Accepting difficult realities of self

[Googie]

I am the Mother of 5 child.  One DD16 has been close to succeeding her wish to leave this earth too many times.  We have had multiple therapists, psychiatrists, support programs, family counselors, all levels of intensive in home therapy, hospitalizations, acute, long term... .   you name it, we've done it since 2000.

I have worked from one side of the spectrum to the other with competent professionals.  Learned so much about the many techniques and therapeutic schools of thought and approaches that when I actually enrolled in ab psych in college two years ago, I was feeling like I was a professional myself, .  Our family has been through everything and anything in order to help my DD get better.  Nothing was working, my other kids started to resent my DD, peripheral issues started to become overwhelming and I realized I was slowly losing my family.  No one wanted to be here, God forbid they should have a friend over (bad things have happened in the past), and no one wanted to be home unless they were the only person in the house.  I have to admit, I totally wanted out, hated to hear the footsteps coming up to the front door, resented everyone and everything after a while.  Miserable.  Pathetic.  Lazy.  Fearful.  Ignorant.  I could name so many adjectives describing what we were all feeling but did not know how to change it or even where to start.

During the first two weeks of my DD's 7th hospitalization, her therapist who I did not know at all told me not to allow myself to think that I am not responsible for creating the traits that we refer to and know as BPD.  I was so angry when I asked him to clarify what he just said, and sure enough, it was exactly what I thought I must have misunderstood.  He was stern, but kind.  He knew what he said to me would make me angry, but it also allowed him to see where I was in my understanding of interpersonal relationships when creating a plan to counter BPD's list of traits.  ESPECIALLY as my role of Mom following the traumatic death of her Dad when she was a baby.

I told me to look into DBT (which I had during a prior hospitalization) and to start reading along with him and my DD in order to be involved and knowledgeable of the purpose of it, the way it works, and the potential outcomes if these skills were incorporated into someone's life to counter BPD thinking and reteach our brains to react differently.  He said it takes dedication and time.  But he said that if I truly wanted to see my daughter get better than I needed to be able to accept the fact that my behavior has been unhealthy (PTSD due to circumstances related to the death her my DD's Dad) no matter if I thought they were not witnessing my "break downs".  I protected them, in my mind, to where they were rarely exposed to my episodes and if anything a white lie would explain why Mommy was sad or mad.

I had to truly accept that even though I never intended to expose them to the wicked way of the real adult world, they indirectly knew and felt the tension.  I agreed to study the DBT workbook along with my DD 250 away.  I was able to slowly wrap my head around the unspoken cues and tension I can pick up on as an adult was just as if not more obvious to my kids.  I thought young kids (<1 year to almost 5 until now almost 16 years later) were unable to pick up on "vibes"

Once I was willing to allow her therapist to dig deeper and explain the impact of the unstable environment I created and lived in for all these years, I was willing to become accountable and responsible to change it.  I did a personal inventory that is identical the the 4th step of AA.  Replace the alcohol with stress, tension, or whatever fits a particular circumstance and the hard work starts.  Hard work is an understatement.  I had to learn to appreciate how imperfect I was and how foolish I had been to think that I had no part to play with the dysfunctional behavior of one or all members of my family.

I worked very hard and never ever want to look at some of the issues that I had to write down and explore with her therapist over the phone.  Yikes.  Craziness.  I thought for sure he would think I was horrible person and an incompetent Mom, but he said never thought that, and I didn't believe him.  He only said that the fact I was just willing to be open to this assignment let him know I was a great Mom, but the fact that I actually followed through with it was a first during his career.  He explained that BPD destroys families and ultimately the person who suffers from BPD finds him/herself alone.  Family and friends have lost the desire to be helpful and are unwilling to subject the,selves to be hurt or experience emotional pain which caused them to estrange themselves from the person suffering from BPD.

I was the only person in our family that was willing to stay involved.  He knew her chances of success was low but would become almost nonexistent if I turned away as well.  What he said made sense. 

The purpose of doing an inventory is to reinforce and strengthen the structure (or bones) of our emotional foundation.  BPD traits such as splitting is effective only because we have weak emotional foundations.  There is an edge they have which is almost comparable to having a sixth sense.  If there is no reinforcement to a weak structure and a tremendous storm comes through, the structure fails and gets damaged, even totaled.  By writing out and acknowledging our part to play in the dysfunction what we are really doing is building a sturdy home that will be more able to withstand the storm. 

Self awareness is so important and has taken the potential devastation that this storm has caused in the past and reduced the potential of devastation down to a slight risk due to the restructuring and reinforcements made to the foundation therefore making the entire home safe and sturdy enough for the homeowner and family to sleep without a worry in the world.  They know they are safe.  I know I am safe now.  I wasn't until this year.

If anyone knows of a personal inventory specific to BPD I would love to take a look at it.  My older children have shown interest in forgiving themselves and becoming able to not be victimized like they have been in the past.

I think everyone should do this.  The world would be a much better place.

Googie 

[raytamtay3]

You are a true inspiration! Thank you for sharing this.

[Googie]

Hi Raytamtay3,

, I'm surprised you "got" what I was trying to get across.  I have become such a better person after looking at what my part to play in the insanity we all experience when we live with or love someone who is BPD.

Googie

[heartandwhole]

Googie,

I want to say that I, too, am inspired by your personal inventory.  It sounds like it takes love, courage, and a whole lot of hard work to come to the place you are.  Your story reminded me of my own FOO issues and how the whole family was dysfunctional, although it seemed that only one of us was acting out (my brother).  Instead, we all contributed to that behavior and while we pushed our pain down as far as we could, he was the one left to express what we could not.

Perhaps that's not scientific, but it really makes sense to me.  I think your post is a great example of growth and I hope more members will take the time to read it and take it in. 

If you'd like to share, was there an understanding about yourself that you can pinpoint during your DBT work that tipped the balance toward more emotional health for you?

Thanks for sharing.  And congratulations on your healing. 

[Googie]

Heart and whole

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE! Once I understood it completely I was lighter in every way.  I can't explain when it happened or why, but one day it just clicked.

Googie

[Katy-Did]

"He explained that BPD destroys families and ultimately the person who suffers from BPD finds him/herself alone.  Family and friends have lost the desire to be helpful and are unwilling to subject the,selves to be hurt or experience emotional pain which caused them to estrange themselves from the person suffering from BPD.

I was the only person in our family that was willing to stay involved.  He knew her chances of success was low but would become almost nonexistent if I turned away as well. "

Wow!  I needed to read this.  It comes at a most opportune time in my life. 

[seeking balance]

Googie,

Thank you for sharing - this is one of the most insightful posts I have ever read. 

Radical acceptance, personal inventory - neither of these skills are easy and the truth is, rarely do people go to this depth... . it can be an isolating process to process how we fit into the equation.

If anyone knows of a personal inventory specific to BPD I would love to take a look at it.  My older children have shown interest in forgiving themselves and becoming able to not be victimized like they have been in the past.

Would this look much different than Coda?  A list of anger, fear, shame?

Brene' Brown talks about shame in particular that keeps us from connecting and being "seen".  By bringing the shame out into the open, we can start to heal and let it go.

Perhaps I have misunderstood what you are asking.

Your courage to share is inspiring - thank you.

Peace,

SB