In an article on our web site from Columbia University, it is stated that "Children of mothers with BPD show a significantly higher prevalence of ‘disorganized’ attachment than children of mothers without BPD. Disorganized children face stress management problems, frequently engage in externalizing behaviors, and may even face dissociative behaviors later in life. Evidence suggest that, even in middle childhood, children of mothers with BPD may display problems with interpersonal relatedness and affective regulation. Follow-up studies show that disorganized children have more difficulty engaging in ‘democratic’ play with peers at ages six and seven. These children often make executive decisions and are overall more controlling in interactions with both peers and parents. Additionally, disorganized children maintain an inability to appropriately resolve frightening situations in middle childhood years."

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles4.htm

So often the case, children do not have the courage or opportunity to talk to someone about mental illness issues in the family.  For the non parent, it is so important that the illness is openly dealt with within the family structure because children often do blame themselves for their parents' psychological issues. 

Physical child abuse: Warning signs and how to help

Many physically abusive parents and caregivers insist that their actions are simply forms of discipline, ways to make children learn to behave. But there’s a big difference between giving an unmanageable child a swat on the backside and twisting the child’s arm until it breaks. Physical abuse can include striking a child with the hand, fist, or foot or with an object, burning, shaking, pushing, or throwing a child; pinching or biting the child, pulling a child by the hair or cutting off a child’s air. Another form of child abuse involving babies is shaken baby syndrome, in which a frustrated caregiver shakes a baby roughly to make the baby stop crying, causing brain damage that often leads to severe neurological problems and even death.

Warning signs of physical abuse

Physical signs. Sometimes physical abuse has clear warning signs, such as unexplained bruises, welts, or cuts. While all children will take a tumble now and then, look for age-inappropriate injuries, injuries that appear to have a pattern such as marks from a hand or belt, or a pattern of severe injuries.

Behavioral signs. Other times, signs of physical abuse may be more subtle. The child may be fearful, shy away from touch or appear to be afraid to go home. A child’s clothing may be inappropriate for the weather, such as heavy, long sleeved pants and shirts on hot days.

Caregiver signs. Physically abusive caregivers may display anger management issues and excessive need for control. Their explanation of the injury might not ring true, or may be different from an older child’s description of the injury.

Is physical punishment the same as physical abuse?

Physical punishment, the use of physical force with the intent of inflicting bodily pain, but not injury, for the purpose of correction or control, used to be a very common form of discipline. Most of us know it as spanking or paddling. Many of us may feel we were spanked as children without damage to body or psyche. The widespread use of physical punishment, however, doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. The level of force used by an angry or frustrated parent can easily get out of hand and lead to injury. Even if it doesn’t, what a child learns from being hit as punishment is less about why conduct is right or wrong than about behaving well — or hiding bad behavior — out of fear of being hit.

Emotional child abuse

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Emotional child abuse may seem invisible. However, because emotional child abuse involves behavior that interferes with a child’s mental health or social development, the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical abuse.

Emotional child abuse takes many forms, in words and in actions.

Words. Examples of how words can hurt include constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating a child, calling names and making negative comparisons to others, or constantly telling a child he or she is “no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake." How the words are spoken can be terrifying to a child as well, such as yelling, threatening, or bullying.

Actions. Basic food and shelter may be provided, but withholding love and affection can have devastating effects on a child. Examples include ignoring or rejecting a child, giving him or her the silent treatment. Another strong component of emotional abuse is exposing the child to inappropriate situations or behavior. Especially damaging is witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as in domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused.

Signs of emotional child abuse

Behavioral signs. Since emotional child abuse does not leave concrete marks, the effects may be harder to detect. Is the child excessively shy, fearful or afraid of doing something wrong? Behavioral extremes may also be a clue. A child may be constantly trying to parent other children for example, or on the opposite side exhibit antisocial behavior such as uncontrolled aggression. Look for inappropriate age behaviors as well, such as an older child exhibiting behaviors more commonly found in younger children.

Caregiver signs. Does a caregiver seem unusually harsh and critical of a child, belittling and shaming him or her in front of others? Has the caregiver shown anger or issues with control in other areas? A caregiver may also seem strangely unconcerned with a child’s welfare or performance. Keep in mind that there might not be immediate caregiver signs. Tragically, many emotionally abusive caregivers can present a kind outside face to the world, making the abuse of the child all the more confusing and scary.

Sexual child abuse

Sexual abuse, defined as any sexual act between an adult and a child, has components of both physical and emotional abuse. Sexual abuse can be physical, such as inappropriate fondling, touching and actual sexual penetration. It can also be emotionally abusive, as in cases where a child is forced to undress or exposing a child to adult sexuality. Aside from the physical damage that sexual abuse can cause, the emotional component is powerful and far reaching. The layer of shame that accompanies sexual abuse makes the behavior doubly traumatizing. While news stories of sexual predators are scary, what is even more frightening is that the adult who sexually abuses a child or adolescent is usually someone the child knows and is supposed to trust: a relative, childcare provider, family friend, neighbor, teacher, coach, or clergy member. Children may worry that others won’t believe them and will be angry with them if they tell. They may believe that the abuse is their fault, and the shame is devastating and can cause lifelong effects.

Signs of sexual child abuse

•   Behavioral signs. Does the child display knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior? A child might appear to avoid another person, or display unusual behavior- either being very aggressive or very passive. Older children might resort to destructive behaviors to take away the pain, such as alcohol or drug abuse, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts.

•   Physical signs. A child may have trouble sitting or standing, or have stained, bloody or torn underclothes. Swelling, bruises, or bleeding in the genital area is a red flag. An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14, is a strong cause of concern.

•   Caregiver signs. The caregiver may seem to be unusually controlling and protective of the child, limiting contact with other children and adults. Again, as with other types of abuse, sometimes the caregiver does not give outward signs of concern. This does not mean the child is lying or exaggerating.

Child neglect

Child neglect is the most frequent form of child abuse. Neglect is a pattern of failing to provide for a child's basic needs, endangering a child’s physical and psychological well-being. Child neglect is not always deliberate. Sometimes, a caregiver becomes physically or mentally unable to care for a child, such as in untreated depression or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe. The end result, however, is a child who is not getting their physical and/or emotional needs met.

Warning signs of child neglect

•   Physical signs. A child may consistently be dressed inappropriately for the weather, or have ill-fitting, dirty clothes and shoes. They might appear to have consistently bad hygiene, like appearing very dirty, matted and unwashed hair, or noticeable body odor. Another warning sign is untreated illnesses and physical injuries.

•   Behavioral signs. Does the child seem to be unsupervised? Schoolchildren may be frequently late or tardy. The child might show troublesome, disruptive behavior or be withdrawn and passive.

•   Caregiver signs. Does the caregiver have problems with drugs or alcohol? While most of us have a little clutter in the home, is the caregiver’s home filthy and unsanitary? Is there adequate food in the house? A caregiver might also show reckless disregard for the child’s safety, letting older children play unsupervised or leaving a baby unattended. A caregiver might refuse or delay necessary health care for the child.

My decision was to get my son out of the house as much as possible while we were still living together, and to speak up in front of my son when he was being criticized, and to teach my son those boundaries when the Ex wasn't around.    Eventually I had to leave and get a divorce.

The father who doted on that little baby has since chosen not to have visitation or contact for the last 2 years.  I think BP's tend to look at their children as extensions of themselves.  When my ex couldn't have control, he lost interest.   Our son probably became an extension of me, in his eyes.

I guess the point to this ramble is that at the root of it, it's important that concerned adults help those children learn that they are their own people.  It's important not to let the BP "own" them, either through direct abuse or doting/enlistment. 

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It seems I can't post directly to your workshop, but I wondered if you would mind addressing the more subtle hurts/abuses that a BPD parent can inflict that fall under the radar of the warning signs listed above.

My skids mother exhibits BPD behaviors and the children have noticed her angry outbursts, lack of attention, emotional distance, etc, but she hasn't done anything bad enough that a court would take seriously as a reason to remove the children. So what can we do? They are stuck with her 50% of the time on paper - she often farms them out to other people including uBPD/possible NPD g-parents - but what about the kids then?

I am very interested in concrete ways to shore the kids up during the time they are with us and concrete examples of ways we can help them cope when they aren't with us.

Thank you,

pf

Hi problemfamily,

I think you'll be able to post to the workshop later, when you have more posts. Thank you for your concern for your stepkids--it makes a huge, huge difference. More than you can imagine.

How old are the kids? Is there anyway to amend the custody order so that their dad gets "rights of first refusal" if she's not with them during parenting time? I don't know how feasible that is with his work, etc., anyway, but it might be a strategy.

Document everything, even the things not rising to the level of involving CPS or addressing a change in custody. It may come in handy and at a minimum, it might help the kids later to have a record like that.

One of the key things you feel as a child of a BPD is that YOU are crazy. The world does not make sense to you and you feel like everything is your fault, because the only way to make sense of it is to assume you are bad. That's why bad things are happening to you. If you can give them a sense of simple reality, it will help a lot. Something really simple like, "Yes, your mother does get really mad sometimes. You're a great kid. If she yells and screams and calls you names, that's not right. It's not your fault. She has trouble with her feelings sometimes. But it's not your fault." Talk to them as directly as you and your DH can. Try not to get put off by any "protect mom" instincts. Those are natural. It can be a challenge, but you can find ways to validate them that aren't denigrating to her in their eyes.

You can give them little mantras to repeat to themselves, silently. "I'm a good kid. Daddy loves me. Stepmom loves me. I'm a good kid and people love me." Get them one of those bear puzzles (or something similar) with different emotion faces and talk about when we feel different emotions, and that it's okay, and some good ways to handle it when you feel different emotions.

Try also to get them involved in as many activities that they enjoy as possible. I don't know what her attitude is to you or your DH, but if you can put it in terms that she will appreciate, offer to take them. "Yes, exBPDw, you do deserve a break. Why don't you spend some time at the spa/with your latest boyfriend/etc. and we'll take the kids to pottery class tonight." The more you can build them up with things they can do that are predictable, enjoyable, and perhaps tap their interests and talents, the better.

Even if you only have the 50% time with them and can't get any more, you can fill that time with a sense of safety, predictability, and consistent affection. Have nice routines, a weekend pancake breakfast or walk to the park. Take them out in nature or other places that are soothing.

Also, teach them little ways to self-soothe. For example, get a kid's yoga video and do it with them. Help them learn the breathing and a simple guided visualization that can take them to a happy place. Encourage them to breathe and go to the happy place if they're scared or feel really mad and can't express it. If they like to read, do puzzles, draw, or any other quiet activities, suggest they do that when things get to be too much. Have them write out their feelings (if they're writing) and keep the writing at your house, assuring them it's private. Get them to see a child psychologist if possible. Talk to their teachers to get a sense of how they are at school and enlist the teachers to help with encouraging them.

Tell them that it's not a child's job to make a parent happy, to care for a parent, to make sure a parent is okay. It's a parent's job to take care of a child. You can look for this theme in books and movies. There's a book specifically for kids of BPDs, which might be helpful, An Umbrella for Alex. Here's a link to reviews: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56239.0.

Give them a sense of the future. Talk explicitly about it. "When you're grown up and going to college and having great adventures as a young adult." Give them a picture of an adult life that isn't about taking care of mom.

That's a lot and probably some repeat from what's in the workshop. I just brain dumped--hope it's helpful! Let me know if you have anything specific questions. I'll do my best or could even post your question as part of the workshop.



B&W

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Thank you so much for replying. I certainly didn't expect such an involved answer!

To answer some of your questions: SD is 10 and SS is 8. As things stand, because problem mom hasn't made any overtly neglectful or abusive things toward the kids we wouldn't be in a position to get more custody. In our state you have to show a preponderance of evidence or some other wording that if we can't prove she is harming them, then they won't consider a change of custody - the default here seems to be 50/50. Unfortunately he agreed to a screwed up right of refusal agreement which she abuses. He has complained to her about it so many times that she is certain to fight tooth and nail to keep it in the parenting agreement.  On top of that my husband has a very crappy lawyer with not enough funds to hire another. He tries to stay out of court for this reason. I have encouraged him to document, but often we argue about the appropriate time frame for documentation and when/if he should document by emailing her concerns. Often, he blows it off when a timely email would serve as documentation if needed in the future. He is still learning how to have appropriate boundaries with problem mom. At least he no longer goes to the door at exchanges and rarely takes her calls - she has drastically reduced her rages over the last year or so since he has started doing these things.

It is hard to say just how much of the BPD the kids witness or understand yet. DH and I have made it a priority - me more than him because I notice more - to talk to the kids about things that "don't make sense" or "don't seem to be normal".  When the kids bring up things that their mom gets "mad" about they have stated that they don't "get what the big deal is" and we have begun discussing with them that their mom seems to have some difficulty controlling her anger and knowing what is a big deal and what is a little thing. So far, they seem to be ok in understanding that it isn't their fault that she "gets mad" and we have also explained that no kids are ever in charge of making adults get happy after they are mad, it is the adult's fault if they lose their temper and the adult's job to show kids appropriate behavior.

I find these topics very interesting and read LOTS about divorce and its effects on children, BPD, anger, negotiation, step-families etc. It helps me to understand some of the feelings the kids may be having. DH is not as invested, but will mostly support the information as I relate it to him.

Thanks for the ideas of the mantras. Brilliant - SD has been in the habit of being a pleaser and lying for no good reason since I have known her. We have addressed this with her (another big talk last night) and are trying to find ways to help her discover who she really is, as she feels she must play a different role wherever she goes. I think the mantras might help her with this. SS, may not be as receptive, but it's worth remembering for him.

I'm also so glad that you suggested talking about the future and their adventures as grown ups - we have already begun pointing out to them that once they are grown up they will be able to make all their own choices and do what makes them happy. That they should begin now in listening to what their hearts and guts tell them and not what other people tell them or say they should do (being obedient and respectful to parents, teachers, etc)

Anyway, thank you again for your thoughts. As the kids are understanding the dynamics of their lives more and more, I get more and more scared for them and what life holds for them. I think we are doing a good job of creating a safe, loving, consistent home. We have responsibilities, accountability and rules that help them feel secure and they seem to enjoy the routine, but still I worry about the subtle ways problem mom can and does undermine their sense of security. sigh.

Any additional insights you might share on what it was like growing up would be appreciated.

The hardest things for me, as a child of a BPD sufferer, were:

The inconsistency of mood, attention, attitude toward me, and ability to parent. Will she be a nice mommy today, this hour, this minute; a withdrawn mommy who is holed up in her bed passed out with depression and pills; an angry mommy; a helpless mommy; an absent mommy; a loving and interested mommy who then gets upset when I'm unsure how to respond to her overtures because I don't trust her; a suicidal mommy; a mommy who loves me; a mommy who hates me? You get the idea. Forming a sense of safety under those conditions is well nigh impossible. You'll want to be a rock of consistency and provide that as much as possible in your living situation, extended family interactions, family rituals, etc.

The projection and lack of accurate mirroring. A child of a person with BPD is often told he/she is angry, bad, mean, selfish, wonderful, perfect, depressed, etc. with no relation to the CHILD's experience. It's all based on projection of the BPD sufferer's mood or black and white thinking. A child is often told that a parent knows what (bad thing) the child is thinking by the look on the child's face. Children of BPDs school themselves in having stoic expressions that betray nothing and often question their own sanity. Do I really think that? Am I really that way? My parent says so... .Learning your own emotions and generating your own self-esteem is very difficult under those conditions. You will want to be a sensitive mirror to your kids. Give them space to have their own true emotions and identities. Encourage relationships and activities that strengthen their sense of self. Correct misinformation the other parent provides. Let them know the BPD parent is often WRONG.

The lack of boundaries. A child of a person with BPD is often given no privacy, physical, emotional, or psychological. A parent can insist on knowing everything, take the door off the hinges, read diaries, listen in on phone calls. As children get older and more independent, a parent's abandonment fears are often triggered, and the parent will often try to "claim" or "own" the child. The parent may have a sense of entitlement, eating food from the child's plate, taking the child's things, climbing into the child's bed for comfort for the parent. Creating a sense of self and what it means to have healthy boundaries in a relationship are challenged. Give your children appropriate levels of privacy through house rules that your husband has to follow as well.

The narcissism. A BPD parent's primary interest is in his/her own feelings. A child's concerns are inevitably way down the list. Put your children's well being first. Let them know there is somebody for whom their interests are paramount. That may mean making hard choices, and this may be hard on your husband. Too often the non-BPD parent "gives up" and sacrifices the children's interests out of exhaustion, loyalty, love, fear, Stockholm Syndrome, etc. in relation the spouse. As they get older, talk to them in age-appropriate ways about issues like how to handle your anger, what it means to be in a reciprocal relationship, what their rights are as people and as family members. Model healthy reciprocal relationships as much as possible.

The parentification. BPD parents often put their children, from very young ages, in the role of caretaker. This can take the form of taking care of the parent's feelings, reading and soothing the parent's mood, protecting the parent, physically caring for the parent, being what the parent needs the child to be instead of what the child needs to be, and so on. I was my mother's counselor, housekeeper, mood reader, service provider, problem solver, protector, suicide watch, uplifter, and organizer. This started when I was six or so. I felt responsible for her well being, her happiness, and even her life. Let your kids be the kids. You be the parent. Be watchful for parentification and work with [the other parent], kids, counselors, extended family members, etc. to give the kids real childhood experiences and sense of freedom to be themselves and explore without fear and concern for their parent.

The abuse and neglect. Sadly, both are very common, including physical neglect (lack of food, clothes, sleep, education, routines) and emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Be honest with yourself. Denial is your enemy. You need to be an excellent observer and face up to any problematic behaviors. Put a team in place, including a counselor for the kids and extended family, to protect them. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Kids are easily manipulated and will protect the abusive parent in many cases.

I wanted to comment on something you said "on a personal note" about how kids of BPD parents often appear "normal."  At my insistence, my partner found a therapist for his two kids, then 4 and 8.  We found someone who took the kids health insurance, had worked with people with BPD, and had worked with "blended families."  After about 6-8 visits, she expressed increasing concern about dynamics and events we and the kids mentioned with their BPD mom, but reported that the kids were "fine" and "normal."   She told BPD mom this, and mom decided therapy was no longer necessary, particularly as the kids were returning from therapy telling her things the therapist was asking about mama's behavior. 

I just wish I could manage my anger better.  I find myself crying a lot and wish I could just get on with my life and stop devoting so much time to this BPD stuff.  I really want to move on.  When does it end.