Recycling for the purpose of triangulation

[Rayban]

Hi all. I just want to share what happened to me today.  I work with my Bpdexgf and we've been broken up for a little over a month, after another of many recycles.  I initiated the breakup with some harsh words that I was not proud about,  but the constant push/pull was just too much for me to handle.

Since then I went no contact with her except for a few work related issues. It's extremely difficult,  but my head was finally gaining on my heart and I was and still am slowly  detaching. 

Fast forward to this week where I see she is spending more time with a new guy at work.  Her work space is 10 feet away from mine, and I couldn't help but notice the glances and small talk between the both of them.  Mind you, I've seen this before, but this really seemed as if she was working him hard.

I don't know for a fact that they are seeing each other outside of work, but I noticed this morning that they both had coffee cups from the same chain, and we would do this occasionally where we would pick up coffee for each other especially if we spent the night together.

Could be a coincedence of course, except for the fact that she asked to speak to me this morning.  She basically asked for an apology for the way I ended things.  I told her I was sorry if I hurt her feelings, but it was the right thing to do.

She began talking about the past and the good moments we shared.  I told her and am proud of myself that we are poison for each other.  I just want to be cordial with each other seeing that we work with each other. She agreed, but said  we have to speak some more keeping in mind that we were at work.

Then I got to thinking as I've seen many examples before on these forums, that she wants to hurt me more by;

1. Officially letting me know that she's with him. I could live with this. I Just wish her new suitor good luck.

Or

2. She needs me as a triangulation prop to up her value in the eyes of the replacement.

The replacement seems like a confident guy with lots going for him, including looking like he could have any woman he wants.  I think she realizes that, and needs triangulation to up her value,  and have a plan B in place in case he has his wits about him, and promptly dumps her when he realizes what he's dealing with.


I felt like asking her if she was seeing this guy, but then thought it's none of my business.  I'm glad the attention is on him. I just don't know how to handle this.

In the what I want is just to be cordial to her,  as that two people who don't speak to each other at work is not well accepted and sometimes leads to work place mobbing.

What do I do? A relationship with her is out of the question . I'm leaning towards just being cordial and stepping away from the drama.

[Splitblack4good]

Your better off staying out of it in my experience the more you get or stay involved with it all just leads to more hurt . Of course there is the possibility that like you said she's talking to this guy in front of you because she wants a reaction from you good or bad . With my ex I share a 6 months old son and today was a classic she dropped him off and my replacement in the car I just acted polite to her and indifferent I even said hello to my replacement. I wished her a good weekend and she walked away without saying anything. If you truly want this disordered female out of your life then that's the way to do it .

[Mutt]

Hi Rayban,

She agreed, but said  we have to speak some more keeping in mind that we were at work.

I don't think that it's triangulation. I think she's frustrated that you're not talking to her. She probably thinks that she looks bad around work if her ex is not talking to her.

[bunny4523]

Hi Rayban,

Now my first thought is she is approaching now because she doesn't really need your affection since she does have a new attachment.  Maybe get you to want her again so she can tell you she isn't available.  Either that or she is trying to use you to get the new guy to step up.  But that is what I have seen in routine relatoinships, not necessarily BPD ones.

I guess it's good your thinking about it so you are prepared to respond since your goal is to stay out of it.  Whatever she is up to, I feel like you have the right focus.  Limit your contact and avoid drama.

I work with my exBPD too and although I "hear" things, I never know what is true or what he wants people to believe.  And I sure as heck have no idea what is going on in his head.  But I have the same agenda you do... .keep him away from me and stay out of the drama.  But some days he is extra friendly to me, I'm not sure if that is when things are going well in his new relationship or when things are bad... .or maybe there is no correlation.  I'm just trying to focus on me and what I am feeling.  If his conversation feels uncomfortable to me, I cut it short.  If it's business, I have no issues but sometimes he stops out side my door with this big creepy smile and just stares at me.  I have no idea why he does that.   And my goal is just to get him to keep walking as soon as possible.  Sometimes I act like I'm concentrating or I even have my work desk phone set on speedial on my cell phone... .whoops, excuse me, I need to take this call!

Strive to be cordial and just be as cordial as you can without making yourself uncomfortable... .if it gets uncomfortable... .find strategies to interrupt the moment... .It's worked for me and I hope it works for you.

Take care,
Bunny 

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi Rayban,

I don't think this is triangulation. Triangulation is typically used by the pwBPD to stabilize a rocky r/s. If she's forming a new idealization phase with the new guy, she may be talking to you to simply see how much in her orbit you are. What I mean is she's forging a new r/s with new guy while seeing if you're still on her hook. That way, she has you as a safety net (fallback) if the new guy doesn't pan out for whatever reason.

I'm in the same boat as you. I work with my ex and with my replacement.  It isn't very much fun, especially when they're walking near you and openly talking about how tired they are from staying up to late the night before from having sex. Trust me.

The best thing for yourself you can do is stay as clear out of her way as you can. My ex has tried to "have something" with me several times in the year we've been split up.  For your own health, just stay away from the drama. I know it's hard. Trust me, I do.

Keep posting.  We're here to listen and help. You aren't alone

[Skip]

Triangulation is an often misunderstood term on this site.  Triangulation as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing tension will naturally involve a third party to reduce tension” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

Simply put, when a two-person relationship becomes unstable the individuals will tolerate only a small amount of tension before they involve a third person. The resulting triangle can hold much more tension because the tension can shift around the three relationships... .read more

Not sure I see this as recycling (it's not triangulation by any means)... .

Forget BPD. Let's say you date a women at work (not a great idea for reasons we are seeing here) and you dump her. She then connects with another person at work. You all hang at the same water cooler. She contacts you to make peace.

Why do that?

One reason is probably so that you don't sully the new relationship.
Another is vindication (she is asking for an apology) - you dumped her (that hurts) and now she can show you (and more importantly, herself) that she is not "garbage". An apology would seal the deal for her ego.

Going back to "BPD". There are lots of hurtful things she could be doing right now - especially if this was only about vindication or revenge or hurting you.

If you pursue this further, you are probably going to be pushed harder to say that "she is not bad" and that you were "hard on her".

Does this seem right? Or do you see something else?