I need help

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and i have been together for a little over 4 years and married for almost 2 and she has always been quick to shift moods from one extreme to another and with bipolar running in her family i knew,  that that could be a possibility for her. After initially thinking that that what it is and wanting to learn more about it to better understand how to help her and deal with it, i came to the realization, that it could mot be bipolar, due to the rapid and constant changes and the short duration of each phase.
Outside of occasional rage fits and depressive phases we were and still are very happy together and do love one another greatly.
Between both of us now working from home for almost a year and  very little social interaction outside of the two of us, paired with buying, renovating and moving into a new house, her rapid moodswings and severe depressed phases have reached a new high/low, that i don’t know how to handle by myself anymore. I am starting to really struggle and was hoping to find some help, guidance or advice here how others in maybe similar situations deal with it and any strategies they might have come up with to better help and handle things on the day to day and in the long run.

[Phly125]

My wife and i have been together for a little over 4 years and married for almost 2 and she has always been quick to shift moods from one extreme to another and with bipolar running in her family i knew,  that that could be a possibility for her. After initially thinking that that what it is and wanting to learn more about it to better understand how to help her and deal with it, i came to the realization, that it could mot be bipolar, due to the rapid and constant changes and the short duration of each phase.
Outside of occasional rage fits and depressive phases we were and still are very happy together and do love one another greatly.
Between both of us now working from home for almost a year and  very little social interaction outside of the two of us, paired with buying, renovating and moving into a new house, her rapid moodswings and severe depressed phases have reached a new high/low, that i don’t know how to handle by myself anymore. I am starting to really struggle and was hoping to find some help, guidance or advice here how others in maybe similar situations deal with it and any strategies they might have come up with to better help and handle things on the day to day and in the long run.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tvda]

Hi Phly125,

First of all, welcome here. I and we feel your pain - and I'm happy that you found a place where you can get some support, understanding and insight. And that you made a step for yourself to  make things better.

Second, let me start off with some moderate good news: my gut reaction upon reading your story is that you are one of the few people on this board where there is actually still hope and room for improvement. Most people here are totally at their wit's end and in a superclear "run, don't walk" situation. You seem in a more hopeful place.

Of course the pandemic situation and moving/renovating a house have caused a lot of stress. With BPDs being so sensitive to stress this must have made things very difficult for the two of you.

My amateur advice, based on my own experience:
1) Try to "detach" a bit, i.e. let her have her intense cycles of feelings, but don't react to it. Putting things visually, try to see it as a storm raging by your side, as opposed to a raging storm with you in the middle.
2) Consequently, let her have her emotions and try to follow these. If she distances, let her distance. Don't fight it. Don't make your own demands or remarks on this. If she rages, let her rage. If she approaches, let her approach, without remarks from your side (e.g. "last week you didn't want me around, and now you want to be close to me?")
3) Be understanding in your communication. Use set SET principle (support-empathy-truth), and if stress is too high, stick to just support and empathy for now.
4) Let her know, and repeat this often, even in high conflict moments, that you are there for her, that you will never give up on her, and that she is worthy of love and caring.

Now, all of the above might smooth over day to day life a bit, but it comes at an expense, because it is you suppressing your own needs, desires and reactions in order to calm her down. And that's not healthy of course. So, what I would also advise you is:
1) In detaching yourself: find some space for yourself as well. Go running, meditate, take up a hobby or go walking and talk to friends. You need a space where you can let of steam and talk about your own emotions - just not to her, because this might make things too reactive.
2) Find a therapist for yourself. Suppressing your own needs is dangerous. It can eat you up and cause resentment. You need self-care, probably from a professional as well.
3) Think about your own boundaries. Write these down for future reference.
4) When and if things calm down, use SET-communication incorporating the truth-statement, to try and move things a bit towards your own boundaries.

And lastly, and this is a big one:
5) If there are no children yet, think long and hard about wether or not you want to take this step. Kids will increase stress tremendously, will make a potential break-up a million times harder, and might introduce you to the intricacies of needing to shield your child from the damage of a BPD parent.

Be well, and take good care of yourself. And feel free to keep us posted on your day-to-day situation and interactions.