Concern for wBPD young daughter’s and what they are being exposed to

[damenlost]

Hello all, I’m curious as to how common with people suffering from BPD to exhibit the following traits/pattern. My concern is specifically relating to children in a BPD household where the BPD is the maternal parent. A bit of background, in early June my wBPD came apart on me accusing me of every indiscretion under the sun, called the police on me and effectively threw me out of our family home that we shared over the last seven years. The split and being turned black are all to common a scenario being reported by NON’s as well as the BPD meat grinder that we’re all too familiar with. My own personal recovery, and mourning the loss of my relationship no matter how awful it was has been very painful but I feel that I’m making good progress with the help of family and friends that include those that are so supportive on this forum.

I guess the part that truly hurt the most was her betrayal, it was obvious that my replacement had been lined up for quite a period of time and that she had obviously been bonding with the new guy while they plotted together to orchestrate the scenario used as rationale for her throwing me out. This included co-conspiring to break into my computer to dig up dirt on me to match her narrative. Guess what the new boy does for a living? computer security which explains how they broke into my fastidiously secure computer. My wBPD is low functioning and does not possess the skills to break into my computer but I digress as this question/concern is specific to her two daughters of 9 and 11 years of age.

So here it is and its really bothering me- in early June I was tossed out. It was obvious that my replacement was spending no lack of time in my old home with the wBPD but without the children being present in the home, typically over the summer school holiday the girls were with their Dad. I can’t even begin to think what the wBPD fed to her daughters in terms of aligning her turning me black with rationale with her daughters as to why the man that has lived in a family unit is now suddenly out of the picture? It is now early September and I have now discovered that the wBPD has obviously introduced my replacement into their lives! I haven’t been able to confirm if he’s actually living with them full time but clearly the girls are aware of his presence.

Is it me or is this abusive to the children? What kind of mother would do such a thing on the short timeline that I just described? I care deeply for both of the girls and being turned black literally cut me out of their lives heartlessly! I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to either of them. Is it unreasonable to expect some level of decorum from my wBPD? I know one thing for sure, she would give her life for those kids but in the same breath exposing them to the roller coaster and now the next guy!

I’m tempted to reach out to their father as I’m sure he’s totally unaware of the situation. It wouldn’t surprise me at all that the wBPD had instructed the girls to not say anything to their dad in regards to the new guy? Would you intervene in any way? Am I overreacting to the situation? I know I’m jaded and hurt personally but should I not be even more concerned for the girls well being? What are they learning from their mother’s behaviour? The irony is that the wBPD use to accuse me of being the worst possible father figure and influence on her daughters. Additionally, during the wBPD divorce with her first husband he called child services on her questioning her ability to raise the girls given her personality disorder. Child services interviews me as the other adult in the household and I vouched for the wBPD and specifically as the NON in the house would be the one monitoring the girls health and well being. I’m tempted to contact child services or have their father do so? Is that crossing the line? Should I just walk away from the disaster that was our relationship and the inevitable demise of her current one with the replacement. Am I being vindictive?

Simply put, I didn’t think this situation could possible be any worse than it already is.

I’m appalled

Damenlost

[Mutt]

Hi damenlost,

I can’t even begin to think what the wBPD fed to her daughters in terms of aligning her turning me black with rationale with her daughters as to why the man that has lived in a family unit is now suddenly out of the picture?

You make perfect sense and I can understand how confusing the behaviours are from a pwBPD, it's not personal to us, it's something that a pwBPD are going through, you can be split black from saying something to a pwBPD, if you said you thought that she was overweight for example. A pwBPD have dichotomous thinking and can't see a person as an integrated whole with both good and bad qualities, so if you do something that they think is bad, a pwBPD doesn't see the good redeeming qualities that you have.

I understand your logic but in that context of black /white thinking, it's destructive because it fails to see all sides of a situation, it's solely focused on one thing.

You can think of it in a different way, a pwBPD only split the people that they care about most.

I had a step daughter, she's my exes first daughter, her father moved away to another Province when she was really young two, so she didn't have a stable parental figure in her life until I came a long but there were issues with her mom, she'd get jealous of our r/s so it caused a lot of discord around the house. I care for her just like my own child and when I was split black, I could only go to court for custody / access for the kids I had with her, not the child that she had in another r/s. It was heartbreaking at the time because I have a strong protective nature, most people do with their own kids but I couldn't extend that to my step daughter. When the r/s was over I didn't have further obligations but I can see in different, more amicable or mainstream circumstances that you could retain a r/s with an ex step child.

I chose to let her go as hard as it was at the time and thought that a r/s with her could be reestablished with her further down the road when she became of of age if she chose too, she had a lot of problems after I left and I'm not a doctor, I can't diagnose but I see BPD traits similar to her mom, but it's in the family too with the women, her mom, grandmother and my ex all have BPD traits so I can see how it was passed down either genetically or environmentally for her. I have shared custody and I try to be a stable role model to counter balance the dramatic and chaotic nature of my exuBPDw's, so far so good they're all happy and seem well adjusted.

What makes you think that the father doesn't know about the other side of his exe's personality? Getting  actively inviolées in a triangle has a good chance of back firing. Do you know the father? What is he like?

[damenlost]

Hello Mutt

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate your advice and perspective. I cross posted my concern across a few BPD sites/groups and feedback from NON's and even women with BPD almost universally chided me as being petty and vindictive. That I was weaponizing CS just to cause grief in my exBPD partner. I know its human nature to jump to the negative but I must say I was surprised by the feedback overall? I suppose as many suggested I should mind my own #*#!*# business and leave things alone but your thoughtful reply was the only one that recognized that its my relationship with the girls that's the focus, not revenge.

To be fair, what I did glean from the other replies was a sense that such actions could produce unintended results that can do more harm than good. The question remains whether or not my contacting their Dad to inform is still something to be considered? You asked if I knew him and what he is like? I do know him well and he is really a decent guy and a fabulous Dad. Make no mistake he is all to familiar with the BPD ride and her proclivity to seek the comfort of men on the sly. Happened to him a few times when they were together. I suppose he really wouldn't be shocked by the news. They aren't my daughters- that I get, but the emotional attachment is there and I will always care for them in any way that I can.

You mention that a pwBPD only split the people that they care about most. I find this notion intriguing and baffling at the same time? I'm not even sure I completely understand the concept.

Am I to take solace in that it was her love of me and getting to close (after 7 years) that caused the split and turned me black? If my replacement is tossed out after a few months does that mean she deeply loved him? Is this all the BPD in the moment and what "I" need thing in play? In the waning months of our time together she would often say to me "I'm not happy". Of course I took that as happy with our relationship but I can't help but feel that her lack of happiness (constant) stemmed that she lost faith in me? I was burned out mentally and physically- I had given my all and then some. Perhaps it was her seeing me whither away and being of less value to her needs that was the true trigger? Who knows, I know this about 12-14 weeks out I can feel my vibrancy returning and a positive outlook to life that I had always had.

I miss them all terribly and it bites that my replacement is now the focus of all of their attention including the girls.

Thank you again Mutt.

Damenlost

[icesoul]

tell the father, its his children so he would know how to handle it best and let him decide for himself how he wants to proceed.  this is no legal advice, but maybe the father  should file for temporary order against her for change of circumstances to try to gain sole custody. its wrong for her to expose children to new man so  fast, i been  through that myself... my advice would be to DONOT involve social services, not overreact. that can put the children life in danger by being snatched by the state, they have their own agendas and its very difficult to get them out their lives. let the father deal with the best situation for the. best route i would say would be the court system.

[Mutt]

Hi damenlost,

Does the father have custody / access? Is he involved in their lives?

It sounds like they were quick to judge and you were triangulated and cast as persecutor and they were rescuing your ex. I'm talking from my own personal experience, i don't if you felt the same way but it felt like I was grieving both the loss of a r/s and the loss of a child, they may not have personal experience and I agree that people can be quick to tear someone down.

That's not how  bpdfamily works, this is just my opinion but I had enough people judging and invalidating me in my personal life, there's enough of that in the real world, we're here to build each other up with constructive feedback not tear each other down.

Lastly, BPD is triggered by intimacy, the closer that you are to a pwBPD the more that the person acts out. If you weren't close to her, she wouldn't have split you black.