Why does my BPD ex still try and hurt me?

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I remember towards the end of our relationship after a comment made by my exBPDfiance where she interrogated me yet again over whether I took pleasure matters into my own hands without her so to speak when I turned it on her and asked her the same thing where she said that it was something she did every night when I fell asleep and she was an expert at being still and quiet whilst doing so.

Afterwards she slowly in increments came closer until the point where she had her head on my chest and her arm around me. That was too much for me and I went to sleep on the couch. She came out some time later and I said to her "it feels like you just want to keep hurting me" to which she played down the whole incident and told me that she had apologised and that I should get over it.

It was that night that I realised that her actions were those of continually hurting or inflicting pain either emotionally or physically on me, as if somehow she couldn't help but do that. This inflicting pain escalated and now even though we are seven months NC, except for solicitors she continues to attempt to inflict emotional pain through her solicitors letters.

Is she angry with me because I finally set boundaries and wouldn't tolerate her behaviour anymore? Is it because I will not accept her completely unreasonable terms for settlement and the longer it goes the worse it is getting for her legally and financially? Will her efforts to inflict pain on me ever stop?

I try not to take it personally but it still upsets me. None of this was necessary. None of what is happening now is necessary. Is it her still holding on in some fashion and if so why has she not made contact - not that I am desperately holding out hope that she will, just that I feel like I can't move on from this whilst she's still doing this and I think it will linger with me for some time afterwards if and when she does finally stop.

[MincedGarlic]

I remember towards the end of our relationship after a comment made by my exBPDfiance where she interrogated me yet again over whether I took pleasure matters into my own hands without her so to speak when I turned it on her and asked her the same thing where she said that it was something she did every night when I fell asleep and she was an expert at being still and quiet whilst doing so.

Afterwards she slowly in increments came closer until the point where she had her head on my chest and her arm around me. That was too much for me and I went to sleep on the couch. She came out some time later and I said to her "it feels like you just want to keep hurting me" to which she played down the whole incident and told me that she had apologised and that I should get over it.

It was that night that I realised that her actions were those of continually hurting or inflicting pain either emotionally or physically on me, as if somehow she couldn't help but do that. This inflicting pain escalated and now even though we are seven months NC, except for solicitors she continues to attempt to inflict emotional pain through her solicitors letters.

Is she angry with me because I finally set boundaries and wouldn't tolerate her behaviour anymore? Is it because I will not accept her completely unreasonable terms for settlement and the longer it goes the worse it is getting for her legally and financially? Will her efforts to inflict pain on me ever stop?

I try not to take it personally but it still upsets me. None of this was necessary. None of what is happening now is necessary. Is it her still holding on in some fashion and if so why has she not made contact - not that I am desperately holding out hope that she will, just that I feel like I can't move on from this whilst she's still doing this and I think it will linger with me for some time afterwards if and when she does finally stop.

[Mutt]

Hi MincedGarlic,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate with how painful that is when your ex partner seems like she's trying to inflict pain. It's emotionally distressing.

This inflicting pain escalated and now even though we are seven months NC, except for solicitors she continues to attempt to inflict emotional pain through her solicitors letters.

I think that one of the most confusing and painful experiences from a pwBPD is how they see the world and people as either all good or all bad. A symptom of BPD is dychotomous thinking, or black or white thinking, it's a subconscious defense mechanism that protects the pwBPD from anxiety and stress and the collateral damage with the inability to see people as an integrated whole with good and bad qualities, can be destructive. I can relate, you're split black.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Is she angry with me because I finally set boundaries and wouldn't tolerate her behaviour anymore? Is it because I will not accept her completely unreasonable terms for settlement and the longer it goes the worse it is getting for her legally and financially?

She has rigid thought patterns, she cannot see the grey area, she sees only the black or white.

[MincedGarlic]

Thanks Mutt,

I have read on this site about splitting though I guess I missed the Forrest for the trees being bogged down in the detail of my situation.

I think that one of the most confusing and painful experiences from a pwBPD is how they see the world and people as either all good or all bad. A symptom of BPD is dychotomous thinking, or black or white thinking, it's a subconscious defense mechanism that protects the pwBPD from anxiety and stress and the collateral damage with the inability to see people as an integrated whole with good and bad qualities, can be destructive. I can relate, you're split black.

The pain inflicted escalated to physical, I don't make excuses for her behaviour or actions though it was almost as if she couldn't help it and I feel that it is the same now with her irrational behaviour, actions and emotional outbursts through her solicitors letters. Thankfully my solicitor is well experienced in cases of ex BPD partners and as much as I know that she does not do well with solicitors mostly due to the stress I am struggling too as no end seems in sight.

She has been through multiple solicitors and as much as I'm split black I'm wondering if this could also be a case of "I hate you don't leave me" the way it keeps dragging out. I feel like I have no option other than to wait it out and hope that she can let it go if that is possible for her to do.

[Mutt]

She has been through multiple solicitors and as much as I'm split black I'm wondering if this could also be a case of "I hate you don't leave me" the way it keeps dragging out. I feel like I have no option other than to wait it out and hope that she can let it go if that is possible for her to do.

MincedGarlic,

Going through multiple solicitors raises an alarm bell, they may find that she has little validity or that she's difficult to work with? I'm not a legal expert, I can't offer advice in that field, I have gone to criminal and family court with my ex, I understand how emotionally distressing all of this feels. It's tough.

You pay your solicitor hard earned money, he's familiar with ex partners with BPD, if you trust your solicitor and you think that he or she is a good solicitor, I would suggest that you let him or her handle the stress?

I'm wondering if this could also be a case of "I hate you don't leave me" the way it keeps dragging out.

It sounds like her abandonment fears were triggered, a pwBPD fear abandonment and rejection, I think it's very possible that she's trying to get your attention, negative attention is still attention?

Is it court that has you feeling a lot of stress or is it how your ex has switched from Dr Jekyl to Mr Hyde and Mr Hyde has been around for several months? When I was split black, I missed my wife and it seemed like she changed into a completely different person, it was hard.

[JohnnyShoes]

I remember towards the end of our relationship after a comment made by my exBPDfiance where she interrogated me yet again over whether I took pleasure matters into my own hands without her so to speak when I turned it on her and asked her the same thing where she said that it was something she did every night when I fell asleep and she was an expert at being still and quiet whilst doing so.

Afterwards she slowly in increments came closer until the point where she had her head on my chest and her arm around me. That was too much for me and I went to sleep on the couch. She came out some time later and I said to her "it feels like you just want to keep hurting me" to which she played down the whole incident and told me that she had apologised and that I should get over it.

It was that night that I realised that her actions were those of continually hurting or inflicting pain either emotionally or physically on me, as if somehow she couldn't help but do that. This inflicting pain escalated and now even though we are seven months NC, except for solicitors she continues to attempt to inflict emotional pain through her solicitors letters.

Is she angry with me because I finally set boundaries and wouldn't tolerate her behaviour anymore? Is it because I will not accept her completely unreasonable terms for settlement and the longer it goes the worse it is getting for her legally and financially? Will her efforts to inflict pain on me ever stop?

I try not to take it personally but it still upsets me. None of this was necessary. None of what is happening now is necessary. Is it her still holding on in some fashion and if so why has she not made contact - not that I am desperately holding out hope that she will, just that I feel like I can't move on from this whilst she's still doing this and I think it will linger with me for some time afterwards if and when she does finally stop.

Projection?

I'm sure there must be an article here about it. Something PDs do to get rid of such bad emotions... .they get others to express them.

My ex of yesteryear used to do this. When she needed to ":)ump" all her Ill, shameful bad feelings... .She transfer them to me.

Of course this isn't a conscious thing they do... .but it opened my eyes and made sense. Cause I wondered about it.

Possibly she's got these feelings ... and by argument and manipulation, is getting YOU to OWN them, so she don't have to.

Pretty soon, I'd start to feel like I was the crazy one.



Edit note: Transference replaced with projection[/size]

[MincedGarlic]

Hi Mutt,

Going through multiple solicitors raises an alarm bell, they may find that she has little validity or that she's difficult to work with? I'm not a legal expert, I can't offer advice in that field, I have gone to criminal and family court with my ex, I understand how emotionally distressing all of this feels. It's tough.

I agree that she is most likely being told that she is not going to get what she feels that she is entitled to and cycling through them until she can find one that is willing to maintain the conflict because it's an ongoing source of income for them.

You pay your solicitor hard earned money, he's familiar with ex partners with BPD, if you trust your solicitor and you think that he or she is a good solicitor, I would suggest that you let him or her handle the stress?

I'm certainly trying to though the anxiety every time I recieve a new letter doesn't abate.

It sounds like her abandonment fears were triggered, a pwBPD fear abandonment and rejection, I think it's very possible that she's trying to get your attention, negative attention is still attention?

I think the same thing, all the little things like rocking up at my solicitors to bag me out, returing my personal belongings in dribs and drabs under duress, my mail mysteriously disappearing cannot be a coincidence. I'm just ignoring it as I can't think of any better way to deal with it. It's incredibly tough.

Is it court that has you feeling a lot of stress or is it how your ex has switched from Dr Jekyl to Mr Hyde and Mr Hyde has been around for several months? When I was split black, I missed my wife and it seemed like she changed into a completely different person, it was hard.

It's both that I find hard but in not in control of either, I just want it over sooner rather than later and it just about breaks me to see her like this towards me.

[Mutt]

It's both that I find hard but in not in control of either, I just want it over sooner rather than later and it just about breaks me to see her like this towards me.

I completely understand. I bet that it can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting that she won't settle and that things are not in your control. I'm not sure what all of the details are but I had the option with fighting my ex in divorce court with our debts.

I'm not suggesting that you or any other member use what I experienced but it may help, I didn't fight her in court, I chose to go into bankruptcy protection because I know how rigid her thought patterns are and that she has a dependency on others. I wanted it to be over and I didn't want to have things dragged out in court, I wanted to move on. My mental and emotional health is worth more to me than money, I can recuperate from money lost.

This intensity that she is displaying with wanting attention, the dust will eventually settle. It does get better. You lived with her for three years, did she slowly split you black over three years?

[MincedGarlic]

This intensity that she is displaying with wanting attention, the dust will eventually settle. It does get better. You lived with her for three years, did she slowly split you black over three years?

I was never slowly split black. I was white for a while, then black for a few days to a week (I never knew when the sh__ was going to hit the fan next)  and so on until the end where I said that I couldn't do this anymore, which I meant though over the next few weeks tried to resolve the situation. From that point I've been painted black ever since.

At this point everything escalated substancially and I finally set healthy boundaries and wouldn't accept or take responsibility for her behaviour or actions anymore. it is like she won't accept this reality. I do still miss her terribly but no one can have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

I do wonder if at some point she will split me white again because it was not normal (In her world) for her to do this permanently.

[JRT]

It sounds like her abandonment fears were triggered, a pwBPD fear abandonment and rejection, I think it's very possible that she's trying to get your attention, negative attention is still attention?

I would agree with Mutt here... .I am also involved in a lawsuit with mine... .she continues to go to the cops even though they have repeatedly done effectively nothing for which after 4 or 5 times, she must have anticipated. They promised that they would call me but that's all that they have done. This last time, the called me to ask me why I had contacted her even though I had not done so in months!

[Mutt]

MincedGarlic,

Back then, before I arrived to bpdfamily when I was split black all I wanted is to be split white even for a day so I could talk to her and have a proper farewell and say good bye, I didn't understand the anger that was directed at me, it was so much pain. I wanted to make sense of it all. It is the disorder.

Everyone's exe's on the boards are different people and have different severities and traits. I have read posts from members where so were split white in a matter of weeks, months, years and sometimes decades.  I didn't think that I would be split white again because of how angry my eve was but I eventually did get split white. You may find that you may feel different later when you're healing. It really helps to understand BPD pathology, I suggest learn as much as you can about BPD.

[MincedGarlic]

Everyone's exe's on the boards are different people and have different severities and traits. I have read posts from members where so were split white in a matter of weeks, months, years and sometimes decades.  I didn't think that I would be split white again because of how angry my eve was but I eventually did get split white. You may find that you may feel different later when you're healing. It really helps to understand BPD pathology, I suggest learn as much as you can about BPD.

With all the reading I've done on BPD and how scary that it was a complete mirror of the relationship I still have difficulty accepting that she is not well. I am not about to contact her regardless of what seems to be all the attempts for (negative) attention. I'm just over her continues efforts to hurt me / make me suffer / make me feel like she is feeling. It's hard not to take it personally and accept it is her actions because of the disorder. I don't know how to not take it personally.

[griff24]

I can relate to that. It is hard not to take it personally. It is emotionally crippling, which can sometimes cause complete dysfunction in the non-BPD (speaking from experience).

One thing I do know, which is annoying on one level because I figured my exBPD out pretty quickly but important to realise at the same time, is that I/you/all of us could have been anyone, and by anyone I mean anyone who provided the attention that is so desired by the person with BPD.

Hard though it maybe I guess we can take solace in that in that 'they' are 'ill', it is a 'condition' and the things they do and say are actually a reflection of what they feel ('mirroring'. None of us should take it personally because the fact of the matter is (which this site clearly indicates) that people with BPD all share the same character traits and they will treat any and every 'loved' one in exactly the same way.

[naguma]

Bump, need help in same area please.

Basically, took the Mutt route - threw myself under the bus to get free. It's been roughly 7 months of NC, which started when she got a restraining order.

In December she then sent a message one Saturday night saying "I miss you". In January she left a voice mail with basically the same message, she also left a message on facebook she was sure I would see talking about her "significant other". This was about 3 days after unblocking me. During our entire relationship (11 years) I was never elevated to the status of "significant other".

All of this seems like an attempt to cause pain. Her profile picture (shown next to her comment) is one where she is hiding her eyes behind the rim of her glasses. This is something she started doing after we separated. While we were together she she often smiled with her eyes in pictures, now she hides them. Our break up started when I kicked her out after an extreme violence rage. Since then she flipped it around to where everyone thinks she left me and that she was the victim. She spent a lot of effort to hurt.

For her sake and mine, it would be nice if she would move on fully. If throwing yourself under the bus then going NC doesn't work, any other ideas? Need this woman gone and forgotten, there is far too much pain to ever go back - much as there may still be feelings.

Happy to say her manipulations do not have much effect emotionally, but there is a very deep knowledge of the havoc she can wreck if left unattended.