Final battle?

[Larmoyant]

This is the closest I have got to leaving. I've just experienced another round of push/pull and rage and I am emotionally distraught andd exhausted. A few weeks ago he asked me to marry him. If I'm honest the first thing that came to my mind was 'can I trust this'; promptly overrided by my love for this man as I sank happily into denial pushing away all my fears (that this would probably end with him dropping me on my head again). Sure enough nothing came of it, no discussion about our future, save to say that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. He then, without any discussion with me, moved his 23 year old daughter into his home. In almost two years I have met her only 3 or 4 times as according to him she doesn't like me and doesn't want him to have a girlfriend. The same with his other 2 daughters and because of this I am not allowed around his house for four days in the week. I have made efforts to overcome their concerns, but it hasn't worked and as he likes to remind me time and time again they just don't want me around. He says maybe in a year or two it will change and they will come around.

I was upset about all this and tried to discuss my concerns, but he kept pushing them away saying we would talk about it all in the new year. I almost ended it, but once again, pushing away my feelings, I let him charm me back in. In an effort to placate me he arranged a day out to my favourite town an hour or so drive away. Five minutes to our destination he turned on me. I can't even remember what it was about, something or other I failed to do triggering insults and horrible accusations such as I'd been responsible for the death of a beloved pet due to neglect and that no one could ever love a person like me and that I have no one in the world who cares for me.

Reeling and feeling that old familiar anxiety I asked him to please take me back home. He refused, we got out of the car and he told me to get a train home, but refused to give me my bag which was locked in the car. I then had to follow him like a little puppy as he went into a market place (it was either that or stay out in 38 degree heat and wait by his locked car). By this stage I was silently crying and my anxiety was terrible. He then went into a wine bar, ordered a beer and I had to wait nursing a glass of water until he decided we could leave. He then drove me to his place where I gathered my things to leave. I was full of anxiety and terribly upset, but he didn't seem to understand telling me that I was overreacting and he behaved that way because I was a liar etc, etc. He then said that if I went he would never see me again. I asked him to apologise for abusing me, but he refused so I went home.

It felt like the last straw for me. This relationship has been a disaster and as a result of it I have lost myself. I have lost a lot, job, money, etc and haven't as yet been able to get myself back up on my feet. Instead, I have been seeing a therapist to try to rebuild my crushed self-esteem and confidence.

Its been over a week since I last saw him, however, we have spoken on the phone, email and text. We appear to be caught in a horrible battle with him intent on blaming me for everything that happened and me refusing, point blank to accept the blame (not this time). I am not perfect and I have made many, many mistakes, however,I am determined to hold him accountable and responsible for his horrible treatment of me. I can't back down this time, agree with him that I am a horrible person who deserves to be pushed/pulled and raged at. Not this time.

If I'm ever going to get back up I have to stick up for myself and I have to stay away, but I can feel myself weakening again, and I am scared. Scared because I might give in again and go back to more of the same. He might not be able to help what he does (and this is my downfall because I feel so sorry for him at times), but this is destroying my life. How can it ever change if he doesn't have any insight into how his behaviour hurts me?

Thank you so much for listening.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this. I would be worried about getting married if I was going to get dropped on my head again.I bet it feels scary right now with not knowing how things are going to work out in your personal life after losing your job, money, and you haven't seen him in over a week. How are the calls and texts?

Have you done counseling together? Has he gone to counseling or you separately on your own?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Mutt, I feel as if I’m desperately trying to keep my head above water and he’s stepping on my head pushing me under. I’ve been with him on and off for almost two years now and because I keep going back I can’t seem to get my life back on track.

I’m in deep depression and have been seeing a therapist who says this is abuse and she is trying to help me. Sometimes I just can’t see any way out because of all the chaos. He keeps me constantly on shaky ground, rages, rants, insults, interrogates, accuses, push/pulls, and yet I haven’t left. Sometimes he’s lovely, kind and makes wonderful promises of a future together and I’m hooked. I’m working on why.

I’ve actually called it off now as this time strong feelings of anger and resentment have surfaced and this time I refuse to back down and accept all the blame. I've tried to be reasonable, fair, keep to the topic, but it hasn't worked. He’s sent me the usual texts and emails blaming me for everything, accusing me of having someone else, rewriting history, and tried to guilt me which is the worst for me as I have a tendency to feel sorry for him. It’s my downfall. My therapist says it’s time to refocus that compassion on myself.

The anger has died down today, but I’m hurting badly. I wish I could stay angry. I’ve been here so many times before and it has to stop. I know that I'm not equipped to help him. I’ve read everything I can get my hands on. I’ve tried to understand, tried to learn tools to deal with it, but I can’t cope.

I feel truly shattered, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and give up, but there is some hope in there. Some small hope that if I really try I can have some of my old life back. I want to be like I was, a bubbly, confident woman not this shell of a person. I sound like I’m feeling so sorry for myself and I am. I can’t help it. I’ve lost so much. It's like a whirlwind entered my life and wiped me out. I can't see how I'm going to get my life back if I keep going back, but I wish it didn't hurt so much.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

I would feel lost and hurt too. I think that you described it very well with feeling like it's a whirlwind. Its frustrating and hurtful when we're not heard and things keep getting worst. It sounds like there's a serious communication breakdown. A good place to start would be to stop the bleeding.

You've read everything that you can get your hands on. A pwBPD need a lot of validation because they have a critical inner voice, self loath, feel evil and feel like nobody understands them. Feelings = facts not facts followed by feelings. Have you read our communication tools?

You have a T and is he willing to get help in therapy?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Mutt, I've moved over to the leaving board. I just can't take the chaos anymore. I'm hurting and in a lot of emotional pain, but I experience this when I'm in the relationship anyway. I'm going to give myself a chance. It sounds dramatic because I'm hurting so much right now, but I need to get out of hell. Thank you for responding. I'm so glad there is a site like this. Thank you.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I think you have made a decision you feel good about, and it will feel better in the future.  The front end of relationships are full of the "feeling" of love, while enduring (good) relationships are full of love as the verb.  Given enough time, you would find yourself unloved by this man, even if you still tried to love him.  Move on. 

See you on the leaving boards

[Larmoyant]

Hi Sam, your post made me smile. In the midst of all this pain and chaos I actually smiled! I love what you wrote it summed it up perfectly. It’s 5am where I am and I’ve been up reading here for hours. I’m heading back over to the leaving board now and determined to stay there. This time.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Well, smiles can be good medicine!

I think I am setting my own stage for a "final battle" - something that will make it drop dead obvious that I have to leave. 

All I have at this exact moment is mixed feelings.  In hell, you get used to the heat.

See you on the other side