BPD ex gf Advice.

[bpd3103]

Hello Everyone.

bpdfamily has been one of the best resources I have used in my research, very sensible and professional. I'll try to keep it brief for you all as you are all very experienced on the subject and can read between the lines. Here is my situation.

   I’ve only a few days ago through independent research found out that my ex gf has BPD (high functioning). She is textbook. She doesn’t know she has it though.

 

I'm 23 she's 18, we lasted 7 months, I’m her first relationship. The Beginning was nothing short of perfect, very intense, but we took it slow and built upon our relationship she even denied my first attempt at a kiss. Our motto was “We don’t say it, we show it,” but both have said that we love each other. All of the red flags were there but they got overlooked, as they usually do in these cases, (Serious mom issues, lack of father, lack of self worth, difficulty making friends as a child, ect) I just chalked it up to her being young, and I always reassured her and kept her self esteem up. She was often so confident and mature around me though, but now I see that was just a mask she put on for me. Before I met her I was planning to move to Cali from our current location, she molded her life around me, even chose her university based on the city I would be in. We had it all planned, she would get there and I would be a few months behind her. The first few days upon her arrival, same brilliant gf as ever. I could feel her starting to pull away as school began though, I just chalked it up to her being busy. The second week of Uni, Bam, the switch gets flipped, like she fell off the earth. 2 weeks later (Nov 1st) I get a text "I really think we should talk, and I am so very sorry" We Skype, she wont turn her video on, I have to make her, then she wont look at me, I have to make her. “What’s been going on?" Needless to say, she wants to break up, she made out with a girl and has fooled around with a guy multiple times, no intercourse though. I got upset, naturally. When I asked why, she cries, and says, she doesn’t know, and how stupid she is and that she is the worst most terrible person, that she doesn’t deserve me and I deserve someone more perfect than her, how all the girls there want a guy like me, that I’m the perfect BF, that she would marry me, but how she hates relationships, but that we were the best most beautiful thing ect. You can see how this doesn’t make sense to someone who is ignorant of her illness so I persisted. She also tried to blame me a few times and distort the truth but I wasn’t having it and even when she did it she was hesitant as if she knew that wouldn’t work. She’s always complimented me on my independence and confidence, it was one of her favorite things about me, I understand why now after my research on BPD's; she knew she needed someone like that. Anyways, I'm a very rational, logical person and after I calmed down, I wrongfully tried to mend the relationship. I broke down the root causes of her behavior, (Mom issues, dad issues ect) She cried from start to finish, and when I would bring up things we had planned and times we had shared the tears seems to almost shoot out of her eyes, its as if she had totally forgotten everything. But, when I was done she was up to work it out, I was stern with her and I told her I wont babysit you through this, you need to pull your weight and I will pull mine. We stated what we wanted from each other. She said she wanted to Skype more, I said, anytime. I said I wanted to feel more like apart of your life there. She added me on Snapchat that night and texted me what she was doing with friends, it was as if I had her back. The next day, we had plans to Skype, (Her request not mine) when I was ready, she cancelled and said how she was studying with some friends and essentially, don’t wait up. I took that hint that she didn’t want our relationship and ignored her. Communication ceases. A week a half later she texts me,  “Can I call you” I say, “Sure.” 4 days later (Sat) I get a random phone call at 5 PM most likely as she is putting her bag on her shoulder to go out.  I should point out, I never was a controlling BF, I understood college is new and fun and told her to have fun just do it within reason and respect our relationship and yourself (obvs she didn’t) Anyways, needless to say I didn’t answer the Phone call. This coming Sat will be a 2 weeks since that call. and NC since. I did make the mistake of getting on Snapchat the other night (Something I never use) because I missed her and took a screen shot of a pic she had posted of herself (funny enough, it contained an inside joke I used to make about her). Anyways, I know she will have seen that I did this. Ultimately what I’m asking is, have I handled this properly? With all of your understandings on this topic what do you think is going through her head, concerning me? She knows I will be there in a couple months, and she may even come back for Christmas. Since our breakup I have gone through the healing process with help from fam and friends, focusing on me, and feel as if I’m 90% the way there. My main concern is less about getting back together and more about telling her what’s wrong with her, but I don’t want to do it through tech I want to do it in person. Either when she potentially visits or when I get to her. Do you think she will be receptive to talking to me? I know its not my responsibility, but although the trust is gone the love/care remains, and if I don't tell her no one will.

I should point out that I know more about this girl than anyone in this world, even her own mother. And everything pertaining to their relationship. Her deepest and her darkest. She has no one else outside of me that is this connected to her, her friends don't know enough about her, and her new "situations" are just sex toys. I feel like she is out there on her own, fending for herself in the hell that is her own mind (Why didn't I see the signs). I know she can take care of herself, but it is hard not to just call her sometimes.

Thanks,

[bpd3103]

Update:

Hey everyone, haven't gotten any responses on my main post yet, but just wanted to update you all.

Okay, so I caved after thanksgiving when i saw she was here in town (as I predicted she might be) I text her basically saying how I think we owe it to ourselves to hang out to just chill and talk about everything in person, just on a friend level, (wrongfully, seeking closure), and that I had something in particular that was "very important" for her to hear (That she has BPD). She texted back saying she "would if she could" with a barrage of excuses and explanations, some contradictory (got sick, already have plans, lots of issues to fix ect) and asked if maybe we could do it, "some other time." (which I assume means, "when you get to Cali," I responded simply with, "Alright, maybe some other time." The day she got back to Uni (Sun) her new "interest" (a female) posted pics of them together on Facebook. (Guess I know who the girl is now) Anyways, going back NC now. I have to admit it was nice to contact her, didn't feel regret like I thought I would, I actually gained some insight into how she feels about me (was worried I was viewed badly or painted black after not answering her call a few weeks prior). I know I shouldn't give a crap about how she feels after what she did, but its a weird thing with these BPD's. I'll be moving there in about 6 weeks, trying to keep expectations low though.

Please help you guys, I've never been through any of this before.

[Jmanster]

Hey man. I am in somewhat of a similar situation. I'm 22, she is 24. I can certainly tell you, that you have handled it so much better than me. You are extremely mature about the situation. I haven't been able to go NC for more than a week and now she is toying with my emotions while she is away in Spain. I broke up with her in July and I have been in limbo since. She says she wants to give the relationship another shot and all my friends, family, and people on this forum tell me to stay away from her. But a little voice tells me to try it out once more. So I think I will. I know for a fact that deleting her from Facebook has really helped the recovery process, but now I added her back and I am backtracking in my progress unfortunately. All I can tell you is to follow what YOUR heart wants. But this time, you must very strict with yourself and herself. Make boundaries, and make it clear that if she crosses them ONE MORE TIME, you are out for good... .FOR GOOD. This is what I will do. There is no point in being in a relationship with someone that doesn't respect you. Like you, I have lost trust in my BPDex, and trust is the hardest thing to recover, I don't even know if that will be possible, but I am willing to give it another shot. My mom is a therapist, and even she is telling me to run away, but I still have a little voice in my head that says, try it once more, just tread very cautiously. And this is what I will do. But just be prepared for the worst my friend. That is what I have learned in my experience. Prepare for a storm, and if it will be just a drizzle, you will be glad you prepared yourself. Good luck my friend and keep us updated

[Waddams]

My main concern is less about getting back together and more about telling her what’s wrong with her, but I don’t want to do it through tech I want to do it in person. Either when she potentially visits or when I get to her. Do you think she will be receptive to talking to me? I know its not my responsibility, but although the trust is gone the love/care remains, and if I don't tell her no one will.

If you really must you can do it via email.  However, I don't see enough in your OP to see BPD out of it either.  She's 18.  That doesn't qualify as fully adult with most kids these days.  I know today's older teen's I'm exposed to all generally seem to be way behind in maturity as opposed to what I experienced with my peers growing up.  What you are describing is pretty typical of just about every insecure young girl that goes to college and leaves home for the first time.

My sense is you are likely on a higher maturity plane than she is.  Much higher.  You're trying to deal with her like she's a grown up, but she isn't.  Honestly, if I was you, I'd be thinking about how I move on and find someone who is my match/equal in a maturity sense and in a similar place in life, and I'd not be thinking about her at this point. 

As for if you don't tell her, no one will, that's not your problem.  Her health is her problem.  I wouldn't go out of my way to try to save her from herself.  It will only piss her off and frustrate you more when she pushes herself farther over the edge in response.

[bpd3103]

Jmanster. Hey man, thanks.

I've gotten all the same from friends and especially family (run and never look back) . I am quite over it now, I would say 95%, but I know exactly what you're going through, the need the talk to them and try to make it work is immense because of the way these kinds of relationships end. I agree that you should try, no one else will understand, but at-least you get to say you tried if it fails. If you don't try then you will always think about trying. Get it out of your system. I knew I had to text her while she was here and I did, I didn't get to see her like I wanted but like i said in my post, I felt good about it and didn't regret it. Really helped with my recovery process. If I never would have tried I would have constantly thought about "what if." Your girl is a bit older then mine so that is a plus for you in the mature department, but remember they are emotionally children and never really gain the skills required to handle emotional issues. You seem like you have a great plan in place, follow through and keep us posted on how it goes when she gets back from Spain. I will keep you all posted as well.  

Waddams. Thanks, I agree that it is her responsibility and not mine to help her. Before it was so hard to let go though, you care and it hurts. I have to say, a week ago i would have typed something totally different in response to you guys, but I have recovered so much in this last week, it is great, as if I am back to who I was almost. I know her traits are similar to that of many young insecure girls, but I kept my OP brief for you guys. I could have gone into much greater detail of her symptoms,(contemplation of suicide, but wont for fear of hurting her mother, sexual encounters at a really young age, "black and white" thinking, unbelievable clinginess "affection" when together, doing things to extremes (no grey area), ect). She would "zone out" in periods of stress with her mother and even during sexual encounters with me sometimes, the numbest coldest looks in face, I knew something was "off" but didn't quite know exactly. When I say she is "textbook" thats exactly what I mean, its as if her pic could be next to the definition in the dictionary. Anyways, I don't plan on telling her anything unless it is in person. I will not initiate contact at this point, if she chooses to then I will engage. I am not even moving to the same city as we had initially planned too anymore, but she doesn't know that, when she finds out she will be curious and confused as she knows it was my dream to go to where she currently is, even before we met. We will see from there.

Again, I will keep you posted, and even though i am almost fully over it I still appreciate responses to my OP.