CPTSD Breakthrough: I am the one who needs to change.

[hellosun]

Hello brave ones,

For it is brave to be here, facing what you really feel, and I thank you for setting an positive example for those of us still holding back due to fear.

I haven’t posted here for a while, though I sometimes lurk.

Last time I posted, I was suffering from mild psychosis brought on by a violent experience. My husband got drunk and attacked me.

That was three years ago. Just last month, he threatened me in a less serious, but nevertheless violent, manner. It brought back memories of my delusion and how it felt to be attacked. And I realized I had stuffed those emotions away. I hadn’t wanted to face how much that experience frightened and hurt me.

Furthermore, I realized I had been too scared to tell anyone. Not that I have any close friends I could tell, anyway...Due to chronic illness and autism, I am financially dependent upon my husband and quite isolated.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling burnt out with my husband’s emotional instability, and was going to post here to ask for advice regarding how to approach him to suggest therapy.

I am already in therapy, myself. I am endlessly kind and patient and forgiving to my husband. I use the communication skills I learned here. I deescalate. I let go.

But CPTSD has been affecting me a lot.

This recent violent situation brought up memories of how humiliated and worthless and ashamed I felt as a child when my parents would hurt me. When I went to the store afterwards, I didn’t want anyone to see my face.

And as I have been practicing accepting these difficult emotions, I realized something concerning...

Even after a decade of therapy, practicing self-compassion, breath work, mindfulness, and all the tools we use to heal...Deep down, where my inner child is curled up in a ball of shame, I believe I deserve to be punished by God.

It’s dark, and sad, and...I’m not sure how to replace that belief with something better.

So far, I have used EFT to process it. Do any of you use EFT? I like it for helping me to move through stuck emotions. Tomorrow in therapy, I will ask for advice about how to change core beliefs.

If anyone has anything to share about this, I am all ears.

Will update later.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hellosun]

Hello again,

I will share my notes from therapy, for anyone interested:

THERAPY NOTES

Ask your inner child, “What are you afraid of happening if you __________________?”

Fill in the blank with your own words:

- let go of this limiting belief
- change how you see yourself
- act differently because you realize it isn’t true

You can also ask:

“Where is this belief held in the body?”

When processing this belief, approach your inner child with curiosity and caring. The inner child isn’t looking for someone to “fix the problem” or “make it go away,” but rather to be heard and to be treated with kindness and gentleness.

Sometimes something small might be important, so don’t discount what feelings or memories or observations may arise during this process.

What is EFT?

Since I didn’t explain that at all in my first post (sorry  ), EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. There are lots of videos about how to use it on YouTube, but basically it’s an exercise where you tap into difficult emotions while tapping acupressure points on your physical body.

After I identified the limiting belief, I used EFT to help me express some of the feelings I had around it, and though I haven’t yet followed the suggestions my therapist gave me, I have already noticed a shift in my behavior and mindset just from doing the one EFT session.

I became aware of just how much the CPTSD had lowered my interest and motivation in self-care, fun, and pursuit of my hobbies...and I realized I needed to make space for myself to experience some balance of those things every day...because it was almost as though I had been continuing the “punishing” of myself by subconsciously believing I was unworthy of these things...

...since part of my limiting belief seems to be that anything short of perfection—or even just having any needs at all—means I am deserving of punishment (yes, a message I internalized in childhood, without meaning to do so), I find a weight has lifted to think “how would I treat myself if that weren’t true?”

I don’t know how this is going to play out in my relationship yet, but I know it is already affecting my relationship with myself for the better.

If anyone can relate, or has experience processing limiting beliefs, I would love to hear from you.

I am a bit scared to ask my inner child those bigger questions directly, but I am trying to observe when that limiting belief is triggered, and where it seems to be held in the body. When I find the courage to spend more time listening to my inner child, I will post about it here if I am comfortable doing so.

All the best to those of you struggling with CPTSD due to difficult interactions with those whom you have formed primary attachment relationships, in childhood or otherwise. It’s not fast or easy or simple to unravel that type of pain...  Sending love your way!

[Pook075]

Even after a decade of therapy, practicing self-compassion, breath work, mindfulness, and all the tools we use to heal...Deep down, where my inner child is curled up in a ball of shame, I believe I deserve to be punished by God.

God loves you and if you ask for forgiveness with repentance in your heart, he forgives you as you should forgive others.  That's 'technically' the easy part.

The hard part is forgiving yourself and letting go of the shame, guilt, pain, and suffering you've carried.  Jesus died on a cross so you wouldn't have to carry those burdens; you can give them to Him and He will bear them.

Solving this on your own is extremely hard.  Solving it with God is very easy.  It's not your burden to carry, so release it to Him once and for all.

[hellosun]

Solving it with God is very easy.

That hasn’t been my experience. If healing childhood trauma were as easy as saying the sinner’s prayer, I wouldn’t have developed CPTSD in the first place, as I used to say it every night before bed as a child... I was an extremely devout child and teenager!

And I used to preach exactly what you just wrote when I was a Christian evangelical—even “won other souls into the kingdom” as we thought of it—even though it felt hollow and false in my spirit. I don’t wish to project my experience of evangelicalism onto you, though, of course! And this forum isn’t for debate or for arguing (especially on a topic as fraught as religion). I just feel like, for context, it’s important for me to express that as a child I experienced abuse that was justified by religion, so for me religion isn’t a “safe place” if that makes sense.

But I do appreciate your kindness and goodwill in responding to me. It sounds like the person of Jesus Christ is a “safe space” for you, and I am glad you have that source of strength and comfort in your life.

[thankful person]

Hellosun welcome (back),

I dont share your experiences of religion or cptsd, though bpd spouse yes absolutely. Also, I have worked with many people who have autism and it has been extremely easier and more fulfilling than trying to understand and communicate with dbpdw. In fact I relate to autism more than neurotypical behaviour.

I just wanted to reach out and say I can literally feel what a loving person you are from your posts, and I for one appreciate being called brave today. You probably can't do much to get your h into therapy. I have given up on this (w has been through dbt and considers herself cured from bpd, despite huge evidence to the contrary). I'm not in therapy myself though I know I should be so appreciate your sharing.

I'm not big on religion, though inclined to believe. I don't know why life is so unfair and complicated and painful, but I think God is watching and can see we're doing our best.

Good luck with everything.

[hellosun]

Hellosun welcome (back),

I dont share your experiences of religion or cptsd, though bpd spouse yes absolutely. Also, I have worked with many people who have autism and it has been extremely easier and more fulfilling than trying to understand and communicate with dbpdw. In fact I relate to autism more than neurotypical behaviour.

Hey thankful person!

Thank you for the warm welcome.

[hellosun]

Sorry thankful person, my reply to you got cut off somehow.

I also get along well with other “neurodivergent” individuals, whether on the autism spectrum or ADD/ADHD or both. Have you ever been tested for neurodivergent traits yourself?

I am sorry to hear it has been so difficult to connect with your wife, due to the communication challenges her diagnosis presents. One of the most bewildering aspects of the disorder is how a pwBPD can twist a fairly innocuous remark, not intended to offend, and shift in emotional intensity from 0 (pleasant conversational mode) to 100 (angry verbal abuse mode) before we even have the time to blink!

It’s a lot to take in, especially when it seems to arise without warning...

When I first met my uBPDh, I thought he was so emotionally intelligent, because he could express his emotions in ways that weren’t natural to me. However, I now understand that being aware of how one feels is just the first step of emotional intelligence. Being able to self-regulate in such a way as to create an environment of inner peace and emotional safety for others is the ultimate goal!

I just wanted to reach out and say I can literally feel what a loving person you are from your posts, and I for one appreciate being called brave today.

Aw, thank you for taking the time to encourage me, thankful person. You are courageously honest and have a genuinely heartfelt way of expressing yourself. You are brave, especially on those days when fear seems particularly powerful.

My uBPDh has tremendous anxiety, and it helps him a lot to be told that the bravest people aren’t those without fear, but those who must face it every day.

You probably can't do much to get your h into therapy. I have given up on this (w has been through dbt and considers herself cured from bpd, despite huge evidence to the contrary). I'm not in therapy myself though I know I should be so appreciate your sharing.

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that your dBPDw is in denial about her disorder...Ugg, radical acceptance is so hard! (For all of us, really...)

But I have to laugh a little, too (what else can we do?), as the last time I talked to my uBPDh about therapy, he said I should totally find a therapist. Since clearly I was the one who had the problems. 

And to be fair, he’s half right. 

I am fortunate to have found a therapist I trust and can afford. It was a struggle for me to find the right person to work with for a long time.

Have you ever been in therapy before?

I'm not big on religion, though inclined to believe. I don't know why life is so unfair and complicated and painful, but I think God is watching and can see we're doing our best.

Good luck with everything.

That’s such a beautifully honest and hopeful way to look at it.

Thank you for taking the time to write me, and wish me well. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to reach out. I know how hard it is without a strong in-person support network. All the best to you and your family!

[Outdorenthusiast]

Welcome back!

...Deep down, where my inner child is curled up in a ball of shame, I believe I deserve to be punished by God.
…
If anyone has anything to share about this, I am all ears.

At one point, three years ago - yes I believed that.  However it was absolutely garbage brought on by living in a toxic environment for 24 years with a BPD spouse.  

Many here have fallen down the slippery slope of “trying to keep the peace” with a BPD, and then listening to the “all your fault” explanation, with enough half truths over time it begins to feel like you “deserve” it through gaslighting.  Then you feel guilty for feeling terrible and hating how you are being treated.  However they are your spouse and you are obligated to love them right? Sickness and health.. ? Yada yada…. Yep that was me.

Truth - God loves you, with all your imperfections, and doesn’t punish you - that is not his style.  He forgives.  We are the ones who punish ourselves thinking we deserve it because we have been fed these lies by our BPD partner.   God accepts the sinners and the saints.  “Come as you are”.

Reality - feeling this way is a clear sign of depression, and it can be managed, and can be recovered.  I no longer feel that way about God’s thoughts.  I recognized within about 3 months of weekly CBT therapy that I was just ground down by the toxic environment I was not trained to manage.  It was like having a veil lifted off of my eyes.  

Don’t get me wrong - God and I have our disagreements, but I know now it is not a punishment, it is my choice - and he gave me free will.

Hope this helps for context of what could be in store for your future….

[hellosun]

That’s beautiful, Outdorenthusiast! Thank you for sharing your truth and experience. It does inspire hope! Your profile painting, “Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog,” is an accurate representation of what you have achieved, eh?

I’m sorry you experienced such a severe degree of gaslighting and toxicity in your relationship for so long, however. That can’t have been easy... It’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? How someone with such deep faith in the power of forgiveness (whom, I must assume, forgave much often) could reach a point where he, himself, didn’t feel worthy of the same grace he showed to others? I am glad you are above that fog, now.

The other day in the morning, my husband said: “thank you for showing me grace, again and again, that I did not deserve.”

And then in the afternoon, he essentially told me I didn’t deserve any myself, before storming off...

Talk about whiplash! (I understand the first statement made came from an emotionally regulated place, and the second was filtered through toddlerland emotion glasses.) But what a good example of the imbalanced dynamic that can exist in these BPD relationships.

Wishing you comfort and support as you grapple with the grieving process of what might have been...

[hellosun]

A YouTube video I watched recently, “C-PTSD Survivors: 10 Important Lessons You May Have Missed In Childhood” by Heidi Priebe, made me realize that the greater awareness I have of my own childhood trauma the better I can relate to pwBPD (even though, of course, they express their trauma quite differently):

https://youtu.be/HJumPPoau7k

It seems, for me, the limiting core belief I shared above comes from my childhood need to be loved by parents who could be both punitive and emotionally neglectful, a pattern I thought I was breaking by choosing a life partner who was emotionally attentive...but turned out to also have anger problems...and so fear and love wound together in my psyche...