I met my wife in 2009 and was instantly blown away by the intensity of it. This woman blew me off my feet. The sex and her infatuation with me was intoxicating. Our relationship start is perfectly described in this YouTube Video
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=diEhdbGC-mg from Ross Rosenberg.
My codependency and her borderline personality were a "perfect" fit. Terribly perfect.
We ended up pregnant and from there I considered my self "full in" on the relationship because I could not fathom not being married to the mother of my future child. I always knew she had some anger issues and in hindsight there were other "red flags" that I experienced but did not have much relationship experience to compare to. I continued in the relationship blind to what I was getting myself into.
There have been several years of confusion and unhappiness in our relationship and I never understood quite why until I discovered her diagnosis of BPD. My research and reading on BPD perfectly describes her. Our counselor after a few years of treatment finally broke the news to her about what she suffers with by handing her a book (the angry heart) and sending it home with her to digest. Of course, there was plenty of denial and shame on her part that went along with the diagnosis.
After several years of counseling I have become a much more mindful, less anxious, and more confident person. I now see her in a completely different light. She is so ridden with self hatred and has such a skewed vision of the world. I feel sorry for her, but I find that I can’t stand the thought of living with her the rest of my life. She came in to this BPD condition by no fault of her own. She lived the first 40 years of her life without the diagnosis and tried to cope with the condition in a lot of unhealthy ways. I still have love for her, but it is buried under a thick layer of contempt and resentment. I don’t want to be cruel to her though. I have sort of disconnected from her in the attempt to protect myself from the negativity that is her world. My children can’t disconnect though, and I worry very much for them.
These are few of the highlights from just the past week……….
• She was yelling the F-Word at our 8 yr. old in the bath so loud that I could hear it in the basement. She was physically trying to force him to wash. (he’s a very stubborn and strong willed child) When I came in to the bathroom to relieve the situation, he was crying VERY hard and was physically shaken and scared. She left the house after that. I told her that kind of thing can’t happen.
• Our got in to a shouting match with my Mother (his Grandmother) and even got physical with her. All because she wanted him to turn the music down. He threw his shoe at her and was quite irate. (copying his mother’s behavior?)
• She got so mad at me she was screaming the F-Word and other foul language at me while going through house slamming doors over and over. This was all because I supposedly “snapped” at her. She started off with a “Jesus Christ” statement and I simply asked her not to say that. She then let loose with every expletive in the book while her children watched and listened. I told her that I would take our youngest boy to daycare because I know she drives a bit erratic when she gets like that. She pulled him out of my arms and took him anyway.
• She got very perturbed at the grocery store on Sunday while we were all there together. When we got home I could tell that she was still “hot”. I told her very matter-of-factly that if the environment in the house was going to be unhealthy that day that I was going to take the children elsewhere for the day to relieve them of the stress and exposure. This made her very upset and she sat in the chair and watched Football and Hallmark TV the rest of the day. We barely talked. She told her how “bad I make her feel” and that I make her want to do one of two things……... Hit me, or put a bullet in her head.
Anyway, I want off the roller coaster. I give her a lot of credit for continuing counseling but to be honest I don’t see it doing a lot of good.
I’m at a crossroads in my life and I need to figure out which way to turn!
