Adult daughter of mother w/BPD saying Hi

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the board, and wanted to introduce myself. I'm 35, married with a 4 yr old, and my mother has been sick for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and growing up it was always just the two of us, moving around a lot, going on adventures, having a volatile relationship.
I think like many others in my situation, I grew up feeling like something is wrong, but I didn't understand she has a severe mental health issue until she had a nervous breakdown with paranoia when I was 18, and she had to be insitutionalized and started treatment with antipsychotics.
Our relationship started to vastly improve then, even through many ups and downs. Since then, she quit her meds once until she had a psychotic episode and I had to institutionalize her again. She was diagnosed then officially with paranoid schizophrenia, but this is certainly a misdiagnosis (she has very intense feelings and relationships, bouts of rage, idealization and devaluation, and had substance abuse problems, so I'm almost certain she has BPD).
Since then, she went on meds again and was actually doing great for about 3 years, even while bravely battling cancer. Unfortunately, she chose to quit meds again in February, and her mental health has gradually deteriorated since. Part of the problem is that she lacks insight. At first she says that she will know if she feels the symptoms recur and will go back on meds in that case, but as her symptoms worsen she stops believing she has a problem at all and believes she has been "cured." Part of it, of course, is all the shame and stigma wrapped around the notion of being sick.

At this point, it looks like she might be on her way to another psychotic break. I'm trying to educate myself about BPD and how to best help a relative who refuses to get help, but it's not always easy. I realize that I'm part of the problem - I enable her, because I'm also very deeply intertwined in this relationship. We're extremely close and I do love her so much. She's so loving, supportive, funny, and clever. We have long conversations every day. When she's doing well, I feel like I can live my life, but when she's doing badly, I start to feel depressed and dysfunctional. Every time she deteriorates, it's like I'm grieving her again. I go through the motions of life holding everything in, because it's so hard to talk about this with others who don't understand. I find myself downplaying how bad it really is, partly because I don't want people to judge her, but also because I don't want to be seen as that person. It's very hard to ask for help. Also because verbalizing the problem makes it feel more real. This post is actually the most I've said about the situation in a while.
It looks like I already wrote way too much for a simple introduction, so I'll stop here. Nice to meet you? 

[Carmilla]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the board, and wanted to introduce myself. I'm 35, married with a 4 yr old, and my mother has been sick for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and growing up it was always just the two of us, moving around a lot, going on adventures, having a volatile relationship.
I think like many others in my situation, I grew up feeling like something is wrong, but I didn't understand she has a severe mental health issue until she had a nervous breakdown with paranoia when I was 18, and she had to be insitutionalized and started treatment with antipsychotics.
Our relationship started to vastly improve then, even through many ups and downs. Since then, she quit her meds once until she had a psychotic episode and I had to institutionalize her again. She was diagnosed then officially with paranoid schizophrenia, but this is certainly a misdiagnosis (she has very intense feelings and relationships, bouts of rage, idealization and devaluation, and had substance abuse problems, so I'm almost certain she has BPD).
Since then, she went on meds again and was actually doing great for about 3 years, even while bravely battling cancer. Unfortunately, she chose to quit meds again in February, and her mental health has gradually deteriorated since. Part of the problem is that she lacks insight. At first she says that she will know if she feels the symptoms recur and will go back on meds in that case, but as her symptoms worsen she stops believing she has a problem at all and believes she has been "cured." Part of it, of course, is all the shame and stigma wrapped around the notion of being sick.

At this point, it looks like she might be on her way to another psychotic break. I'm trying to educate myself about BPD and how to best help a relative who refuses to get help, but it's not always easy. I realize that I'm part of the problem - I enable her, because I'm also very deeply intertwined in this relationship. We're extremely close and I do love her so much. She's so loving, supportive, funny, and clever. We have long conversations every day. When she's doing well, I feel like I can live my life, but when she's doing badly, I start to feel depressed and dysfunctional. Every time she deteriorates, it's like I'm grieving her again. I go through the motions of life holding everything in, because it's so hard to talk about this with others who don't understand. I find myself downplaying how bad it really is, partly because I don't want people to judge her, but also because I don't want to be seen as that person. It's very hard to ask for help. Also because verbalizing the problem makes it feel more real. This post is actually the most I've said about the situation in a while.
It looks like I already wrote way too much for a simple introduction, so I'll stop here. Nice to meet you? 

[GaGrl]

Welcome! We're glad you found your way to us, even though the reason behind it is difficult. There are a number of members who are in situations similar to yours who can offer help and support.

I am here because my husband's ex-wife is uBPD/BPD -- we deal with adult children and minor grandchildren who were and are affected by her behaviors. Also, my mother was feared by a stepmother who was uBPD/NPD, and she was an only child. I am very sensitive to the "only child" situation.

I'm sure some of our other members will chime in!

[IvyB]

Welcome to the family, Carmilla!
I can relate, I'm 35, and have always thought my mom is "difficult" or "sensitive", and was always by her side to help her. In the last year, through therapy I realize she is uBPD and I have put forth boundaries to protect myself. I can't save her and realize that I was suffering myself because of it. It's helped me through her difficult times. How often do you see her? Can you limit contact or put boundaries in place?

[Methuen]

Hi Carmilla

It sounds like you have your hands full.  My mom was a hair width away from a nervous breakdown this summer, when she took herself to the Dr and asked for an anti-depressant.  Someone else on this board earlier referred to it as the BPD's own need to self-preserve.  My uBPD tells me now she's feeling better "mentally", which means everyone else in her life has it better too.  I am an only child, and 57 years old, living in the same town as her.  I found this board two months ago before she got on her anti-depressants, and when she was turning my life and well-being inside out.  I was actually starting to talk with my husband, about selling our house and moving, just to get away from her.  It was so messed up.  In contrast to my mom, I could see the healthy relationships my friends had with their moms.  Over the summer I've finally just accepted her for who she is.  I no longer have a desire to rationalize or change or "fix" her.  It just is what it is, and I'm fine with that.  I think the fancy terminology for that is "radical acceptance".  I suspect no one in my town who knows her has a clue.  Or maybe they do, and are afraid to talk to me about it, but I kind of doubt that, since I was pretty clueless myself for 57 years.  BPD's are smart.  I have always felt pretty alone and frustrated and resentful about her, with a good dose of fear mixed into the brew (I do have a supportive husband though although his experience as SIL is nothing like mine).

I don't have any answers for you.  My experience over 57 years is that my mom has to suffer enough, before she can figure it out herself.   I can't fix her problems.  The more I try, the worse her behavior becomes, but everybody's situation here is different.  I can't even let myself think of what my life would be like right now if my mom (uBPD) hadn't gone on anti-depressants.  So I'm feeling for you.

Yesterday I googled "enmeshment".  One of the items that came up in the search, actually pointed me back to this site!  I thought of it when I was reading your intro to this post.  Here's the link if you are interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85049.0

Do you have a counsellor or therapist?  That is helping me.  So is yoga, learning about BPD and strategies and tools to use with BP's, and, for the first time in my life, finding a community that share's my experience.  And self-care!  Super important that last one!



I

[Avanzando]

Similar story here. I’m 39 and started therapy about 7 months ago for suicidal depression of 20 years. I thought it was my stent in the military that broke me but that turned out to be the straw that broke my emotional backbone.  Come to find out I am a codependent to an undiagnosed NBPD mother.  She masterfully, though I believe unintentionally, made me an extension of herself and I bear the consequences of all the negative feelings she has; guilt, shame, depression, even (in part) suicidal by proxy.  I have enough other traumatic events that leve me passively suicidal, but when I can’t take any more Mom pushes harder and makes plans for the both of us that I am instructed to carry out and I become actively suicidal (but do not include her). I’ve recognized for a long time things were not right but I am only beginning to realize how bad it is, and it’s getting worse with putting my foot down. Every time I try to stand up for myself Mom gets verbally and emotionally violent and even goes so far as to be physically abusive to force me to loose the battle... this has been as far back as I can remember.  The gaslighting is what has kept the severity hidden all these years.

Well, now that I’m putting my foot down and am triggering more rages by not taking responsibility for her rages anymore she is getting physical with me and the animals again and is even raging at strangers. Changing the dynamics in me is forcing her to make uncomfortable changes as well and she is so afraid of loosing her comfort zone, shield and scapegoat she’s lashing out at anyone she can just to feel in control of protecting herself. I’ve asked her for years to get help for anger management but she won’t admit she has a serious problem.  So, I’m getting help, I’m changing, I’m going to try to look forward to being alive and see what happens... and I am leaving Mom (plan is for 1st week of next month).  I will still help her by phone and internet, but if she rages at me all I have to do is hang up the phone.  No more dodging flying objects or interceding when one of the animals looks to me for help (they’re coming with me).  I gave her a choice last January to get help and I stay or don’t get help and I leave.  She made her choice and now it’s time for me to make mine.  I can help her be comfortable, but happiness is something she has to choose for herself; I haven’t been able to provide that in 37 years and i won’t spend another 30 some trying... it’s not my responsibility anymore than being the guilt and shame absorber or peace maker is.  I love her dearly in spite of the damage done, but I am trying to love her to life, not love her to death.  And I am just beginning to learn how to take care of myself and that it’s ok to do so- if we don’t take care of ourselves then what will be left to take care of those we love.  A Facebook quote says: “Insanity is helping someone destroy you in an effort to save them.”  It’s a harsh reality, but that WAS me.  I am seeing things more clearly and am making adjustments; it’s a hard road but so far I’ve noticed a few positive changes and want to see where this new road leads.

Please keep us posted on your journey.