Triggers

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does anyone know any away to get rid of triggers with there pwBPD? My situation was a little different then everyone else's here I believe, because I was her roommate, and we had some ___ed up codependent relationship.things would get really hard when she would start dating(since that's when most her triggers would come out, and I'd get the short end of the stick) but I ended up getting some of my own triggers towards her because of this... . long story short we're like phone call friends now and I'm good with that, nothing sets me off there... . but when/if I go visit her it can be a simple tone in voice change that puts me on edge... I ended up feeling like hit last time I went down because she has started dating again and little things she starts to do put me on edge... I ended up getting triggered and left without saying anything that night... now I feel like a failure as a friend and in my own life because I was never the kind of person I am today. I can't seem to get my triggers in check with her... I just seem to take a step in the right direction and then 3 steps back... the problem I'm having is that I want to still stay friends, but my triggers because of her exhaust me and it shows in my daily life... . I don't want to have to end this relationship with her, and I have gotten rid of a lot of the triggers I once had... . like this is on me and I should be able to change my thinking/emotions, right? Do I just throw this down as another week wasted... and keep moving. Or do I really need to sit down and think about other options. I just can't believe I let everything get so far gone... because at one point I was able to deal with her triggers without setting me off and I handles her really well... . so why can't I get back to that?

I swear I made one stupid mistake that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life, I expect to much of myself... . I'm actually ashamed of myself because I can't be around her without getting triggered... and that sucks because I do care about her, and she is a friend... But the reality of my situation is she might always now be a friend that I can't actually hangout with... .

[qwaszx]

Does anyone know any away to get rid of triggers with there pwBPD? My situation was a little different then everyone else's here I believe, because I was her roommate, and we had some ___ed up codependent relationship.things would get really hard when she would start dating(since that's when most her triggers would come out, and I'd get the short end of the stick) but I ended up getting some of my own triggers towards her because of this... . long story short we're like phone call friends now and I'm good with that, nothing sets me off there... . but when/if I go visit her it can be a simple tone in voice change that puts me on edge... I ended up feeling like hit last time I went down because she has started dating again and little things she starts to do put me on edge... I ended up getting triggered and left without saying anything that night... now I feel like a failure as a friend and in my own life because I was never the kind of person I am today. I can't seem to get my triggers in check with her... I just seem to take a step in the right direction and then 3 steps back... the problem I'm having is that I want to still stay friends, but my triggers because of her exhaust me and it shows in my daily life... . I don't want to have to end this relationship with her, and I have gotten rid of a lot of the triggers I once had... . like this is on me and I should be able to change my thinking/emotions, right? Do I just throw this down as another week wasted... and keep moving. Or do I really need to sit down and think about other options. I just can't believe I let everything get so far gone... because at one point I was able to deal with her triggers without setting me off and I handles her really well... . so why can't I get back to that?

I swear I made one stupid mistake that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life, I expect to much of myself... . I'm actually ashamed of myself because I can't be around her without getting triggered... and that sucks because I do care about her, and she is a friend... But the reality of my situation is she might always now be a friend that I can't actually hangout with... .

[LoveNotWar]

I have been out of my r/s w/BPDh for 18 months and had no contact except for getting the divorce completed. I have been seeing a nice guy for a few months now and let me tell you... . I no longer EVER worry about my triggers! I guess disrespectful, profane screaming and physical abuse were my triggers and now that I no longer live like that I am not "triggered" to behave in an unhealthy way.

What I'm trying to say is maybe it's not you! Maybe you were just in a no-win situation!

[Grey Kitty]

I think it is back on working on yourself--they are, afterall, your triggers, not hers.

I've found that my mindfullness practice helps, and I've also found that what I tend to get is an earlier and earlier awareness that I'm being triggered.

First, I realize that I am triggered and need to get out before I make a mess of things.

With practice, I was realizing I needed to get out of the triggering situation before I lost it.

Eventually I was (in some cases) able to convince myself that I didn't need to take the (formerly triggering action) personally as I experience it.

Often I found that if I responded skillfully I was able to prevent the sort of messed up fight that used to happen--If I didn't react badly, we could roll on past the triggering situation.

[qwaszx]

loveNotWar I agree 110% on what your saying, for me right now I want to back to the drawing board, I know it's stuff I was never reactive on before and I want to work hard on me to keep my end in check. I don't want my crap coming up in future relationships.

Like right now I'm having some sorta "inner child" melt down. I want her attention, and if that means i get in a tone of crap by her I've always takin that risk, which clearly needs to stop. I feel awful after, she feels like crap, and that's a lose lose situation, I don't have energy for that, and I don't want that in my life. Her new boyfriend is her world at the moment which means she's forgotten about me(or so my inner child feels forgotten, abandon, etc). And I'm really only talked to when she needs something from me. (Or at least that's my feeling), and at the moment she's super boarderlining. If she's not with someone she's actually pretty on the wall, and a really good friend. So boardland stinks. I'm also a ADHA, so not helpful at the moment. Anyone know any good distraction tricks? Quitting smoking stinks, if u catch my drift? if I thought sharing my feelings with her at the moment would be helpful I would, but right now it could go so many ways, only one of them being good, granted her head space isn't clouded, is that worth the risk? It might be, I don't want to hold resentment.

Grey Kitty I agree with u also, this is about me, my flaws*, all and all normally when I don't feel like I'm the reason she gets set off I'm good, and not effected my much of what she does.  I ended up leaving when I went to her place that time, because my trigger was way to strong, and nothing good ever come from that big of a trigger, I text her later, after I got home, when I was calmer. So all and all that went pretty well. It's only when I don't catch them that things go south.