Hello everyone, you can see from my name that i have been looking for a better way. Below is the link to my original post (see below).
I have learned a lot by participating in this forum. I was hesitant to share, but am glad I did. The suggestions, lessons and understanding I have received has been a balm for me. Thank you!
I am giving the r/s another try. This time, it will be different because i am different. In the past, i had approached my r/s problems from the standpoint that he needed to change. He was the one with the problems, etc. etc. Where did that get me? Nowhere! :)oing the same thing but expecting different results - doesn't work out so well.
In the book "Stop Caretaking the BPD or NPD in Your Life" the author says the BPD needs a caretaker. I have made some major moves to stop taking care of things that he should/could do for himself.
For example, I have always gotten up early to make his lunch and fix his breakfast. Once I quit doing these things, he began to do these things for himself. Wow! Now I actually have time to fix my own lunch and eat breakfast before work. :)on't know why it took me so long!
I have also made time to go to dinner with a friend or spend a chunk of time with my daughter and grand daughter. In the past, I have been unable to enjoy doing these things because I was so afraid he would be mad when I got home. If he is unreasonably angry, so what! That is now his problem and not mine.
These are but a few of the examples of progress I have experienced. I am continuing in T and he is reading his Anger Management book.
I know my troubles are not over, but for now they do not seem unmanageable. I hope somebody out there finds encouragement from my post.
There is a better way!
I have been in a relationship with my s/o for over 30 years. We have had good times and bad times. It has been a roller coaster. I thought if I could just do things right my s/o would be happy. Much of the time, I felt that I was just missing something. I didn't understand why he was so unhappy. Consequently, I was unhappy much of the time, too.
Finally, I googled "walking on eggshells" because that is what I felt I was doing. I was surprised to find out that I wasn't the only one walking on eggshells. I ordered the book and workbook. It helped me to feel like I wasn't crazy. Maybe there was a reason for all of the chaos in our relationship. I have been saying for years that I would no longer put up with the awful name calling among other things. Well finally, I left, well actually he forced me out, but this time I have stayed gone for 4 weeks now. I am in therapy. He is "not ready" for therapy, but says he will go to Anger Management, only if I come home first.
I am not inclined to come home because I am finally feeling as if I can breathe. I am hesitant to throw this relationship away, but I am afraid my reason for staying is to make him happy. I realize I am deeply enmeshed in the relationship.
Does anyone else think they may be happier split up, but worry about their s/o?
