Why Borderlines are worth it [video link]

[SaltyDawg]

I found a link to very interesting video on a different BPD-support site (I am trying to understand my uBPDw and gain insight as to what makes her behave the way that she behaves) with regards to improving a relationship.

It is titled Why Borderlines are worth it

The video link can be found here:  https://youtu.be/ZmbzKJ4jrG0

A lot of the stuff he says resonates with me in that video - while he doesn't come out and say it, he is describing the positive sides of me wanting to stay in a Borderline relationship even though it has a very high price.

What do you guys think?

P.S.  He has many videos [that I have not seen, but might be worth a watch] at https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsh_y_ett4o064nEQL4gRqxg4MHqfMfdq

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arjay]

.." he is describing the positive sides of me wanting to stay in a Borderline relationship even though it has a very high price..."

Absolutely there were amazing moments in my marriage to my DBPDxw.  When it was good it was amazing.  Overall however, there was a lot of emotional upheaval and darkness.  As was mentioned in the video, "walking on eggshells" is a daily occurence for the partner of a BPD.  

For me, it was like oscillating between the "thrill of skydiving" (I've done it) and a day later, trying to prevent a disaster at home; fearing the Police because of her threats over seemingly trivial things.  The up and down takes a toll, and for those with BPD that do not see the need for help, it is a continuing roller-coaster life for the "non"; something most people simply cannot cope with in the long run.  Planning a life with a BPD sufferer that includes children, means it is no longer just you coping as well.  It was tough for me and my daughter; my daughter "was deeply affected" as well.  Kids are emotionally fragile.

There are those here that have made it work and I suspect it included not only concepts such as "radical acceptance" (for the "non") but having the BPD partner getting long-term help. In the end, the decision is a personal one, and includes how much time and emotional-effort one is willing to commit, to a relationship with a partner suffering from a serious emotional disorder.  It takes a "non" with a strong sense of "self" and "self-respect", together with strong boundaries, to not be emotionally impacted by the unpredictability of these types of relationships.  I had "holes in my emotional armor" that were inevitably exploited and manipulated.

Though results may vary (as they say in the commercials), in the end I found myself always hoping for a return to the "idealization-phase" (though I didn't actually know this was a phase); it was devastating when it was replaced with "splitting and hating".  Extreme caring to extreme hating - it really messes with one's mind and well-being.

All the Best

[Notwendy]

People are different and I think what bothers me about this video is that he speaks of his partners as "borderlines" as if they are one homogenous group- then describes their characteristics as beautiful and loves you like no other woman can as if well if you want the best amazing hot babe who adores you like nobody else can,  you need to  be willing to pay the cost. If it's not your cup of tea, go find you an ordinary one.

Some people are drawn to the intensity and the drama and other people might seem boring by comparison. But it doesn't mean that other women ( and he's talking about women ) aren't also attractive and caring. I think it comes down to personal choice.

I felt the video to be a bit demeaning. He is complimentary of borderlines but as a group, not individual people. I wouldn't want a partner who spoke about me like he does but again, it's about choice and we do match our partners in some ways and attraction is individual.

[SaltyDawg]

NotWendy,

   I agree that the plural form he referred to borderlines did not sit right with me as well.

   However, I do agree, when my uBPDw is splitting in a good way [all good, on a pedestal], and they are passionate about the good things they do, it is a wonder to behold, especially if you are on the receiving end of this behavior.  I am definitely drawn to the intensity of the positive. 

   However, I am like a moth that is drawn to the light of a flame, if I get close enough in the flame to see the darkness on the other side, I get burned.

   That is my conundrum. :/

[Notwendy]

I think attraction to someone is complicated and mostly not conscious. Our families of origin have an influence on this as well.

Looking at the comments on this video, some women with BPD are posting complimentary posts- as he comes across as a rescuer- "yes, you may have troubles but you are worth it to me, I know how to love you and other men don't". Seems like he can provide what someone with BPD might want, and they provide the intensity he wants and he is willing to take the issues with that.

This has less to do with appearance than "attraction".  There are plenty of attractive people who don't have BPD or aren't caretaker types, and they find each other. Likewise, not everyone has to be attractive to find each other.

It is said that if one leaves a dysfunctional relationship and doesn't work on their part in it, they are at risk for recreating similar dysfunction with someone else because this is a part of who they are attracted to and who is attracted to them.  I think to change this requires some self work, and also self examination of one's own attraction to others and decide to change or to continue to choose a partner with BPD.  Seems this man in the video chose that.