How We Grieve Healthy Relationships versus Disordered Ones

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of my best friends has just passed away. She was old enough to be my mother. She was unbelievably kind to me and a very genuine accomplished person who was interested in other people. I find myself crying and grieving deeply. This is so different from when my mother with BPD passed away. I did not shed a tear and quickly moved on. I felt sad that we were very low contact at the end of her life and did not feel guilty as it was necessary for my well being and healing. Our mind and body know whom we genuinely have loving relationships with.

I often worry how I will feel when some of my disordered relatives die, like my sister with NPD whom I am no contact with. I think many members on this site may worry about how badly they are going to feel when a disordered close relative dies and how guilty they are going to feel or be judged for not doing enough for a disordered relative, especially going low contact or no contact with them.
 

[zachira]

One of my best friends has just passed away. She was old enough to be my mother. She was unbelievably kind to me and a very genuine accomplished person who was interested in other people. I find myself crying and grieving deeply. This is so different from when my mother with BPD passed away. I did not shed a tear and quickly moved on. I felt sad that we were very low contact at the end of her life and did not feel guilty as it was necessary for my well being and healing. Our mind and body know whom we genuinely have loving relationships with.

I often worry how I will feel when some of my disordered relatives die, like my sister with NPD whom I am no contact with. I think many members on this site may worry about how badly they are going to feel when a disordered close relative dies and how guilty they are going to feel or be judged for not doing enough for a disordered relative, especially going low contact or no contact with them.
 

[Swimmy55]

I am sorry for your loss, Zachira.
Thought provoking post. 

[Pook075]

I'm very sorry for your loss as well.

On a similar note, I realized over the course of my separation and divorce that I had stopped feeling emotion a very long time ago.  It's not that I was cold-hearted or anything, but as my BPD ex grew more and more distant and the emotional pain intensified, I basically stopped allowing emotions to come to the surface.  In essence, I became Mr. Spock.

Shortly after the breakup, an overflow of emotion hit me incredibly hard as I realized that I had never grieved the passing of my mom and dad, my best friend who died of COVID, etc.  It all hit me at once and I was devastated, possibly even suicidal.  Because in reality, what was actually happening was that I was allowing myself to feel once again.

Today, I openly tell people I love them, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable.  I also share when something bothers me in a healthy, positive way...not for sympathy, but for genuine resolution.  I've contacted everyone from my past as well and apologized for anything I did in the past that could have caused friction.  I've truly made amends and I don't have an enemy in the world, except maybe for my BPD ex wife when she's unstable.

As a man, it's not "cool" to cry or show emotion.  The heck with that though, I'm authentically me.  Grieving is a normal, important process that we all have to deal with eventually.  It's what has allowed me to heal and honestly, to become a better version of myself.  I have zero regrets from my past and I now feel comfortable facing them head-on.  It's because I cried though and dealt with the impossible stuff...that's where the healing comes from.

While it's sad that some relationships will never recover, all we can do is the best we can from our side of the fence.  We have no control over how that's perceived or anyone else's response to kindness.  That may have been my biggest obstacles in life; realizing that I couldn't save my BPD daughter or BPD ex wife.  I can only meet them halfway and I have to accept whatever comes of that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Zachira! 

I'm truly sorry for the loss of someone incredibly special to you.  One of my best friends (and my mentor) is 20+ years older than me, 83 now. I'm aware that she is getting older and starting to have some issues creeping up. The thought of losing her, well, let's just say it would leave such a big hole in my life. I can rejoice over the life she poured into me of love, kindness and support. I suspect you can do the same as you think of the gift of friendship and care that your friend gave you.

We grieve differently when the connection was one of love and care. I think for me the loss of my mom wasn't a typical grief, as you mentioned,  rather I was relieved, like you. Yet I did grieve somehow, perhaps for what I never had, more of a grief for finally being able to have some emotions, safely, for the first time in regards to my uBPD mom. This sounds similar to what Pook was saying, that the grief for him finally came.

Grief is an animal of it's own, reaching to the depths of us that we didn't know were there, washing the soul, bringing healing.

Hang in there.
 

Wools

[Notwendy]

Sorry for your loss, Zachira. It's hard to lose a good friend. I don't think there is one way to grieve a loss. I think it does vary according to the relationship.

I think the family dynamics around the time when my father passed away were part of the complicated grief. As Pook described, when there is a disordered family member we tend to be focused on them and not our own feelings, or we "go numb" as a way to cope.

I cried a lot over my father. Still do sometimes althought it's less frequent.  In an odd way, being more involved with my mother's situation at her age has shed some clarity on the circumstances around my father's passing. I didn't understand the dynamics as well then.

Sometimes a friendship can be more supportive than one with a family member. It's interesting that you had a close friend around your mother's age. Maybe she could provide some of that role for you. Close friends are special relationships.

[zachira]

Thank you Swimmy55.

[zachira]

Pook075,
I have also done a lot of crying and grieving, AND it has helped me heal. I have also apologized to people I treated badly because I was acting like my disordered family members. Being able to feel our emotions and not stuffing them is a big challenge and overwhelming at first, yet when we are able to feel our feelings in the moment and deal with them in healthy ways, then we are on the road to healing though there will always be sadness about having disordered family members. Your sharing and perspectives are very helpful.

[zachira]

Wools,
Always good to hear from you. I appreciate your support and kindness.

It seems that a big part of surviving having a mother who is incapable of loving her children in healthy ways is having older people in our lives that act like parent substitutes. I have so many memories of other parents who were not friends with my mother who got it that she was not a good mother and who treated me with kindness when they had contact with me. We never know what a difference we can make in others lives by small acts of kindness and being genuinely interested in other people, especially children.

[Notwendy]

I cried a lot when family connections were broken after my father died and I was alienated from her family. Cried because I didn't understand what happened- I had lost my father- I thought they were family too- where were they?

They have later reached out to me and reconnected but it was many years and I still would cry about it.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I also cried a lot when my father died even though he enabled my mother.
 
Sometimes our friends give us the love and kindness we can never get from our families. I still am shocked at how family loyalty and covering up heinous abuse is more important to most of my family members than common decency. These days I have more in common with my friends than with my large extended family.

Thank you for your thoughts and continuing to share your story.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I have no words to describe the pain of being ostracized from our family when we have done nothing wrong. I too have sat down and cried many times, and still grieve the losses. Many family members buy the parents' and other family members' narratives about another person until sometimes many years later a few people may finally get it that there are some other sides to the narratives. It truly is one of the most painful forms of complicated grief losing the love, respect, and kindness of many family members because we are disapproved of for being people in our own right. I am glad your mother's family finally gets it though I guess the relationships are not as close as they could have been because of so many years of being alienated from them.