It's been a year now. It got better. My story...

[homefree]

So I was here about a year ago. It was a dark time and I was in a dark place. My ex had discarded me for someone else.
I couldn't' detach and was clinging to any piece of information I could find. My friends helped me to detach from her digitally. It was tough, but each new source of information that I removed was easier to discard than the previous.
I felt like an empty shell of a person, with nothing good left for me until the day I died. Utter despair.
But I just kept going. I tried everything I could to get better. I exercised. I meditated. I journaled. I read books. I quit porn. I started to learn guitar.
Looking back, I realized that none of these sped up the healing I needed. All they did was ease the pain and distract me while time passed. Time was the healer. By disconnecting completely from my ex, I gave time the chance to do it's work.
In the meantime, with all of this work I was doing on myself, I started to feel bolder and more socially confident. I started looking for more social interaction. Again, this was just to ease my pain and loneliness. I had the confidence to ask someone out some months later and we started dating. I forgot all about the pain of my previous breakup. It seemed like I was instantly happy again, and there were no problems. The new relationship was difficult. Things felt awkward and we just didn't click. But I tried everything I could to keep it going. But we just didn't work. We both new it but I didn't want to go back to being empty and lonely.
It was too soon. I was hurting, and I needed the new relationship to stave off the pain.
The interesting thing is that when we broke up, I no longer thought or felt anything about my previous ex. But I was devastated over the new one. But it was a different pain. The previous one was like an addict having to walk away from a drug. This new pain was just loneliness and sadness that things were over. I suspect this is closer to what a normal breakup is like. I don't believe I've had one before.
It's been 6 months since all of that. I've continued to work on myself and keep going in the direction I chose for myself after my world ended last year. All the walls in my life had been knocked down and I had the chance to figure out who I really was, or who I wanted to be. It was freeing, in a terrible way, like rebuilding a city after an earthquake.
The pain has subsided. There are occasional pangs here and there, but I doesn't ruin my day. Having a clear idea of the relationship I had a year ago, and recognizing what I had become during that time, I don't romanticize it or miss it. I recognize all the bad things about it and I remember on an intellectual level that it was important to me at the time, but I can't recreate those feelings now. I see things more clearly, and that ruins most of the lies I was able to tell myself back then.
I'm productive, and feeling good about my future. And I'm facing it with more wisdom about myself and relationships. I'm looking for someone to share life with, but not because I need to kill pain or loneliness. And I feel better about myself and am able to actually decide what I want in a relationship, not to just mold my life entirely around whatever my SO would like out of fear and poor self esteem.

This is just my story. I don't know how much use it is to others, but from my own point of view, I can say this: despair is a ass. It so convincingly tells you that nothing will ever get better and that hope doesn't and will never exist from your current predicament. But it's a lie. And you know it's a lie. But that doesn't change how you feel. But disconnect. Let time do what it does. And do whatever you need to so that time has a chance. You will get there.

I would be remiss if I didn't also add that this board will always have a special place in my heart for how it helped me in those terrible days.

[CooperD]

Homefree - thank you for posting that as it did provide me with some hope and comfort.  I received my divorce certificate this week and so things are still very raw.  I am glad a year out you are doing much better and completely agree regarding despair and trying to fight it by distracting yourself. 

I have played guitar since I was 14 (so 20 years) and my guitar is pretty much attached to me right now as it is like a weapon against despair creeping back in.

For me I think meeting someone new is going to be interesting due to the intensity of my relationship with the BPD.  I have had a few dates since we seperated but I am clearly not ready - as on the dates I have been on i am subconsciously comparing the woman to what my BPD was originally like etc.  Definitely know that is not healthy for myself/any date until I am in a better place mentally.