my virtues...or choose not to, that regardless of how I'm perceived from the outer, it's who I am within that I have to live with every day and if I sleep with who I really am as opposed to who I can illude myself into believing I am based on how I want anyone to see me, I'm in bed with a stranger.

Thanks for bringing this up.  I've been thinking about it and will be thinking about it s'more.

Peace, UFH
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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2009, 06:41:19 PM »

I'm inclined to think we care about others' opinions - people we don't necessarily value but the good ol' General Public - because we still question and doubt ourselves.

I think the more we come to accept that we have the right to be who we choose to be, make our own choices, take responsibility for them, the harder it is for other's opinions to impact on us.

It's about self-belief versus self-doubt.

Thing is - often we'll take on board the negative opinions of people we hardly know, or people we know are unbalanced (our PDs) but devalue or ignore the good opinion of those we trust and whom we value.

Ironic, isn't it?

Was going through a tough time with my FOO when helping dalring non-mum to leave uNPD father after 47yrs of marriage. FOO was angry and being hostile, especially brother. Was driving along, pulled up at red light to find very dirty white truck in front of me (so dirty it was greybrown!)

Written in the dirt:

'The people who mind, don't matter; the people who matter, don't mind.'

Felt like had been written by a divine hand because it was just what I needed right then!

We need to believe more in ourselves and other's opinions will matter less. The sting will still be there but the pain and worry of it will disappear more quickly.

Loved the funny, btw. Thanks for sharing.

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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2009, 07:27:40 PM »

I put on such a facade to mask this in myself.   I care very much what people think of me... as a constant. 

I've said before that I wish I could stick a mirror in my face and be happy with what I see rather than the window where I see my reflection in how others see me. 

I need the affirmation from others instead of just being pleased with who I am. It's so silly really if and only I would be a bit more logical... but there you have it. Seeing the problem is half the battle right?
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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

elphaba
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2009, 07:25:38 AM »

Although this started with a joke, it is a very good and very valid subject for alot of us.

Many of us were in relationships and when they ended we were subject to some smearing on the part of our BPDex...mutual friends told a tainted version of events, friendships shattered...

I've never been one who cared much what others thought of me, I always figured my actions spoke for themselves.  But, the past couple of years have been difficult because of all this, and because there is (in many cases) no way for me to dispell the rumors or clarify what really happened.  For the most part I've come to the conclusion that those that are truly my friends would either ask me what the "truth" is (knowing I will be honest). 

People will chose the truth they decide to chose...it is not worth my time, energy and effort to make them believe otherwise.

I have spent alot of time working on me, seeing my part in all that has happened.  I've done the therapy, self affirmations, spent hours debating my choices and my part in the dance...I've not been perfect, I've made a TON of mistakes in my life...but, I can look in the mirror and know that I am a good person, a caring and honest person, I work hard, love my family and do my best to treat others with respect and kindness.

If I'm to be truly honest, sure, it bothers me that there are a bunch of friends who have fed into the tainted truth, who have chosen the truth of a mentally ill individual...but, that is their choice...my choice is to continue to be the best me I can and to be happy with that person.
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2009, 10:17:39 AM »



Elphaba, I could easily quote the entirety of your post as "bang on."

One of the gifts that I did receive from this experience is that I had to let go of my own sense of self importance in the wake of so many distortions.

'The people who mind, don't matter; the people who matter, don't mind.'

When under attack, I was feeling very hurt and so ultimately it was up to me to decide if I was going to be harmed.  Big difference IMO and I had allot of help on this board in coming to that awareness.  If I chose to try to "save face" by expending my energy on long, anti propaganda measures I would have only harmed myself.  While it was normal to feel the hurt of slanderous betrayal, this would subside as I worked out my own stuff and worked toward better understanding of all involved.

I remember the feeling inside of myself when I let go of trying to control opinions that were going to be influenced by her or anything outside of me for that matter and it was like coming home.  That was a huge part of "saving my ass," as it was only then that I could begin to live in the reality of the life I had chosen...and do the opposite.  It's a big part of what brought me here, reached out for counseling and therapy, and reaching inward for the better parts of myself as well as those I am changing and for this, I will be ever thankful.

Peace, UFH

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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2009, 03:50:02 PM »

This is a good one.  I remember, luckily so faintly, saying to my XUBPDH to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and think of your family first."  Yeah hmmm.
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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2009, 09:10:48 PM »

THis was really a good e-mail you got.. i am terrible also at worrying about what others think.

i will sometimes even cover up things with others in my life because i don't want others to know.

i am not as bad as i use to be, but worrying about what other think was a big obsticle to over come for me...
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« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2009, 11:23:11 PM »

I'm not as bad as I used to be either, but this past relationship probably triggered it for me.  I worried about what others thought when I was in a relationship with him, so much so that it may have affected me/us.  I was embarassed that I showed up for the dance over and over, so I stopped talking about it with my family and friends.  I was worried about what they would think. 

Now I know 1) don't ever worry about what others think and 2) if you're embarassed about the relationship you're in, probably should investigate how unhealthy that is.

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« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2009, 02:32:57 AM »

As in all things, I think it comes down to a question of what is a healthy balance.   In overview, I kinda think a lot of "society" and the concept of community is built, in part, on caring about what others think of you.  People are social animals; getting along means factoring how our behaviours, thoughts and laws can best serve the individual as well as the whole -- while not unduly infringing on either too deeply.  Caring about how we "fit" with others is both useful as well as hindering, depending on the weights and measures in place.  It's a double edged sword, kinda.

I do care what certain people think of me, mostly because I've allowed them to hold a place of respect in my life and mind.  I will stop and consider what such people have to say to me when and if they criticize or comment.  I've learned, though, that I've oft-times in the past accorded such a place of respect to others where no such honor was due.  I gave over that power illegitimately or unwisely, and without proper assessment of whether they merited that position of influence, or if I was giving it over out of a sense of being held hostage to their opinion, rather than valuing it sincerely because they truly had my back.

This site is an example of balances between retaining our own inner counsel and seeking the advice and opinion of others.  When our own inner counsel feels foreign or completely skewed or damaged, it's other people who can step up and have our back while we seek out that golden ratio, that useful balance of being true to ourselves without being blind to ourselves.

These days, I'm very careful about who I give the position of trusted reflection and commentary to.  I've done my level best to remove toxic people from my life who seek more to control and remake me according to their own best interests instead of mine.  But at the end of the day, there's still some people who I dearly love and who I still care very much about what they think of me.  They probably have retained that place in my heart and mind, though, because while I do factor in their comments, I never feel held hostage by it.  I guess that's one way I come to know whether a healthy balance is present.

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