Feelings are hard

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just want to cry, but I have to hide my tears! I am just here to rant.
I have come to realise that I am very lonely.
In the past I took pride in enjoying my own company, I still do but it’s for totally different reasons.
I’m going through a divorce rn,I’m a mother of 2 boys. I have been in a very chaotic relationship with a man who I believe has BPD- I am a trainee in the medical profession- though I can’t diagnose anyone especially family.
When you know, you know. The relationship feels suffocating. He won’t see a doctor and doesn’t believe he has a problem.
I don’t love him and I want to escape this cage.
He makes parenting difficult. I have reported him to services and one of the support ladies thinks he is grooming them by buying treats non stop for them.
We live in the same house and he has said he will will not pay my share of the equity in our home, house is in his name.
My main issue is safety. He has attacked me physically this year and was arrested but released without charges as it was my word against him. He blames me constantly for getting the police involved.
I get flashbacks and nightmares 4 months after the assault.
I can’t stand it anymore.
I am on antidepressants but I think I need to leave this environment in order to start healing.
I worry about the future too. I know he is going to come after my career because he was grooming me to be his pension plan- so was pretending to support my education for the sake of the children but then blames me for any financial difficulties. He is not trying to better him self at all, no education, no career prospects.
He was future faking for a while pretending to go to college, works out intensely 7 days a week, body shames me because he feels superior.
The list goes on.
He is not allowed to talk to me directly, we only communicate through text.
I have asked for help from social services and social housing. It’s just too slow coming.
I struggle with feeling anything. One thing I am certain of is the disappointment in myself and worry about my childrens future. I can’t appear vulnerable or sad because he will attack if not physically, psychologically.
My family of origin are abusive too and he is buddying up with them at the moment. I am glad they live thousands of miles away in a different continent so I have safely gone no contact.
The saddest part of all this is realising several incidents that I thought were mistakes were deliberately done to create chaos
1) Losing my passport deliberately
2) buying a written off vehicle for me, that almost caught fire
3) Driving wrecklessly close to other vehicles on Lane close to passenger seat where I was sitting and blaming the accident on the other driver.
4) deliberately causing our child’s skin condition to get worse
5) Buying a new car when we were struggling financially

[Tangled mangled]

I just want to cry, but I have to hide my tears! I am just here to rant.
I have come to realise that I am very lonely.
In the past I took pride in enjoying my own company, I still do but it’s for totally different reasons.
I’m going through a divorce rn,I’m a mother of 2 boys. I have been in a very chaotic relationship with a man who I believe has BPD- I am a trainee in the medical profession- though I can’t diagnose anyone especially family.
When you know, you know. The relationship feels suffocating. He won’t see a doctor and doesn’t believe he has a problem.
I don’t love him and I want to escape this cage.
He makes parenting difficult. I have reported him to services and one of the support ladies thinks he is grooming them by buying treats non stop for them.
We live in the same house and he has said he will will not pay my share of the equity in our home, house is in his name.
My main issue is safety. He has attacked me physically this year and was arrested but released without charges as it was my word against him. He blames me constantly for getting the police involved.
I get flashbacks and nightmares 4 months after the assault.
I can’t stand it anymore.
I am on antidepressants but I think I need to leave this environment in order to start healing.
I worry about the future too. I know he is going to come after my career because he was grooming me to be his pension plan- so was pretending to support my education for the sake of the children but then blames me for any financial difficulties. He is not trying to better him self at all, no education, no career prospects.
He was future faking for a while pretending to go to college, works out intensely 7 days a week, body shames me because he feels superior.
The list goes on.
He is not allowed to talk to me directly, we only communicate through text.
I have asked for help from social services and social housing. It’s just too slow coming.
I struggle with feeling anything. One thing I am certain of is the disappointment in myself and worry about my childrens future. I can’t appear vulnerable or sad because he will attack if not physically, psychologically.
My family of origin are abusive too and he is buddying up with them at the moment. I am glad they live thousands of miles away in a different continent so I have safely gone no contact.
The saddest part of all this is realising several incidents that I thought were mistakes were deliberately done to create chaos
1) Losing my passport deliberately
2) buying a written off vehicle for me, that almost caught fire
3) Driving wrecklessly close to other vehicles on Lane close to passenger seat where I was sitting and blaming the accident on the other driver.
4) deliberately causing our child’s skin condition to get worse
5) Buying a new car when we were struggling financially

[once removed]

i think that a lot of these struggles - namely loneliness - are a natural part of a divorce. certainly that can be intensified in a tumultuous divorce.

it seems to me that a vital part of getting through this is building up your support system. it sounds like youre feeling pretty isolated right now, and that that may be difficult, but i know of no better place than here to start doing it.

are you able to see a therapist?

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you for your reply.
I am able to see a therapist but not just yet. Was hoping to move out first to a place of safety, then commit to therapy.
I tried counselling a few months ago and it was chaotic and the counsellor was not that good in certain ways eg correcting my choice of words, I wasn’t swearing. I felt like she editing my narrative.
Thank you

[kells76]

I want to join with once removed in welcoming you here. So glad you are able to get support through this group.

It makes sense to drop a counselor that you don't click with -- we don't need more situations of feeling talked over, when we're dealing with disorder and dysfunction already. Good to hear that you have a chance to try therapy a little down the road. Hopefully it'll be a better fit, that makes a big difference.

How old are the boys, if you don't mind my asking? Are they his kids too? And do they have some supports through school (school counselor etc)?

Keep us in the loop on how you're doing as you work to detach from this relationship.

-kells76

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Kells26,
Thank you for the support. My sons are 8 and 5 yr old and unfortunately he is their dad. School has been very supportive.

Yesterday I had to walk away when he filled them up with chocolate muffins after school. Thank goodness they started misbehaving immediately , mess on the floor everywhere, hyper active behaviour, restless.
He did the shouting, in the past I got involved dealing with their behaviour.
Thank you.
I will provide update

[SaltyDawg]

I have come to realise that I am very lonely.
That's really tough especially as you are in a foreign country thousands of miles away from home.  Do you have any local friends that you can reach out to?  If so, please do.  If not, go to a local house of worship of your preferred faith.

I’m going through a divorce rn,I’m a mother of 2 boys. I have been in a very chaotic relationship with a man who I believe has BPD
No one here can make a diagnosis; however, one can look at the symptoms, and make a pretty good educated guess.  I am a dad of 2 children, a boy and a girl.

I don’t love him and I want to escape this cage.
I do love my uBPDw [undiagnosed BPD wife], and I too at times when the symptoms are happening, I too want to get away and escape the cage of madness - that resonates for me.

He makes parenting difficult. I have reported him to services and one of the support ladies thinks he is grooming them by buying treats non stop for them.
Agreed, for parental alienation.

We live in the same house and he has said he will will not pay my share of the equity in our home, house is in his name.
That is an issue for you, I would suggest getting a good attorney for this one.

My main issue is safety. He has attacked me physically this year and was arrested but released without charges as it was my word against him. He blames me constantly for getting the police involved.
Get yourself a 'safety plan' in place.  Also, most cell phones record video, keep it with you at all times, start recording when he gets mad.  Statistically 30% of all men who batter [hit/punch/kick] their wives are diagnosable as having BPD.

I get flashbacks and nightmares 4 months after the assault.
While I cannot diagnose, these are classic symptoms of PTSD, probably C-PTSD.

I can’t stand it anymore.
I am on antidepressants but I think I need to leave this environment in order to start healing.
It sounds like you know what you need to do.  It is a matter of coming up with a plan and implementing it.  In the US this is a good place to start:  'https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship'  this site will still have good recommendations even if you cannot access the services as it addresses many of the other concerns that you have listed, if you are elsewhere google "leaving an abusive relationship" and see what links are available.  Also, often houses of worship are a good place to get help, at a very minimum they can point you in a good direction where you might be able to get additional help.

I worry about the future too. I know he is going to come after my career because he was grooming me to be his pension plan- so was pretending to support my education for the sake of the children but then blames me for any financial difficulties. He is not trying to better him self at all, no education, no career prospects.
He was future faking for a while pretending to go to college, works out intensely 7 days a week, body shames me because he feels superior.
The list goes on.
Without knowing specifics, it definitely sounds like abuse.  Again with the 'come after my career' remark, consult an attorney.

He is not allowed to talk to me directly, we only communicate through text.
Is there a restraining order?   Or is this a boundary you set for him.  In either event it is smart, so you can document everything.

I have asked for help from social services and social housing. It’s just too slow coming.
Keep in mind with COVID they have become overwhelmed.  If you can you will need to fend for yourself; however, do whenever possible/practical get their assistance.  Use food banks too.

I struggle with feeling anything. Another symptom of PTSD, not diagnosing though.

One thing I am certain of is the disappointment in myself and worry about my childrens future.
I am glad you are focused on that.  Make yourself a priority and your children too.  Self-care is of paramount importance, so you can take care of yourself, and your children.

I can’t appear vulnerable or sad because he will attack if not physically, psychologically.
My family of origin are abusive too and he is buddying up with them at the moment. I am glad they live thousands of miles away in a different continent so I have safely gone no contact.
The saddest part of all this is realising several incidents that I thought were mistakes were deliberately done to create chaos
1) Losing my passport deliberately
2) buying a written off vehicle for me, that almost caught fire
3) Driving wrecklessly close to other vehicles on Lane close to passenger seat where I was sitting and blaming the accident on the other driver.
4) deliberately causing our child’s skin condition to get worse
5) Buying a new car when we were struggling financially

Everything that you just described is emotional abuse, and "3" is a symptom of BPD, the rest are traits.

I think you know what to do, and are looking for confirmation.  I am validating what you have said.  Only you can fix you, and take care of your children, do what you must do, in order to get that done.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you SaltyDawg for taking the time to respond. Truly helps to feel heard.
I’m struggling with expressing myself and I hope one day to be able to give  a full account on this forum for someone to hopefully learn a lesson or two from.
I’m not in the US so the system here is slightly different but I have filed for the divorce and I have to wait a few months to get an order.
I was in a joint meeting with social services and school today and my husband did not attend. He feels embarrassed that all these outside organisations have got involved.
One thing I have learned so far is not to sit quietly even if you have the tiniest idea that you are being abused.
Perpetrators feel empowered by silence. One of the YouTubers Sam Vaknin said exposure disinfectants abuse.

I don’t know how you manage to put up with your UBPD wife, this kind of abuse is damaging to the mental health.
My husband is the low functioning type and he was hoping to leverage by getting married to someone highly educated, he thought this will take away the need for him to get educated.
This in addition to the lack of safety in the relationship. I felt like I was becoming his mother and carer , he is only a yr older than I am. The relationship was starting to look like that between a badly behaved teenager and parent.
I have made some progress today with moving out but it’s going to be a short term very inconvenient option, still safer than living with him.
There’s no restraining order, I requested that he doesn’t contact me except through text.
He went in court to defend an order to prevent abuse and he was made to sign ab undertaking, he is a good actor, crying and acting distressed, he got away with a far less serious order. But there police safety netting precautions in place to ensure if he makes even slightest move to intimidate me the response will be on emergency basis.
Thank you for all the advice, I will surely get a solicitor to address all the issues with career and custody.

[kells76]

Hi again Tangled mangled;

Glad to hear that the boys' school has been very supportive. It's great they have a place to go where they are cared for and away from conflict.

It may be for the better that their dad is not attending the social services/school meeting. My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits (and is married to a man with many NPD traits), and I dread school services meetings where they'll be there. The focus inevitably turns to them and how wonderful they are, instead of what the kids need. I hope that with just you there, the meeting was peaceful and focused on meeting your boys' needs.

As you take next steps such as interviewing solicitors, please feel free to look at our Family Law board (shared board with Conflicted relationships & Coparenting). You're welcome to post over there as well, to get support with legal issues and/or divorcing and child custody.

Finally, as SaltyDawg suggests:

Make yourself a priority and your children too.  Self-care is of paramount importance, so you can take care of yourself, and your children.

I hope you can find some moments to take care of yourself and recharge, so you can be on an even keel and best support your kids. I wonder if you have any family or friends who would care for the boys for a day or evening, so you can have time to yourself? 8 & 5 can be so high energy and very draining, despite all the love you have for them!

Good to hear back from you;

kells76

[SaltyDawg]

I was in a joint meeting with social services and school today and my husband did not attend. He feels embarrassed that all these outside organisations have got involved.
One thing I have learned so far is not to sit quietly even if you have the tiniest idea that you are being abused.
Perpetrators feel empowered by silence. One of the YouTubers Sam Vaknin said exposure disinfectants abuse.
You have done your homework.  Keep up the good work, it is a tough road to follow, but I know you can do it.  Abusers hate the spotlight on them and will do a lot to avoid being in it - not attending the meeting is a clear example.

I don’t know how you manage to put up with your UBPD wife, this kind of abuse is damaging to the mental health.
Well, let's call it experience.  I had a partially invalidating childhood where I was emotionally abandoned for two years.  My current relationship is actually a lot better than my previous one which had a really messed up woman who was both NPD and BPD along with other issues.  So, I really don't have a sense of what normal is.  I also have issues such as co-dependency as well because of that.  It is unhealthy; however, the trama bond is strong, so I just put up with it.

My husband is the low functioning type and he was hoping to leverage by getting married to someone highly educated, he thought this will take away the need for him to get educated.
This in addition to the lack of safety in the relationship. I felt like I was becoming his mother and carer , he is only a yr older than I am. The relationship was starting to look like that between a badly behaved teenager and parent.
My wife presents as a lower functioning conventional when she is triggered a lot and on rare occasion has become physically violent, even though it didn't hurt much; otherwise her baseline is a higher functioning invisible.  She is incredibly smart, valedictorean smart.  She is more motivated that I am, but I think there is a OCPD comorbidity there.  We are similarly educated BS with professional licenses, and earn similar amounts.

I have made some progress today with moving out but it’s going to be a short term very inconvenient option, still safer than living with him.
There’s no restraining order, I requested that he doesn’t contact me except through text.
He went in court to defend an order to prevent abuse and he was made to sign ab undertaking, he is a good actor, crying and acting distressed, he got away with a far less serious order. But there police safety netting precautions in place to ensure if he makes even slightest move to intimidate me the response will be on emergency basis.
Thank you for all the advice, I will surely get a solicitor to address all the issues with career and custody.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what needs to be done.  Stay the course, do what is best for you and your children.  Take care.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you Kells76

It may be for the better that their dad is not attending the social services/school meeting. My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits (and is married to a man with many NPD traits), and I dread school services meetings where they'll be there. The focus inevitably turns to them and how wonderful they are, instead of what the kids need. I hope that with just you there, the meeting was peaceful and focused on meeting your boys' need



That’s right. The thought of being in the same room listening to him make the whole meeting about him made me feel physically ill.
He looks quite pitiful at the moment. He works out intensely 7 days a week but there’s no healthy glow or health in him. He looks miserable and imagining him crying like a wounded animal at the meeting was going to be the least productive in our situation.
I’m away from family and friends but in honesty, they were abusive to me growing up and I imagine they are enjoying the fact that I am going through a divorce. My husband makes contact with my family and my mum has reassured him that he will always be family no matter what happens. I could care less as long as they all don’t have access to me.
I have friends but since waking up to this knowledge of cluster B personalities I have had reevaluate friendships. As someone who is codependent I have managed to surround myself with people with either narc/ bpd traits. I plan on working on my attachment styles and the type of people I grant access to.

The boys are a handful definitely and I plan on getting a babysitter to help out soon as I move out to somewhere safe.
I do very little for self-care because I have noticed he gets more abusive if he notices me show signs that I am thriving like working out or yoga.But I watch my diet and hygiene as the minimum.
Thank you again, it helps to feel like I share what’s going on without judgement and I feel validated.

[Tangled mangled]

Hi SaltyDawg,

Your reply
My wife presents as a lower functioning conventional when she is triggered a lot and on rare occasion has become physically violent, even though it didn't hurt much; otherwise her baseline is a higher functioning invisible.  She is incredibly smart, valedictorean smart.  She is more motivated that I am, but I think there is a OCPD comorbidity there.  We are similarly educated BS with professional licenses, and earn similar amounts

I suppose it does help that she’s high functioning and has a professional license so atleast no matter how violent she gets she may still have some sense in her. So that’s your safety netting and earning similar amounts helps in risk management. She is also self aware enough to seek help. I have heard that most bpd get resolved with treatment after the age of 40 so your wife may luckily be on the side of positive stats.

You mentioned being  a codependent. That’s the number one quality that survivors of cluster B abuse have in common.

 My situation is similar but I imagine far worse as I was raised in a family with cluster B parents who were psychologically, physically and emotionally abusive. I was neglected and parentified from the age of 8. I only found out this year that my response to my child hood trauma is mainly fight and fawning- I honestly thought I was a kind and generous person. I acknowledge that I have pathological empathy and in my career this is problematic.
I watch YouTubers Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin ( he is a self aware narc and medically trained).
I have fears of ending up with another cluster b as a partner and that just makes me feel hopeless. It seems as a codependent I have a need to feel needed and that’s what got me where I am rn with a disordered husband.
I have noticed that I can usually sense a narc but the bpd can be hard to detect until they have planted poisonous seeds within the relationship.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband is a primary psychopath- he has said things that are quite worrying and he was callous when I was in labour doing exactly what I begged him not to do.

Thanks again and I wish you well on your healing journey.

[SaltyDawg]

Tangled Mangled:

I suppose it does help that she’s high functioning and has a professional license so at least no matter how violent she gets she may still have some sense in her. So that’s your safety netting and earning similar amounts helps in risk management. She is also self aware enough to seek help. I have heard that most bpd get resolved with treatment after the age of 40 so your wife may luckily be on the side of positive stats.
While the age 40/50 rule is often quoted by T's -- there is always the exception to the rule, and my wife is that exception.  Up until two months ago, my wife was getting worse, and she is 51 at the moment.  The only reason why she is self-aware, is that it took every bit of my energy, and some unintended consequences for her to become 'self-aware' of the issues that she has, and she is only partially self-aware.  She brought me to counseling to fix me; however, she had the T's convinced I was the one who was F- up.  However, she made her mistakes [presented major symptoms of splitting/rage], in session, and admitted to the ones out of session [domestic violence, projection of violence, etc.], combined with the assistance of the T who thought I was F- up, helped me out in the end by telling me I could communicate directly with my wife's T about my concerns before she abandoned us, I did so gently shared my concerns with my wife present and her T, and listed the more obvious symptoms in a separate e-mail that highlighted the non-obvious ones of my wife.  Her T's refuse to diagnose, as they refuse to chase her away.  My T's & experts validate my opinion in the first and 3rd person opinion after grilling me on my opinion and agree with it.  I have studied borderlines on Facebook groups that I cannot mention here [policy violation] to figure out the common thought processes.  Several hundred hours of effort later, there is progress [all this since June when I first became aware of BPD].  Progress started in September, however, it wasn't until two weeks ago did I become certain of it, and even then there are setbacks, even this morning she did punch me [first punch since June], and that is only because she got angry at herself, and I was in the way when I got up to help her out -- she immediately apologized for it, recognized her wrong [previously she was incapable of this], so I didn't execute a 911 call and inform the T as part of the boundary that I established -- I will discuss this with my individual T tomorrow if I did the right thing, for the right reason.  Keep in mind, what I am sharing is ultra-rare, and is the extreme exception, not the rule.  

You mentioned being  a codependent. That’s the number one quality that survivors of cluster B abuse have in common.
I was emotionally abandoned by my parents in the 10-11th grades of my childhood to deal with a brother who was in and out of psych institutions for ADHD which was brand new in the early 80's before it became popular in the 90's.  Other than neglect, there was no intentional abuse there.

My situation is similar but I imagine far worse as I was raised in a family with cluster B parents who were psychologically, physically and emotionally abusive. I was neglected and parentified from the age of 8. I only found out this year that my response to my child hood trauma is mainly fight and fawning- I honestly thought I was a kind and generous person. I acknowledge that I have pathological empathy and in my career this is problematic.
I watch YouTubers Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin ( he is a self aware narc and medically trained).
I have fears of ending up with another cluster b as a partner and that just makes me feel hopeless. It seems as a codependent I have a need to feel needed and that’s what got me where I am rn with a disordered husband.
I have noticed that I can usually sense a narc but the bpd can be hard to detect until they have planted poisonous seeds within the relationship.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband is a primary psychopath- he has said things that are quite worrying and he was callous when I was in labour doing exactly what I begged him not to do.

I am sorry that you had to endure that as a child and the present behavior from your husband.  I agree with your assessment that NPD is a lot easier to spot that BPD, as a previous gf was uBPD/NPD and I was able to make a clean break when she discarded me for other supply -- so your theory about attracting cluster B PD's is an accurate one.  Please read the following book, it described my situation perfectly: "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" - by Margalis Fjelstad  (she is retired, but will answer a basic e-mail).  There is also another thread on BPDfamily, with a list of traits that cluster B's have to be on the lookout for, it links to others as well:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353716.0;topicseen.  In my opinion, the biggest things to look out for are hypersexualization, impulsive behaviors, wearing their emotions on their sleeve with no emotional filter on their mouth, and oversharing -- all of the other symptoms mentioned in the linked thread didn't manifest themselves until after we were married in my case.

Thanks again and I wish you well on your healing journey.
Even with today's setback, where my wife punched me, there is progress forward in my relationship -- thanks for your well wishes, and I am thankful for all those who are praying that I know about, and those I don't.

[Tangled mangled]

Hi SaltyDawg

I must apologise for my long winding unedited reply.



 Thank you for sharing your experience and for the recommendations, books and advise.  It definitely helps reading other peoples experiences to know that I am not alone.


Sad that your wife is the exception to the 40/50 rule. Hoping for your sake that the effort at therapy is not bread crumbing.I have read that they will go to great lengths to avoid abandonment, going to therapy might be what she is using to hold on to the relationship.
 Mine once asked me if I go to college will you stay with me? I responded saying you have to do things because you want or need to not because of me. That’s simply not a question I should be answering after 10 years of me being toxically hopefully that he will do something with his life.

I can relate to giving all your energy to a BPD, it’s draining and unrewarding. They seem good  at giving you tiny drops of oil to keep the toxic wheel spinning.
 


Oh my that’s hard  , they usually do not own up to their mistakes or flaws. It’s always someone else’s fault , it’s like living with a 4 year old that’s stuck in an adults body.

That’s wise of the T, but how do you attempt to solve a problem if they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem.

I’m totally baffled that she showed rage/splitting outside the home, she must’ve felt really safe with her T. Usually they shift from demon to saints when dealing with anyone else outside the relationship.




Going through this nightmare, validation is so important. It’s such a lonely journey and in the wrong hands ( wrong T/ counsellors) it can go pear shaped.

The threat of calling the police usually keeps them in line. I wonder if she apologised to prevent you from taking actions as per your boundaries. Remember that if she can get away with it once , she may continue to do it. All she has to do to stop you is display pseudo remorse.

I have learned the hard way that BPD are secondary psychopaths , I can’t wrap my head around manipulation and exploitation.
Sometimes I still doubt what’s happened with my ex. I feel like it’s a nightmare that I will soon wake up from. I take pictures of broken items around the home to remind me that I am not crazy.





I’m sorry to hear about your sibling diagnosed with ADHD, that’s another condition that can be life draining. If you don’t mind me asking, how is your brother now?

I have been looking at the relationship between ADHD and cluster B abuse. Dr Gabor Mate supports this hypothesis that ADHD is infact a trauma response. I totally agree with his claim . I have undiagnosed Adhd- and I think my ex used this against me. My sons are showing signs of adhd because of the stress we have all been through.
I’m currently seeking assessment for my older son and myself.

I wonder how your children are handling the stress at home?
 It can’t be easy living with a parent that’s disordered.

 It’s strange how I always felt my relationship with my own mother was not normal but I had guilt for not accepting it as the norm. I believe my mother has BPD, she’s a high functioning BPD who is a teacher. She had severe abandonment issues related to civil war and my dad lost his mother as a child. They both had childhood trauma and my mum treated me like I was her mother. She actually vocalised it saying to me I have such high regard for you like you are my mother. This was her response to the teenage me that was crying and collapsing under the weight of her demands.
My dad is a university lecturer, I think he’s a narc because he was special to his mum. He was severely neglected as a child following her death. They had 8 of us, 2 girls and I am the older girl. My parents are practicing Christians well regarded in the church.

Strange how despite my educational background in medicine and social care, it’s taking me half a decade to accept that I had been dealing with unresolved child hood trauma and abuse.



I will definitely look up what you have suggested here. Thank you,

In my opinion, the biggest things to look out for are hypersexualization, impulsive behaviors, wearing their emotions on their sleeve with no emotional filter on their mouth, and oversharing -- all of the other symptoms mentioned in the linked thread didn't manifest themselves until after we were married in my case.



The lack of emotional filter is a huge give away. Thank you for pointing this out. Looking back at my relationship with a few friends that I suspect have BPD , the lack of emotional filter stands out. I now understand why they seemed off right at the beginning. It takes a high degree of self awareness to spot this as a toxic trait , in this age of over sharing with social media etc.

 

I’m also learning to watch my energy around these folks. If they drain me of energy, I have to acknowledge that and act on it quickly. Im an introvert so I can easily sense my loss of energy but chose to ignore this in the past.



Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and for the validation. I truly appreciate your contribution SaltyDawg. It’s like chatting with a distant, caring family member.


I pray that you continue to grow in discernment and love for yourself.

[SaltyDawg]

Sad that your wife is the exception to the 40/50 rule. Hoping for your sake that the effort at therapy is not bread crumbing.I have read that they will go to great lengths to avoid abandonment, going to therapy might be what she is using to hold on to the relationship.
I hope and pray that you are wrong about the 'bread crumbing'; however, I have been reassured by the couple's T that she isn't.  My wife has also set a goal by February that suggests otherwise as well.  I do know that there is abandonment issues going on there; however, I should have a definite answer in the next 60 days.  For the moment, I do have hope.  I will continue to "Hope and Pray for the best; however, I will continue to prepare for the worst".

I can relate to giving all your energy to a BPD, it’s draining and unrewarding. They seem good at giving you tiny drops of oil to keep the toxic wheel spinning.
I do like your analogy.

I previously said, "she is only partially self-aware.  She brought me to counseling to fix me; however, she had the T's convinced I was the one who was F- up." to which you reponded
Oh my that’s hard  , they usually do not own up to their mistakes or flaws. It’s always someone else’s fault , it’s like living with a 4 year old that’s stuck in an adults body.
I agree, and it certainly appeared that way.  However, I do believe it was her love as a mother when her child called her a monster, is what changed her.

That’s wise of the T, but how do you attempt to solve a problem if they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem.
I’m totally baffled that she showed rage/splitting outside the home, she must’ve felt really safe with her T. Usually they shift from demon to saints when dealing with anyone else outside the relationship.
If they don't acknowledge the problem, there is no fixing the problem.  They must become self-aware to fix themselves.
#MeToo on being baffled - the 'wise-T' f- up and mis-recognized the narrative that my wife was painting of me being black.  The 'wise-T' also did a boatload of countertransference on me with obvious gaslighting in order to gain my wife's trust to keep her in Therapy, but it was actually being misdirected to me.  Myself, being a 'caretaker' I sensed that the T had previously dealt with her own issues, including but not limited to an ED, likely a variant of nervosa.  They way she talked about sex, she was likely abused by a previous partner or a relative when she was younger.  I did some research on her, and her H is more than a dozen years older than she is which is a .  She is also the owner of a failed animal rescue and deals with animals -- it is the T's stated preference that she prefers to deal with animals over humans.  Her failure to handle my wife's suicide attempt correctly [failed to admit her for observation] when doing a homework assignment that the T assigned which triggered the suicide attempt.

Going through this nightmare, validation is so important. It’s such a lonely journey and in the wrong hands ( wrong T/ counsellors) it can go pear shaped.
It did; however, the 'wise-T' I feel eventually figured it out, and pointed me in the right direction just before baled, as she knew she had lost the trust of me, even though my wife still professed a preference to keep her [likely as she was able to manipulate her to her narrative].

The threat of calling the police usually keeps them in line. I wonder if she apologised to prevent you from taking actions as per your boundaries. Remember that if she can get away with it once , she may continue to do it. All she has to do to stop is display pseudo remorse.
That's my thought process as well.  It will be addressed at our next couple's T at the urging of my individual T.

I have learned the hard way that BPD are secondary psychopaths , I will never be able to wrap my head around manipulation and exploitation.
Sometimes I still doubt what’s happened with my ex. I feel like it’s a nightmare that I will soon wake up from. I take pictures of broken items around the home to remind me that I am not crazy.
I sure hope she is not a psychopath.  The only bit of good news, if you want to call it that, is that my pwBPD doesn't break stuff around the home.

I’m sorry to hear about your sibling diagnosed with ADHD, that’s another condition that can be life draining. If you don’t mind me asking, how is your brother now?

It took him to get into his early 40's before bringing himself around, he has grown out of his, and has learned to effectively manage it all on his own. 

I have been looking at the relationship between ADHD and cluster B abuse. Dr Gabor Mate supports this hypothesis that ADHD is infact a trauma response. I totally agree with his claim . I have undiagnosed Adhd- and I think my ex used this against me. My sons are showing signs of adhd because of the stress we have all been through.
I’m currently seeking assessment for my older son and myself.

I wonder how your children are handling the stress at home?
 It can’t be easy living with a parent that’s disordered. It’s strange how I always felt my relationship with my own mother was not normal but I had guilt for not accepting it as the norm. I believe my mother has BPD, she’s a high functioning BPD who is a teacher. She had severe abandonment issues related to civil war and my dad lost his mother as a child. They both had childhood trauma and my mum treated me like I was her mother. She actually vocalised it saying to me I have such high regard for you like you are my mother. This was her response to the teenage me that was crying and collapsing under the weight of her demands.
My dad is a university lecturer, I think he’s a narc because he was special to his mum. He was severely neglected as a child following her death. They had 8 of us, 2 girls and I am the older girl. My parents are practicing Christians well regarded in the church.

Strange how despite my educational background in medicine and social care, it’s taking me half a decade to accept that I had been dealing with unresolved child hood trauma and abuse.

Regarding my children, once I recognized how bad it was, I was motivated to do the intervention style [not recommended by anyone] because of the children as that would be the fastest way to reverse the damaging behavior and hopefully mitigate the emotional damage that has already occurred.

D16, has dAN, nicely recovered at the moment, that has morphed into uOCPD.  She is fully transformed into our caretaker with full parentification - this really sucks.  She rejects therapy since I am her jailer for the AN treatment 3 years ago starting at age 12.  My daughter is very much aware of how f- up and toxic my relationship with my wife is.

S11, likely has uADHD & has early signs of uNPD/BPD himself.  However he is in therapy for oppositional defiance tendencies, and these have largely been mitigated which I recognized the borderline-like splitting/raging patterns similar to my wife with the difference that he apologizes and is remorseful after the fact.  He is too young to be diagnosed; however, research indicates that these patterns can form at an age as young as 10.  He is also oblivious to what is going on around him, except for my wife's rages which he has described to me with amazing accuracy.

We are also practicing Christians and are well regarded at church - I hope this is not another trait.  I have limited medical training [roughly AEMT equivalent] which does not deal with mental health at all -- it took me 10 days to wrap my head around BPD once my individual T introduced the topic to me by blurting out the obvious to the description of my interactions with my wife, which was followed by hundreds of hours of research to get this far, and I am still not there all the way.  My wife was top of her class smart, as is my daughter, and my son is also straight-A's and not too far behind.  Being straight-A's across the board makes them high-functioning, and not diagnosable according to the medical professionals, as they are exceeding the standards.  I am the dumb one with a B+ average when I was in high school - in retrospect, I guess I am thankful that I not 'too smart' for my own good, even though I am entrapped with my own codependency issues.

I will definitely look up what you have suggested here. Thank you,  You are welcome.  There is so much information out there.  Most of it says to 'run' - I would agree to that if children were not involved.  Other than DBT there are very few effective strategies in dealing with pw-uBPD.   DBT is not being practiced by any of the current T's at the moment.  So, my next hurdle is getting the T's to move to DBT.


The lack of emotional filter is a huge give away. Thank you for pointing this out. Looking back at my relationship with a few friends that I suspect have BPD , the lack of emotional filter stands out. I now understand why they seemed off right at the beginning. It takes a high degree of self awareness to spot this as a toxic trait , in this age of over sharing with social media etc.
I figured this trait out by studying a FB group for borderlines by borderlines.  I cannot post the link here as it is against bpdfamily.com's policy and I have already been moderated on it -- I feel this information is important enough to share publicly that I will state it anyways in hopes that it is seen in context.

I’m also learning to watch my energy around these folks. If they drain me of energy, I have to acknowledge that and act on it quickly. Im an introvert so I can easily sense my loss of energy but chose to ignore this in the past.
I'm still learning.  It has taken me half a century, but I am still learning.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and for the validation. I truly appreciate your contribution SaltyDawg. It’s like chatting with a distant, caring family member.
Likewise, I appreciate your thoughts and validation as you have additionally validated what my individual T has recommended that I do with regards to following up on the punching incident.  I hate confrontation, but it is necessary to maintain healthy boundaries with my pwBPD.

If you have any other comments, observations, and insights, I would be more than willing to welcome those as well.

Thanks for listening, and thank you for your time and your valuable insights.

Take care and most importantly practice self-care.

[Tangled mangled]

SaltyDawg

You wrote:
I do have hope.  I will continue to "Hope and Pray for the best; however, I will continue to prepare for the worst".

That’s a realistic approach to your situation, after reading the rest of your reply especially the impact of your wife’s bpd on the children it makes total sense to stick it out a little longer. I can see you are running out of time in terms of your daughter’s age, but looks like you have got her covered. She sounds quite aware of mum’s situation.

You wrote:
I agree, and it certainly appeared that way.  However, I do believe it was her love as a mother when her child called her a monster, is what changed her.

Please note that a bpd’s love for their children is as shaky as their temperament, my experience with my mum felt like love too, there was pseudo remorse here and there, but when PLEASE READ hits the fan, the ugly monster does pop up to cancel whatever love she had. Speaking from my own experience, I thought my mother was my best friend but whenever our home environment changed eg holidays, or someone else visiting or dad being at home more than usual, I was her automatic punching bag. Readily available to take on the carnage, she never physically lashed out at dad, dad was the physical abuser of mum and mum took out her vengeance on me and my siblings.I now see how I was isolated deliberately to meet mum’s needs. They will say things about my friends and I was never allowed to meet friends outside school hours because I was the full time maid at home and they were protecting me from ‘teenage pregnancy’.

What you have described about her therapist made total sense. She found someone who could accept her BS to reinforce gaslighting you to believe you were the abuser- classic BPD triangulation there…I hope the progress she is making is with a different therapist? In any case DBT is great step moving forward.

You wrote:

D16, has dAN, nicely recovered at the moment, that has morphed into uOCPD.  She is fully transformed into our caretaker with full parentification - this really sucks.  She rejects therapy since I am her jailer for the AN treatment 3 years ago starting at age 12.  My daughter is very much aware of how f- up and toxic my relationship with my wife is.

Your daughters trauma response is quite obvious , sadly she will feel so strongly and responsible for her role as a caretaker and therapist for your wife. I was my mum’s only therapist and know the feeling.
At least you are doing a great job as dad.
1) you are very aware, 2) you are firm with her sticking out treatment- I can imagine your bpd wife weaponising your firmness by making your daughter believe your being an a*hole that’s controlling.
She’s 16 and will be going to college soon , I will encourage your daughter to be independent as possible: driving license, managing money, a bit worldly wisdom in addition to being book smart ( she already is).  It’s important she learns to self care as much as possible. Let her go on field trips for her age. Kick boxing, martial arts- she needs to develop a counter balanced mind set of her own, believe me her relationship with mum is like a virus within her. It’s not love is trauma bond.

Just to mention, not saying your daughter is but have you considered the possibility that she might be on the autism spectrum? Has she had an assessment? in medicine , anorexia N is warning flag for autism. I’m glad to hear she has overcome this but it’s worth looking into if you haven’t already. And also the OCPD you mentioned…

You wrote:

likely has uADHD & has early signs of uNPD/BPD himself.  However he is in therapy for oppositional defiance tendencies, and these have largely been mitigated which I recognized the borderline-like splitting/raging patterns similar to my wife with the difference that he apologizes and is remorseful after the fact.  He is too young to be diagnosed; however, research indicates that these patterns can form at an age as young as 10.  He is also oblivious to what is going on around him, except for my wife's rages which he has described to me with amazing accuracy.

My older son 8, is quite similar to yours. He drains the life out of me. Strange you have just validated my thoughts about oppositional defiance tendencies, it’s the major issue I have had with my son. He is getting better though his teachers have also mentioned he shows signs of black and white thinking. The literature says it’s common in 8year olds. I can imagine the dynamics are different when it’s mum with bpd as opposed to dad. My son has potential to be book smart but has up till recently leaned towards being low functioning like dad. He is among the youngest in his class so that’s had an effect on him but I’m not taking any of his BS. I encourage him to reflect on his PLEASE READty actions and do not compromise when it comes to consequences eg taking away screen time. It’s been effective. He is also very rude like dad and doesn’t like it when I’m home because he gets away with bad behaviour with dad. Dad is also brainwashing them to believe I am crazy.

Like you have done, I am considering therapy soon as I move homes.





One of the negative effects of having cluster B parents that I have come to realise is being shy and submissive to total strangers. Fear of being assertive as well fawning- everyone knows better me. I’m working on my  codependent traits. This is quickly turning into something close to I do not give a flying f*ck nowadays!  I hope I can navigate this mess soon as I’m out of harms way.
You wrote:

….also practicing Christians and are well regarded at church - I hope this is not another trait.  I have limited medical training [roughly AEMT equivalent] which does not deal with mental health at all -- it took me 10 days to wrap my head around BPD once my individual T introduced the topic to me by blurting out the obvious to the description of my interactions with my wife, which was followed by hundreds of hours of research to get this far, and I am still not there all the way.  My wife was top of her class smart, as is my daughter, and my son is also straight-A's and not too far behind.  Being straight-A's across the board makes them high-functioning, and not diagnosable according to the medical professionals, as they are exceeding the standards.  I am the dumb one with a B+ average when I was in high school - in retrospect, I guess I am thankful that I not 'too smart' for my own good, even though I am entrapped with my own codependency issues.


About Christianity, I think it does enable cluster B damage, in my case it contributed to prolonging the suffering. Some of the teachings are just manuscripts for how to absorb cluster B abuse: turn the other cheek, forgive 70x 7 times, honour your parents that your days may be long, without clear definition of what it means to honour your parents ( this was the only part of the bible my dad loved to quote). The list goes on….


Book smart: I’m far from book smart, I have always being average that explains why I am still trying to get my medical training in my 30s. I know I am intelligent but life has not yet permitted me the chance to shine or at least be- I’ve been in survival mode for most of my life. You are not alone in this.

Also, most medical schools do not train doctors recognise psychiatric illnesses but just have a vague idea. It’s left to the psychiatrist and I’ve heard that BPD patients are a huge turnoff for psychiatrist’s- your guess as good as mine. I heard a good number of psychiatrist and therapist have changed professions because of BPD.
My medical school allows us only about 5 weeks in total of psychiatric placement. And we only meet people in crises. The only time I may have come across a BPD patient is when they suicidal or anorexic. So apart from that I was totally unaware of the condition. We are only taught  what’s contained in the DSM criteria, very briefly.

I didn’t know I was living with a full blown BPD and possibly comorbid ASPD , even though I was suffering on a daily basis. I have taken a year off training to deal with the damage it’s causing to me and my children.

BPD and Psychopathy:
there’s plenty of literature out there. There are suggestions that they are factor 2 psychopaths. Sam Vaknin explores BPD to great lengths.
 She may not break things at home or you may not notice what she’s been doing. It took me a year to figure this out eg the TV got broken during a house move. I thought the movers deliberately poked a pointed item through the box. When I complained about it, he assured me it was most likely by mistake. Recently he has been breaking glasses, I’ve just noticed a pattern to it. On Friday last week we were meant to attend court for child custody arrangements , he was moaning non stop on Thursday night , I didn’t engage. He was saying God will not help me, he even thinks he has control over that. Friday evening I realised a tiny mug my 5year old received for Christmas,for his hot chocolate  is broken. The little one said dad broke it by mistake.

When I was away for my course, the padding for the piano bench and a foot stool got damaged , he blamed my then 4 year old. Holes appear on the childrens clothes too. I may sound petty with the list of items. It’s done in a way that you will think oh this can happen anyway. Scratch on the vehicle’s drivers window. Very innocently done, or repair work gone awfully wrong. Burnt food, unexplained damage to something that’s precious to you or the children…the tendency to kill joy and peace I’m sure that’s been part of your experience.

Thank you for your insights and contributions to this rabbit hole navigation of BPD nightmare.

I remain open to advise, recommendations. I continue to learn sadly from yours and others on this forum . Take care of yourself.

[SaltyDawg]

That’s a realistic approach to your situation, after reading the rest of your reply especially the impact of your wife’s bpd on the children it makes total sense to stick it out a little longer. I can see you are running out of time in terms of your daughter’s age, but looks like you have got her covered. She sounds quite aware of mum’s situation.
Thanks for the compliment; however, it would seem that she has me covered with her parentification -- she and I had a really good conversation about all of this mess this evening, and she has an excellent head on this -- I couldn't be more proud of her, and she has respect for me, and that respect is mutual, and we understand each other.

Please note that a bpd’s love for their children is as shaky as their temperament, my experience with my mum felt like love too, there was pseudo remorse here and there, but when hits the fan, the ugly monster does pop up to cancel whatever love she had. Speaking from my own experience, I thought my mother was my best friend but whenever our home environment changed eg holidays, or someone else visiting or dad being at home more than usual, I was her automatic punching bag. Readily available to take on the carnage, she never physically lashed out at dad, dad was the physical abuser of mum and mum took out her vengeance on me and my siblings.I now see how I was isolated deliberately to meet mum’s needs. They will say things about my friends and I was never allowed to meet friends outside school hours because I was the full time maid at home and they were protecting me from ‘teenage pregnancy’.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I will definitely be on the lookout for pseudo-remorse.
Time will tell, it seems to be genuine, even though there have been a few set-backs where the ugly monster has resurfaced momentarily, as it is a complete and intentional shift in her attitude.  Until she overwhelming shows me otherwise, at least for now I am choosing to believe that her effort is a genuine one.  I own, that I have been neglectful, since I was a sailor, and was out of the picture way too much for my children doing my job so they could live [even though that sounds resentful, I did it because I wanted to, and it meant sacrificing time that has been so damaging when viewed in hindsight].  However, my wife, is totally different.  I am making it up for lost time, and I am building a much stronger relationship with both of my children -- and it is a blessing, as I feel that I am actually mitigating the emotional damage that has already occurred, and if anything reversing some of it.

What you have described about her therapist made total sense. She found someone who could accept her BS to reinforce gaslighting you to believe you were the abuser- classic BPD triangulation there…I hope the progress she is making is with a different therapist? In any case DBT is great step moving forward.
Yep, and it sucks.  However, I personally believe that the T eventually 'saw the light' [after my wife displayed several symptoms/traits of the borderline in front of her] and she gave me some incredible tools to mitigate her [the T's] f- up -- and progress is finally being made; however, keep in mind this is the rare exception to the rule.

Your daughters trauma response is quite obvious , sadly she will feel so strongly and responsible for her role as a caretaker and therapist for your wife. I was my mum’s only therapist and know the feeling.
At least you are doing a great job as dad.
1) you are very aware, 2) you are firm with her sticking out treatment- I can imagine your bpd wife weaponising your firmness by making your daughter believe your being an a*hole that’s controlling.
I agree with the trauma response, initially it was the AN, but that has shifted to OCPD and perhaps Autism as she mentioned to me this evening.  She is ultra-high-functioning and ultra-smart - she is a prodigy.

She’s 16 and will be going to college soon , I will encourage your daughter to be independent as possible: driving license, managing money, a bit worldly wisdom in addition to being book smart ( she already is).  It’s important she learns to self care as much as possible. Let her go on field trips for her age. Kick boxing, martial arts- she needs to develop a counter balanced mind set of her own, believe me her relationship with mum is like a virus within her. It’s not love is trauma bond.

Just to mention, not saying your daughter is but have you considered the possibility that she might be on the autism spectrum? Has she had an assessment? in medicine , anorexia N is warning flag for autism. I’m glad to hear she has overcome this but it’s worth looking into if you haven’t already. And also the OCPD you mentioned…
Your words are literally 'prophetic' to me [except for the martial arts/kick boxing bit].  My daughter approached me this evening, while my wife was out of the house and talked about all of these things, and more.  My mind is blown, and hers too.  She hates T's, but I gave her some tools for self-assessment for Autism when she asked me about it and made the same connection with AN, she has a very brilliant mind.  She will be starting college two years ahead of schedule, and she will graduate high school with a college degree.

My older son 8, is quite similar to yours. He drains the life out of me. Strange you have just validated my thoughts about oppositional defiance tendencies, it’s the major issue I have had with my son. He is getting better though his teachers have also mentioned he shows signs of black and white thinking. The literature says it’s common in 8year olds. I can imagine the dynamics are different when it’s mum with bpd as opposed to dad. My son has potential to be book smart but has up till recently leaned towards being low functioning like dad. He is among the youngest in his class so that’s had an effect on him but I’m not taking any of his BS. I encourage him to reflect on his  :cursing:ty actions and do not compromise when it comes to consequences eg taking away screen time. It’s been effective. He is also very rude like dad and doesn’t like it when I’m home because he gets away with bad behaviour with dad. Dad is also brainwashing them to believe I am crazy.

Like you have done, I am considering therapy soon as I move homes.
Start therapy for him as soon as you can.  My wife has done her part if formulating the belief that she is crazy.  I am giving my children tools to deal with the behavior.  I also am expressing that we are all going to therapy to make things better and things are not okay -- no reference to crazy in front of the kids, even though I do vent here and in front of my individual therapist and a confidant friend who my children do not know.

One of the negative effects of having cluster B parents that I have come to realise is being shy and submissive to total strangers. Fear of being assertive as well fawning- everyone knows better me. I’m working on my  codependent traits. This is quickly turning into something close to I do not give a flying f*ck nowadays!  I hope I can navigate this mess soon as I’m out of harms way.
Literally an hour ago, when I was having a heart to heart with my D, I gave her tools to recognize this in herself, if it happens, as she did express to me some concerns about this very topics.  Your advise couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me to make this bad situation better.

About Christianity, I think it does enable cluster B damage, in my case it contributed to prolonging the suffering. Some of the teachings are just manuscripts for how to absorb cluster B abuse: turn the other cheek, forgive 70x 7 times, honour your parents that your days may be long, without clear definition of what it means to honour your parents ( this was the only part of the bible my dad loved to quote). The list goes on….
I agree; however, I am concentrating on other scriptures, which would support modern day therapy tools - those are also present.  Just like you can make statistics say anything you want, you can almost do that with scripture too.

Also, most medical schools do not train doctors recognise psychiatric illnesses but just have a vague idea. It’s left to the psychiatrist and I’ve heard that BPD patients are a huge turnoff for psychiatrist’s- your guess as good as mine. I heard a good number of psychiatrist and therapist have changed professions because of BPD.
Big pharm doesn't like it as there is no medicine = no profit that specifically treats BPD, only a few of the symptoms can be managed somewhat by medications usually for a comorbidity.

My medical school allows us only about 5 weeks in total of psychiatric placement. And we only meet people in crises. The only time I may have come across a BPD patient is when they suicidal or anorexic. So apart from that I was totally unaware of the condition. We are only taught  what’s contained in the DSM criteria, very briefly.
Ant that is why I have taken it upon myself to learn as much as I can about it.  Learn to manipulate the situation to make it better [different for each person, btw].  I also learned how the borderline thinks by going to a support group for borderlines managed by borderlines to understand how they think, and adjust my behaviors to avoid their triggers -- initial results after a month are promising.

I didn’t know I was living with a full blown BPD and possibly comorbid ASPD , even though I was suffering on a daily basis. I have taken a year off training to deal with the damage it’s causing to me and my children.
I understand why you are doing this.  I retired early to deal with this, a knee injury, and everything else that is going on.  The pandemic enabled this, and it was a 'blessing in disguise' for me.

BPD and Psychopathy:
there’s plenty of literature out there. There are suggestions that they are factor 2 psychopaths. Sam Vaknin explores BPD to great lengths.
 She may not break things at home or you may not notice what she’s been doing. It took me a year to figure this out eg the TV got broken during a house move. I thought the movers deliberately poked a pointed item through the box. When I complained about it, he assured me it was most likely by mistake. Recently he has been breaking glasses, I’ve just noticed a pattern to it. On Friday last week we were meant to attend court for child custody arrangements , he was moaning non stop on Thursday night , I didn’t engage. He was saying God will not help me, he even thinks he has control over that. Friday evening I realised a tiny mug my 5year old received for Christmas,for his hot chocolate  is broken. The little one said dad broke it by mistake.

When I was away for my course, the padding for the piano bench and a foot stool got damaged , he blamed my then 4 year old. Holes appear on the childrens clothes too. I may sound petty with the list of items. It’s done in a way that you will think oh this can happen anyway. Scratch on the vehicle’s drivers window. Very innocently done, or repair work gone awfully wrong. Burnt food, unexplained damage to something that’s precious to you or the children…the tendency to kill joy and peace I’m sure that’s been part of your experience.
Fortunately, I don't have to deal with that type of  my pwBPD as she doesn't seem to have this mean vindictive streak.  That must be really painful to go through that crap too, I just had the verbal rages, and occasional hits/kicks from mine.  No damage, other than smacking the crap of the wall one time.


Thank you for your insights and contributions to this rabbit hole navigation of BPD nightmare.

I remain open to advise, recommendations. I continue to learn sadly from yours and others on this forum . Take care of yourself.
You are welcome, I am learning too.  It's a crazy ride down the rabbit hole.  I am learning, and learning to adapt.  Only time will tell if it gets any better.

I am hoping and praying for the best, but planning for the worst.